Looking for some peer review

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30 May 2006, 06:42 PM
Thief Silver

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Looking for some peer review

I wrote this essay that I created in about 2 hours for Composition for college. We were supposed to do a peer review thing but my 'peer' never contacted me and I hesitated in getting a new one because of a bad choice to procrastinate. What I"m asking is for some light peer review so I may edit the draft and turn it in as a final project. (I have turned in this pos draft already). I know there are spelling errors etc, I put those in there for the idea of it being a draft, just to make it look worse so I can improve upon it easier.

I don't expect or need anyone to do a huge indepth review, if you want sure, but just a few comments to make adjustments and turn in an improved paper would be nice.

http://www.the-nextlevel.com/board/a...id=19504&stc=1
30 May 2006, 06:43 PM
Yoshi

Best thread ever.
30 May 2006, 06:45 PM
Thief Silver

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yoshi

Best thread ever.

I hate you :(
30 May 2006, 06:52 PM
Yoshi
- Did you manually double-space it?
- "Television, the Internet, Video games, and Radio" are not proper nouns and should not be capitalized.
- "Sometime between 1950-1970" should be "Sometime between 1950 and 1970..."
I'd go on, but I don't want to be responsible for your suicide.
30 May 2006, 07:06 PM
Thief Silver

No please go on, the more you correct me the more you proved I didn't learn enough in english at High school. (seriously though, I'd like for you to go on) and yes I manually double spaced it, I couldn't figure out how to do it in Open office lolol.
30 May 2006, 07:09 PM
Burky

Quote:

Originally Posted by Essay

(Though some of them are druggies),

Quote:

some are a bit jaded, perhaps that comes from years of gaming

Wait, what are you arguing for here?
Leave these parts out, it destroys the point you're making.
There were a few more points like that too.

Also you made the same point more than once throughout various paragraphs. It didn't needed to be said twice. Main one which stood out was what a well rounded, normal person you were - in addition you described yourself using 4 adjectives, and the guy marking it and frankly I do not care about your nature as a person. Use the evidence from the statistics, not from how well you turned out.

The point came across ok, but I'm not sure how good the writing style was; I haven't written essays for quite a while now.
Also LOL at the double spacing manually.

[EDIT] I didn't read that you used Open Office. I let you off.
30 May 2006, 07:10 PM
Thief Silver

Is there a way to set double spacing for open office?
30 May 2006, 07:18 PM
Yoshi

I did some more grammar correction. I didn't edit any of the wording...

Media has always been a part of the American culture, when the revolution was around

newspapers were a form of hiding messages and sending them to the Sons of Liberty for our country.

Since them there have been other forms of media introduced, television, the internet, video games,

and radio are the ones that come to mind. Each of these appeals to a vast group of people, effecting

most people in some way or another. Sometime in between 1950 and 1970, a radio show host used his

show to read War of the Worlds, as if it were actually happening. This use of the media caused

nation-wide panic, as people believed that we were actually being invaded by aliens. That is a sample

of how powerful any form of media is in our world today, and from the looks of things, this power

will only continue to grow and affect our lives. We heavily rely on it and even shape our day around

the events, such as weather, that we read in it. Such a powerful tool requires great responsibility, but

many people don't believe it is being met, or at least, it is not being met the way they like it.

Violence has become a great part of our central media in movies, TV, the news, and, especially,

video games. Lately, as in within the last few years, the media has made attacks against video games

with the proclamation that they are the cause for violent tendencies in our youth. Most of them ignore

that the same violence seen in games is shown in movies and on TV, even going so far as to proclaim

that the interaction with violence causes our children to become aggressive and overly violent people.
30 May 2006, 07:20 PM
Burky

Appparently if you copy and paste text into Mozilla Thunderbird, it double-spaces as an error. You could copy it back from there. That's a bit silly though.

Alternatively just "buy" MS office?
30 May 2006, 07:22 PM
Thief Silver

Not enough time to procure Office :(.

And thank you Yoshi.
31 May 2006, 02:53 AM
MarsKitten

Serveral style suggestions. Don't capitalize concepts, you do that alot:
"Video games"
"Today's Rock N Roll"

the proper city state format is: City, State

Cite primary sources, the orginal reporters of the game sales, not the magazine that redigested the. Apply the same concept on all your sources, orginal research, not the layman interpretation.

As for layout, I'd bring Jack Thompson into the mix earlier. Otherwise we have no clue why the fuck you're talking about media until the end of page one. If you want me to I'll do a full re-edit with you if you're willing to talk with me on skype or yahoo voice chat so I can get it done quickly. It has potential, but the flow is awkward, lead-in bores me to death. I'm not going to rewrite your paper for you, but I am willing to coach you.
MarsKitten- Skype
Marskitt3n - aim yahoo msn
31 May 2006, 02:55 AM
Schlep

I would fail hard if I turned that in.
31 May 2006, 02:57 AM
MarsKitten

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schlep

I would fail hard if I turned that in.

I would fail it hard if my students turned that in.
31 May 2006, 03:03 AM
station82o

change your opening sentence. Your first paragraph should draw the reader into the material you will be discussing, and you need to have a thesis statement - or least a statement of intent to summarize what exactly this whole paper is about.

" Media has always been a part of the American culture, when the revolution was around newspapers were a form of hiding messages and sending them to the Sons of Liberty for our country."

The part in bold is a sentence, it should end with a period. However, its such a limpid sentence. You can add all that stuff about the revolution (and provide further indepth examples after it), but you need to draw your reader in with that first sentence. There's no shame in using a thesaurus while writing - it helps your vocabulary.

also - buy a copy of the MLA handbook - you will need it.
31 May 2006, 03:05 AM
MarsKitten

Also, St. Martin's Guide to Writing. Saved my ass numerous times.
31 May 2006, 08:01 AM
Earthling

The War of the Worlds broadcast was done by Orson Wells in 1938. I think is was done on Holloween. It was a theatre program that was taken as a news broadcast by those who tuned in late to the program.
31 May 2006, 08:51 AM
Diff-chan

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schlep

I would fail hard if I turned that in.

Yes, that is why its a rough draft, Strunk.
31 May 2006, 09:14 AM
Schlep

Yeah, but that's a rough draft.
31 May 2006, 10:22 AM
Joust Williams

I thought Ctrl+2 worked in OO just like Word
31 May 2006, 07:26 PM
MarsKitten

Awaiting the next draft.
31 May 2006, 10:21 PM
Mr-K

Quote:

Originally Posted by station82o

also - buy a copy of the MLA handbook - you will need it.

Truth. I've also been grilled by my writing professors to never use passive voice, ever. Your paper is full of it.
31 May 2006, 10:29 PM
Diff-chan

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr-K

Truth. I've also been grilled by my writing professors to never use passive voice, ever. Your paper is full of it.

Yea, but I think you guys are going too hard on him. I remember the first few papers I turned in at college, they were terrible and my professor LOLed all the way. And I didnt even study anything involving writing (unless proofs count).

Acting all "omg noob lol passive voice ftl" is silly.
01 Jun 2006, 02:39 AM
Mr-K

Quote:

Originally Posted by diffusionx

Yea, but I think you guys are going too hard on him. I remember the first few papers I turned in at college, they were terrible and my professor LOLed all the way. And I didnt even study anything involving writing (unless proofs count).

Acting all "omg noob lol passive voice ftl" is silly.

Same for me. I go back and read my old papers and cry, but the way I learned to become better is when a professor took my paper ripped apart (figuratively) giving me C-s and such for having more than 5 major errors in it. By the end of that term I was getting A's on all of my papers just out of complete paranoia of seeing anymore red ink on my papers. Odd that I listen to that professor so much though, considering her book on Flannery O'Connor gets pretty sub-par reviews on Amazon. Ironic...
01 Jun 2006, 02:46 AM
Tones

Peer review:

How to double space in open office:
Format --> Paragraph --> line spacing: Double
01 Jun 2006, 04:06 AM
Rhydant

Damn, this is terrible. Heres some tips:

- Avoid repeating words:
"...against video games with the proclamation that they are the cause... even going so far as to proclaim that the..."

It sounds redundant. Use a thesaurus.

- Never use the words (or variants of) I, Me, My, You, We, etc. unless your instuctor says you should. The writer isnt expressing a viewpoint (I, Me, My), the paper is, and it should be adressing an audience rather than an individual (You, We).

- Rewrite these:
"What is it that differentiates between me and the person who kills his girlfriend, then him and his parents blame a video game." (Wtf?)

"Him and Hillary Clinton are two government officials who have attacked violence in media, along with Florida Lawyer Jack Thompson." (Restate the man's name from the previous sentence, this is bad)

"It is what should happen, but doesn't happen because they use the corporations making the video games that they themselves purchased for their child, out to be the bad guys." (Thats just bad)

"But let's take a moment to look at that, is it the developers fault for creating games that cater to the interests of today's children? " (Wtf? Don't use "but" as a conjunction to start a sentence.)

- The word "very" is a quantitative filler word. Use something better.

"The series is a very violent one, involving lots of killing, stealing, and many other immoral behaviors."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tones

Peer review:

How to double space in open office:
Format --> Paragraph --> line spacing: Double

Good news, he isn't using OpenOffice.

Also, OpenOffice sucks. I know everyone hates Microsoft, but I'll be damned if I can't format shit really easily in Word. OpenOffice is slow, a resource hog, and is not very powerful, at least from my experience.

But its not bad for free.
01 Jun 2006, 12:31 PM
Mr-K

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rhydant

"But let's take a moment to look at that, is it the developers fault for creating games that cater to the interests of today's children? " (Wtf? Don't use "but" as a conjunction to start a sentence.)

Using a conjunction at the beginning of a sentence is okay in my book, it's just poorly used in this instance. A lot of rules that people abide by like not using but or because or and at the beginning of a sentence don't really apply.