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Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles (Wii)

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If you are expecting House of the Dead with zombies lasjflsflakf

If you are expecting House of the Dead with scientist zombies no they had that, too, fuck

Wait. Ok.

If you are expecting pretty much exactly House of the Dead, you will be disappointed. This, aside from the similarities inherent to occupying the same genre, is nothing like HotD. It does however make you feel like you are playing a Resident Evil gun game and since I assume that is what they were going for: fucking success.

You get to shoot your way through the RE series somewhat chronologically starting with RE Zed, moving on to RE, skipping 2 (wat), playing a fucking MOCKERY of 3 (more on this later) and finishing up with its own contribution to the RE storyline, some hack shit about Chris and Jill going to a secret Umbrella lab and fighting what looks like a goddamn cartoon character that (like a proper RE boss) ends up turning into something that looks like the devil's vagina.

Maybe you don't know this, and maybe you will not share in this opinion with me, but RE3 is the best of the classic RE games. You can dodge and push enemies and shit, you can make different ammo types, the fucking Nemesis is all up in your grill the whole fucking game, the Mercenaries mode is one of the best and also offers the best in-game rewards AND it ends with one of the best one liner kills of all video game time ever.

Having said that, the RE3 segment of Umbrella Chronicles is a fucking embarrassment. It only includes environments that were shared by RE2 and 3 such as the streets of Raccoon City and the RC Police Station, assets that are conveniently shared by other scenarios. Nemesis follows you through these weak ass areas, does shit he never does in the real game, and then dies like a fucking pussy. If you have played RE3 then you know that he is so fucking unstoppable he doesn't die until there's like a chunk of his buttock left, and even then it takes about 5 magnum shots to finish him off as he slowly farts over to you. What about the newspaper office? The park? The hospital? Cheap fucks. Also, they change his awesome STAAA-AA-RRRSS to sound like some techno electric faggot squeal. Why? They must hate RE3. Or me. Probably both.

Things That Are Different From House of the Dead:

- Enemies take like a million shots to kill, unless you get them right on their weak point. Generally this is the head or pulsating and red head-like area of whatever mutant tentacle shitstorm you have in your sights. This means the game moves at a slower pace but accuracy counts for a lot more.
- You have multiple weapons with limited ammunition but, since this is a home console gun game and not an arcade gun game, you can carry ammo over from previous missions and replay earlier missions to stockpile it. Certain weapons are better against certain enemy types, kind of neat.
- The game suffers from severe and acute photophobia. It rewards you breaking all sorts of shit with ammo and secret files, but the "shit" that I just used as a pronoun may as well have been "lights" because that is easily what you will shoot out for most of the game, making it so you can't fucking see what is even going on.

Things That Are the Same:

- While going for all S-ranks on the Hard difficulty by myself I suffered like G did.

Things That Make Co-Op Fucking Soar Right Off the Chain:

- The difficulty stays the same, making bosses die a thousand times faster.
- One player can shoot a zombie in the legs to make them kneel. The other can put a bullet in his brain the second he stands up. The kneecapping dude can also machine gun lunging zombies to stop them in their tracks and reset their attack.
- Obviously this is how you get S ranks on all the levels, especially since you can share the responsibilities (one of you can go for the crit and high number of kills requirement, the other for objects destroyed).
- Playing a single-character side story with two players makes me picture the character (say, Wesker) walking around Raccoon City shooting at zombies, dogs, and lights with a magnum in each hand and yelling "YEEEE-HAWWWW."

Things That Make You Want to Eat Kittens and Shit AIDS:

- The Raccoon City Anthem, as sung by some DJ who is going insane and broadcasting directly into Hunk's helmet (aka your bleeding ear).

I think only Resident Evil fans should play this game but pay no more than $20 dollars for it.

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Updated 17 Jul 2010 at 08:40 AM by Mzo

Video Games


  1. MechDeus's Avatar
    STARS? I'll give you STARS.
  2. Chux's Avatar
    Dogs of the AMS, time they made a move.
  3. dave is ok's Avatar
  4. kingoffighters's Avatar
    Shit, this is like that film with all them birds.

    Which film with all the birds?

    Well you know, the bird film. Fuck!
  5. Fe 26's Avatar
    I really enjoyed this blog. It makes me want to stop posting stupid shit in mine.
  6. its me's Avatar
    I am expecting you to read this and then look @ your key chain.


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