Al " Retirement is when Woman marries, and Man dies"
Quote:
Al "Kelly turn the car on."
Bud "Maybe you should tell her to use the key before she starts rubbing the car"
Al "Bud, you sister isn't that dumb. Pumpkin use the key."
Quote:
Hooters, hooters
yum yum yum
Hooters, hooters
on a girl that's dumb.
Quote:
Marcy: But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
Al: All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell beer, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer, and ugly women make us *drink beer*.
Quote:
A skinny woman "olive oil"'s her way into the shoe store and asks me to find something to make her look sexy. I tell her it's gonna be a long time before someone that ugly comes and sits next to her.
Quote:
Al: So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing another round of "Can you top this?" One started off, "We'll make him a shoe salesman." Then another said, "We'll give him a red-head." Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, "But let's have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater."
Kelly: But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.
Al: Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?
Quote:
“So you think I’m a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn’t respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean ‘loser’ to you, but let me tell you something: Every morning when I wake up, I know it’s not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I’ll never play football like I thought I would, I’ll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I’ll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I’m not a loser. ‘Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who’ll never be what he wanted to be are still out there, being what we don’t wanna be, forty hours a week—for life. And the fact that I haven’t put a gun to my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!”
__________________ "The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, what am I doing?!"
FX plays the show during the day and I've started to catch a few episodes. Was a little over my head when the show was still putting out new episodes (too young) but it's pretty funny now.
Married With Children is the funniest sitcom, period.
Quote:
Peggy: HI HONEY!! How was your day?
Al: Well I came home, how good could it have been?
Quote:
[Fat woman enters shoe store]
Woman: I need shoes!
Al: The blacksmith's around the corner.
Quote:
Peg: Al, don't you remember anything?
Al:Not since I said "I do."
Quote:
Kelly: He's [rock star] got a house in Jamaica. Do you know
what I'd do for a house in Jamaica?
Bud: The same thing you do for a dinner and a movie?
Quote:
Bud: So may women, so little time.
Al: Only one woman, too much time.
Quote:
[During bowling tournament]
Puggy: Still a long way to 256, Bundy.
Al: Not for your wife, Puggy.
Quote:
Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did some girl do something to you so bad that it ruined your life?
Al: Yes, and you call that girl 'mom' now.
Quote:
Al: I want you to fan out and if you find mommy...give the Bundy yell.
Bud: " I wanna die?"
Al: That's the one.
Quote:
[Al works at Burger Trek]
Boss: You're a disgrace, Bundy. Clean your station!
Al [talking under his breath]: Marry a redhead!
Not an Al quote, but anyway..
Quote:
[Marcy and Peg looking for a new job for Al]
Marcy: My friend owns a pit bull training school...He [Al] could work his way up to the man with the tranquilizer gun. How's his aim?
Peg: Not very good. You've seen our bathroom.
Marcy: And your children..
"The only powers I sense around you are the mighty forces unleashed by beans!"
"Your mind, Peg, much like the lost city of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map."
"Let's rock."
"I'm your worst nightmare...a shoe-man with a badge!"
__________________
Dolemite, the Bad-Ass King of all Pimps and Hustlers Gymkata: I mean look at da lil playah woblin his way into our hearts in the sig awwwwwww
VOTE FOR MY T-SHIRT DESIGN: http://6dollarshirts.com/submit_a_de...&id=1256701907
All his "fat women in the shoe store" stories are priceless. "A fat woman godzilla'd into the shoe store today..." or "she was so fat, she had smaller fat women orbiting her."
God, I love and miss that show.
__________________
HA! HA! I AM USING THE INTERNET!!1
Al: "Now, I don't know WHEN they started letting women carry nunchakus..."
(or any of his "I don't know when they started letting women" statements)
Kelly: "Daddy...one thing..."
Al: "Yes, pumpkin?"
Kelly: "When you go to shoot the gopher, don't stick your gun down in the hole, or he will bend the gun back at you."
Al: "......"
Al: "You're a CHICKEN!"
Marcy: "I am NOT!" *starts fussing at Steve with her head moving back and forth like a chicken*
Al: "You're in No Ma'am's-land NOW, baby!" (that whole No Ma'aM ep ruled)
All his "fat women in the shoe store" stories are priceless. "A fat woman godzilla'd into the shoe store today..." or "she was so fat, she had smaller fat women orbiting her."
Quote:
Santa: There he is kids, the man who hit santa!
*kids beat up Al.
Santa: Haha, I know where you work pal!
Al: ...and I know when you had beans!
Quote:
Al: HOOTERS! HOOTERS! HOOTERS!
*flush*
__________________ "The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, what am I doing?!"
I always loved the episode where Sam Kinneson was Al's guardian angel sent down to make Al's life look good like "A wonderful life" I think it was called "a bundyful life"
You mean the stripper at The Jiggley Room with the giant rack?
__________________
Dolemite, the Bad-Ass King of all Pimps and Hustlers Gymkata: I mean look at da lil playah woblin his way into our hearts in the sig awwwwwww
VOTE FOR MY T-SHIRT DESIGN: http://6dollarshirts.com/submit_a_de...&id=1256701907
Golden.
