How Not to Piss Off Your Wife (and other Xbox 360 Launch Advice) Feature - The Next Level

How Not to Piss Off Your Wife (and other Xbox 360 Launch Advice)

Jeremiah offers some solid tips to help the male gaming audience survive this holiday season.

Article by Jeremiah Conlon (Email)
November 23rd 2005, 09:45PM
 

First of all, I want to apologize for not sending this public service announcement earlier. Much like an athlete loads up on a diet of Spaghettio's leading up to their big event, this document holds the keys to maximizing what may the biggest week in gaming of 2005. So in that regard, I've failed you. But stop crying, because it's not too late to become enlightened. So go ahead and make this Xbox 360 launch a healthy, happy, and safe one for both yourself and your loved ones.

Drink Plenty of Fluids

I suggest plain black coffee. All you kids out there, listen to me and listen to me good - don't drink any wussy mochas or lattes. And for goodness sakes, don't overpower your brew with sugar and milk. Going into a full week of around the clock game playing, you need the strong shit, the straight shit; without the heavy fillers.

Mountain Dew will work too, but your girlfriend (or future wife), may not appreciate the potential nut shrinkage ramifications of this beverage. Consequently, I had a permanent I.V. of Mt. Dew all through my formative gaming years. Consequently, I now have nuts the size of quail eggs. If you don't like coffee and you don't want to devalue the family jewels, then it's hard to go wrong with Red Bull. Just pace yourself son.

Now lets compare the ingredients of all gaming beverages:

Mountain Dew ingredients:
1. sugar
2. fructose sucrose
3. mucous
4. yellow #5
5. glycerin xsorbal nitrate
6. xa5609-T44 (aka: testicle shrinker)

Red Bull:
1. sugar
2. fructose sucrose
3. glucuronolactone
4. tuarine
5. bull piss
6. ginseng

Coffee ingredients:
1. water
2. coffee

Unless you are playing a party game with friends or you have strippers over, I do not suggest drinking alcohol during launch week. It will only make you sluggish and slow. Not to mention, booze will make you sleepy earlier. This is the time for gaming, not partying (unless the strippers are over, in which case the Xbox 360 can wait).


Bad for hardcore gaming and/or any juvenile under the age of 21.

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