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Mzo

LoZ: Twilight Princess (GC)

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So I am finally playing the Gamecube version of LoZ: Twilight Princess on my Wii.

I'd like to say that I was stupid when I was young, but evidence clearly suggests that the stupidity has actually not gone anywhere and persists in my day to day actions. A good, fairly recent example: I stood outside, overnight, waiting for a Wii console on launch day. It was also the first real day of winter. Actual snow fell. My friend John and I were grossly unprepared for that eventuality; our only source of warmth consisted of our DSs pumping out the hot tunes of Elite Beat Agents. "Music lives," we'd shout through chattering teeth and blue lips, "music lives." That wasn't the dumbest part: I ended up buying the Wii version of Twilight Princess that morning.

Now, I am pretty much as informed re: video games as the average american male would be. Moreso, I'd say, and I still bought Twilight Princess for the Wii. I knew it was a cheap marketing ploy to jury-rig a triple-A title onto an otherwise lackluster console launch. I knew they had mirrored the entire game world and made Link right-handed (not a big deal? Fuck you.) just so the player could better tell that, when they swung the Wiimote as if they themselves were brandishing the Master Sword, Link would proceed to ignore your jerkoff flailing and do whatever the fuck he normally would when you pressed a goddamned button. He didn't care because Twilight Princess is a Gamecube game.

I think that point needs more emphasis.

Twilight Princess was 100% developed and completed for the Gamecube. Nintendo actually held off on releasing the game, patched it up to be Wii compatible, and sold ONLY the Wii version on launch day so it could help push their shitty system into our homes. I normally wouldn't care, but that is a huge lie. I get really worked up over this dumb shit. Consider this fact I made up: every Wii-related change to Twilight Princess was a change for the worse. I really wanted to play Twilight Princess, but they refused to release the Gamecube version until much, much later. I had to play this game on my Wii with no component cables at launch, looking like shit on my HDTV, AND I had to swing my Wiimote to make Link swing his sword; of course I didn't finish the game. Think of any Zelda game ever. You swing your sword like a billion fucking times, right? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Plus the buttons I had to use for items and digging and talking to Midna were stupid like 1? And 2? AND the d-pad and shit? Get out of here. Give me a real controller.

Years later I am finally getting around to the GC version of Twilight Princess, and it is so much better.

Things that Make This Game Awesome:

- Midna.
- Link using two hookshots at the same time what is happening.
- Iron boots are always cool and they get a lot of use here.

The One Thing that Twilight Princess Did Right on the Wii:

- Aiming with the pointer. That was rad.
- It was widescreen, unlike the GC version? What the fuck Nintendo, you petty thugs.
- I know that this was actually two things.

Why the GC Version of Twilight Princess is Better:

- Link is still left-handed.
- I can press a button to slash my sword or bite nuts with my wolf.
- I can shield bash.
- I can control the camera with the C(amera)-stick, just like in Wind Waker.
- I can control that fucking bird with a normal controller like a human being and thus retain precious sanity.
- Basically a standard controller is 100% better than imprecise, bullshit motion and no camera control.

Here Are Some Reasons Twilight Princess in General Sucks:

- It looks like ass compared to the beautiful Wind Waker.
- Your rupee bag is the size of a professional wrestler's testicle and the game makes you return large denomination rupees that will exceed your current limit back into their treasure chests where they will show up on your map forever and nag away in the back of your mind, begging you to make a return trip balls deep into a dungeon at a much later time to claim them. Fuck you rupees, I am not doing that.
- On top of that the game practically throws a million rupees at you every second, it is kind of silly.
- The fixes for this include characters that eat a lot of your money and a suit of armor you can wear that actually eats your money while you are wearing it. I swear that is true.
- Furries jerk off to this game like, non-stop.
- The Z-targeting which is now like, L-targeting drops sometimes and is kind of touchy all around.
- I went back for the rupees.

I think people should play this game.

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Updated 23 Jun 2010 at 07:50 AM by Mzo (Forgot about the camera AND THAT IS HUGE.)

Tags: nintendo, review
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Comments

  1. FirstBlood's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Mzo
    - Your rupee bag is the size of a professional wrestler's testicle and the game makes you return large denomination rupees that will exceed your current limit back into their treasure chests where they will show up on your map forever and nag away in the back of your mind, begging you to make a return trip balls deep into a dungeon at a much later time to claim them. Fuck you rupees, I am not doing that.
    - I went back for the rupees.
    Dear Mzo,

    Never change.

    Sincerely, The World.
  2. MechDeus's Avatar
    I love you so much words cannot describe.
  3. ShinMyk's Avatar
    I want to be like you when I grow up.
  4. dave is ok's Avatar
    I consider myself much smarter than you because not only did I wait out Twilight Princess on the Wii so I could play it on the GC, but also I forgot to even do that and still haven't played either version. GO DAVE.
  5. Compass's Avatar
    Yeah, the rupee thing is just horrible design and really stands out. 95% of the game's chests are rupees, and 95% of the time your bag is full. Which means 95% of the time, what was supposed to be a reward is actually punishment. I'd buy so much crap I didn't need just to get rid of a few.
  6. Geen's Avatar
    Love your review. I bought this on Wii, played it for an hour, hated the lack of camera controls and the shitty motion controls, sold it to Redeye for (I think) the same price that I paid for it, bought it for GC, placed it on the shelf for nearly four years. Much like too many other games, I should remedy that.

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