five faces of darkness
by, 21 Aug 2010 at 07:35 AM (4315 Views)
We all have personal flaws. Even here on TNL where people act like they are the life breath of the Gods.
I'm pretty aware of mine, though it might not seem like it. One that really bothers me is that I do not live my life in such way that is fulfilling to me on a daily basis. I am living in such a way that things will work out in the long term. Despite what some might say, I am intelligent. I am pursuing things that will bring me a job and about as much security as an educated man can have these days.
But as I said, my daily life is not fulfilling.
That is a problem I've pondered for probably 10 years or longer. I've come up with a dozen solutions, and none of them ever work in the long term. Dicking off and not doing things that enrich your life? Well cut them out. Play too many games? Cut them out. Read too many comics? Stop reading comics. Watch too much tv? Unhook the tv. Etc, etc.
Ok, so in each situation, I've cut out the bad, so everything should be fixed? Right? Nope. I never stick with anything long enough. Or to be more exact, I try to do everything. I do a little of this. Then I go do a little of that. I never get "great" at anything. At least not in regards to my own goals. Not according to my own standards for myself.
At around this point, something big comes up. Maybe finals. Maybe some family crap. Maybe I'm doing bad in a class and i have to work really hard to fix it. whatever. Then whatever it is, it blows over. Then I fall back into some sort of relaxing behavior. Maybe some game. Maybe trolling you assholes more than I should be. Hey, Hey, Hey, IP's back at stage one again.
if I ended this blog here, this would be where people hit reply, and gave me some really negative tough man love. Possibly in the hopes of making me angry enough to say "fuck this shit, I'm going to man up and fix all this shit and shoot lighting from my eyes and destroy all those that stand in my way. Thank you TNL for being dick bags and making me realize the error of my ways." There might be some good old fashion firstblood and SSJN trolling for good measure. If I'm lucky I might get that anyway!
But that is not where the blog ends. This is where it really starts.
These past few days I've been a bit of a man-child. I've been looking at transformers on ebay. Yes, yes. I'm horrible.
Maybe it is sleep deprivation or something I saw on tv. Maybe it is that Scot Pilgrim movie, with plot points related to dreams, but I remembered a dream I have a lot. A dream I've been having since I was like 10.
The basic run down of the dream is that I go into a store. And holy cow they have all these cool G1 transformers, brand new in the box. And they are all 25 cents each, and i got a pocket full of moneyz. I grab them all, and as I'm about to go check out, my family shows up. Then the store goes black. And there is an evil darkness. Oh it is evil. And horrible. Like evil dead, evil. And me and my family are running from it. Then my little sister trips. I then have to drop everything, pick her up, and hall ass.
At the end of the dream everyone is safe. I saved the day. Everyone is happy with me. But I'm not happy. All I can think about is how I wish the monster wasn't there and how I wish I had not been put in a situation that required me to give up all this stuff I wanted. I feel like I had to sacrifice what I wanted for those i cared about.
Up until now I've always thought that dream was caused by stress. That I was just frustrated that I was having to studying on weekends instead of going out and having fun.
But today as I reflected on it, I wonder if my subconscious was trying to make another point. Or maybe I've grown up and just look at things differently. EITHER/OR I have a different conclusion about the dream.
Something I have never considered is that MAYBE, had I not grabbed EVERYTHING, I would have A) not waken the monster or B) been able to check out before it came. Or shit, been able to carry one toy and my sister.
I had never considered that my own unhappiness in the dream was caused by me wanting everything. That is choosing everything, I was gaining nothing, because I could not balance everything I wanted and fulfill my responsibility to others.
Maybe there has been a part of me that has known the whole time that I have to pick one thing and make it mine before I move on to the next thing. Otherwise, I'm going to run out of time and not get anything I want.
Funny enough, I think I know why my dreams use transformers as a symbol for "what I want." The first thing that I worked hard to get was an Omega Supreme that I really really really wanted. I mowed my parents huge yard with a push mower, and god knows what else, to get 80$ (or maybe it was 45$, I forget) so I could order it one out of this huge collectors news mag. I did everything on my own for this thing. I hunted it down, I contacted the owner, earned the money, everything. I think I even walked my little kid butt down to the post office to get the money order for it. I set a goal, I figured out what I had to do to get it, and followed through.
Or maybe I'm insane and need to stop staying up till 7 am, drinking rum and eating tacos. I'll probably get the shit trolled out of me. Whatever. I didn't share this for myself. Or to get advice. I did it for you assholes that for whatever bizarre reason, I keep talking to. We give each other a lot of shit, and we act like we know everything and everyone else is wrong, but ultimately, most of us are a lot alike. And I know from listening to your opinions on things that several of you are in the same boat I am, or have not always been as happy as you are. I know that several of you are not following through. You feel unfulfilled. You got that monster at your back.
I posted this for you.
Make that transformer yours. Pick one, and walk your ass up to the cash-register and buy it with your pocket full of Washington. Then run like hell before the evil of all evils comes after you.
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