If there’s a void in your gaming life right now, fill it with bullets – thousands and thousands of them. Old school fans should look no further than Heavy Weapon, a recent release on the 360 live arcade. It’s a colorful, side-scrolling tank game with tons of enemies and tons of powerups. And did I mention you can play with friends?
4-player online survival mode is pretty much the most fun you could possibly have in one lifetime. With each passing minute, the screen gets even more insane. Make it past 14 minutes and you’re pretty much living off of borrowed luck for as long as it will take you. PopCap Games has outdone themselves again, showing that a clean hi-res 2D presentation and simple gameplay can be as addictive as full-blown $60 releases. I remarked to a friend last night (while trying to make sure those huge bombers didn’t get a nuke through), that I haven’t had this much fun with a console since I was a kid.

That is, getting “banned” from a video game message board I frequent. By my count, I’ve spent a collective two months of the past six banned for making derogatory comments about the PlayStation 3, its lineup, and the douchebags who think it’s the best thing since sliced bread. It seems like the mods on the board have absolutely no sense of humor, just plain don’t like me, or perhaps a bit of both. What was my latest offense? Saying I hope Namco officially announces an Xbox 360 version of the upcoming Tekken 6. The reality is my hopes aren’t all that out of line, as Soul Calibur’s finest entry was a multiplatform release, and the most recent Ridge Racer was on the Xbox 360 first; the PS3 only got a director’s cut of the exact same game. The fact is, PS3 exclusive games have diminishing returns written all over them, because the PS3 is on its way to becoming an overpriced flop like the Panasonic 3DO; only difference is the 3DO didn’t have as much hype or a successful predecessor.

Virtua Fighter 5 was PS3 exclusive until a 360 version was announced. Even though Konami won’t admit it, I smell a 360 release on the horizon for Metal Gear Solid 4. Oh, and remember the PS3’s crown jewel of its hype crown, Assassin’s Creed? Yeah, on it’s way to 360 as well, in much better form I hear. Mark my words, whichever mod brought down the hammer will be eating crow when Tekken 6 on the 360 gets announced. Until that time, I fold four of my fingers and raise the one in the middle, widely grinning, knowing in about two weeks, I’ll be back in the saddle.

When I wasn’t taking time out of my busy day to piss off fanboys, I’ve been spending quality time with Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin on the Nintendo DS. After logging an obscene amount of time and spewing forth a grab-bag of curse words, I wrapped up the regular story mode of the game. Though it seems that a lot of the reviewers have been a little harsh on the game — Jeremy Parish, I see you — I have to say I enjoyed the game as much as Dawn of Sorrow. Though its charms are different, they’re equally as plentiful; especially some of the unlockable bonuses completing the game brings to the table.

I’ve also been continuing my quest in Twilight Princess on the Wii, which I’m roughly at 23 hours of play, and on a pretty tricky dungeon. While the game did get off to a slow — dare I say snail pace of a — start, business has picked up, and the game is quickly clawing its way to the top of my favorite Zelda games. It’s got a tall order to topple A Link to the Past, but sometimes there are games that are just too classic and transcend so many barriers that it’s not possible for their status to ever be tarnished. That won’t stop me from enjoying Twilight though, not by a long shot.

Sometime I plan to spend quality time with Gears of War, but it seems like I almost have to ask permission to use the television to play my games. The reason? My fiance is obsessed with The Sims 2, which she snagged for the PlayStation 2. I’ve watched her play a few hours of the game, and I’m not seeing the charm of what’s basically a virtual Barbie Dreamhouse.

Then again, if I understood the charm of Barbie, I’d have bigger problems… But that’s neither here nor there. Nintendogs did a good job of pushing my luck as an upstanding member of the straight male population. Of course let’s face it, everyone loves puppies.

… I may just have to start kicking puppies and kittens if I don’t find a Wii soon. The shortage in my area is ridiculous, and every other man, woman and child that seeks one of Nintendo’s hard-to-find consoles around here must be twice as tenacious as I am.

In an extremely rare fit of calling Wal-Mart, I called Wal-Mart the other day and rejoiced (on the inside) to the fact that they indeed had (10) Wiis. No joke, they pretty much sold those in the time it took me to get my keys and run out the door.

I am now accepting donations (in the form of a Wii) to the Get Joseph a Damn Wii Foundation.

There’s usually at least one BIG game coming out any given month (except summertime).

Now that we’ve got six – count ‘em – new or fully functioning systems up and running (all together now – PS2, PS3, PSP, Xbox 360, Wii, DS), you’d think that there would be a steady stream of quality releases in January and February.

Instead?

*cough*

Nothing of interest.

What the heck?

The very best January release I could come up with is Lost Planet for the 360, with Battlestations: Midway a distant second. Frankly, I am not exactly *amped* for either of ‘em.

Maybe the new Phoenix Wright for the DS? Perhaps.

But jeez, January’s got titles like the long-overdue-and-no-longer-relevant The Shield for PS2, the surely unnecessary Rocky Balboa for PSP, NOTHING for PS3 (blessing in disguise?), and Wario Ware for Wii (OK, that could be decent…maybe).

At least a sports gamer like me could potentially get into March Madness for PS2 and 360, but it’d better be a hell of a lot better than EA’s abysmal NBA Live 07, and closer to the sublime College Hoops NCAA 2K7.

For sure, it will give me time to wrap up my reviews. On the other hand, we’ve got all these systems and nothing new in the near term. That’s just wrong.