I'm thinking of submitting this short story for publication. The submission deadline is July 1 (Canada Day).
I'm looking for opinions, suggestions, or whatever. Is it shite?
(I'll remove this in a day or two.)
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I'm thinking of submitting this short story for publication. The submission deadline is July 1 (Canada Day).
I'm looking for opinions, suggestions, or whatever. Is it shite?
(I'll remove this in a day or two.)
I went through it with some suggestions (see attached).
The first half was an overly descriptive, flowery, awkward mess, but I think my suggestions help a ton.
The second half (back at the apartment) didn't have this problem.
Is this based on that irl chick that plagiarized huge passages of her first book?(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaavya_Viswanathan)
Hm. As far as a story goes, I don't really understand why this guy is such a cocky douche. Did I miss something? What paper does he write for? I thought it was a University paper. I don't know, maybe those guys think they're hot shit or something...
I think the ending needs to be rewritten. Not changed, just rewritten so it's more clear. I wasn't sure if his roomy was just doing a story on her too, or if he'd stolen some stuff from him (which wouldn't make sense since the interview just happened) or if he was dating her or what. If it's meant to be a little twist ending, it certainly needs more twist.
Overall, it's not horrible, but I'm not sure there's much story there. Your writing kind of reminds me of Haruki Murakami, but I think you need to delve deeper into psychology and less into fashion/appearance descriptions.
The attached said 'read only' so tell me if my highlights didn't come out. Oh, in case my comments are confusing it goes like this: yellow = problem, following red = possible solution.
Thank you.
I've incorporated your suggestions. Additions have been highlighted.
One thing confused me though:
She floats [yellow]in[/yellow] [red](remove)[/red] my general direction.
Are you suggesting I get rid of "in" to make it "She floats my general direction?"
Anyway, yeah, it is based on Kaavya. You're the only person who got it.
NB: Journalism students are notoriously cocky, regardless of whether they have the skills to back it up. J-school is a hotbed for drama.
Yep. Either way though I guess.Quote:
Originally Posted by Brisco Bold
So what do you think of the additions?
Everything flows so much better now and the additions do clear things up quite a bit. The ending still isn't quite there, so I'd take some time this week to really concentrate on it. I don't really know what you're going for shock-wise there so I don't really have any advice in that regard.
As for the story itself, I don't find it particularly engaging, partly because it seems to come off as a journalist student's self-indulgence (I have no idea if you're a journalist student or not of course).
I, hm, just going through what I would do if I were to rewrite this... I'd add more conflict to the interview, like he starts off really sweet so she's blind sided by the later questions even though she should have been expecting them, to a point where she doesn't hold back and really airs her grievances at her prior situation and at the reporter for being a dick. He in turn stirs the pot more, and gets perverse pleasure from doing so. She leaves in a huff. Let's face it, he might want to fuck her, but he's obviously willing to forego that fantasy anyway, so why as an author set her up as a delicate flower?
Anyway, that's all I got for now.
Cool. Thanks.
And I hope I haven't disheartened you here. If I thought your story was bad, I wouldn't waste my time. I think you have a really good voice when you write; I find it interesting and compelling. I think this story in particular needs more punch. My criticism is only about making it better.
I'll admit, there are times when I'm super disheartened. You sometimes wonder whether you've plateaued and can't get better. Whether you're the best you'll ever be.
I just to need to find a way to tell a compelling story. I guess the trick is writing more.
It's the punch that always eludes me.
Thanks for the kind words though. Means a lot.
WTF Brisco PM me your story link please, I want to read and constructivize
Just look at the corrected one. It's in my second post.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cowutopia
Usually when this happens it means you're on the verge of a breakthrough. It sucks doing a bunch of crappy work to get to the better stuff, but it's the only way.Quote:
Originally Posted by Brisco Bold
Something new.
Edit: I've tweaked it slightly. Here's an updated version.
I'm early into it, but so far it's pretty good.
Only one thing struck me as odd, in the very beginning: why is Evan "swinging" from the ceiling? Unless his mom walked in moments after he completed the act, it would make more sense if he were perfectly still. And early morning is a very odd time to end one's life (feels more like a late day/evening sort of activity to me). Other than that little quibble, so far, so good.
Thanks man! Yeah, committing suicide in the morning is odd, but it does happened. I know that personally.Quote:
Originally Posted by squall_vb