the jokes thread

alright, i love jokes --- good jokes, bad jokes, story jokes, it doesn't matter, so i figure i'd make a jokes thread.

so contribute your best (or worst) jokes.

i'll start with one of my favorites.

a duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks "do you have any crackers?"
bartender says "no." the duck leaves.
the duck comes back the next day and asks "do you have any crackers?"
bartender says "no!" the duck leaves.
the duck comes back the third day and asks "do you have any crackers?"
bartender replies "goddammit! i told you yesterday and the day before, no! if you ask again, i'll nail you bill to the fuckin' wall!"
the duck leaves.
the duck comes back the next day and asks "do you have any nails?"
bartender says "no."
ducks says "do you have any crackers?"

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tune a fish.
*assumes the Hadou stance*
Attack me if you dare, I will crush you!!

Quote:

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Originally posted by Nash
alright, i love jokes --- good jokes, bad jokes, story jokes, it doesn't matter, so i figure i'd make a jokes thread.

so contribute your best (or worst) jokes.

i'll start with one of my favorites.

a duck walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks "do you have any crackers?"
bartender says "no." the duck leaves.
the duck comes back the next day and asks "do you have any crackers?"
bartender says "no!" the duck leaves.
the duck comes back the third day and asks "do you have any crackers?"
bartender replies "goddammit! i told you yesterday and the day before, no! if you ask again, i'll nail you bill to the fuckin' wall!"
the duck leaves.
the duck comes back the next day and asks "do you have any nails?"
bartender says "no."
ducks says "do you have any crackers?"

---

Ha i like that wintergree gum joke.. its preety good..

#1
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Suzie and Dave were walking down the street.
This kid came up to Dave and challenged her to a race.
"I'm fast!" he said, "you're slow and stupid!"
"Ooh! I'll show you!" Dave said, and they began the race.
Suzie won the race and the guy walked away.
"Well!" said Suzie, "You certainly showed him!"
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#2
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Suzie and Dave were going through Suzie's mom's room.
They weren't supposed to be doing that.
Suzie's mom was walking up the stairs and said "what are you two doing?"
Suzie and Dave winked at each other and said, "NOTHING!"
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#3

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Suzie was raking the leaves in front of her house.
She thought it was a tough work, and wanted to stop.
Dave came by , and she told him "Boy this is fun! do you want to do it?!"
"Sure!" said Dave, "I enjoy having fun! Thanks!"
A bit later, after he finished, he went to Suzie and said, "This wasn't so much fun."
"That's Right!" Said Suzie. "I tricked you!!!!"
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If you don't like these, its not because they're bad, its because you have bad taste.

Indian Story

An Indian fellow goes to a brothel one night , and finds himself a prostitute , He then asks the prostitute , how much do you charge for the hour??? She replies, "$100"* So he says, "Okay do you do Indian style?"
She says "No!!"
He then says to her , "I'll pay you $200 to do Indian style???"
She again says no , not knowing what Indian style is!
So he then offers her $300 , again she declines his offer.
So finally he says "I'll give you $500 to go Indian style with me".
Anyway she finally agrees thinking well she has been in the prostitution industry for over 10 years now , she has been there and done that, how bad could Indian style be...........
So she goes ahead has sex with the Indian fellow , doing it in everykind of possible way and in every position.
Finally at the end after he has finished,
she turns around and says to him....................
"What was the Indian style???? I mean did I miss something here??
What was so Indian style about what we done???"
He replies to her.....................................
indian will pay tomorrow.

I got more on the way, stay tuned :D

Lie Test

As final exams neared, two students, very confident of their A averages in Chemistry class, decided to spend a weekend enjoying the social life of a nearby college. Although their Chemistry final was the first thing Monday morning they were reasonably certain they could pull it off. After a very late Sunday evening they overslept and did not arrive back on campus until Monday afternoon.

In the hopes of avoiding failing the exam the two decided to tell their professor that they had a flat tire on the way back to campus.

Sympathetic to the situation, the professor allowed them to make up the exam. After being seated in different rooms the two opened their exam books and began working.

The first question, for 25 points, was a simple question on fusion. When they turned the page to answer the next question, however, both students shared the same look of despair though they were seated in different rooms.

75 point question: Which tire was flat?

okay, i heard this one when i was a little kid, it was funny when i was little :/

why did the chicken cross the road..

because you were standing next to it, pinching its ass.

those were great. here's another one...

an indian boy was sitting outside a teepee with his grandfather, pondering life and such things. all of a sudden, he asks his grandfather, "grandpa, how do we get our names?"
the grandfather replies, "well, when a child is born, we look up and the first thing we see, that's what we call the child. so if we see a hawk, we'll call the kid 'swooping hawk.' and if we see a buffalo running, we'll call the kid 'charging buffalo.'"
after a few seconds of silence, the grandfather asks, "why do you ask, two dogs fucking?"

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to tell you a story I do not know. Admission is free, pay at the door. Take a chair, and sit on the floor. One bright night, two dead guys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed those two dead boys. If you don't think the story is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.


I've been telling this story as long as I can remember, and I have no idea where it came from.

Racist jokes arent funny..