the two towers lesbian conspiracy
Found it on other message board. Funny read:
the two towers lesbian conspiracy
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A true story...coz it happened to me.
"I dont know, the first movie was... ok." I say, smoking the last bit of my smoke, the tobacco is coming out of the end of the skin, and getting everywhere.
"You just havent read the books" wines my mate Dave, oblivious to the fact that I have a ninja fixation, and no midget with big hairy feet can ever replace Stephen Chow hanging from a wire and dressed like a chimp in my heart.
We file in, shocked at how small the screen is in proportion to the gargantuan auditorium and.....erm....play the accordian.
We sit in seats apparently designed to correct the posture in Victorian times when cigarettes were promoted as a cure for cancer, and watch the slideshow style adverts for local colleges and car auctions, and make small talk. I am annoyed that I am in a cinema because I have this theory that seeing people in groups reduces the individuals within to no more than cattle - maybe im mental.
The two empty seats right in front of us are suddenly host to two teenage girls of about 18 or 19 years old. Old enough to lust after without fear of guilt (or prosecution), but a bit too young. Their behaviour is certainly immature at first sight. They gossip and giggle, prod each other and giggle some more, and as if they feel the need to giggle some more.....Fuck it. You get the idea.
The adverts finish, the trailers play. More giggling. One of them leans back on her seat, and the low back on her chair allows her to look back over her forhead at me. I smile briefly. She is annoying - but cute. Anywhere else i might dig the giggly bimbo thing, but i become an obbsessive compulsive lunatic whenever i sit in a cinema.
The film starts. Recap of the first film. Grey area where some stuff happened. Midgets...Blah blah blah! Wizards....Blah!
The two girls in front kiss.
I freeze for a second. I am sat in a darkened room watching two teenage lesbians kissing, and i have a front row seat. Suddenly i feel a sense of guilt, like a peeping tom on a window balcony cracking one off and spilling it onto a pot-plant. I glance to my right, and Dave slowly turns his head to me.
"Think pure thoughts" he says.
-----It is now several days since i saw "The Two Towers", and here is what i believe to be the plot.
A wizard falls into a hole fighting a dragon. Some dwarves walk about for a bit talking about how irresistable the ring is. One of them especially is feeling a little queer, and keeps thinking about putting his finger in the ring. Then some lesbians start kissing. A little emaciated CG thing starts talking about how precious the ring is, which is really funny, and then Liv Tyler yaps on for far too long about something in what sounds like Dutch. Then some lesbians start tickling each other, and i come up with a theory.
(Gay guys are great, they leave more women for the rest of us. This means that I have to somehow 'solve' the lesbian problem. The only way to do this is to research the subject thoroughly. Therefore, I need videos, magazines, and etch-a-sketch imagery of lesbians for careful, repeated study)
Back to the plot. There are some trees that talk, and in the directors cut they probably go on about the time they stood really still so as not to disturb the frollicking lesbos beneath them. Then there is a fight, and Christopher Lee stands on a balcony screaming "Get off my lawn!", and one of the trees pokes a hole in a dyke (he!)
The end.
I need professional help
