Cheebs gets bored and writes a hot movie script

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08 Dec 2005, 12:50 PM
Cheebs

Cheebs gets bored and writes a hot movie script

Football team is really bad, loses a bunch of games by a lot.

Oh no, if we lose one more game we won't make the playoffs.

Mystery coach shows up.

I'll be your new coach. Use my secret strategy and you'll win.

Secret strategy is to eat secret oatmeal or something.

First game with new coach.

The game is close the whole time.

Final play of the game.

Team is down by two points.

Field goal kicker comes out for a 60 yard field goal attempt to seal first win of the year.

The kick soars through the uprights, continues on to the top of the stadium, and smashes into the score board.

Score board explodes with a spectacular CGI explosion that takes 2/5ths of the movie's entire budget to render.

Team swarms out onto the field jumping and cheering as sparks fall down.

Fade into "team wins a whole bunch of games" montage with rockin' guitar music.

Team wins a bunch of games.

Makes the playoffs

Walking out of tunnel to the field for championship game.

Watch out coach. You're getting too close to the tackling drill

Coach gets tackled in slow-mo

Coach dies

Oh no. Now we can't eat oatmeal or something. We'll lose for sure

Team starts losing. Down 89-0 at halftime

Guys. Don't you see what coach was saying all this time? It wasn't the oatmeal or something. It was us.

You're right.

Team comes out for 3rd quarter and seems unstoppable now.

Down by 6 pts with 10 seconds left.

4th down

Enemy coach: fools. You can't win without your coach.

Quarterback: He's right.

Gets sacked. Gets injured. Slow-mo shot of his arm being crushed.

Enemy coach: Bwaaaahahahaha

charismatic linebacker: No. The enemy coach is not right. We can do this.

Team: You heard the enemy coach. We can't

charismatic linebacker: C'mon. What would coach say?

Team: You're right. Let's do this.

Enemy team gets ready to kneel down for final play.

Ninja safety leaps in and intercepts the ball from enemy center before it reaches the enemy QB's hands.

Yea.

Calls final timeout.

Injured QB (struggling to speak): I'm...going...back...in.

Team doctor: No you're not. You tore your interior biceps stabilizer nerve. If you ever throw a football again you will die.

Injured QB: Sorry...Doc........Team...needs...me...on...this...one.

QB throws off oxygen mask and rises off of stretcher.

Limps to the line of scrimmage.

Barks out cadence with defiant authority.

Takes snap. Fades back. Throws huge bomb. Caught at the five yard line and knocked out of bounds.

Clock stops.

1 second left.

QB clutches arm and falls to his knees.

Sways back and forth. Eyes roll back into head. Falls over.

Paramedics swarm field.

QB's girlfriend looks on from stands with worried look.

Tension builds as the paramedics work on QB.

Finally the QB opens his eyes and gives weak "thumbs up".

Crowd roars.

QB catches girlfriend's eye.

She gives him a look that says "you did it".

QB gives her a look that says "it's over. Now I can go home with you to our farm in Kansas and finally settle down and be responsible"

Team gets ready for final play...

But our QB is injured and the nerdy backup with the clipboard hasn't played all season.

Wily veteran tight end: I have an idea

Nerdy backup QB takes the snap. Scrambles around in disarray.

Final second ticks off clock.

Defenders close in from all sides.

Offensive linemen make brutal blocks to save nerdy backup QB.

Nerdy backup QB panics, looks around.

Sees wide receiver in end zone.

Wily veteran tight end hung the nerdy backup QB's clipboard around the receiver’s neck.

Camera zooms way in to show clipboard close up.

Nerdy backup QB's eyes light up.

Throws ball.

Hits receiver right in the clipboard.

Team wins.

yea.

This one's for coach.

end.
08 Dec 2005, 12:52 PM
MechDeus

You're a genius. We'll make millions.
08 Dec 2005, 01:00 PM
g0zen

The breakthrough hit of next summer is HERE!
08 Dec 2005, 01:24 PM
Cheebs

Damn it, I just remembered that I forgot to work in the QB's girlfriend who's always worried about his self-destructive habbits. Let me see what I can come up with...
08 Dec 2005, 02:40 PM
Chux

Where are the tits?
08 Dec 2005, 02:45 PM
johnk_

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chux

Where are the tits?

On every offensive lineman.
08 Dec 2005, 02:50 PM
Cheebs

OK, I edited the script to include the vital "worried girlfriend" scene and the shocking "player ignores advice of doctor" scene. It's all edited into post #1.
08 Dec 2005, 02:54 PM
Chux

Where's Ragnarok when we need him.
08 Dec 2005, 02:57 PM
Cheebs

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chux

Where are the tits?

They're in the "team is winning a lot of games" montage. Hot fans flash players from the stands. Popular players get with the ladies due to their new-found success. Stuff like that.
08 Dec 2005, 03:01 PM
Chux

I want it to be graphic.
08 Dec 2005, 03:55 PM
Cheebs

Edit again: cut the scene with the QB drinking beer at the docks with his girl. I needed to make room for some explosions and possibly an adorable "pet" robot that one of the players gives to his kid (like Rocky IV or something).

Edit again: Ok, I've got the explosion worked out: Right before the "team wins a lot of games" montage, there will be a scene showing their very first win. They will be down by 2 points with time running out. The kicker will come on for a 60 yard field goal to win it. When he kicks the ball, it will soar through the uprights up to the top of the stadium and smash into the score board, causing a massive CGI explosion that takes up at least 2/5ths of the movie's entire budget to render. The team will all swarm out onto the field jumping up and down cheering as sparks rain down. Fade into "team wins a lot of games" montage with rockin' guitar music.
08 Dec 2005, 05:29 PM
rezo

Quote:

Edit again: cut the scene with the QB drinking beer at the docks with his girl.

Put it back.
08 Dec 2005, 05:32 PM
Error

Now buy a copy of "The Movies" and make the damn thing.
08 Dec 2005, 05:49 PM
Chux

Shit... I have the movies.
08 Dec 2005, 05:54 PM
Cheebs

Quote:

Originally Posted by Error

Now buy a copy of "The Movies" and make the damn thing.

I might have to bust out Flash and make this into "Mr Whepunfrut: The Movie" and post it on Fluffypotato.com....
08 Dec 2005, 06:05 PM
Cowutopia

This movie is good because nobody dies from a broken heart.
08 Dec 2005, 07:07 PM
Cheebs

One liners I have to work into the movie somewhere:

Defensive lineman to enemy runningback - "That first down will be your last down."

Coach to mob boss who's trying to "fix" the game - "Oh, I'll throw the game...I'll throw the game RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!"

Quarterback to wide reciever on 3rd down play - "Get ready to give these guys a warm reception."

Offensive lineman to enemy defensive lineman - "You're going to be the guest of honor at my block party."

Defensive lineman's semi-nonsensical one liner - "I've got more sacks than a potato market."
08 Dec 2005, 08:49 PM
Josh

I'll do the soundtrack.
08 Dec 2005, 09:18 PM
Gymkata

Ill do the voice over for the commercial.
or fuk that and have that guy that did "Little Tortilla Boy" do it.

He was on the Mencia show the other day. Funny stuff.
08 Dec 2005, 09:37 PM
ShinMyk

PABLO FRANCISCO <3
08 Dec 2005, 09:47 PM
Gymkata

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShinMyk

PABLO FRANCISCO <3

THANK YOU!!

I was dying trying to remember who he was. You all have to see his skit at least one time before you die.
08 Dec 2005, 10:05 PM
Gohron

"If you ever throw a football again, you will die!"

Can I be the guy that says that in the movie?
08 Dec 2005, 10:40 PM
ShinMyk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymkata

I was dying trying to remember who he was. You all have to see his skit at least one time before you die.

He was at my local university and I got to see him perform. He's so awesome. He signed my ticket too :]
08 Dec 2005, 11:11 PM
Super-Eggroll

This is definitely gold. You've got the money-machine right here.

Don't forget to make a sequel with the EXACT SAME PLOT, only more one-liners and tits. Every sequel to any movie should have more tits. There should be a rule or something.
09 Dec 2005, 03:30 AM
Galaxia

EMMY.

Can there be one explosion, too? Maybe some ninjas here and there?
09 Dec 2005, 12:27 PM
Cheebs

Quote:

Originally Posted by Galaxia

EMMY.

Can there be one explosion, too?

Covered in this post mid-page:

Ok, I've got the explosion worked out: Right before the "team wins a lot of games" montage, there will be a scene showing their very first win. They will be down by 2 points with time running out. The kicker will come on for a 60 yard field goal to win it. When he kicks the ball, it will soar through the uprights up to the top of the stadium and smash into the score board, causing a massive CGI explosion that takes up at least 2/5ths of the movie's entire budget to render. The team will all swarm out onto the field jumping up and down cheering as sparks rain down. Fade into "team wins a lot of games" montage with rockin' guitar music.

Quote:

Maybe some ninjas here and there?

Well...there's already one ninja...

Ninja safety leaps in and intercepts the ball from enemy center before it reaches the enemy QB's hands.

Don't worry. This movie's got everything. :D
09 Dec 2005, 12:42 PM
Chux

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cheebs

Covered in this post mid-page:

Ok, I've got the explosion worked out: Right before the "team wins a lot of games" montage, there will be a scene showing their very first win. They will be down by 2 points with time running out. The kicker will come on for a 60 yard field goal to win it. When he kicks the ball, it will soar through the uprights up to the top of the stadium and smash into the score board, causing a massive CGI explosion that takes up at least 2/5ths of the movie's entire budget to render. The team will all swarm out onto the field jumping up and down cheering as sparks rain down. Fade into "team wins a lot of games" montage with rockin' guitar music.

Well...there's already one ninja...

Ninja safety leaps in and intercepts the ball from enemy center before it reaches the enemy QB's hands.

Don't worry. This movie's got everything. :D

Can said Ninja chop off the hand, then have sex with a cheerleader?
09 Dec 2005, 01:40 PM
George

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chux

Can said Ninja chop off the hand, then have sex with a cheerleader?

Not thinking concisely enough. He chops off the cheerleader's head and makes love to it.
09 Dec 2005, 01:48 PM
Chux

I want hot, not gross.

He can kill her afterwards.
09 Dec 2005, 02:05 PM
MechDeus

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cheebs

Defensive lineman to enemy runningback - "That first down will be your last down."

HOLY FUCKING GOD THIS MUST BE PUT TO FILM
14 Dec 2005, 05:38 AM
PKBMax

That was a great read. Film it please.
17 Dec 2005, 02:14 PM
Cheebs

I just came up with what to name this thing: I need to secure the Tecmo Bowl license. It will be Tecmo Bowl: The Movie. That way I can splice in video caps of the NES game randomly throughout the movie just like the House of the Dead movie. Perfect. :)
17 Dec 2005, 10:39 PM
Gymkata

You sir;

Win.

Everything.