Why Death Wish 3 was the best action movie released in 1985 (after Commando)
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Charles Bronson is probably one of the most underrated tough-guy action stars of modern cinema. Let's examine why his classic film Death Wish 3 is easily the second-best action movie released in the year 1985.
Bronson plays Paul Kersey, ruthless street vigilante. In the first Death Wish he played a pansy liberal Architect. That is until, luckily enough for moviegoers, his wife was killed and daughter raped. Then he got himself a gun and a new attitude and took out the trash. He continued the fun in Death Wish 2, mainly because his silly daughter went and got herself raped again. You women really need to keep an eye on your vaginas! Oh, and then she was killed, too. Deary me!
Say what you want about the first 2 Death Wish movies, but at least they portrayed the events somewhat realistically. 3, however, goes fucking totally bonkers. Since Death Wish 2 Kersey seems to have become Rambo- he's setting horrific booby traps everywhere and has an intimate knowledge of all sorts of stupidly-lethal anti-personnel weapons.
So, what makes Death Wish 3 the second best action movie released in 1985, runner-up only to Arnold's tour-de-force known as Commando? Let's display the facts:
The Ghetto: This film takes place in probably the most run-down shithole collection of apartment buildings and storefronts I've ever seen in a movie. It makes the city in Escape From New York look like Beverly Hills. But unlike that John Carpenter classic, the inhabitants actually PAID TO LIVE HERE.
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Violence: SHITLOADS of it. This movie was originally given an X rating (no NC-17 back then) but it was lowered to an R upon appeal.
Anyway, more people are killed/beaten in this movie than I think it's possible for modern technology to count. It might be possible today, I don't know, I think Sony is using this movie as a selling point of the PS3's raw power and how it's the only supercomputer that could calculate Death Wish 3's death toll. I don't know what they did back in the 80's- I guess they just looked at the screen and said, "Fuck, them's a lot of motherfuckers getting kilt."
This movie almost seems to revel in its brutality and total disregard for life and well-being. And that makes for a good family film.
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Charles Bronson: The man was 64 when he made this movie, yet the guy had fucking abs. He was running full-steam throughout the projects and kicking the asses of guys 40 years younger than him. Bad-ass. Add in the fact that he has a cute girl young enough to be his granddaughter aggressively persue him, he bangs her in no time (this is even more absurd than Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment, and that's what makes it cool), then she blows up in a fiery car crash caused by the evil gang leader, and Charles DOESN'T EVEN CARE, and you have a good time. Despite the fact that he's ancient-looking (and it's stomach churning watching his wrinkled puss kiss the young nubile girl full on the lips), you still believe he could kick your ass and remain calm and cool while doing it.
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Cheesy 80's street gangs: Looking like rejects from the Michael Jackson "Bad" video, these clowns were even lamer than the gangs in that The Warriors movie. These guys had it all- goofy face paint, wacky nicknames (like "The Giggler", cause he GIGGLED), chains, they beat up old ladies, they weilded weapons like switchblades, motorcycle chains, and plungers(?!). That's the leader there with the cool-as-fuck reverse mohawk and tasteful gang sign facepaint. Fuck those pansies in Compton with their colors. And yes, if you look behind him, that IS Alex Winter of Bill and Ted fame. And yes, he dies just like everyone else stupid enough to cross Bronson. EXCELLENT!
Horribly Amazing Music: Despite the fact that this movie was made in the mid-80's, the soundtrack is a weird mish-mash of musical styles. There's parts with 70's-style twangy wah-wah stuff, and there's parts with creepy-sounding 80's porno-movie synthesizer stuff, and all of it awesome.
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HUGE PISTOLS: Bronson gets this baby through what appears to be mail order. Seems it's a pistol version of a big-game Elephant Rifle(!) that puts holes the size of hubcaps through punks. Teabag me, Dirty Harry.
Seems you can also have bazookas and self-propelled granades shipped to you through the U.S. mail as well. I'm sure people living in post-9/11 America are just shaking their heads in disbelief.
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Bad guys getting their asses totally annihilated by your invincible hero: The climax of the film comes when Charles mows down what seems like HUNDREDS of gang members with a Browning .30 belt-fed machine gun, his hand-cannon, and the aforementioned bazooka (saved, nautrally, for the gang's leader). He doesn't get a fucking scratch in the process, nor should he.
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Early career blunders of objects of geek mastrubation: British-born Star Trek: The Next Generation's Marina Sirtis plays some hispanic chick named Maria, married to a guy named "Rodriguez." No first name, just "Rodriguez." That's so you know he's Spanish. I guess the decorative sombreros (LOL) and huge Jesus statues on the wall of his apartment weren't enough. Anyway, she gets next to no lines, but for you fans of sexual battery we do get a juicy bare-breasted gang-rape scene with everyone's favorite ship counselor. An early role I'm sure she's proud of.
So, there you have it. Run, don't walk, to your local DVD store and pick up this life-altering experience. It'll be the best $5.99 you'll ever spend.
