Klosterman Quiz

Pulled out of Klostermans "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs".According to him, they are, ' the 23 Questions I ask everybody I meet in order to decide if I can really love them'. I thought they were kind of interesting, funny, a bit odd and I asked some guys at work a few of them while sitting in the shop, and after a few odd looks, they gave some pretty good answers.Figured I'd throw them up here to see how some of you answered them. I dont think there is a right or wrong answer. I guess someone would have to ask Chuck Klosterman about that though. I laughed at pretty much all of these when I read them, so Im not sure if these are meant to be answered seriously but, its kinda fun to try.
Ill put the others up later as Im getting a bit sick of typing. I posted this shit up on myspace so you TNL'ers there may already have seen them.

Repost your answers here or just throw another bulletin up if you want - whatever:


1.Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.Let us assume he can do five simple tricks - he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.These are his only tricks and he cant learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic.Its not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space.He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. {{<< Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?}}>>

Pretty easy question for me . I choose, Yes. Einstein's gift of intelligence is a pretty extraordinary thing but that kind of intelligence can be learned and compounded on through a lot of hard work. This rudimentary magician has a skill no one currently, hard work or otherwise would know how to accomplish. A skill that would revolutionize and upturn science books, travel technlogy, etc.

2. Let us assume a fully grown,completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright,but competely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.{{<< Would you attempt to do this?>>}}

Innocent animal versus a fallible human beings' freedom? Id probably choose not to kill the animal. Unless someone I knew was a prisoner, then this would be a tougher question, but its not. That is a lot of prisoners though, but who's to say they wouldnt be recaptured right after? And Id have ruined a good pair of boots....

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table.In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull.You have to select one of these items for your home.If you select the turtle, you cant give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; If either of those parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state.If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semiprominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.{{Which option do you select?>>}}

I 've heard that turtles can give a person Salmonella poisoning so Id choose Hitlers skull. A random act of God could kill a turtle pretty easily too, and leave me $1000 poorer. Leaving a skull in the living room is pretty easy. Even Hitler's. Having to live with Hitler's nazi ghost for two years would suck too though...

4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and most notably, a vague sense of awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football.The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes that the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays).Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. {{<<You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?>>}}

My first instinctive answer to this was along the lines of "Hell Yeah, that'd be fun to watch!", but one of my insightful coworker's brought up the idea of animal equality, and how this would open a "Pandora's Box" of animal rights arguments. If this gorilla can communicate and play football, what else could it do? What else were other animals capable of with the right genetic touch? That cow, I ate for dinner tonight? What if he likes to play chess, wanted to be alive long enough to go see the new Batman movie,and didnt want to be eaten? What if my neighbor's dog sued its owner for placing too tight of a collar on it?
But, Id still say yeah, let the gorilla play. It'd be too awesome of an oppurtunity to let pass. Pandora's Box or not.

5. You meet your soul mate. However there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soulmate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench , and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear for the rest of your life sound as if its being performed by Alice in Chains. When you hear Credence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way 'to you') {{ <<Would you swallow the pill>>}}

'A damned if you, do damned if you dont, fifth level of hell question'.You lose both ways :( I would have to take the chivalrous option of basically giving up good music forever and swallowing the pill. BUT, My true soulmate would give some thought to making her loved one give up music versus her losing use of her collarbones for a few months every three years. I'd wait to see her reaction to the question before I made a choice.That and maybe she has a high tolerance to pain and is a fast healer :p

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your own leisure.However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use the device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and yor closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you.And if you dont agree to this, you cant use the dream VCR. {{<<Would you still do this>>}}

NEVER. I'd wait until Sony got the license to build these things or until one of the inventors' disgruntled assistants stole and sold the designs to a less twisted (and less humorous) person/company. Im a good guy, but I have some pretty fucked up dreams that I dont think Id want anyone I know to ever see.50% of them involve me being naked. Naked and singing the national anthem at the World Series, Naked while mowing the lawn, Naked while fixing my hot high school math teacher, Mrs. McIntyre's pencil sharpener.NO THANKS.And those are just the 'naked' dreams.

This is actually pretty entertaining, so I'll answer em.

1. More impressive than Einstein? Nope. Sure it's impressive to do real magic, but compared to someone who made a major impact upon the world at large not nearly as impressive. Maybe if they worth both around at the same time, but Einstein has his history to add to his impressiveness. My answer changes if he has the ability to teach others his skill and others can learn to do those and more.

2. The horse is conscious and standing upright? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure I could kick a standing horse to death in 20 minutes, that's not an easy feat to accomplish IMO. On top of that, I don't think I could handle killing something, larger than an insect in all honesty.

3. Why is this even a question. I'm all over the fucking skull. It doesn't say how you'd have to display it, I'd put all kinds of mocking shit all around it and laugh about it with my friends. And on top of that they're going to give me money to do it.

4. A gorilla playing football? I'm sold. I don't give a fuck about animal rights or whatever bullshit your friend posted. It will entertain the shit out of me so I say hell yeah.

5. Actually a hard one. I really like music, and would have a hell of a time giving up. And while I do love AIC, that would get old over time. But having both collarbones broken is fucking brutal, so I'd have to go with the pill.

6. Oh hell no. My family seeing my fucked up bizarre dreams ain't gonna happen.

Chuck Klosterman rules. His stuff in SPIN is always entertaining.

1. Breaking the laws of physics is more impressive.

2. I wouldn't kill the horse because some political prisoners are dicks.

3. Hitler's skull. Duh.

4. The Gorilla is 700 pounds and would inadvertently kill or maim players left and right. Though entertaining I would say no.

5. If I truly cared about my soul mate I would either let her go if it prevented the collar bone breakings or swallow the pill and poke out my eardrums and never hear again.

6. Not achance.

1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Yes
6. No

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Originally Posted by bbobb

This is actually pretty entertaining, so I'll answer em.

1. More impressive than Einstein? Nope. Sure it's impressive to do real magic, but compared to someone who made a major impact upon the world at large not nearly as impressive. Maybe if they worth both around at the same time, but Einstein has his history to add to his impressiveness. My answer changes if he has the ability to teach others his skill and others can learn to do those and more.

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Really? You and Soundwave both answered 'No'. I thought everyone would answer 'Yes' on the magician being more impressive. Standard laws of physics versus some guy pulling matter from one place to the other?

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Originally Posted by bbobb

2. The horse is conscious and standing upright? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure I could kick a standing horse to death in 20 minutes, that's not an easy feat to accomplish IMO. On top of that, I don't think I could handle killing something, larger than an insect in all honesty.

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haha, yeah and Clydesdales are pretty fucking tough. You'd have to kick the fuck out of one of its legs, then when it went down, focus on the head. And even then who knows if it would be dead or just pissed off.

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Originally Posted by Soundwave

2. I wouldn't kill the horse because some political prisoners are dicks.

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:lol:

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Originally Posted by Soundwave

If I truly cared about my soul mate I would either let her go if it prevented the collar bone breakings

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ahh good answer

Reading it not my strong suit.
I'm just going to answer 'affirmative' to everything and hope for the best.

I don't come here to read.

1.Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.Let us assume he can do five simple tricks - he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.These are his only tricks and he cant learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic.Its not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space.He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. {{<< Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?}}>>

No, he would not. I am going by a few assumptions here, but I think of magic as being innate. Its not like the magician had to do anything to become magical... he was born that way. Einstein, however, had to work hard at all of his theories and equations, so I think working to achieve a goal is much more impressive than just *poof* there it is.

2. Let us assume a fully grown,completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright,but competely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.{{<< Would you attempt to do this?>>}}

Nope. As a horse person, I almost know for a fact that I could not kick a clydesdale to death in 20 minutes. Yeah, hes shackled, and one or two blows to the head with steel-toed boots would due him in, but first you have to get him off his feet. And kicking in a horses knees, esp. a clydsdale, would be extremely difficult. Plus, do I really want all the political prisoners released? Probably not.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table.In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull.You have to select one of these items for your home.If you select the turtle, you cant give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; If either of those parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state.If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semiprominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.{{Which option do you select?>>}}

(Turtles can only give you salmonella if you put them in your mouth, silly.) Anyway, Id take Hitlers skull. Im not supersticious, and I dont believe in ghosts, so I have no problem with having it in my house. I love turtles, but animals do die once in a while for unknown reasons.

4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and most notably, a vague sense of awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football.The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes that the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays).Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. {{<<You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?>>}}

No. It is still an animal, and because of its strength it would be unfair to put it on a football team. Plus, it says it would neve intentionally hurt an opponent, but look at all the football injuries that happen just from human running into each other. Most of those are not intentional, and several are pretty darn bad. The scientists should breed enough of these gorillas for them to have their own teams. I do find it amusing that the Raiders was the team of choice.

5. You meet your soul mate. However there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soulmate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench , and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear for the rest of your life sound as if its being performed by Alice in Chains. When you hear Credence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way 'to you') {{ <<Would you swallow the pill>>}}

Yes. Alice in Chains isnt that bad, but I can see where it would be annoying. Still, "annoying" is better than intense physical pain, and I would rather be annoyed than have my loved one suffer.

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your own leisure.However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use the device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and yor closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you.And if you dont agree to this, you cant use the dream VCR. {{<<Would you still do this>>}}

This is easy. Nope. I dont care much about my dreams anyway. Most of the time they make no sense, so who cares about watching them again?

The correct answer to number 5 is "let it happen the first time, then, since you know exactly when to expect the psycho back, be ready with a shotgun (or, if you prefer, an elaborate deathtrap)."

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Originally Posted by Anne Bonny

No, he would not. I am going by a few assumptions here, but I think of magic as being innate. Its not like the magician had to do anything to become magical... he was born that way. Einstein, however, had to work hard at all of his theories and equations, so I think working to achieve a goal is much more impressive than just *poof* there it is.

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Geez, I thought everyone would answer towards the magician being more important but maybe Im the odd man out here. Einsteins hard work is impressive, but whats to say he wasnt "blessed/born" with a mathematically sound and intelligent mind the same way the maigician was "blessed/born" with his magic? And who knows how the magic is performed. Maybe it requires study and preparation ? :)

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Originally Posted by Anne Bonny

(Turtles can only give you salmonella if you put them in your mouth, silly.)

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haha, well I was always told that their shells give off a whitish powdery substance that can give a human salmonella if you touch him or let him walk around the room and rub against stuff (but I guess you could just wash your hands after touching the little guy, obviously).But, I had one when I was real young and my family made me get rid of him after I got sick.Kids dont always wash their hands before they touch stuff.

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Originally Posted by Anne Bonny

The scientists should breed enough of these gorillas for them to have their own teams.

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haha, I didnt think about that either. That would probably make more sense.

1. No, the ability to learn and adapt is impressive. Dinosaurs were impressive, but they seem to be missing for some reason...

2. No, I value the animal's life more than most humans'.

3. Turtle. That can't be Hitler's skull because, as reported before, he lives in my basement with Elvis and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

4. Yes. I believe in free markets, and the Raiders are a perfect fit.

5. No. I have one too many soul mates already.

6. No. I rarely remember my dreams, and I am probably better off.

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Originally Posted by Jetman

Geez, I thought everyone would answer towards the magician being more important but maybe Im the odd man out here. Einsteins hard work is impressive, but whats to say he wasnt "blessed/born" with a mathematically sound and intelligent mind the same way the maigician was "blessed/born" with his magic? And who knows how the magic is performed. Maybe it requires study and preparation ? :)

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Could be... could be. But Im sure even if Einstein was born with more talent than the rest of us, he still had a lot of things to figure out. But, perhaps the magician would have to figure out how to control his powers too, so maybe thats why he can only do 5 tricks, or whatever it was.

These questions are interesting. :)

I find the questions themselves much more interesting than the answers people can give. I look forward to the rest of them.

Also, I'm curious what Klosterman's ideal answers are to these if he sees them as deciding factors on whether or not he can love someone.

1. Einstein is more impressive, and NOT b/c he "worked for it" or some crap. Although it's cool that magic exists, we've no indication this guy can replicate the tricks using anything else (like, instead of pulling a rabbit out of a hat, making a train teleport from Seattle to Portland) AND we don't know that he can teach anyone how to do this stuff. It's not like he's Gandalf or something and can pass on his knowledge.

Einstein's discoveries will eventually allow us to travel through space (and possibly time). And as we all know, Space-time continuum beats everything.

2. No kicking the Clydesdale to death in 20 minutes. First of all, practicality. Regardless of what Anne says, beating anything to death (let alone a 500-pound horse) is a tough task. Unless you're fucking Ronaldinho, your leg is going to give out after 10-12 all-out kicks and you're going to be giving the horse little love taps. Secondly, as a confirmed Kantian, I believe in the Categorical Imperative, and DO NOT think the ends justify the means. It's wrong to beat an animal to death, ergo no beating animals to death.

3. I definitely take the turtle. I'd have a hard time looking at Hitler's skull, let alone explaining its presence to my friends. Although, I assume I could sell his skull at the end of the two years and make a tidy sum. Nah, turtle for me.

4. No gorilla in the NFL. I'm worried about the aforementioned Pandora's Box re: animal rights. I would LOVE to see this (in a car-crash sort of way) but after the first game where Gorilla Zod squishes Eli's head like a grape, I'd feel incredibly guilty. Now, you change it and the Gorilla plays for the Dolphins and faces Tom Brady twice a year...

5. Yes, I will take the pill. I couldn't live with seeing someone I care about be put in such pain when I know I could stop it. Yeah, I'd be without the joy of music (remember, that this is ALL music, including movies and videogames) but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Although, if EVERY time music were played it sounded like AiC, you might end up crazy after a few years of this. Commercials, radio, TV, movies, games...you might succumb.

6. Absolutely not. How do you explain all the anonymous women? And what's to be gained here? Being able to replay dreams = overrated.

Great thread, btw. Rep inbound.

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Originally Posted by Compass

I find the questions themselves much more interesting than the answers people can give. I look forward to the rest of them.

Also, I'm curious what Klosterman's ideal answers are to these if he sees them as deciding factors on whether or not he can love someone.

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Yeah, I was too. He never mentions what qualities, of a person would be highlighted based on their answers. I mean some of them you can like with Hitlers skull (is a person superstitious,jewish, easily offended), the Clydesdale/Gorilla one (animal rights, do you like shitty football teams, are a sports person). The Einstein one Im not sure about. Im still 'what the fucking' at a lot of you guys' answers to that one, but maybe you have serious scientific research based careers, I dont know.

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Originally Posted by The_Meach

1. Einstein is more impressive, and NOT b/c he "worked for it" or some crap. Although it's cool that magic exists, we've no indication this guy can replicate the tricks using anything else (like, instead of pulling a rabbit out of a hat, making a train teleport from Seattle to Portland) AND we don't know that he can teach anyone how to do this stuff. It's not like he's Gandalf or something and can pass on his knowledge.

Einstein's discoveries will eventually allow us to travel through space (and possibly time). And as we all know, Space-time continuum beats everything.

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See, I always assumed based on the question that like Einsteins work practical applications could be gleaned from this guys' magic. A lot of study would come out of a discovery like that. Another good question would be if Einstein would be impressed by a magical discovery of that magnitude.

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Originally Posted by The_Meach

2. No kicking the Clydesdale to death in 20 minutes. First of all, practicality. Regardless of what Anne says, beating anything to death (let alone a 500-pound horse) is a tough task. Unless you're fucking Ronaldinho, your leg is going to give out after 10-12 all-out kicks and you're going to be giving the horse little love taps.

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:lol: too true. Im not a horse expert but those things do look big and powerful. I think the 20 minute time limit would be close.

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Originally Posted by The_Meach

3. I definitely take the turtle. I'd have a hard time looking at Hitler's skull, let alone explaining its presence to my friends. Although, I assume I could sell his skull at the end of the two years and make a tidy sum. Nah, turtle for me.

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E-BAY' ing the skull would be a definite for me after the two year mark imo

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Originally Posted by The_Meach

I would LOVE to see this (in a car-crash sort of way) but after the first game where Gorilla Zod squishes Eli's head like a grape, I'd feel incredibly guilty. Now, you change it and the Gorilla plays for the Dolphins and faces Tom Brady twice a year...

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:lol:

As for the underlying/hidden keys to these questions that Klosterman may/may not be looking for, some, as Jetman says, are easy. I don't see the Hitler one as anything about superstition/offensiveness as much as I do about greed. How much does money govern your thinking?

The Einstein one is whether you're right/left brain (are you an abstract/concrete person).

Just my .02

lol @ #5

If you listen to any mainstream rock stations on the radio, you already swallowed the pill.

Klosterman wrote an awesome book about the music biz called Killing Yourself to Live

Read it.

Just to clarify my answer I mean the magician is more impressive by breaking the laws of physics. If he can pull infinite numbers of rabbits out of hats he can feed the world.

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Originally Posted by The_Meach

As for the underlying/hidden keys to these questions that Klosterman may/may not be looking for, some, as Jetman says, are easy. I don't see the Hitler one as anything about superstition/offensiveness as much as I do about greed. How much does money govern your thinking?

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Oh hell no, the money's a bonus, but I'd take the skull even without the money. I'd fucking love having hitler's skull to mock and display in a mocking manner in my home.

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Display of the skull must be apolitical.

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Ah missed that.

I'd still go with the skull... it entertains me.

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Originally Posted by The_Meach

As for the underlying/hidden keys to these questions that Klosterman may/may not be looking for, some, as Jetman says, are easy. I don't see the Hitler one as anything about superstition/offensiveness as much as I do about greed. How much does money govern your thinking?

The Einstein one is whether you're right/left brain (are you an abstract/concrete person).

Just my .02

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Hmm, yeah good points, man. I didnt think the skull one was as much about greed though. The monetary thing would be a coercian to people who REALLY were superstitious or scared of the thing. My mom and dad arent superstitious but I know for a fact they would take the turtle over the skull just because it was HITLERS's skull. They arent jewish or anything.I just think the fact of having an infamous nazi dictators skull in the house would somehow be "too much" - but I cant find the word that would describe that. Prudish maybe? sensitive?

Ill see if I can type out some of the other questions in a different thread tonight. I did think they were really funny to read, and I enjoyed hearing responses to them at work, and knew Id get some interesting answers out of you guys...

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Originally Posted by Hubbitron

Klosterman wrote an awesome book about the music biz called Killing Yourself to Live

Read it.

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Its sitting on my shelf right now :)

Have you ever read IV or Fargo rock City? I havent read those two yet...

No but I can't think of a good reason not to.

off topic - did you ever work on any nuclear carriers? Harry S. Truman?

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Originally Posted by Hubbitron

off topic - did you ever work on any nuclear carriers? Harry S. Truman?

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Nope, I was prior Air Force and just worked on Fighters on land based Air Force squadrons :)

Im working on fighters at a Navy base now, but Im working for a civilian contractor hired by the Navy. So Im not military. A lot of my friends give me the "WTF why'd you join the Navy, Jeff!?" lines. I know better, the Navy doesnt treat their people too well. But they pay my company a ton of money, and my company pays me well, so its not too bad.

Did you have family or friends in the Navy? Ive worked with a lot of the active duty guys when I first got here, so if you have people stationed here in Cally, working aircraft, I may know them...

Almost my entire family went through the Naval Academy (even my best childhood friend). I have a couple friends in Cali. Know a guy named "Hoot" Stahl aka "Street Cred Fred"? He's huge.

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Originally Posted by Hubbitron

Almost my entire family went through the Naval Academy (even my best childhood friend). I have a couple friends in Cali. Know a guy named "Hoot" Stahl aka "Street Cred Fred"? He's huge.

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Oh, really? The academy is no joke. Especially the Naval one. You must have some tough family members.
The name Stahl doesnt sound familiar.Do you know if he works aircraft? The active duty Navy guys all wear their name on their uniform of course, so Ill keep an eye out.

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Originally Posted by Hubbitron

Almost my entire family went through the Naval Academy (even my best childhood friend). I have a couple friends in Cali. Know a guy named "Hoot" Stahl aka "Street Cred Fred"? He's huge.

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My dad was a teacher there, after serving some number of years. I don't know him, but he probably beat your family members up for fun. Because I know damn well my malicious side didn't come from my mother.

I would take hitler's skull, leave my soul mate no question (music > women), and you could kill a horse by stomping, not kicking, assuming its head was near the ground. I would do nothing during the horse thing, I am not Machiavellian enough to deal with that.

1. No. Einstein was a self-made man, not some heeb who was born with some magical skills.

2. Not under any circumstance.

3. Hitler's skull. Right above the fireplace in the room I use to entertain guests.

4. No.

5. This question is dumb. I would leave my soulmate, which would void the whole thing.

6. No.

1. The magician. Ultimately, Einstein was just trying to get laid. He was actually pretty lazy and most of his best work was done while trying to get the attention of a woman in the same classes as him. Magic > trying to get laid.

2. How many of these political prisoners are hot women that want to sex me or want to give me moneyz?

3. Skull. I can use it to pick up hot goth chicks and hellsing fans.

4. I don’t care.

5. This is actually pretty hard. Music is kind of my thing. But sure, if she does ATM and wears boy shorts around the house all the time.

6. FUCK NO

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Originally Posted by buttcheeks

1. The magician. Ultimately, Einstein was just trying to get laid. He was actually pretty lazy and most of his best work was done while trying to get the attention of a woman in the same classes as him. Magic > trying to get laid.

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Way to come up with the lamest reasoning possible.

Repost your answers here or just throw another bulletin up if you want - whatever:

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1.Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.Let us assume he can do five simple tricks - he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.These are his only tricks and he cant learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic.Its not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space.He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. {{<< Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?}}>>

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Yes he would. This is really a pathetic question. Einstein's work, overrated at it's core and soon to be proven wrong, can be recreated by any math nerd that has a degree from M.I.T. Breaking the laws of science and producing a real rabbit from thin air would be studied for years and have the potential impact to change society.

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2. Let us assume a fully grown,completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright,but competely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.{{<< Would you attempt to do this?>>}}

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The horse lives, I can't shoulder the load of every political prisoner on Earth. 80% or more are there for a reason.

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3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table.In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull.You have to select one of these items for your home.If you select the turtle, you cant give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; If either of those parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state.If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semiprominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.{{Which option do you select?>>}}

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I would display hitlers skull in my living room window. It would be a cool thing to own, asshole or not.

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4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and most notably, a vague sense of awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football.The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes that the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays).Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. {{<<You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?>>}}

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No way in hell that ape gets in the NFL. 1) He's uninsurable 2) Who will manage his money 3) Gorillas are about 40 times stronger than a human, he would rip arms off 4)It's ethically wrong

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5. You meet your soul mate. However there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soulmate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench , and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear for the rest of your life sound as if its being performed by Alice in Chains. When you hear Credence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way 'to you') {{ <<Would you swallow the pill>>}}

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I'd find a somewhat less compatible soulmate.

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6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your own leisure.However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use the device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and yor closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you.And if you dont agree to this, you cant use the dream VCR. {{<<Would you still do this>>}}

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Sure, I'd go for it. It's only your dreams anyway, not your active waking thoughts which would be much more dangerous.


By the way, if I met this guy I'd kick him in the balls. He thinks he's super smart and really he's ADD and annoying.

I liked alice in chains.

1.Biff pretty much nailed this one. I'll add that I find the way society applauds his overrated, morally dubious work, while at the same time demonizing the one good thing to come out of it disgusting. Fuck Einstein.

2. No way. I dislike horses, but I dislike harming defenseless and likely innocent beings more.

3.The skull. I'd even make more loot by charging people to come and see it.

4. I believe that gorillas should be free to pursue whatever profession they like, so yes. Furthermore, I feel like a superstar silverback could go a long way towards stopping wildlife poaching.

However, I'd have to be convinced that this ape really does want to play football and is not being exploited or manipulated against his will. Nor do I think those engineers need to be continuing this kind of work. It would only be a matter of time until one of those gorillas gets the urge to grab a human female and throw barrels at her rescuers, or turns out like Grodd.

5. Music. No contest.

6. Not a chance. One of my biggest fears is someone being able to read my mind and know the secret perversions that reside therein.

1. Einstein IS magic. Those Japanese didn't just disappear by themselves.

2. The horse lives.

3. Are funny wigs political?

4. Grape Ape!

5. Who is that "someone", exactly? Would it be a strike or more of a twisting kind of thing? If twist, take the pill.

6. Sounds great! Entertaining for all involved.

1.Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.Let us assume he can do five simple tricks - he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.These are his only tricks and he cant learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic.Its not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space.He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. {{<< Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?}}>>

I'm gonna have to say no. Now, if the magician knew the physics behind these tricks, that may be different. Just being able to do them isn't enough for him to be more impressive than Einstein.

2. Let us assume a fully grown,completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright,but competely immobile. And let us assume that for some reason every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.{{<< Would you attempt to do this?>>}}

Personally, I could never do this. One, I don't think I'm strong enough to do it in 20 minutes. Two, I couldn't bring myself to kill it. I'm not saying the horse's life is more important or anything, I just couldn't do it.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table.In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull.You have to select one of these items for your home.If you select the turtle, you cant give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; If either of those parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state.If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semiprominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.{{Which option do you select?>>}}

This one was too easy. Turtle. I already have 3 and they're really hardy. You wouldn't have to worry about keeping it alive for 2 years, they'll probably outlive you. As long as you feed it and clean it every once in a while, you're good. And btw, I've never gotten salmonella :)

4. Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and most notably, a vague sense of awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football.The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes that the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays).Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent. {{<<You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?>>}}

I wouldn't really have a problem with it (for it's entertainment value), but why the Raiders?!? This was my reasoning for saying no.

5. You meet your soul mate. However there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soulmate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench , and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear for the rest of your life sound as if its being performed by Alice in Chains. When you hear Credence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains.If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way 'to you') {{ <<Would you swallow the pill>>}}

Man, this one made me feel like shit. Let me start with my answer, yes I would swallow the pill. I knew that was my answer right away, but music is such a huge part of my life, it would be like someone close to me dying. Ultimately though, I would do it to keep my soulmate from going through that pain every 3 years. What would happen if my soulmate was willing to endure the pain to let me continue to hear music as it really sounds? Conundrum.

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evenings worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your own leisure.However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use the device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and yor closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you.And if you dont agree to this, you cant use the dream VCR. {{<<Would you still do this>>}}

That's a big hell no! My mind is in the gutter most of the day, there is no way I'd let people see it when I'm dreaming. NO WAY!

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Originally Posted by Samba

That's a big hell no! My mind is in the gutter most of the day, there is no way I'd let people see it when I'm dreaming. NO WAY

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Pics pls.