I arrive at 5:00 PM at Scruemall Hall, an upper class dormitory on Walnut Log Community College’s main campus. The floors are littered with random debris: empty beer cans, half-eaten sandwiches and used prophylactics. A young gentleman, perhaps under the influence of alcohol, charges past me, spilling fruit punch upon my lace cravat. Rest assured loyal audience, after much blotting and a soak in bleach-free detergent the cravat is now mercifully stain-free.
I knock on Luba’s room to no avail, but finding the door unlocked I cautiously enter. I find Ms. Licious sound asleep, quite nude but for the exception of a pair of ill-fitting men briefs. I gently tap her on the shoulder. She turns and murmurs. I begin to shake her violently. Suddenly she shoots awake. Flinging me aside, she hurries to the other side of the room and promptly vomits in the closet.
Special note from the editor: During the course of the interview, Ms. Licious peppered her responses with various “colorful” words and phrases which some of our readers may find objectionable. I have replaced the offending words with more appropriate expressions.
Interview by Garland Merriweather
Photography by Barnabas Savage
BORN: September 25, 1983
HOMETOWN: Pithole City, Pennsylvania
MAJOR: Animal Husbandry
HEIGHT: 5’ 4’’
WEIGHT: 127 lbs
TURN-ONS: blow job shots, gravity bongs, Charlie Daniels
TURN-OFFS: seeds and stems, AA, traffic cops
HOBBIES: cloud watching, alcohol poisoning
FAVORITE MOVIE: House Party 2: The Pajama Jam
FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: Scarecrow and Mrs. King
FAVORITE SONG: “Rainbow in the Rose” by Winger
ROLE MODEL: Jasmin St. Claire
FAVORITE FOOD: pinkelwurst
MARITAL STATUS: single
Ms. Licious, are you all right?
Who are you? Did we [fire truck] last night?
No, no, no. I am Garland Merriweather. I am here to conduct the interview.
That was today?
Yes, it was. If you would like we could conduct this at a later date.
No, man. Let’s do this. Hold on a sec... I gotta do a few whippets to wake up here.
Oh, look at that. Do you have a cappuccino machine? I say there! Are you aware of how that affects your brain?
Well then... let’s begin.
Wait... what was the question?
I haven’t asked any questions yet.
So... recently you posed for Playboy magazine. What was that experience like?
Oh yeah! It was really cool. We were all like drinkin’ red wine and everybody’s gettin’ real giggly. I’m completely naked, right? And I look down and he’s got a wicked . So I ease over and unzip his pants. Then I gave him a total [Bangladesh]. I let the lighting guy watch.
Well... that was certainly... er- frank.
Yeah. That was awesome.
Uh... let’s see here... It says here you that you were on the gymnastics team in high school. Dare I ask, any interesting experiences?
Oh yeah. We were at the state gymnastics meet in Philly and I snuck in on the Pithole City Boy’s Gymnastics team in the locker room. So I’m in the shower with this guy and I’m holding his [peanut bar] and this other guy he starts [Grand Funk Railroad]ing me from behind. Then the coach walks in and he’s like totally [cinnamon bunt cake]ing my [cantilevered arch]. Then-
Yes, yes that’s quite enough. On to lighter subjects, it says here that you volunteer part-time at a retirement home.
Oh yeah! So like one time I [stovepipe hat] [1982 Dodge 1 Ton] [Pat Benatar] [French Dressing] [home furnishings] then we [ceiling fan] [Decedents' Estates, Trusts, and Fiduciary Administration] [fireless heater] and finally I [man’s waistcoat].
Are you okay, man?
(At this point, I vomited in the closet and quite humiliated, excused myself from the room.)