Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

I just thought that'd I'd share a few of my favorite:

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

and now, my all-time unequivical favorite:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Im not woried about insects taking over the world. Cause it would take like, a billion ants just to hold a gun. Then I would just kick it out of thier hands while they were aiming it.

I have all his books. They are all packed up at the moment though. Hilarious stuff.

So deep, I squeak~
Z-roe

Quote:

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Originally posted by amerlop
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

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Ha-HA!!!

I have quoted this particular Deep Thought so many times now, it's...well...it's...never mind!!!

I love that one as well! Good show!

That cowboy loved the land. He loved the land so much that he made a woman out of dirt and married her. When he kissed her, she collapsed into dust. Some people at the wedding laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, the cowboy told them, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven...with a gun."

hahahaha good stuff, more please.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

My 3 personal favorites:

It's a sad thing when a family is torn apart by a pack of wolves.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then criticize them, because you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you're ever walking on a bridge over a volcano, and your keys fall into the lava, let them go, because man, they're gone.

some of these are really profound. some.

To quote Keanu Reeves. . .

woah