Inner monologue written live at Nintendo’s press conference.

Through a plastic smile the likes of which could only be hiding deep inner torment, Nintendo’s new Reggie, Cammie Dunaway. kicked off the show by introducing Shaun White Snowboarding. Though neither Mr. White nor Nintendo’s new VP of marketing were able to cope with the visibly uncomfortable control scheme and fell no less than six times in the short run, we were told we should be very impressed at how easy and accessible it apparently is compared to those crazy analog sticks that only nerds can comprehend.

Iwata then let us know that Nintendo was “changing the paradigm” and that “common sense didn’t make sense anymore” with an impressive lack of irony or embarrassment for someone who just vomited clichés into the laps of hundreds of people. But apparently Guitar Hero III’s Wii port is outselling other platforms, so clearly this is a brave new world.

After stepping through that looking glass, we struggled to re-acclimate ourselves as we were introduced to a new Animal Crossing that was almost discernible from the last one (not really). It apparently combines Miis with the classic Animal Crossing Lego-scarecrows to create something slightly more artistically reprehensible. The future certainly looks bright.

During this distraction, the real Reggie was deployed to the stage by a giant plastic tube. After throwing two terrorists through a window and jotting their names down in his “book of pain,” Reggie tore it up with all kinds of crazy bar graphs. Then he totally flipped the script and *BAM* hit us with a pie chart from nowhere.

The trailer trifecta of Star Wars: Force Unleashed, Rayman Raving Rabbids 2, and Call of Duty: World at War let us know of the many diverse ways in which the Wii is reaching new audiences with both sequels and movie licensed games. As Cammie what’s-her-name told us in a bubbly, this is precisely how Nintendo products are reaching new audiences.

The good news is that the Nintendo DS is the only “gaming dedicated” platform that will have Spore this fall. Obviously the fact that the DS can’t use MS Office makes their game much better than the PC version, despite apparently only encompassing about one-fifth of the actual game. And the blonde lady talking said “posse” and she was serious.

But the paradigm gets shiftier! New Pokemon and Grand Theft Auto! We are told the latter will use a “custom” engine, which clears up all that speculation that it will be using Unreal Engine 3. And a cookbook. Be excited for the cookbook.

Thank the heavens, Reggie returned to get us back on track with a Wii controller expansion pack! Now it does all the stuff I thought the Wii Remote was supposed to do to begin with. Or maybe it just makes the controls usable. Watching Cammie and Reggie fail miserably at some new mini games drove home just why the Wii is so accessible. Reggie called himself “the Regginator” and high-fived Cammie and all the women in the crowd threw their panties at him.

When Shigeru Miyamoto stepped off the teleporter, we knew the party was ready to begin. WiiMusic has the ability to create seemingly unlistenable kazoo noises to annoy your parents. Miyamoto proudly boasted about how their title wouldn’t alienate players the way other music games do by having “gameplay.” Instead you just push the buttons and it plays a canned melody from F-Zero. That’s right now anyone can play the saxophone, as long as they want to play some song from F-Zero!

Reggie closed the conference by letting us know that people have been yelling “Fad!” at him, though we think he may have been mishearing slightly. And that thought put a smile on my face that Cammie could be jealous of.

This blog article should be recognized as the sole opinion of the editor and does not necessarily reflect TNL’s official position on the subject.