the jokes thread

Where did this thread come from?
Here's mine,

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?



See you next month.

I don't have the patience to sit through those long ones, so here's some short jokes:

Q:What did the Mexican say when a house fell on him?

A:"Get off me, homes."

And here's the best joke ever. For the full effect I'll tell it exactly as it was told to me:

Max's dad walks into a bar and sits down next to a pirate. The pirate has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants which strikes Max's dad as rather odd, so he asks him, "Why do you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arr...it's drivin' me nuts!"

A Mr. Jones arrives at the emergency room one evening, after being told that his wife is in critical condition after a traffic accident. Mr. Jones rus up to the first doctor he sees, and asks, "what happened? Is she going to be all right?"
"Oh, you're Mr. Jones? Your wife is in stable condition, But her spinal cord has been completely severed. She'll be paralyzed for the rest of her life."
Upon hearing this, Mr. Jones bursts into tears.
"This, of course, means You'll have to take care of her... you'll have to feed her, clothe her..."
Mr. Jones cries harder.
"You'll have to wipe her... er, ah...clean her out..."
Mr. Jones is absolutely hysterical at this point.
"Look, Cheer up... I'm just messing with you. She's dead."

What does a gay horse eat?
Hay~

(ok, it's funnier in person, when you do the lisp and the limp-wrist-flip. And the change in pitch - h^eh~y!)

What did the fish say when it bumped into the cement wall?
"Dam"

Now, a girl told me this in school once, and thought it was really funny. I thought she meant Damn, like, "Damn, I'm a fish and I just hit a cement wall trying to get somewhere", kinda way. It was months before I realized she meant dam.

This one is in slightly the same vein as one of Freeter's, but it's still easily my favorite joke ever.

One day a man and his worst enemy were walking down the same beach and the two of them stumbled upon a magic lamp. The first man managed to reach the lamp first, and when he rubbed it, a magical genie came out and said "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but the price you pay is that whatever you wish for, I'll double it for your worst enemy here." He agrees and says, "For my first wish, I want a billion dollars." No sooner than he said it, he had a billion dollars and his worst enemy next to him had 2 billion. He says, "For my second wish, I want 50 of the most beautiful women in the world." Sure enough he was surrounded by 50 women, but his worst enemy had 100 surrounding him. The man grows a smirk on his face and says, "For my final wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles." :)

hahaha, those are damn funny.

What did the Farmer say to the cow on his roof?

Get down.

Why did the girl fall off the swings?

because she had no arms.

What is the fastest human race in the world?

Russian.

Didnt get the Russian joke??? What was that about???

Well, I will tell you few more:

Man walks on the street and sees a little girl who is totally bald, but has a huge bow on her head, playing in the sandbox. He comes closer and asks her: Tell me little girl, How is that bow holding to your head? And the girl answers: What do you mean how? Just like they nailed it.


Man looses his concience and wakes up in the hospital, on the cart being rolled somewhere. He asks nurse where is she taking him. She says: Doctor said to take you to mourge. But I'm alive, screams man. And nurse sais: We still long way to go!

despair, get it? russian, rushing.

three englishman are sitting at a bar, chatting, when they noticed a scotsman walking in. the three englishman makes a bet amongst themselves as to who can piss off the scotsman the most. the first englishman walks up to the scotsman and says,
"all scots are retarded!"
the scotsman replies, "oh, i didn't know that. thanks for telling me."
the first englishman walks back, disappointed. the second englishman goes up to the scotsman and says.
"all scots are gay!"
the scotsman replies, "oh, i didn't know that. thanks for telling me."
the second englishman walks back, also disappointed. the third goes for his shot,
"all scots are englishman!"
the scotsman replies, "yeah i know, that's what your two friends have been trying to tell me."

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

New student

It was the first day of school in Houston and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese business man, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had up. "Patrick Henry, 1775", he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,1863." said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.

She heard a loud whisper: " Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up; "Lee Iacocca, 1982"

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone shouts, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you"

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Conduit to Chandra Levy, 2001!!!"

The teacher fainted.

--- (new update to this joke below)

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"

Suzuki said, "The Taliban, 2001!"