Stroke

We've heard everyone's stories of their worst pukes, some bad shits, horrible drunken/intoxicated nights, but now we ok, I want to hear/share the
Worst Masturbation Stories! I figure this probobly isn't skull and bones worthy, and I was reminded of one of mine tonight, so here goes.

#1.
I was 13 and had only recently started waxing my log. I was trying to sleep one night and was just too horny to fall asleep. So I got up and went to the upstairs bathroom (by this time my whole family; mom dad 2 sisters and brother, were all asleep). I know some people who jerk off freehand, but I was a lotion kinda guy so I started looking for some. Not finding any of our normal Jergens, I grabbed a bottle of Icy Hot. My thought process was something along the lines of "Well it's slimy and lotion like, this should do the job."
Let me tell you, getting kicked in the balls hurts, but when you grab a nice little handful of Icy Hot and being rubbing it on your cock, nothing seems quite as painful down there ever again. It took about 20 seconds to kick in, so there was no washing it off (which I tried profusely to do), and there was no end in sight for the pain. Now that I know what a tattoo feels like, I have to admit that if I had 500 people tattooing my penis at the same time non-stop for 30 minutes, thats most likely the same feeling.
I was in utter agony and at the same time (much like my puke story, same bathroom actually), had to be fucking silent so that I didn't wake anyone up. I was basically freaking the fuck out because I thought the pain would never stop and that I had just killed my penis. Even thinking of it now makes little resonating pains come back.
So yeah, Icy Hot is not lube.

This is already a bit long, so I'll wait to post #2 until this thread gets some more takers.

This fucking thread delivers.

I got caught by my neighbor smacking the log in my room when I was like 13. Now most neighbors would probably laugh it off, but this asshole called the police. They damn near charged me with indecent exposure, my mother was crushed in only a way a Jewish Mommy can be. I learned a lesson that night, shut the drapes man, people are always trying to catch you doing something.

Funny end though, i ended up fucking his daughter not because she was hot, and not because she lived next door. I did it to get back at him and even managed to spunk all over his couch.

That's as rock and roll as it gets.

Not really, I had to deal with my mother for years after that, YEARS.


Are you touching yourself? Do people see you? Are you a pervert? Do I need to get you in some classes?

I once walked in on my first roomate in college flogging the log with my Sports illustrated. Not the swimsuit issue mind you, i think he was looking at Penny Hardaway. I asked for and received a transfer the next day, leaving all of my reading materials in the dorm room.

I was talking about you fucking the daughter, but yeah, that sucks. My parents never caught me whackin it but they did find my (tiny at the time) stash of porn that I had taken out to show my buddy and left on my bed when we went outside. That sucked. They also found it one more time after that by accident again, and told me if they ever found anymore I was gone, so I semi feel for ya.

The girl was nothing to write home about, but the job had to be done.

Oh man, you lost your porn stash? That sucks now you had to go steal more from your friend's dad (we all had a friend who's dad had STACKS of porn didn't we?)

Actually yes, but I never took any. I've since replenished my stash several times over, as recently as 3 days ago. High ClASS 3 is a great flick.

I remember my buddies the Clement twins (god now that is a thread all in itself) who had a step dad that had like 50,000 (i'm not shitting you) porn mags in this little shed way out on his property. We used to take Penthouse's and Swank's out of there by the truckload. He never said anything.

He also grew weed in said shack, and that's how we learned how to smoke weed as well.


Man, I miss that shack :(

I got caught masturbating in a church, I'm just glad the person who caught me was my mom.

I don't really want to go into the story, I was just stupid.

Holy shit, you win.

That is fucking phenomenal E, I am so proud of you:lol:

The ride home really sucked, my mom just kept asking what was wrong with me. :(

as if she didn't know.

Dude you gotta spill the beans man, I mean Pineapple about poisoned his dick and I almost got arrested, it can't be THAT bad.

Yeah, I don't think it was as bad as your guys' stories. Church service was just going on down stairs, and there was an empty room... and I guess the spirit moved me. I was pretty young when it happened, but my mom made me feel like some devil-child afterwards.

The only thing bad was that it was in a weird place, it would have been really bad if it was someone else that caught me.

Edit: LOL at that picture Pineapple.

I see you were not smited, so consider yourself saved son.

This thread reminds me when I bet a kid at camp to rub Tiger Balm on his junk. Hilarity ensued.

Well one fine christmas morning when I was 13 I awoke earlier than everyone else. And I did the next logical thing, which was to go down stairs and beat off feverishly with the excitment of gifts to be opened. But as luck would have it my mother was actually already up, but she had went outside to get something.
Well I hear her bounding down the stairs, but alas it was too late. To make matters worse I had an exstensive porn stash laid around me. We both looked at each other and she asked
"What's that around you?"
"Nothing"
"What are you doing?"
To which I replied
"Maybe you should go back up stairs and forget this ever happened."
And she did, we didn't speak a word of it although I told my dad. And he thought it was pretty fucking funny.

Fucking pussy. I put icy hot on my junk before and it didn't hurt that much.

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Originally Posted by Rated E

I got caught masturbating in a church, I'm just glad the person who caught me was my mom.

I don't really want to go into the story, I was just stupid.

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LOL Fucking awesome.

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Originally Posted by Brand X

This thread reminds me when I bet a kid at camp to rub Tiger Balm on his junk. Hilarity ensued.

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Tiger Balm! That's awesome. At least his stuff smelled good afterwards.

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Originally Posted by SapphirePhoenix

Tiger Balm! That's awesome. At least his stuff smelled good afterwards.

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Yeah I guess that's better then having them puked on. My friend did that twice to her ex because she has a strong gag reflex. I was like OMG! I can't belive stuff like that really happens.

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Originally Posted by Rated E

I got caught masturbating in a church, I'm just glad the person who caught me was my mom.

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The first time my former girlfriend took it in the butt from me was in the second-floor choir area of a Greek Orthodox church. Neither of us had been there before (she isn't Greek and I'm definitely not Orthodox), but there was a Greek festival going on in the church yard. After we ate our souvlaki and gyros, we went into the church, fiddled around a little, then wound up in the choir area.

I did her in the backside, but didn't finish there - which would have been neater - so I had the bright idea of wiping up the goo with my hand and finding a place to dispose of it. I should have just fed it to her, but she was new and I ended up with cum all inside my right hand. Before I had a chance to wipe it off, someone came up the stairs. We composed ourselves in time to meet this church lady that came to investigate the noise.

I made up some story about always wanting to see the view from the choir seats and started talking architecture.

She said, You should talk to Father Such-and-such. He knows all about the history of this church.

All the while, I had a handful of cum that I decided to hold onto rather than flick away, because I didn't feel like been arrested for sacrilege.

Luckily, they didn't find the priest, because he almost definitely would have tried to shake my hand. And Greek priests can marry, so he might not have liked what he found.

But, sorry, no masturbation stories.

Anal in a greek church, do I need to make the joke?

I have jacked off in almost every conceivable place and never been caught.

I've broken into a house and jerked off before. Beat that bitches.

literally?

It wasn't the reason, but it did happen.

Well that's a story that needs to be told, and told now.

There's a certain darkness in me that I can't really explain.

I broke in because I was testing my limits as a teenager. I jerked off because the idea of violating someone's space along with a criminal act and being "out in the open" made me so horny I couldn't contain myself. And what better way to violate someone's space.

It puts the lotion in the basket

Wow

Am I lying...?

This thread is gold. :tu:

Pineapple, please request your name to be changed to Master of Icy Hot

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Originally Posted by Rem

Well one fine christmas morning when I was 13 I awoke earlier than everyone else. And I did the next logical thing, which was to go down stairs and beat off feverishly with the excitment of gifts to be opened. But as luck would have it my mother was actually already up, but she had went outside to get something.
Well I hear her bounding down the stairs, but alas it was too late. To make matters worse I had an exstensive porn stash laid around me. We both looked at each other and she asked
"What's that around you?"
"Nothing"
"What are you doing?"
To which I replied
"Maybe you should go back up stairs and forget this ever happened."
And she did, we didn't speak a word of it although I told my dad. And he thought it was pretty fucking funny.

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So your mother secretly hates you, and we love you for it. Great story.

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Originally Posted by Survival Kid

Fucking pussy. I put icy hot on my junk before and it didn't hurt that much.

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Did you rub it in for a while before it began to hurt? You honestly cannot have that shit on your dick for more than 15 seconds before it begins to kill your inner child.

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Originally Posted by Nick

I don't need to masturbate, my sex stories speak for themselves.

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C'mon man, you know there is ONE dark secret in your closet of cum. If you can talk to clergy with a load of semen in your hand, there is something you aren't telling us.

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Originally Posted by icarusfall

I have jacked off in almost every conceivable place and never been caught.

I've broken into a house and jerked off before. Beat that bitches.

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lol I've done this too. Ahh that was good times. Seriously, most of Rochester should be walking around with a blacklight. My spunk has been spread far and wide.

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Originally Posted by kingoffighters

Pineapple, please request your name to be changed to Master of Icy Hot

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THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!! FINALLY A GOOD NAME! Nick, you know what you have to do.

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Originally Posted by Biff-chan

I see you were not smited, so consider yourself saved son.

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Rated E is a chick, yo.

I know YOU have at least one terrible, horrible, no good very bad story in this vein...
Tell it to us you homo.

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Originally Posted by Some Stupid Japanese Name

Rated E is a chick, yo.

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Oh shit, her story just went from funny to hot. I see a porn video in here somewhere.

We were trying to keep that under wraps.
E, don't show them anything we haven't shown our parents yet.
We still have money to make here.

Damn you Pineapple, Master of the Icy Hot, damn you straight to hell!

I thought about correcting Biff, but I thought it was kind of funny, that and I wanted to see how long it would take him to figure it out. I should probably edit my wiki to herself and not himself now.

I don't masturbate. I've always been able to find a girl to help alleviate the pressure.

Yeah sure, do you think anybody believes even 50% of your fronting?

I'm not asking you to believe it. It's the truth. I've never had a problem finding a lay and I assume most here don't either but I just found it a waste of energy to get myself off when I can find a girl to do it.

So you were fucking mad bitches at age 12? Or where you a late bloomer?

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Originally Posted by Rated E

I thought about correcting Biff, but I thought it was kind of funny, that and I wanted to see how long it would take him to figure it out.

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Biff still thinks Tommy Tallarico is really Kano, so there's no surprise there.

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

. . . I just found it a waste of energy to get myself off when I can find a girl to do it.

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If you're too lazy to jerk off, what do you do - just lay there and let her do all the work? And how often does that fly? If you have had just a few girls, they must have gotten pretty sick of your using ass after a short while. If you have had many girls . . . well, maybe you can see why they don't stick around.

It takes far less energy to take care of yourself than it does to even deal with a woman in a goddamn conversation, let alone a sex encounter (unless you're paying). Thank God we have the option to go it alone or with a partner, because both have their merits.

I'm not being an ass; I'm just calling you out because I think you're ashamed to admit you have done what just about every other man has done. The only other reasonable explanation is that you don't feel the urge nearly as often as most young men do.

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Originally Posted by Biff-chan

So you were fucking mad bitches at age 12? Or where you a late bloomer?

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I was raised very Catholic. That alone should be enough to explain why I didn't. I've THOUGHT about it, but never went through with it. I tried it later in life (18/19 was the first time I ever did) and didn't like it at all. I felt weird.

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Originally Posted by Nick

If you're too lazy to jerk off, what do you do - just lay there and let her do all the work? And how often does that fly? If you have had just a few girls, they must have gotten pretty sick of your using ass after a short while. If you have had many girls . . . well, maybe you can see why they don't stick around.

It takes far less energy to take care of yourself than it does to even deal with a woman in a goddamn conversation, let alone a sex encounter (unless you're paying). Thank God we have the option to go it alone or with a partner, because both have their merits.

I'm not being an ass; I'm just calling you out because I think you're ashamed to admit you have done what just about every other man has done. The only other reasonable explanation is that you don't feel the urge nearly as often as most young men do.

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I explained it all above. And whenever I have a girlfriend they normally want sex more than I do. When I don't, I always have girls that I just hook up with. They don't want anything else besides fuck time. The only words I have to say are "Hey" and "Let me get the condom" whenever I had to visit one of the girls I was hooking up with.

I will say this, I've had under 10 sexual partners if you don't count blow jobs. I've gotten blowjobs since 15/16 from pretty much any girl I've been interested in, ugly to hot. (Boy, do I have some uggos in my BJ folder) Fact still remains, I don't jerk off. I joke about doing it but truthfully I don't get why I would have to when I always get pussy.

Now I have a girlfriend so I get it on the regular. Before her, I had one girl I was banging and another for just head. That excludes the bar girls that I just hooked up with/got head from in the NY bar scene.

I'm not the only male on TNL who gets women like that, either, and I'm an ugly guy.

What I'm saying is that you act like it's too much bother to masturbate, when it is actually one of the easiest things to do in the world. Even blow-job buddies take some effort to hook up with - even if it's just calling them up and waiting for them to come over. In the meantime, you could take care of yourself, grab a drink, and post on TNL.

You see why what you said is so unbelievable? It's not that we don't think you can get laid, it's that we don't believe you think the alternative isn't more than fine on some days.

I just feel weird is all. Was never comfortable with it when I was younger so I carried that into my adult life.

Stop fronting Razor. You announced during gears once that you were done playing so that you would have time to rub one out.

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Originally Posted by Rated E

I thought about correcting Biff, but I thought it was kind of funny, that and I wanted to see how long it would take him to figure it out. I should probably edit my wiki to herself and not himself now.

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Fixed, sorry about that miss.

I think the strangest thing about masturbation is how it adds up over the years. Say one has spanked it 180 times a year, basically once ever other day, for the past 8 years. That's 1440 times total. According to Wikipedia, the average ejaculation ranges between 1.5 and 5 mL. Assuming a median value; 3 mL x 1440 = 4320 mL. 4.3 L is about 1.1 gallons. That's a lot of spunk.

And don't forget, the more you jack off, the less likely you are to get prostate cancer:

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That is, frequent masturbation appears to reduce the risk of prostate cancer. Frequent ejaculation is more easily obtained and sustained over time with the aid of masturbation and it is these ejaculations which are important, not the mechanism.

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Originally Posted by Sinista

Stop fronting Razor. You announced during gears once that you were done playing so that you would have time to rub one out.

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I joke about doing it

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LIES!!!!!

http://www.ukresistance.co.uk/pics3/segaviz2.jpg

imo

Weird places I've whacked it (most events occurring around the ages of 13-15):

I was stuck at school one day for like an hour because my dad couldn't come pick me up on-time. Since no one else was in the gym, I was able to pass some time in the womens' locker room.

On vacation, with the aid of an ad in a video-game magazine (Gamepro, I think), in the back seat of a rental car, with my family in the front and middle seats.

On vacation, watching some movie from the floor, with a friend sitting on the bed above, oblivious to the under-towel going-ons.

In the deep end at the YMCA on an unusually quiet day, with my eyes on some tanning beauties.

Nick, remind me NOT to shake your hand in LA.

I've whacked in many places and never got caught... twice i whacked at my friends office building when they were working for this website... and once at a bowling alley....

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I was raised very Catholic. That alone should be enough to explain why I didn't. I've THOUGHT about it, but never went through with it. I tried it later in life (18/19 was the first time I ever did) and didn't like it at all. I felt weird.



I explained it all above. And whenever I have a girlfriend they normally want sex more than I do. When I don't, I always have girls that I just hook up with. They don't want anything else besides fuck time. The only words I have to say are "Hey" and "Let me get the condom" whenever I had to visit one of the girls I was hooking up with.

I will say this, I've had under 10 sexual partners if you don't count blow jobs. I've gotten blowjobs since 15/16 from pretty much any girl I've been interested in, ugly to hot. (Boy, do I have some uggos in my BJ folder) Fact still remains, I don't jerk off. I joke about doing it but truthfully I don't get why I would have to when I always get pussy.

Now I have a girlfriend so I get it on the regular. Before her, I had one girl I was banging and another for just head. That excludes the bar girls that I just hooked up with/got head from in the NY bar scene.

I'm not the only male on TNL who gets women like that, either, and I'm an ugly guy.

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He sounds like that guy in the big hit... till he started strengthening his arm he could jack off.

Straight jacking saves you mad cream.

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I'm not the only male on TNL who gets women like that, either, and I'm an ugly guy.

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Ok, Razor gets pussy and doesn't have to whack it. So he is either a chick or not a real human being.
I was at a sleep over party when I was 15 and we were talking about doing the buisness when one person (the most devout Catholic you would EVER meet in your life) tells us all that he has never done the act. We proceeded to call him out for hours, the culmination of which was us punching him in the face and calling him a liar when he wouldn't admit he'd done it even once. I have a feeling this was Razor in a different State.

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Originally Posted by Sinista

Stop fronting Razor. You announced during gears once that you were done playing so that you would have time to rub one out.

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He just didn't wanna play with you anymore, I've been tempted to use the same excuse ;)

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Originally Posted by wEEman33

I like to jerk off.

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Finally someone who's posting on topic. Kinda.

Since no one seems to be posting their worst, here's my #2.

#2. I was 16, it was a Saturday (obviously no school) and no one was home nor would they be home all day. I decided it was my day to find out how many times I could actually jerk off in one day.
So I started around noon, got 3 in before 4pm, and was happy. Then I decided I was going for broke and would do it until I couldn't.
I want to say it was 10:45pm-ish when I was on my 10th attempt. I was about halfway there (like you can really tell at that point) when I realized I was in a lot of pain. So I stopped.
The only pain comparable was that of the Icy Hot. I was halfway through my tenth romp and I realized I was actually bleeding from my penis. As soon as I figured that out I stopped immediately and proceeded to lay in my bed in agony until I fell asleep.
The next day I had to go to church with my family, and I honestly was having trouble walking. My father was drilling me about it as well, which made the whole situation suck worse. My brother knew cuz I had told him, and he just kept laughing at me. That entire day I just wanted my life to end to ease the pain.
Jerking off 9.5 times in a day is NOT a good idea. Please be advised.


Now get back on topic or get out of my thread you whores. :)

Driving on I95.

Okay, some jerking stories from me:

Stupid me #1: In Elementary school, a friend and I found that we could get porn by going to the AOL lesbian chat rooms and posing as females. We would then go through the "A/S/L PICS Send2receive" process to get pics, and then never send back. After we had amassed a decent amount, we would sent pictures from our stockpile to others in order to receive round 2 photos.

Unfortunately, this ground to a halt when my mom found the pictures a few weeks later. I was not yet aware of where exactly the photos were being saved, and I was actually putting them in My Documents. So, you could go to Start/My documents and there they were.

Stupid #2: After that fiasco, I went to standard magazine porn. Having some good porn to spank to made me want to do it multiple times in succession. Being like 12, this was possible on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I had not yet learned the wonders of lotion, so I would frequently come down with "rub-burn" which would make me out of commission for like a week and a half at a time.

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Originally Posted by Pineapple

Jerking off 9.5 times in a day is NOT a good idea. Please be advised.

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The 12 year old me would disagree. The first day I had the house to myself and my own VCR with my buddy's step dad's stolen porno collection I attempted the same thing you did. The magic number for me was 11.5, that was a pretty awful couple of days after that.

Also I've never been caught by someone I didn't want to catch me. And as a teen I was into trying it wherever I could. :sneak:

I've gotten to the point where my dick was just coughing out air.

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I'm not asking you to believe it. It's the truth. I've never had a problem finding a lay and I assume most here don't either but I just found it a waste of energy to get myself off when I can find a girl to do it.

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BULLSHIT ALERT! It is less effort to jerk off when your woman is in the next room.

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Originally Posted by wEEman33

On vacation, with the aid of an ad in a video-game magazine (Gamepro, I think), in the back seat of a rental car, with my family in the front and middle seats.

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There was a picture from a racy European ad for a tennis game in an issue of EGM from around 1992 (I think it had Jungle Strike on the cover) that I beat off to probably 300 times when I was 12. The pic was of this hot chick standing up against a tennis net with her skirt hiked up over her ass.

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Originally Posted by Biff-chan

(we all had a friend who's dad had STACKS of porn didn't we?)

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Totally, my friend John's dad had a porn stash that legends were made of. I wasn't really friends with him at the time and knew about it. He apparently kept it all in his "office" in the attic--A room I still haven't ever gone into. Another friend of miene swiped one of his tapes (lawl) a couple of years ago, and apparently it was really horrible big hair 80s porn. John's dad was, and still is, a very strange man, married to the most laughably nagging, high strung woman I've ever met.

You know, I've never really had a horrible masturbation experience. I've never been caught, I've never accidentally turned my dick inside out, and I've never slipped on my spooj and knocked myself out. So yay for me, I guess.

I used vegetable (or was it corn?) oil once, and it caused my penis skin to crack and peel and kind of hurt..
So yeah, i've never been caught or anything, so that's basically all i got.. :\

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I'm not asking you to believe it. It's the truth. I've never had a problem finding a lay and I assume most here don't either but I just found it a waste of energy to get myself off when I can find a girl to do it.

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The possibility of you not jerking off does not seem as suspect to me as the excuse you give. You see, to my thinking, a consistent sex life should have you jerking off more. I don't want to speak for the other males here, but I know that whenever my sex life is on point, my rubbing them out also increases about tenfold.

Why? Because I'm always thinking about the hot-ass sex I had earlier or will be getting later that day.

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Originally Posted by Vasteel

The possibility of you not jerking off does not seem as suspect to me as the excuse you give. You see, to my thinking, a consistent sex life should have you jerking off more. I don't want to speak for the other males here, but I know that whenever my sex life is on point, my rubbing them out also increases about tenfold.

Why? Because I'm always thinking about the hot-ass sex I had earlier or will be getting later that day.

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I agree with this statement 110%. I've never jacked as much as I do now that I get action on a regular basis.

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Originally Posted by SpoDaddy

There was a picture from a racy European ad for a tennis game in an issue of EGM from around 1992 (I think it had Jungle Strike on the cover) that I beat off to probably 300 times when I was 12. The pic was of this hot chick standing up against a tennis net with her skirt hiked up over her ass.

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Holy shit. I did this exact same thing to this exact same ad. I remember it wasnt even a full ass shot, it was just like one cheek showing.

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Originally Posted by Pineapple

#2. I was 16, it was a Saturday (obviously no school) and no one was home nor would they be home all day. I decided it was my day to find out how many times I could actually jerk off in one day.
So I started around noon, got 3 in before 4pm, and was happy. Then I decided I was going for broke and would do it until I couldn't.
I want to say it was 10:45pm-ish when I was on my 10th attempt. I was about halfway there (like you can really tell at that point) when I realized I was in a lot of pain. So I stopped.
The only pain comparable was that of the Icy Hot. I was halfway through my tenth romp and I realized I was actually bleeding from my penis. As soon as I figured that out I stopped immediately and proceeded to lay in my bed in agony until I fell asleep.
The next day I had to go to church with my family, and I honestly was having trouble walking. My father was drilling me about it as well, which made the whole situation suck worse. My brother knew cuz I had told him, and he just kept laughing at me. That entire day I just wanted my life to end to ease the pain.
Jerking off 9.5 times in a day is NOT a good idea. Please be advised.

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http://www.the-nextlevel.com/board/a...1&d=1196879334

http://www.the-nextlevel.com/board/a...1&d=1196879462

I Can't Believe It's Not Robobo - now with no fat, half the calories, and all the funny of real Robobo

The most exotic place I've ever tossed was in a friend's washroom, so I guess I'm pretty tame. I've never ben caught in the act either, although there have been a few close calls.

The only good story I've got comes from way back in '98, when I was in my first year of university and had just gotten internet access for the first time. I'msure I don't need to explain the ramifications of that to any of you.
I jerked off like a madman for the first week or so, until I started getting this weird condition. For whatever reason (probably the hours of sitting and stroking) my dick would get really swollen, even after I came.
I'm not talking about normal erection swollen, either. It was like a fucking potato! All girth. It was really painful and even though it wasn't erect, it was still sort of hard and my foreskin was so swelled up that I had trouble peeing.
The swelling went away gradually over the next day or so, and I had to take it easy for a while, but I was just glad my dick didn't fall off.

The icy-hot story reminds me of something that happened to me in high school, I was probably 15 or so at the time.

Sometime at night I went about my business, but I didn't have any lube so I used shampoo. I did the deed, washed up, eventually went to bed.

My mom wakes me up in the morning and tells me my Grandma is here, and I need to come see her. I get up and go to the bathroom for the morning pee, and HOLY SHIT!

My penis is swollen, dry and flaky. It was like a reptile's skin, if that makes any sense. It didn't hurt, other than being a little itchy. I was scared out of my mind, I didn't know what to do. Do I tell my folks? Do I go to the doctor? Sit it out and see what happens?

I guess I had some sort of allergic reaction to that shampoo, or it wasn't washed all the way off my most sensitive parts or something. I ended up applying some lotion to the moisturize the dead parts and everything was fine after a couple of days.

Most exotic place i did it was a classroom where i had detention. Don't have any real stories.

My worst masturbation story #1

I have a morning routine. Pre-shower, wake up thing. Believe me, I'm a much nicer person when I have my daily orgasm, or two. Well this particular morning the phone rang mid. Got up, dealt with it, went back to it. Phone rang again. Friend wanted to hang out, I will fucking call you later. Back to it. The phone rang for a third time, wrong number. At that point I was furious. Utterly ruined whatever happy buzz I had going. I ended up masturbating around 4 or 5 times that day, out of spite. I seriously regretted that the next day. Little rubbed raw.

This is weird to talk about with a bunch of fellas.

But honestly, no masturbation is that bad. Except really drunk masturbation. While camping. That was just a wtf happened moment. And I'm fairly sure that is the weirdest place I've done that.

And now I'm actually going to post this. :/ And let me just say that I wrote way more detailed things that what is posted, but I deleted a fair amount. Some things are just tmi.

YEAH TELL US MORE HOLY SHIT

WOO WOO

Quote:

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Originally Posted by M

My worst masturbation story #1

I have a morning routine. Pre-shower, wake up thing. Believe me, I'm a much nicer person when I have my daily orgasm, or two. Well this particular morning the phone rang mid. Got up, dealt with it, went back to it. Phone rang again. Friend wanted to hang out, I will fucking call you later. Back to it. The phone rang for a third time, wrong number. At that point I was furious. Utterly ruined whatever happy buzz I had going. I ended up masturbating around 4 or 5 times that day, out of spite. I seriously regretted that the next day. Little rubbed raw.

This is weird to talk about with a bunch of fellas.

But honestly, no masturbation is that bad. Except really drunk masturbation. While camping. That was just a wtf happened moment. And I'm fairly sure that is the weirdest place I've done that.

And now I'm actually going to post this. :/ And let me just say that I wrote way more detailed things that what is posted, but I deleted a fair amount. Some things are just tmi.

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You can never type enough. Please roger us moore.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Timber

The magic number for me was 11.5, that was a pretty awful couple of days after that.

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Jesus man, I can't even picture that many times now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by icarusfall

I've gotten to the point where my dick was just coughing out air.

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LOL!!!! perfect.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by M

My worst masturbation story #1

I have a morning routine. Pre-shower, wake up thing. Believe me, I'm a much nicer person when I have my daily orgasm, or two. Well this particular morning the phone rang mid. Got up, dealt with it, went back to it. Phone rang again. Friend wanted to hang out, I will fucking call you later. Back to it. The phone rang for a third time, wrong number. At that point I was furious. Utterly ruined whatever happy buzz I had going. I ended up masturbating around 4 or 5 times that day, out of spite. I seriously regretted that the next day. Little rubbed raw.

This is weird to talk about with a bunch of fellas.

But honestly, no masturbation is that bad. Except really drunk masturbation. While camping. That was just a wtf happened moment. And I'm fairly sure that is the weirdest place I've done that.

And now I'm actually going to post this. :/ And let me just say that I wrote way more detailed things that what is posted, but I deleted a fair amount. Some things are just tmi.

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Very nice M, the honesty is appreciated. At least you posted something, now you and Rated E are the two coolest girls on the board. :)


#3. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but the comment about not slipping on spooge reminded me. For me, this one is actually a bit worse than the Icy Hot.
I was just out of high school and not yet in college and only working part time so I had a lot of time on my hands (ahem). It was late one night, around 2am, and everyone in my family was already way past asleep. I had been drinking since about 11 and was definetly drunk, pretty tired, but also quite horny. So I come down to the computer and start looking through my favorite porn site (to this day, www.book-mark.net/mark.html is a great site for most types of porn, free galeries.)
When I go through that site, I tend to look at every single gallery for that day before I decide which one will be my finisher. So I had been masturbating for about an hour and twenty minutes now. I was sitting in my chair at the computer and had not moved my legs since I began, they were just resting in a wide open stance kind of propping myself up.
As I'm very tired, I start drifting in and out of consiousness while I'm whacking it, so I may be staring at some tits and then bolt back to reality to realize I was starting to doze off.
Well the time comes to finish up, so I push the chair out and go to stand up. This was not a good idea. As I stood up fully, my left knee buckled like my kneecap had been removed (it was basically numb from the position it was in for well over an hour), and I came CRASHING to the floor, knocking my chin quite hard on the computer desk on the way down, and landing square on my missing knee. I nearly passed out, the pain was terrible. But honestly I was more worried about the fact that I had just made a sound loud enough to wake everyone up and had actually shaken the house during my fall. I really didn't need my family coming down to find me pants down and half unconscious on the floor with porn still viewable on the computer.
So that sucked, and for the next week it was quite painful/hard to walk. I actually used a cane the first day after, moving was just a bad idea.

I just came in here to pipe in...

Razor Ramon is either full of shit, or he is so homophobic, he can't touch a dick, even if it's his own.

I'd like to applaud the girls for their contributions, E's story was sweet, innocent, but oh so dirty. You can only imagine what she's grown up to be...

Myself, I've never got caught masturbating, I'm like a ninja! ...unless you count the time on the school bus. But it was a dare so it doesn't count.

This thread reminded me of the time I was sleeping over my best friend's house and she asked me how to masturbate. I had kind of figured she didn't do it much, but I was surprised that she had never touched herself down there, and was actually asking for instructions. She didn't understand "why everyone did it, and what the big deal was."

So I gave her some pointers but I doubt she ever did anything with them. It's funny and weird thinking about how we were laying in the same bed at night and talking about this. It soooo seems like a set-up to some lesbian porno.

Edit: we were both 18 at the time btw.

Are you hot? It matters.

Silly Icarus, there are only two hot people on the board. Aurora and Shidoshi

Don't harass the females.

It's actually an important question.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I'm not asking you to believe it. It's the truth. I've never had a problem finding a lay and I assume most here don't either but I just found it a waste of energy to get myself off when I can find a girl to do it.

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the north must be filled with pedophile whores.

I wouldn't mind posting a picture oneday. But I've never used the word hot as a way to describe myself. I still look pretty young.

She's very cute. I think more "attitude plus looks" when I think "hot," so I'd say "hottie in training." She just needs to be unleashed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nick

Don't harass the females.

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I'm just helping the kid out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mezz

Holy shit. I did this exact same thing to this exact same ad. I remember it wasnt even a full ass shot, it was just like one cheek showing.

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That was the perfect spank pic because I didn't even have to hide the magazine.

Buttcheeks made a funny!

Rep +1

When will you be done trolling again?

What do you mean? Indeed he did, and for this I was giving him a complement in all seriousness.

I think he's being a bit sassy there.
Ban time imo.
edit: by the way Biff, did you ever fulfill your end of our bet?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Some Stupid Japanese Name

I think he's being a bit sassy there.
Ban time imo.
edit: by the way Biff, did you ever fulfill your end of our bet?

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I donated 5k to the greater cleveland shelter for the homeless last week. I would have put your name on it too, but getting a shout out in the paper of

Donations: $5,000

P. Michael Bailey and Some Stupid Japanese name, wouldn't make either of us look good.

What bet?

fuck the homeless, though I'm sure many TNLer's are destined to become such.
The deal was that you were supposed to by a gift for a TNLer in my name.

Oh then Yes, I got Gozen and am working with someone to get a gift for someone else, but it's a secret.

One more semi-related story:

Back in middle school, a friend of mine went around the neighborhood one night and plastered pictures of granny porn on some of the neighbors' front doors. The plan backfired though when the neighbors called his parents and told them what had happened. When you're one of two kids on the block, it kind of narrows down the suspect list. :lol: