The Halloween TNL Epic: The Shambling Zombie Saga Part 1: Trouble begins
OK, guys, this isn't OFFICIALLY the 2nd Epic, more like a shorter, seaonal one I hope to have finished by Hallow's Eve :)
Enjoy! :D
(Weeks have passed since the defeat of the Sith Lords and the rescues of TeamGO and Team Gamefan. Now, in a bar somewhere in Medford, Massachusettes, a lonely TNL mod wastes his days away in Margaritaville...)
youandwhosearmy: *hic* Lousy bastards...not good enough to come with them to rescue TeamGO. Dammit, I'm the glue that holds that whole operation together! *SOB* It's just not fair...
Orochi: You're right...it's not fair. They have no right to treat you like that, youandwhosearmy.
youandwhosearmy: Damn straight! *belch* Who're you?
Orochi: Me? Oh, nobody. Just your friendly, neighborhood evil deity OROCHI!!!
youandwhosearmy: *hic* That's nice...well, if you're a god, then you'll have no trouble buying me a round now will you?
Orochi: Err...
youandwhosearmy: Barkeep! A pint of the black stuff, and charge it to this chain-weilding movie-villain reject over here...HE'S A DARK GOD!!!
Barkeep: Ooooh! A god! Now that's a new one! We get all sorts of types in here, baby. Hey, if I offer you my soul, think you can help the BoSox win a World Series?
Orochi: No, even that accursed franchise is beyond my abilities to help at this point...
Barkeep: Hmph! Some god, not even a demi-god really...more like a...*glances at Orochi's crotch*...mini-god really...
Orochi: HEY!
youandwhosearmy: Forget it, man. Bob's a good guy, he's just playing with you.
Orochi: Umm...Bob?
youandwhosearmy: Yeah...so...you want to talk some business with me?
Orochi: Yes...indeed I do. *sits down* I'm here to make you an offer you cannot refuse...
youandwhosearmy: Oooh, you can get me a dozen copies of Steel Battalion with controllers so I can create my own team of geek mercenaries?!
Orochi: Ahh...not quite, but we can get to that later. What I'm offering here is Power...Power to have as many followers as you want...Power to have the the whole NE United States, heck, the whole country, hell, the entire WORLD in your grasp!
youandwhosearmy: I'd rather have the Steel Battalion and controllers...
Orochi: ....Exactly HOW much have you had to drink?
youandwhosearmy: Dunno...gonna *hic* have to ask those Underpants Gnomes that're stealing my 7-UP boxer shorts as we speak.
Orochi: First of all, those aren't gnomes that are trying to relieve you of your drawers, secondly, Bob, get the fuck away from him, we're talking business here!
Bob the Bartender: Awww...you're no fun. *whispers to army* Those things 'll be hanging from the stuffed boar head's tusks before the end of the night, mark my words...
Orochi: Is he always like this?
youandwhosearmy: *hic* Only during happy hour, he gives it an entirely new definition.
Orochi: *sigh* Here...look. *procures small bottle* Just drink this, and believe me, you'll feel much...much better. *pours it in army's beer*
youandwhosearmy: How much do I owe you for it?
Orochi: For now...nothing. I'll collect payment...at a later date.
youandwhosearmy: Well...Mom always said don't be rude to strangers with purple auras surrounding them and mischevous twinkles in their eyes. Bottoms up! *slams beer* Ahhh...that's the shit. Now...how's about we dance a little?
Orochi: Wh...WHAT?!
youandwhosearmy: Come on, man. We'll do the Mashed Potato, then I'll teach you how to do the Twist, then baby you'll tell me...do you *thrusts pelvis*..like it...*thrusts*...like...*thrusts*...THIS?! *thrusts*
Orochi: Ummm...thanks, I'm flattered, I'd love to dance but there don't seem to be any humans of the feminine persuasion about, heheh...
youandwhosearmy: Well, that's because the lesbian bar is across the street, man...
Orochi: You mean I'm...in a...GAY MEN'S BAR?!
youandwhosearmy: Apparently you missed my post on the forums, but when I said I wanted to forget about women for awhile, I meant I REALLY wanted to forget about women for awhile!
Vincent the Gay Green Beret: Hey, army, we gonna go commando-style tonight again, soldier?
youandwhosearmy: Affirmative, 'drill' sergeant! And as for you, Orochi, get your evil little ass out on the floor and dance for me, bitch!
Orochi: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Bob the Bartender: Oh, I so love it when they scream...
(one week later...at TNL HQ in New York City...)
Bahn: Dammit, shit, fuck, damn!
MechDeus: That time of the month?
Bahn: Shut up! army hasn't turned in any content in over a week and we need more shit to upload to the site. He's not responding to any e-mails, not picking up his phone...what gives?
Burgundy: Hmmm...that's odd. He's supposed to be funneling the content over to BonusKun who spellchecks, edits, then completely re-writes his articles before turning them in. Lemme give him a call... *dials long-distance to Austin, Texas*
BonusKun: Hey, guys, whatsup? Other than you not FUCKING BRINGING ME ALONG TO HELP RESCUE TEAMGO!?!
Burgundy: Are you STILL upset about that? Come on, man, it's already been 3 weeks since we saved the gaming industry without you. I think you need to just let it go.
BonusKun: Grrr...
Burgundy: Dude, we were kind of in a rush to, you know, save our friends?
BonusKun: That still doesn't excuse you leaving me behind! Hell, it's only a three hour drive to Dallas from here, I could have had Aurora pick me up on his way up from Houston!
Burgundy: Bonus...think about it for a second. Do you REALLY want to be ALONE in a car with AURORA for that length of time?
BonusKun: Err...well...got a point there...
Burgundy: Anyway...I'm calling to ask if you've heard anything from youandwhosearmy, we haven't received anything from him in over a week, and Bahn's starting to get a little worried, and really pissed off.
BonusKun: No, can't say that I have. He hasn't submitted anything to me since he did that old retrospective review of "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties" for 3DO a couple weeks back.
Burgundy: Alright then...thanks for your help. *hangs up phone* Hmmm...this is troubling. Maybe we should check up on him, he lives just outside Boston, it's only a few hours away.
Bahn: Sure thing...why don't you guys check it out?
Nick: Why don't you wanna go? I thought you'd relish the chance to chew him out, you seem to get off on that sort of thing.
Bahn: Yeah, well...I think the authorities are still hunting for me for what I did at Fenway the last time I watched the Yanks play there...
Burgundy: Man, you were drunk off your ass and it only took them an 5 hours to remove that "Nomah si a fag0rt" you spraypainted on the Green Monster.
Bahn: Yeah, well, Sox fans have long-ass memories my friend. Last I heard they were still selling voodoo dolls bearing my likeness at street corners outside the ballpark.
MechDeus: You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion, man, I'm sure he's fine.
Bahn: Nevertheless, I want you guys to jump in the TNL Mobile and drive up there to check it out. And by the Power of Greyskull...*pulls out plastic sword*...I COMMAND YOU TO DO IT!!! *smacks MechDeus upside the head*
MechDeus: OW! FUCK! I hate it when you do that...
Bahn: I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRRR!!!
(and so, Burgundy, Nick, and MechDeus hop in the TNL Mobile, a 1965 pea-green Ford Pinto, and make their way to the small Boston suburb of Medford, searching for the missing youandwhosearmy...)
Burgundy: Well, let's check out his house first, most logical place to start. *pulls up to army's house, gets out with others and walks up to his front door*
Nick: *knocks on door* army? Hey, youandwhosearmy! You in there?
(A faint moaning can be heard from inside.)
Nick: You alright man? *knocks again, harder, and the door slowly creaks open* Shit...it's unlocked.
Burgundy: A lifetime of watching bad horror movies tells me this should be a most foreboding omen.
MechDeus: Just HAD to say it, didn't you?
Nick: Hello? army, you in here? We haven't heard from you in over a week, starting to get worried bro!
(The three make their way indoors and are soon overwhelmed by a horrible stench.)
Nick: GOD! What the HELL is that? It smells like something died in here...
Burgundy: DA DA DUMMMMMMM!!!
MechDeus: Will you stop that shit, man!
Burgundy: Heh...sorry.
Nick: Helllooooo? army? Hmmm...nobody here...but his computer's on...lessee what's on here...
Burgundy: Damn! What's this shit on his keyboard? Looks like rotted pieces of flesh or something...
MechDeus: Hello? Am I the only one in here who isn't a cliched, horror movie character with a complete absence of common sense and lacking any desire for self-preservation? Let's get the fuck out of here!
Nick: Hmmm...hey, Notepad is running on here, guess he has been working on material for the site after all.
Burgundy: What's it say?
Nick: Lessee...."All work and no play make youandwhosearmy something something...All work and no play make youandwhosearmy something something..." and it repeats that for about 50 pages or so. Nice to see he's feeling ok!
MechDeus: Christ! That's it, I'm out of here... *turns around and bumps into someone*
youandwhosearmy: Hey...Mech...how's it going...man?
MechDeus: AHHHHH!!! LEPER! LEPER!
Nick: Shit! army, where have you been? What's with the smell in here? What's with that shitty complexion of yours? And why...is your...left...ear...dangling by...your neck...?
youandwhosearmy: Oh...that. Ear infection...really...bad one. *peels off ear* Ahhh...that's better.
MechDeus: *BLECH*
youandwhosearmy: Woah...dude. That...is nasty. *eats ear*
Nick: OK, army, that's enough with the fucking around! Halloween is still over a week away, that's a nice as hell costume, I especially like the fake, edible ear, it's a nice touch.
Burgundy: But it still doesn't excuse you for not submitting any content for this length of time, or why your house smells like Rosie O'Donnel took a big shit in the middle of your living room and no one bothered to clean it up.
youandwhosearmy: Yeah...those...month old pizzas. Really...gotta throw...'em out...
Nick: You can also stop with the labored breathing and enunciating every word you speak as though it was taking all your remaining will-power and humanity just to utter them.
MechDeus: Guys...let's beat those feet...out that door, right NOW!
youandwhosearmy: Oh...don't go. Gotta...help me...with something...first. Can't seem to...finish...that...sentence. "All work...and no play...make youandwhosearmy..."
Burgundy: Alright, I'll play along. Does it make you want to consume someone's flesh and eat their brains?
youandwhosearmy: DON'T MIND IF I DO!!! *grabs Burgundy, bites part of his scalp off and spits it out*
MechDeus: HOLY SHIT!!!
Burgundy: OW! DAMMIT, MAN! That's going to far! I sincerely hope you don't try pulling this crap when you go Trick Or Treatin'!
Zombie youandwhosearmy: Brains... *bites open Burgundy's skull and slurps some grey matter*
MechDeus: SWEET ZOMBIE JEBUS!!!
Burgundy: Ohhhhhhkkkkkkkeeeeeeyyyyy mannnnnn......eeeeennnnnnnuffffffff esssssssssssss eeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnufffffffff.... *drools and eyes glaze over*
Zombie youandwhosearmy: Brains...need...seasoning... *grabs bottle of Tobasco and starts dousing it inside Burgundy's exposed cranium*
NicK: HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh....man...army...you're fucking KILLING me man! That's hilarious! Burgundy, you old dog, you should've told me you were in on this! What special effects! You guys will OWN the Halloween party!
MechDeus: No, they're not gonna own it man, they're gonna EAT IT!!! FUCK!!! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!
Nick: Hey, shit, Mech, lemme go, man! It was just starting to get good!
MechDeus: IDIOT, DID THAT LOOK FAKE TO YOU?! YOU EVEN GOT SOME OF BURG'S BLOOD IN YOUR MOUTH, DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT REAL BLOOD TASTES LIKE?!?
Silent Nick: .....*faints*
MechDeus: Awww...fuck me! Come on, man... *drags Nick to Pinto* We gotta get back to New York...gotta call the cops...the living dead are upon us!
(And so leaving their incapacitated, far-beyond-their-help companion behind, MechDeus and Nick flee the scene. And on the way back to New York, MechDeus dials 911 on the cell phone, wondering exactly how he will convince the authorities an army of the undead will soon be upon the whole state of Massachusettes...)
TO BE CONTINUED...
