LB log - 20120813
by
, 14 Aug 2012 at 12:59 AM (2560 Views)
HQ-S-3191
18961121 01:34:39
Emptiness. A numb emptiness is all that she could acknowledge feeling within herself. Her body still registered external sensations, yes; the frigid air caused her to shiver, her brain still understood that it wasn't comfortable in the night's breeze and undertook the chemical reaction to cause her body to vibrate and alleviate the coldness. She recognized the sound of that cold wind as it swept over the rooftop and caused the naked trees below to sway. Her body still knew how to inhale and exhale and circulate blood through her veins. But she struggled to perceive anything beyond that. With her bare feet upon the rooftop pitch, she understood that she felt cold, and she understood that she does not want to feel cold, but she felt no compulsion to move to somewhere warmer. She felt fully detached from her body, and as she held out her own hand in front of her body, she required a moment to analyze the vision and accept that she was looking at her own body in the present moment. She felt no grounding in her own body or in reality. She imagined herself to feel like a chimney on the roof upon which she stood - an inanimate object which was exposed to the elements of the autumn night.
The rape did more than change her. A change would imply a refinement, or an exchange of one state for another. The rape did more than just physically harm Marilou - it uprooted her perception of reality and meaning. She had an upbringing in a comfortable house, parents who supported her, hobbies which she enjoyed, aspirations to maybe become a mother one day; but that all seemed totally foreign to her now. Those memories, those ambitions, seemed to belong to someone else who she didn't know. Who wasn't her, at least. The thought of stitching a pattern into a dress or sitting down to play a Bach composition seemed pointless. The thought of becoming a mother filled her with disgust, as much for the physical act as for knowing that there was no protection from the kind of evil to which she was subjected. All the love and support and protection which she ever may have felt she had from her friends and family vanished. This entire sensation of purpose and security is what she knew she had lost, and she didn't see any way it would ever come back. She convinced herself it would never come back.
This is how she convinced herself to ultimately end her grief. This is what brought her to the rooftop. She knew that she had to do this completely if she were to do it at all, and not take any chances. As she walked closer to the side of the building, she felt her heart begin to beat faster, but still felt no compulsion to reverse her course. She couldn't foresee an alternative. Much as her body instructed her to keep breathing, she felt chills within herself as an instinct for survival came from within to tell her to refrain. But she saw either choice as leading to suffering. The only question is what duration in suffering did she want. With each step towards the edge, she struggled to ask and answer that question. She finally reached the brick edge and climbed upon it to stand with her toes curled over the side. Her nervously deep breathing caused her body to shift in position, from which she instinctively corrected her balance. The struggle continued and her heart beating echoed in her ears. Again, she asked herself the same question and again she answered.
She leaned forward.
Extra Mode.
Not too splendid of a day. If I remember right, I also had a very miserable play with Rush Hour on Random the last time it came up. I'm more surprised with how poorly I handled the Aural Vampire song. I'm also not sure if I have two variants of the Virtual Mind - Graphisphere song, because the note counts I have for the record in my file are substantially different. I recorded this one separately just in case it shows up again. Yet another 78% finish with Cosmic Raise; if it had maybe five additional notes at the end, I would have it cleared by now. Oh well.Code:EX% & Rank EX.p/f pg.gr.gd.bd.pr combo nc onc %+ date virtual mind gravi @ 26.68 E 1546.F 498.550.1018.276.987 0116 2897 1105 162.17 2012-08-13T23:06:42:436Z house nation @ 62.89 B 1517.P 548.421.192.11.50 0163 1206 2012-08-13T23:09:42:756Z 0090- consider numbers 3 @ 43.13 D 1621.F 556.509.482.104.485 0143 1879 2012-08-13T23:13:10:027Z 0264- 湘南族-cannibal coast- @ 58.88 B 1736.F 620.496.229.36.167 0081 1474 2012-08-13T23:16:23:460Z 0350- ヒマワリ @ 64.82 B 1583.F 577.429.154.17.102 0187 1221 2012-08-13T23:19:48:348Z 0176- rush hour @ 35.23 D 1985.F 632.721.830.201.948 0069 2817 2012-08-13T23:27:38:573Z 0653- emerald green @ 33.68 D 1235.F 402.431.574.160.517 0079 1833 2012-08-13T23:33:17:852Z 0157- cosmic raise @ 64.03 B 1109.F 417.275.146.6.42 0262 0866 2012-08-13T23:39:52:293Z 0118- stellaria media @ 38.63 D 1924.F 640.644.760.172.563 0048 2490 2012-08-13T23:43:21:459Z 0116- エナジーストリーム @ 73.71 A 1784.P 703.378.107.7.28 0249 1210 1143 005.86 2012-08-13T23:46:56:972Z 00.12+ 0002+ 17+32-17+1+2- 0035- 2012-06-07T01:11:45:281Z scripted connection N @ 47.91 C 1492.F 525.442.367.97.299 0154 1557 2012-08-13T23:54:44:107Z 0105- アイーシャの剣 @ 28.78 E 1629.F 510.609.875.357.1065 0048 2830 2012-08-14T00:03:36:125Z 0006- parasite world @ 52.40 C 1545.F 548.449.334.37.179 0094 1474 2012-08-14T00:06:22:780Z 0067-