And what a showing it was. SSX...a snowboarding game. Yeah, okay. I liked Tony Hawk but hated skateboarding, so maybe this'll be worthwhile too...then I played it. BROKEN CONTROL MAKES BIG DADDY RIISUKE CRY. It's that simple. Maybe it's supposed to take time to get used to the control scheme, but as my argument with Virtua Fighter goes, that's an amount of time that I wasn't willing to sacrifice when I could just as easily go play Soul Calibur. Madden 2001, you say? I'll commit seppuku before I ever play a sports game whose origin wasn't within the arcade (or at least inspired by). And so it went...for about six months.

Then a clown with a flaming head changed my life.

Early rumblings for Twisted Metal Black mildly interested me. Incognito, formerly known as Singletrac, was back with the series after a 2 game absence in which they created the vaguely enjoyable Vigilante 8 games. Okay, that's a good start. Plus, the inferior processing capabilities of the PS no longer hampered them. Okay. Whatever. It's not like the game is going to be as good as Twisted Metal 2, I thought.

...God I hate being wrong.

The game is sweet. 60 FPS, all my favorite characters, stages that are highly reminiscent of the ones from the good ol' days (play the "Downtown" stage ion TMB and tell me it isn't a lot like the Hong Kong stage in TM2, and I'll punch you in the mouth). Very pleasing. But was it worth 300 bucks?

Nope. But I didn't pay 300 buck's to get a PS2.

Y'see, a close acquaintance of mine had decided to get a new PS2. Why? Simply because he wanted a new one. And as little sense as that may seem to make, I'm not one who argues with the way that the financially favored spend their money, unless it's about how they spend their money on me. So now he had a slightly used PS2 that he needed to get rid of. He was going to sell it for 210 bucks, the total package including the PS2, a Dual Shock 2, an old fashioned Dual Shock (for those of you at home-don't bother with the overpriced PS2 controllers. Just jam your old PS controllers in, it's not like any of these freakin' games make good use of the analog buttons anyway), and Dark Cloud. To which my response chimed "Dark Cloud? What shoddy 'Zelda-killer' that wishes it was both TooT and Actrasier, but is not as good as either? Surely you jest." So he lowered the price down to $190. PLUS, after purchasing it, I managed to find a used copy of Twisted Metal Black for a mere 40 bucks.

Let's compare scores:

To get a new PS2, copy of Twisted Metal Black, extra controller, and a memory card, it'd cost you $420 bucks.

My grand total for the same goods was $265.

And now, I get to enjoy such wonderful titles as Dead to Rights, Metal Gear Solid 2, Maximo, Guilty Gear X, Virtua Fighter 4, and State of Emergency, without the added guilty of being made Sony's bitch (in purely financial terms, anyway). Oh yes. Eheh... Heheheheheheh... Hahahahahahahahaha, MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! KNEEL BEFORE MY MAD [337 BARGAIN SHOPPING SKILLS, FILTHY MEATBAGS!

Also, for my regular readers, I now make you a promise-one new column a week, or I perform the "Dance of Shame", popularized by Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon.

Werd to yo' mama.

(Editor's Note: Now taking requests for the dance event in Quicktime or MPEG format)