The Mushroom, Sept. 7, 2004 Feature - The Next Level

The Mushroom, Sept. 7, 2004

"More disposable income, among other factors, is cause of teenager apathy."

Article by (Email)
September 7th 2004, 05:00AM
 


More disposable income, among other factors,
is cause of teenager apathy

LUNE, ASGRAK - Following last week's Miahuo Research Center's confirmation of rising teenager apathy and rebellion, Miahuo researchers now conjecture that this rise is directly reciprocal to the rise of teenager disposable income, which has increased significantly over the past two decades.

"Monsters carry enough gold now that it's easy for young people to make a living off of them, even it's just a few a day," said Miahuo researcher Doulas McDtage, who fighting and chemist skills rank far below of today's teenage super warriors, "My next door neighbor's kid killed a level 10 Silfaradoooo and that was enough to totally outbid me for a Monster List that was on eBay. Now, I have to work overtime or mow some lawns if I want to buy it off of him."

When not being muscled out of online auctions, McDtage must deal with the issue of safety and protection against teenagers, and is thinking of resorting to closing doors, putting valuables out of plain sight, and other such security measures.

"I don't care if the asshole's going to save the world," said McDtage, again regarding his next door neighbor, a 17-year old boy named Bluster Brother, "It doesn't excuse the fact that he keeps breaking my piggy bank and stealing my 600 gold."

Above: A party celebrrates a day of exploring caves, slacking off, and killing mid level slimes. Evangelions may appear.

Abundant early financial security can spoil or warp any person who has yet to fully mature, creating days and months where money is splurged recklessly and where every fancy or hedonistic whim is obeyed.

M'iaxs Brother, father of Bluster, recognizes that his son is out of control but rarely speaks of it to anyone, in fear that his son will kill him in his sleep and pay the mortgage bills in his place and thus successfully lead an independent lifestyle.

"Kids are just leveling up so fast now," said the senior Brother, "It's not just the money issue, but that technology has increased everybody's expectations and has sped things up so fast that all the kids get bored or disenfranchised."

After a minute of furious contemplation, he adds: "I knew that steam engine was going to fuck up civilization. I just knew it."

Researchers also suggest that new illegal drugs being passed around, like Green Herb and 1-Up Mushroom, and abuse of over-the-counter drugs contribute to general debauchery. Phoenix Down, for example, which can be bought at any drug store for as low as 30 gold, is now a popular drug among teenagers, who are using it on themselves when not clinically dead, and the subsequent euphoria and hallucinations it causes on the user has coined the term "getting raised."

"I walked into a convenience store, raised out of my mind, demanding all the orange gels they had and they said the police had to cast Poison on me seven times to calm me down," said Brother, recalling and relishing a previous week's event, "I do recall starting to do the motion to cast Dispel, but I couldn't finish it because, man, I was just so mesmerized by my hands."


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