Spreading the Gospel...

Oh holy jumping Mother Theresa in a sidecar with chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib.

This site is incredibly amazing, and MAD, MAD props go to kidnemo for finding it in the Bullshido forums.

I'm still going through it, but please, let us post our favorite passages and spread the gospel, brothers.

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Originally Posted by Mzo

Oh holy jumping Mother Theresa in a sidecar with chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib.

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Somebody reads Sam & Max.

Why is that dragon humping a giant penis rock?

Jesus loves you..... even if you're really a squirrel trapped in a human's body that wants to fuck dolphins

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Originally Posted by StriderKyo

Why is that dragon humping a giant penis rock?

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Originally Posted by Molatar

I too know the shame and anger about being trapped in a powerless and ugly human body.

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Nevermind.

Well...

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Q: Did you just say that God could do a shapeshift? I thought God didn't allow that kind of thing!
A: Yes, I did say that God could perform a shape-shift on someone. You forget that God is generous and kind. He knows our sufferings, and He will satisfy our longings to become powerful nonhuman beings if we remain faithful to Him. Read Psalm 37:4. God will reward His children with whatever delights them, but when He feels it is the right time.

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Doesn't the Bible also talk about humans being created in his form, being his most noble creation, and all the animals are just there for us to look at and eat?

FROM THE BOOK OF HOMOSEXUALITY:

However, liking gay people does not mean that I condone their behavior. I myself have had homoerotic fantasies, but I know its wrong, so I try to avoid them, though sometimes I fail. Part of being a Christian is to recognize sin for what it is and to take a stand against it. So no, I do not believe that homosexual activity is okay.

Thus it was spoken.

Okay...

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I don't hate gay people. How could I, when they are suffering from a spiritual affliction that prevents them from having an enjoyable relationship with a human being of the opposite sex?Most gay people didn't choose to have homosexual temptations. They can choose not to give into the homosexual temptations, but humans are just that. Human. This makes them, to me, just as tragic as we shifter folk. I have four friends who are gay and I love them like brothers.

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If homosexuals have a spiritual affliction, that can be fixed by Jesus, that causes them to not enjoy a relationship with a human being of the opposite sex, what about his little "affliction" that causes him to not enjoy a relationship with A HUMAN?! Shouldn't Jesus be fixin' up that little problem as well?

Oh, and I love how when he's describing what a dragon is, it's a happy herbivore.

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Q: How do I achieve a berserk state?
A: Entering a berserk state is not easy. The easiest and safest way would be to take a walk down a lonely trail in a city park. I prefer city parks because there is a chance of seeing criminals and thus I can get more easily frightened. Country trails have the advantage of greater privacy, connection with nature, and deadly black bears.
Walk slowly and take in whatever scenery the moon reveals. Imagine all the wild beasts lurking in the darkness just beyond the bushes. Imagine who might walk past you when you turn that corner. Imagine what spirits may be accompanying you down the trail.
Once you are sufficiently creeped out, dart in a straight line into the woods. Don't make a mental map. Feeling lost adds to the atmosphere. But don't go in too far because you want to be able to find your way back.
Now that you are in the deep woods, stop where you are and take in the scenery again. Your heart is racing. When you get the impulse, suddenly start praying for a shape-shift. Imagine that there is nothing stopping you from receiving a shift. Allow your body to take on whatever postures you allow it.
You'll now find yourself 'transforming' into the animal you wish to be. The reason you need absolute privacy is both to avoid distraction and to protect other people, just in case you are the type of person who freaks out during shifts.
Heed this warning: If you are the sort of person who can't control a berserk state, don't try this. Also, dress appropriately and equip yourself for the journey, in case you DO become lost. Try not to enter ruined structures in case they collapse. Oh, and one other thing: Avoid haunted areas for going berserk in. Ghosts are very real and like their privacy.

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BEHOLD THE POWER OF TEH SATAN:

I received my 'psychic powers' when I got into a heavy argument with my father many years ago. He was bullying me about my refusal to work outside where all the deerflies would rip me to shreds. He ridiculed me, but he would pay for that. I ran upstairs to the bathroom where I yelled and screamed into the mirror. I totally lost control. I told the Holy Spirit that He had no power and that I would serve satan from then on (BIG mistake!). I asked satan to attack my father with wasps. The very next day, my father came too close to a hornets' nest and got stung several times. He started to swell up from anaphylactic shock and my brother had to rush him to the hospital. That incident frightened me at first, but being an unsaved devil-worshipper, I didn't think much of it afterwards as I was too fascinated with my new-found ability to wreak havoc on people.

I liked his little rant about pot.

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One night I got into a nasty argument with my father. I got so upset that I put on my 'smoking jacket' (a brown leather trenchcoat I bought off a pusher) and walked down to the lake, where I smoked five bowlfuls of marijuana. I walked calmly down my street in the darkness to the highway. I was so stoned that it seemed to take forever to get there. I stumbled back to my house and I almost didn't make it up the hill because my legs were tired from all the walking. I was just about to go back in the house when the hallucinations started.

I listened to the owls. They were funny owls. Hoo hoo hoo HOO! I laughed at them, but then the hooting changed into a techno song. Paroxysms of laughter shook me, forced out of my wheezing, tar-laden lungs. Walking further down my street, I got a visual hallucination of a car's headlights behind me casting the shadows of five people walking behind me. Looking back, I saw nothing, but looking to the sides I kept seeing the lights and shadows. Then the shadows stood up beside me and walked with me down the rest of the road. I talked to the shadows. They didn't talk back.

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I want some of the shit he was smoking. :lol:

I liked this part Mzo posted

"Oh, and one other thing: Avoid haunted areas for going berserk in. Ghosts are very real and like their privacy."

WISDOM CONSERNING VAMPIRES:

Most normal humans detest vampires and will attack them.

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Originally Posted by CrazyGuy

My dislikes: People who refuse to get saved, people who persecute me for being a Christian, beer, lesbians, abortion clinics, deerflies, magick and satanism, heavy metal musicians that hate Jesus, the Roman Catholic Church, not getting answers to my e-mails, diaper commercials that show toddlers' butts, and the Teletubbies.

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Well. At least he doesn't dislike heavy metal musicians who LOVE THE LORD~!!!! But he hates Catholics, who are other Christians, which makes no sense, but what does to a person like this. :|

Satan has all the best bands.

Thank you so much - my mundane workday just turned into the greatest day ever.

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Originally Posted by Tracer

Satan has all the best bands.

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N*Sync?

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You get one shape-shift per successful prayer, so you'd better make this one count.

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THUS THE INTERNET GODS SEND ME TO A LIFETIME OF PURGATORY ;_;

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Originally Posted by Molatar

I no longer play roleplaying games. I don't need them. I have the Holy Spirit to give me miraculous powers. I have the Father to supply all my needs. I have Jesus to change me into a dragon and create neat lizard people to assist me in heaven. I don't need the fantasy because I have the reality.

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Sure you do darlin....glenboarne anyone???

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Originally Posted by Molatar

It may be painful to let go of your gay associates and hangouts an
entertainment, but you will be given the strength to succeed.

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This sounds like something you would hear in alcoholics anonymous or some other support group

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My dislikes: People who refuse to get saved, people who persecute me for being a Christian, beer, lesbians, abortion clinics, deerflies, magick and satanism, heavy metal musicians that hate Jesus, the Roman Catholic Church, not getting answers to my e-mails, diaper commercials that show toddlers' butts, and the Teletubbies.

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Gotta find the common ground, in the interest of unity.

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Originally Posted by Molatar

All dragons breathe fire and one additional breath weapon. As a blue dragon, I breathe lightning as well as fire

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Yeah theres always one thats more superior aint there...yeah well i breath....ermmm...something better yeah...

Fuck you Mzo, I was gonna post the berzerk qote. :(

Thanks for the link though, that is some classic shit.

JM

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Originally Posted by Psycho Dragon-guy

I quit playing D&D back in the winter of 2003, but I liked Molatar so much that I adopted his name. and add the title Dragon, Evangelist, Ranger at the bottom of my signature.

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I would die in a sea of my own laughter if I saw someone write their signature like this.

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Originally Posted by Molatart

Its something I picked up from Werewolf Tobias, who adds the title 'The Hated and Feared' to the end of his name. I am a dragon, I evangelize both on the net and at work, and I enjoy nature (but not the stupid deerflies).
Human physical description: For now, I'll just tell you that I look like a portly version of Jeffrey Dahmer. I find my human appearance to be embarrassing and ugly, especially the feet.

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:blank: :lol:

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Originally Posted by Molatar

Hobbies/imterests:mathematics (especially calculus)

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OK now this may explain why I suck so much at Calc. Theres that certain mental mind set that I'm missing......along with being able to shape shift into a Egyptian crocodile dragon.

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Originally Posted by Molatar

The 'little grey aliens' we see today are actually demons. Why else would the New Age people babble about them? Genesis 6:4 mentions 'sons of God' that mated with human women, thus the reason why I say that these 'aliens' are demons. The demons' intent in mating with these women was to poison our gene pool so the Christ could not be born. Think about it. These little bastards have SKULLS for faces and kidnap women to rape them. They're straight out of a hardcore porno fantasy. Uh uh uh uh, oh yeah, give it to me, you pathetic skinny spaceman!

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:lol: Oh man this guy's a freak.

Hey, I wonder if this guy'll show up here the same way Ninja Turtle lady did a while back? I smell 'Love Connection'.

His Dream link is definitely more sad than lols, imo.

All these furries and whatever have the same social outcast problems. I don't think getting together and pretending to be animals is really helping them out with that =/

A furry hit on my ex once. He bragged about his tail and dog collar, assuming that this was SURE to get him some action.

...yeah.

LOLLERSKATES!

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Not all furries are knowledgeable about animal anatomy, so there is a glut of cartoon dragons with boobs and other mistakes.

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LOL stupid furry noobs!

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No wonder we have so much 'progress' in gay rights - the judges and politicians are probably gay themselves and want to enjoy their sinful pleasures without feeling guilty.

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Exactly. I'm glad someone had the balls to say it.

FYI: Sad to say, this guy's Canadian.

"I've been thoroughly abused - verbally, physically, and sexually - for over 28 years by my own species. I feel I have a right to divorce myself from the human race. Reptiles have never hurt me intentionally. I think I'd rather identify myself with a reptile than a human because I don't trust humans."

Oh, I know your type. You think "I'll just get me a costume, rip off the neighborhood kids." The next thing you know, you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lazers on the front.

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Originally Posted by psychodragon

Most shifters love animals and hate blood-drinking, but some shifters crave the power that blood-drinking or energy-draining give them, and there are vampire groups that train werewolves in blood-drinking.

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I love how matter of fact his is about this shit. Simply amazing.

JM

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on Marijuana
the drug has many forms but they all snare the user with a chemically-induced peace that is very habit forming.

If you want peace, turn to Jesus. He's the Prince of Peace.

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...efan/cross.jpgand http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...fan/symbol.gif

Coincidence?

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My dislikes: People who refuse to get saved, people who persecute me for being a Christian, beer, lesbians, abortion clinics, deerflies, magick and satanism, heavy metal musicians that hate Jesus, the Roman Catholic Church, not getting answers to my e-mails, diaper commercials that show toddlers' butts, and the Teletubbies.

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I just don't get straight men who don't love to watch 2 hot chicks going at it. I can't take anything they say seriously after knowing that.

I hate the superfluous "k" on magic.

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Originally Posted by Molatar

Reproductive System: A dragon's gonads are located dorsally of the kidneys. A dragon has eight testicles or ovaries, depending on whether it is male or female. Dragons reproduce by hard-shelled eggs which necessitate internal fertilization. The male has a penis attached to the floor of his cloaca. The sex organ is cylindrical and has a rift down the middle from base to tip for transporting semen. The penis has an elongate, conical glans sprinkled with little spines. When erect, the penis is pushed out of the cloaca and projects forwards as it enlarges. Female dragons have a clitoris and two vaginal openings, one of either side of the clitoris.

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Kinky.

Basically this guy just needs to get punched.

Possibly a lot.

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Originally Posted by Brisco Bold

I hate the superfluous "k" on magic.

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Crowleyism. It's to differentiate stage magic from the 'magick' practiced by real sorcerers.

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Originally Posted by psychodragon

Q: Why did God tell the Jews to slaughter all those tribes in the land of Canaan? Doesn't that make Yahweh a bloodthirsty deity?
A: No, that doesn't make God a bloodthirsty deity. The tribes you speak of - the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, joined with the Amelekites and Moabites - were evil societies. Not only did they refuse to worship God, they also practiced sorcery and human sacrifice. God, being perfectly holy and just, was required to erase those tribes both to punish their sins and to protect the nation of Israel from spiritual contamination. If the Israelites were to adopt the culture of those peoples, then Israel would be rendered ineligible to bring forth the Messiah, for the culture would then not be ready to receive Him.

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Holy God-Sponsored Genocide, Batman!

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Originally Posted by Tracer

Most normal humans detest vampires and will attack them.[/I]

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? aren't the female ones really good lays? Or has japan deceived me?

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Originally Posted by IronPlant

? aren't the female ones really good lays? Or has japan deceived me?

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According to the White Wolf world of Vampires, they really don't fuck much of anything. Male vampires can't even get an erection without using their powers to put blood in their dicks.

Being a Vampire would suck for that very reason.

How come there's something like 8 different people on TNL with wolf in their screen name and avatar, and not one of them have posted here =/

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Originally Posted by Roufuss

How come there's something like 8 different people on TNL with wolf in their screen name and avatar, and not one of them have posted here =/

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gee i wonder

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Originally Posted by Roufuss

How come there's something like 8 different people on TNL with wolf in their screen name and avatar, and not one of them have posted here =/

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They're all in the midst of a serious phase-shift right now. They'll be back once the moon sets and their tails grow back into their coccyx's.

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Originally Posted by Roufuss

How come there's something like 8 different people on TNL with wolf in their screen name and avatar, and not one of them have posted here =/

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:p
would you prefer i went back to fiveironfrenzy or gongos? i aint no furry, plus im a catholic, so he really wouldnt like me.

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Originally Posted by Xeno G

I just don't get straight men who don't love to watch 2 hot chicks going at it. I can't take anything they say seriously after knowing that.

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Damnit, you beat me to it. WHO THE HELL DOESN'T LIKE LESBIANS?!?

Even God and Jesus love girl on girl action. (Please refer to Stormy's sig, which quotes a previous post of mine.) If you don't love lesbians, then you don't love God and Jesus.

Clearly you are a man who has never seen a real lesbian.

I thought most homosexuals were just like straight people, except they like people of the same sex? That's what I've been told anyhow, I rarely question people on their sexual orientation.

This is true.

And the average American is fat and ugly. This holds true for lesbians.

Though in all honesty, they are generally a bit more likely to have mannish traits, just like a gay guy is more likely to have more femenine traits. Not something that's inherant with being gay, more along the lines of "well, since society already thinks I'm weird, I might as well just admit that I like chick flicks and be done with it." Deep down, plenty of women find fart jokes amusing and plenty of guys think Rocky Horror is fun, the gay ones are just more likely to admit it.

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Originally Posted by sethsez

amusing and plenty of guys think Rocky Horror is fun, the gay ones are just more likely to admit it.

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so do the straight ones with taste in music, its a good musical.

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Originally Posted by frostwolf ex

so do the straight ones with taste in music, its a good musical.

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I'm one of those people who knows the thing by heart, and knows what to scream at the screen.

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A P-shift is the event of biological transformation from one species to another. Many shifters desire this yet fail to achieve it. But P-shifting is NOT impossible! There are loopholes in the Bible that may allow this!

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Oh my.

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Originally Posted by sethsez

Clearly you are a man who has never seen a real lesbian.

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I don't know about him but I was talking about when 2 hot chicks go at it. I know there are ugly lesbians out there and they're the majority. But nothing beats 2 attractive girls making with the whoopie. Back in HS I got to witness it first hand and it still remains one of the top 3 moments of my life.

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Originally Posted by sethsez

Clearly you are a man who has never seen a real lesbian.

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God loves all lesbians... even the fatties.

I, however, stick to the adorable yet naughty Japanese variety.

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Originally Posted by sethsez

Clearly you are a man who has never seen a real lesbian.

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amazing as it sounds. I have seen the two hot lesbians before, making out in front of me. err while was walking by,, but they do exist..

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Originally Posted by Xeno G

I don't know about him but I was talking about when 2 hot chicks go at it. I know there are ugly lesbians out there and they're the majority. But nothing beats 2 attractive girls making with the whoopie. Back in HS I got to witness it first hand and it still remains one of the top 3 moments of my life.

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=D I got to see that in homemeck(spwtf?) class. I will always remember that as the best part of highschool, EVER.

I used to date a lesbian. She's really hot and not manly at all. From what I can tell she dates butch types and is the "girl" in relationships, though.

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Originally Posted by Saint of Killers

I used to date a lesbian. She's really hot and not manly at all. From what I can tell she dates butch types and is the "girl" in relationships, though.

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so you weren't manly enough for you lesbian girlfriend?

She didn't know she was a dyke until two years after we broke up.

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Originally Posted by IronPlant

=D I got to see that in homemeck(spwtf?) class. I will always remember that as the best part of highschool, EVER.

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Home Ec., as in "Home Economics."

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Originally Posted by sethsez

Clearly you are a man who has never seen a real lesbian.

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One of the girls in my apartment is a lesbian and even though she's pretty chunky, she's got a pretty face. Does that count?