Marriage/Serious Relationships

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Originally Posted by haohmaru

Exactly. I hit the point where I was like "what the fuck is going on here?". I have to try to get my wife to want to have sex with me once in a while? How do you make someone want that? I took all the steps that she said were missing and I'm not even going to go into how fucking stupid they were - but they all produced the same results - nothing.

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I don't have to tell you this, but her 'steps" were probably just excuses to make herself feel better. Like she wasn't the one screwing things up.

But do you have any theories on how she got that way? Or is it just your run of the mill "women are insane" stuff?

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Originally Posted by SpoDaddy

There are certainly lazy assholes like that out there but I think the issue is more that women get off on mental stuff rather than physical stuff. Once the novelty wears off sex loses it's edge for the woman, wheras for a guy the edge is always a given as long as there's a vagina in the room. You have to spice things up to keep them interesting but I think eventually most women just sort of lose interest, notice that their man still wants it, and start to see sex as something to be bartered.

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I blame society for this more than anything. Why the hell is it the man's job to make sex work? I mean come on, women are human beings, humans like pleasure, they have vaginas that give pleasure. SO, with logic even a three year old could understand, you'd think they want to keep having sex. You'd think they would figure out whatever thing "x" is that makes them get off and do it. And it isn't like someone doesn't want them to have orgasms. The whole world wants them to get off. Men want them to get off, other women want them to get off, hell, kids, cats, dogs, trees, bats, turtles, and jesus probably want them to get off.

So I have to blame society. It seems to be only thing telling them that aren't suppose to be as sexual as men, and they have to act this or that way. But shit, I don't know. Its all crap.

I sometimes wonder how much we harm ourselves with marriage. It's like the Dali Lama or Catholic priests who swear off sex. That just isn't natural and now we've got an entire country of sexually mollested children as proof.

How natural is marriage? Aren't men programmed to spread their seed as much as possible to ensure their genes move forward? Natural selection, evolution, all that wonderful stuff? Don't we have millions of failed marriages across the country that suggest maybe humans just weren't designed with monogamy in mind? Monogamy is extremely rare in other creatures, why do we think we are meant to be monogamous?

the problem with what your saying is that if anyone wants marriage, it is men. 70% of divorces are started by the woman.

The problem may not be with monogamy, but with people in general. Most of us never live up to the ideals we believe in as a society, regardless of what they are. We have idiots that have wonderful marriages, and presidents that cheat on their wives. Marriage might have a high rate of failure because with two people you have double the chance of human flaws screwing things up.

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Originally Posted by buttcheeks

any advice? What is your story?

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My wife and I were realistic about what we were doing. I had finished college and was already teaching, and she was only a year away from finishing. We started small and built ourselves up, and most importantly, we waited until we were ready to have children. Our first daughter was born four years into our marriage (we wanted to make sure things would work out before we ran out and had kids), and our second was born four years after that (which gives some slack in raising them. My eldest daughter started pre-k a week after her little sister was born. That way my wife could concentrate on the newborn without having to worry about taking care of two kids at once during the day).

It's a lot of realism and common sense, but mostly, it's about two people reaching a point in their lives where they know what they want and making sure that they both want the same thing. Setting a plan to achieve those goals allows for the marriage to grow and strengthen, and our marriage is actually better now that we have our children (two is enough for us). After eight long years, we're finally the complete family we always wanted.

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Originally Posted by Pineapple

since when did Forever and Ever till Death do us Part become "many, many years?" Is that an allusion to "I hope he dies someday when I still have some juice left in me."? ;)

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Hey, I'm being realistic. After eight years, I have absolutely no desire to cheat on my wife, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. We're economically sound, good parents, and we both love and trust each other and have great communication. That being said, no one can read the future, so it's kind of dumb to make promises when you have no idea what the future brings.

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Originally Posted by Doc Holliday

Don't get married until your in your thirties.

By that time you will have solidified your career and gotten what ever possessions-attained whatever experiences you thought were important, if your hobby was going to be profitable by now it will. By this time you will have found a girl with similar interests and equal ambition, who can drink as much and as often as you, who has strengths that are your own weaknesses. A relationship is a pact, a partnership. And the secret to a long relationship is competition. It is a three legged race and it won't work if someone falls behind. This doesn't mean you won't stumble, but you should have picked a partner that will pick you back up and expect the same.

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I wouldn't say you should necessarily wait until your 30s, but it's true that you should have a clear idea of what you're looking for, and make sure your partner shares those goals. Marriage is about more than just love (love don't pay the bills!). It's about sacrifice, trust, honor, and commitment.

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Originally Posted by Yoshi

It's not my marriage. It's the whole institution. Would you sign a lifetime contract with one employer with no solid indication of the position you would hold, the salary you would receive, etc.? It's not really any different. Some people get very lucky, but the whole idea is dumb as hell.

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If you approach marriage like you do taking a job, no wonder you're miserable. Anyone can get a decent job, and it doesn't require anything from you like marriage does. You can leave a job you hate, and you can leave a marriage. No one's shackling you to your wife. If you're looking for a crystal ball to tell you whether or not your marriage will work, you're SOL. Nothing's guaranteed in this life, and you get nowhere unless you take chances.

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Originally Posted by kingoffighters

Met my wife 10 years ago, got married in 2002 and have been very happy ever since. There are good and bad days, just like anything else but my life is better with her than without her. Here are some things I realized for our marriage to work:

1-Be honest and open to communicate with just about anything. A good relationship (whether it is friends, parents, children, or spouse) should be built on honesty and trust. Without trust, it will most likely fail.

2-Compromise. Once you have another person in your life, you will need to compromise. Doesn't matter if he/she is your soulmate and all that crap, you still need to. No 2 people are born to live together under one roof (that includes your parents/children/roommate). You will always have to make some concession. Keep in mind that the other person has to do the same too. And this is where #1 comes into play, because if you feel like you are giving up too much, you got to be able to talk it out (maturely) and resolve the issue

3-Try new things. I can't say this enough, one of the things that I love my wife the most is that we share new experiences all the time. Whether it is buying our first home, getting our first pet, going to our first play, taking classes (separately), buying our second home, having a baby, etc etc etc, we are always doing something new every year. We share our trials and tribulations together and that brings us closer together.

A relationship, like all living things, need to grow, or it will slowly die. To grow a relationship, you need to try to do new things (either together or separately) and then bring that experience back.

4-Even though you are married, it is important to realize that you don't have to spend every waking moment together. Each should seek out his/her own friends or have their own time to do their own things. This is where #1 comes in again with trust, so no one feels like the other person is cheating or ignoring each other.

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Marriage is alot of work, but it can be alot of fun too. I think back on ex gfs and know that some of them definitely would have ended in divorce because we were too different personality wise, or that we wouldn't have been able to do one of the things above.

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Words of wisdom, these are, especially point #4. Thinking that marriage means the end of you as a person is not just ignorant, it's a clear sign that you're not ready to get married. You don't simply stop being you because you tie the knot. As kof said, marriage is about compromise. My wife knew I was a gamer when we started dating, and she's accepted that. I also did a good job of selling it to her: "at least when I'm playing you know where I am and who I'm with!" So long as I don't use the money for bills to buy games, she has no problem with it. Hell, I started Sega-16 after our first daughter was born! My wife knows that it's my passion, and she accepts who I am. She's never tried to change me. By the same token, I've never tried to change her, and I've supported everything she's wanted to do. You want to work part time and be with the kids in the afternoon? If we can afford it, no problem. You want to go back to school? No problem. She needs her space and so do I. We're not joined at the hip.

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Originally Posted by Saint of Killers

I think a lot of the time after a guy has been in a relationship for awhile he starts taking the sex for granted. No foreplay, no oral, just jam it on in and pump away for five minutes then roll over and go to sleep.

I've been in two relationships that have lasted over two years and I have to admit the longer it lasted the harder I had to try to keep the sex interesting. Men do tend to get bored with the same partner after awhile (obviously this speaks to the "don't ever get married" side of the argument) and I don't think it's always fair to blame the woman for lack of sex in a marriage/long term relationship.

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We've never had this problem. Our sex life hasn't gotten dull or anything, as we try to keep things fun. If you don't try to keep things fresh, it's going to get bad quick.

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Originally Posted by haohmaru

Talk to me in 10 years when you have a couple of 'lil ones running around. You haven't been in it long enough yet. Hopefully, it won't become the case.

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I'm actually happier now than ever. I've always wanted kids, and I felt our family was incomplete until little Emily arrived last month. I absolutely love being a dad, and my wife and I are much closer now that we've had kids. It's a great feeling to have a family.

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Originally Posted by torgo

Monogamy is extremely rare in other creatures, why do we think we are meant to be monogamous?

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I think society is full of crap for trying to make people think they have to get married. It works for some people, and it doesn't for other. The difference between us and animals is that we can choose to be monogamous. I say go with what works best for you.

Sounds like Melf's got his shit together :tu: Very admirable.

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Originally Posted by Melf

We've never had this problem. Our sex life hasn't gotten dull or anything, as we try to keep things fun. If you don't try to keep things fresh, it's going to get bad quick.

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what exactly is there new to do after two kids?

You'd be surprised. ;)

I'm not going to go into specifics here for privacy reasons, but the point is that you need to keep things fresh and lively. Having kids has done nothing to our sex life except make quality time scarce. Luckily, I have four free hours between classes twice a week, so that gives me plenty of time to get home!

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Originally Posted by Changeling

There is no "true love" worth me losing half of everything I own.

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Just move to a non-community property state or sign a prenuptial agreement.

Any man not leaving a shitty marriage is either afraid of being alone, or is afraid of change, just like the rest of mankind. People like things that are familiar, as much as they might bitch about them. Hell, they are so used to bitching about their shitty marriage that what would they now bitch about with conviction? Creatures of habit, we are without a doubt.