We're really living in the decline of videogames, long past the curve of the golden era. High polygon environments, bump mapping, realistic physics models... all of this can't compare to the great promises of the 8-bit era that I read in flashy advertisements from the back of comic books, where I was assured gripping, complex gameplay and visuals indistinguishable from real life. I never got around to playing many of these games, but respectable companies like Konami and Capcom wouldn't lie to me, would they?
1 - Pay no attention to the freakish lad behind the ad. This game has a whole six levels!
2 - Besides videogames, Konami also made horror porn movies back in the 8-bit era. Where do you think the name 'Solid Snake' originally came from?
3 - With such memorable characters like Trog, how did Acclaim ever go out of business?
4 - The sad thing is Turtles Basketball probably better than what Konami has done with the TMNT franchise recently.
5 - It's true that the cartoon was garbage. Ironically, most copies of this game ended up in a landfill right next to E.T.
6 - Who wants to play a scantily clad ninja girl? Give me a mysterious guy in huge shades who is definitely not a rip-off of the Shadow any day.
7 - If I was named 'Sheik Toxic Moron' I think I'd start an evil empire too, or at least apply for a name change.
8 - Killing drug lords was all in a day's work in the 8-bit era. I think even Dr. Wily sold drugs to school kids in his spare time.
9 - I'd rather have a poster of El Toro, the Spanish bullfighting drug lord. Ole!
10 - Wireless controllers marketed towards rednecks. No, I'm not talking about the wavebird.
11 - A game system the size of a boombox doesn't strike me as exactly portable, but with that many exclamation points, how can I possibly doubt them?
12 - The gargoyle laughing at the kid because he actually thought the graphics on the original gameboy had a chance of being realistic. That or his goofy expression.
13 - This ad has more text than the actual game. Better graphics too.
14 - We know for a fact Ultra Games never took home any cold, hard-earned cash with this digital lemon.
15 - You'd be sweating too if you invested all your money in the Laser Scope. He also had stock in the Virtual Boy.
16 - Bathing little kids. Soon to be a mini-game in Mario Party 9.
17 - There's a very good reason few live to finish this game.
18 - Is the view in the cockpit of a Navy plane really in three colors?
19 - If this is an ad for the videogame Dragon Quest, the sheer irony involved would make the universe implode.
20 - Ah, good. It's about scaring freakish looking kids. That's something I can approve of.