View RSS Feed


LB log - 20120813

Rate this Entry

18961121 01:34:39

Emptiness. A numb emptiness is all that she could acknowledge feeling within herself. Her body still registered external sensations, yes; the frigid air caused her to shiver, her brain still understood that it wasn't comfortable in the night's breeze and undertook the chemical reaction to cause her body to vibrate and alleviate the coldness. She recognized the sound of that cold wind as it swept over the rooftop and caused the naked trees below to sway. Her body still knew how to inhale and exhale and circulate blood through her veins. But she struggled to perceive anything beyond that. With her bare feet upon the rooftop pitch, she understood that she felt cold, and she understood that she does not want to feel cold, but she felt no compulsion to move to somewhere warmer. She felt fully detached from her body, and as she held out her own hand in front of her body, she required a moment to analyze the vision and accept that she was looking at her own body in the present moment. She felt no grounding in her own body or in reality. She imagined herself to feel like a chimney on the roof upon which she stood - an inanimate object which was exposed to the elements of the autumn night.
The rape did more than change her. A change would imply a refinement, or an exchange of one state for another. The rape did more than just physically harm Marilou - it uprooted her perception of reality and meaning. She had an upbringing in a comfortable house, parents who supported her, hobbies which she enjoyed, aspirations to maybe become a mother one day; but that all seemed totally foreign to her now. Those memories, those ambitions, seemed to belong to someone else who she didn't know. Who wasn't her, at least. The thought of stitching a pattern into a dress or sitting down to play a Bach composition seemed pointless. The thought of becoming a mother filled her with disgust, as much for the physical act as for knowing that there was no protection from the kind of evil to which she was subjected. All the love and support and protection which she ever may have felt she had from her friends and family vanished. This entire sensation of purpose and security is what she knew she had lost, and she didn't see any way it would ever come back. She convinced herself it would never come back.
This is how she convinced herself to ultimately end her grief. This is what brought her to the rooftop. She knew that she had to do this completely if she were to do it at all, and not take any chances. As she walked closer to the side of the building, she felt her heart begin to beat faster, but still felt no compulsion to reverse her course. She couldn't foresee an alternative. Much as her body instructed her to keep breathing, she felt chills within herself as an instinct for survival came from within to tell her to refrain. But she saw either choice as leading to suffering. The only question is what duration in suffering did she want. With each step towards the edge, she struggled to ask and answer that question. She finally reached the brick edge and climbed upon it to stand with her toes curled over the side. Her nervously deep breathing caused her body to shift in position, from which she instinctively corrected her balance. The struggle continued and her heart beating echoed in her ears. Again, she asked herself the same question and again she answered.
She leaned forward.

Extra Mode.
			EX% & Rank	EX.p/f		combo	nc	onc	%+ 	date
virtual mind gravi @	26.68 E		1546.F	498.550.1018.276.987	0116	2897	1105	162.17	2012-08-13T23:06:42:436Z

house nation @		62.89 B		1517.P	548.421.192.11.50	0163	1206			2012-08-13T23:09:42:756Z

consider numbers 3 @	43.13 D		1621.F	556.509.482.104.485	0143	1879			2012-08-13T23:13:10:027Z

湘南族-cannibal coast- @	58.88 B		1736.F	620.496.229.36.167	0081	1474			2012-08-13T23:16:23:460Z

ヒマワリ @		64.82 B		1583.F	577.429.154.17.102	0187	1221			2012-08-13T23:19:48:348Z

rush hour @		35.23 D		1985.F	632.721.830.201.948	0069	2817			2012-08-13T23:27:38:573Z

emerald green @		33.68 D		1235.F	402.431.574.160.517	0079	1833			2012-08-13T23:33:17:852Z

cosmic raise @		64.03 B		1109.F	417.	0262	0866			2012-08-13T23:39:52:293Z

stellaria media @	38.63 D		1924.F	640.644.760.172.563	0048	2490			2012-08-13T23:43:21:459Z

エナジーストリーム @	73.71 A		1784.P	703.378.107.7.28	0249	1210	1143	005.86	2012-08-13T23:46:56:972Z
			00.12+		0002+	17+32-17+1+2-		0035-				2012-06-07T01:11:45:281Z

scripted connection N @	47.91 C		1492.F	525.442.367.97.299	0154	1557			2012-08-13T23:54:44:107Z

アイーシャの剣 @		28.78 E		1629.F	510.609.875.357.1065	0048	2830			2012-08-14T00:03:36:125Z

parasite world @	52.40 C		1545.F	548.449.334.37.179	0094	1474			2012-08-14T00:06:22:780Z
Not too splendid of a day. If I remember right, I also had a very miserable play with Rush Hour on Random the last time it came up. I'm more surprised with how poorly I handled the Aural Vampire song. I'm also not sure if I have two variants of the Virtual Mind - Graphisphere song, because the note counts I have for the record in my file are substantially different. I recorded this one separately just in case it shows up again. Yet another 78% finish with Cosmic Raise; if it had maybe five additional notes at the end, I would have it cleared by now. Oh well.

Submit "LB log - 20120813" to Digg Submit "LB log - 20120813" to Submit "LB log - 20120813" to StumbleUpon Submit "LB log - 20120813" to Google

Tags: es, lb
Video Games , Personal



Total Trackbacks 0
Trackback URL: logo