The Joke Thread

one day on a construction site (on the roof of a building) there were three men having lunch on their break. An Italian guy, a Spanish guy and a Polish guy. The Italian guy looks at his lunch and says "Meatball AGAIN!!! damn, if I get meatball tomorrow... I'm jumping off this building". Next, the Spanish guy looks at his lunch and says... "Enchiladas again... man, if I have enchiladas tomorrow... I too, will jump off this building". Lastly, the Polish guy looks at his lunch and says "Ham and Cheese AGAIN!!! Jeez... if I have Ham n Cheese tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building".

So, the next day the same three guys are having their lunch on the site and the Italian guy opens his lunch and say's... "Ahhh... chicken parm, thank the lord!!!", then the Spanish guy opens his lunch and say's... "YES!!! a Taco salad, praise Jesus!!!", and finally, the Polish guy opens his lunch and says... "FUCK!!! Ham and Cheese!!!" and throws himself off the building. At this time the Italian guy (with a confused look on his face) turns to the Spanish guy and says "I don't get it... he makes his own lunch".

Fart.

A jew, a gook, and a nigger walk into a bar.

Bartender says, Get the fuck out!

[/thread]

A black kid says, "Mom, I have the biggest dick in 3rd grade. It's cuz I'm black huh?"

His mother said "Naw nigga. It's cuz u suppose to be in 8th grade".

Milk, milk, lemonade
Around the corner chocolate's made!

Biff.

Hey, how do you know a Frenchman's been in your backyard?

What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go to the store without Robin.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Doc Holliday

Hey, how do you know a Frenchman's been in your backyard?

---

how?

Go rent Stand By Me.

I own it... I'll have to watch it again (or just google it).

Three widows are discussing what should be done with their husbands ashes. The first widow says "I would like them to be spread over the Atlantic, as my Bill loved nothing more then to fish there". The second widow says "please have my Jacobs ashes spread over central park as he loved to spend many days jogging there". The third widow says "you can just give me Johnnies ashes as I plan on sprinkling them into a bowl of chili so he can tear my ass up one last time".

knock knock

who's there?

your mom

your mom who?

Your mom's a whore.

What does a gay horse eat?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY.

What do you get when you stab a three year old with scissors?

an erection

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

the old lady in my trunk

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

Because he is black.

What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?

Three blacks running for the elevator.

Why are aspirins white?

Because they work.

I'll stop with the black jokes now.... hmmmmm limme think.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Netwurked

What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?

Three blacks running for the elevator.

---

my favorite of the bunch.

heard this one years ago when I was a kid...

An American man has to go to China on business and decides, while he is down there, to get himself a prostitute for the evening. As he is doing his thing with the whore, she keeps screaming... "ahhh, ching-chong-way... AHH CHING-CHONG-WAY!!!!" thinking this means "yes!! good job"... he continues with what he is doing and the woman continues to scream. A few weeks later, back in America, the man is playing golf with a Chinese business associate who happens to hit a hole in one. The American man, thinking he learned some new Chinese lingo while on his trip, says "oh, Ching-Chong-Way sir!!!". The Chinese man looks at him and says "what do you mean wrong hole?"

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

DR. DRE!

two hats were hanging around on a hat rack.
the one says to the other
"you go on ahead, I'm gonna stay here."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PaCrappa

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

DR. DRE!

---

That is my favourite so far.

Ever heard of the Faquwi Indians?

They're the ones that climb up the hill and say, Where the faquwi?

Two jews walked into a bar.
they owned it

Abraham Lincoln was a good old man,
He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand.
Said 'excuse me lady, just doing my duty,
So pull down your pants and give me some booty.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

Why do black people keep chickens in their back yards?

To teach their kids how to walk.

Why is interrogating a Mexican like a pool ball?

The harder you hit it the more English you get.

:lol:

What did the lady on the beach say to Micheal Jackson?
get out of my son

How long does it take a black women to take a shit?

9 months.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Ok one more and I gotta get back to work...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not
haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You done already told her twice!

A man was walking along the beach when he came upon a woman with no arms or legs, she was sobbing uncontrollably.
He asked her what was wrong.
"I'm thirty years old, and in all my life I've never been kissed."
So the guy scoops her up into his arms, and lands a passionate kiss upon her.
He sets her down, and she starts wailing twice as hard and loud as before.
He asked her what is wrong now.
"I'm thirty years old, and in all my life, I've never been fucked."
So the guy scoops her up into his arms, and promptly throws her into the ocean.
"You're fucked now!"

good stuff going on in this thread.

Here's a cute one...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

a baby seal walked into a club.

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.

Man bursts into tears. Says, But, doctor...I am Pagliacci.

The pizza one?

How did the farmer win an award?

He was out standing in his field

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PaCrappa

The pizza one?

---

the rorschach one :)

Why did the gay necrophiliacs go to the morgue?

To suck down a few cold ones.

two cannibals were eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks " Does this taste funny to you?"


two guys walked into a bar, and the thrid one ducked


why did the frog visit the graveyard? because he croaked


how do you confuse an aggie?

put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner
lay out a bunch of axes and tell him to take his pick

A little boy stumbles into his parents bedroom to find his mother fucking a strange man.
Just then his father comes home, and the mother shoves the boy and the man in the closet.

"Sure is dark in here.", the little boy says.
"Yep. Sure is.", says the man.
"I have a baseball.", adds the little boy.
"That's nice, kid.", says the man.
"I'll give it to you for $50.00." the boy said.
"Go to Hell, kid." said the man.

"My Dad owns 3 guns."

"Alright, fine! Here's the 50 bucks"

The next week, the boy walks into his parents room again and finds his mother with the same man.
Just like before, the father's truck pulls up and they are shuffled into the closet again.

"Sure is dark in here.", says the boy.
"Yep.", says the man.
"I have a baseball glove.", the boy said.
"Alright, how much? ya little shit", said the man.

"$100"

The next weekend, the boy's dad asks him if he wants to play some catch. The boy explains that he can't because he sold his ball and mit to a friend.

"For how much?!" says the father.
"$150.", says the boy.
"Boy! You should know better than to hustle your friends! I'm taking you to church right now, so you can repent for your sins!", shouted his father.

So they go to the closest church, and the father throws him in a confessional booth.

"Sure is dark in here.", says the boy.
"Don't start with that shit again.", says the priest.

What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?

Rolaids.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

SLAP!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jason

****ing a strange man.

---

Stop censoring your fucking posts you shit pissing cock sucking mother fucking cunt fart.
tits

good point.

D**k Head.

here's an oldie...

Two vampires walk into a bar, one of them orders a glass of hot water. The other turns to him in confusion and asks "Why did you order water?" Smiling the vampire pulls out a tampon with a fresh stain of blood and places it in the glass stirring it with his finger.

"I was in the mood for tea tonight."

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?

THEY DON'T FUCKING LISTEN!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Type Ryan

What did the five fingers say to the face?

Where's the beach?

---

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death.

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Netwurked

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

---

:lol:

A girl and her mom are walking through the park when they see two people having sex. The girl asks her mom what they were doing and the mom says "baking a cake".

The next day the girl goes to her mom and says "I saw you and daddy baking a cake". The mom asked her how she knew and the girl said "because I licked the icing off the couch".

Nasty. But I would too.

During a ride in a taxi, the customer touches the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch the cab driver flinches, screams, and goes into a full panic, swerving from side to side on the road.

Finally the driver regains control.

"sorry" the cab driver says, "this is my first day on the job... for the past 20 years I have been driving a hearse."

A little boy goes over to his bird cage and his bird is lying on the bottom of the cage on its back with its legs in the air. The boy cries and his dad comes to see why.

The boys says, "What's wrong with my birdie?"

The dad says, "It's dead son"

The boys asks, "Than why are his legs in the air?"

The dad goes, " Uh, because it makes him closer to heaven.

The next day when the father comes home from work his little boy runs over and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy almost died today!"

The dad says, " Really? What do you mean?"

The boys says, "well she was laying on her back with her legs in the air yelling OH GOD I'M COMING! but luckily the neighbor was there to hold her down."

Ok, how about some funny jokes, maybe some that haven't been around since the the 1930's

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Thief Silver

Ok, how about some funny jokes, maybe some that haven't been around since the the 1930's

---

yeah, how bout it... you start, go!

I'm here to be entertained by you slobs and you're failing.

cop out.


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

""Done!" replies the government official.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Thief Silver

Ok, how about some funny jokes, maybe some that haven't been around since the the 1930's

---

So no jokes about your mom then?

ooooh, snap!

I would love for some unused Mom jokes, but those are pretty rare.

I c what u did thar

how do you make a sausage roll?

Push it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Thief Silver

I would love for some unused Mom jokes, but those are pretty rare.

---

Jeez, now you are looking for a miracle.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Doc Holliday

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.

Man bursts into tears. Says, But, doctor...I am Pagliacci.

---

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum... Ah, fuck it, this is stupid.

This was my favorite joke as a child:

Why weren't there any niggers in the Flintstones?

Because they were still apes!

Ooooh, it's funny because I was seven and racist.

What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the mountain?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens

What did Helen Keller's parents do when she misbehaved?

Left the plunger in the toilet

What do you call 30,000 black people jumping out of a plane?

Night

BTW this thread is excellent.

I think my favorite Helen Keller joke is:

Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it HRRRRRRRUUUGNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH

LOL!
Yeah I can't rep you again right now but jesus that works.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Mr-K

I think my favorite Helen Keller joke is:

Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it HRRRRRRRUUUGNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH

---

That is one of the best ones, but it only really works when you say it aloud.

How does Hellen Keller drive?

with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road

What do you call 6 Iraqi women?

a full set of teeth

-------
A dyslexic walks into a bra...

---------
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

----------
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


------

A German women was walking through a park at night when suddenly she was attacked and raped by 10 Polish men.


"Nein! Nein!" she screamed, so one of them got off and left...

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, you got any crackers?"
The bartender says, "No," and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "Hey, you got any crackers?"
The bartender says, "No," and the duck leaves.
The third day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "Hey, you got any crackers?"
The bartender, visibly upset, yells, "Look, you little shit! I told you yesterday and the day before, I don't have any crackers. And if you come in here and ask one more time, I'm going to nail you to the fuckin' wall!"
The following day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "Hey, you got any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No," and the duck asks, "Hey, you got any crackers?"

I like duck jokes.

A man walks into a bar holding a duck under his arm. He sees his wife seated at the bar, walks up to her and yells, "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says "that's a duck." The man replies, "I was talking to the duck."

okay soooo there is a 3 story house, all the white people were on the 3rd floor, mexicans on the 2nd and black people on the 1st, one day there was a fire and all the black people died... whyyyyy?



everyone else was at work.

Why do nerds confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

I don't get it.

u suck at numbers

That could be the best worst joke ever.

if it didn't suck

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bbobb

I don't get it.

---

Base numbers....

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Tell her to find the corners in a round room.



Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad?

Neither has she.



What do you call a pretty black girl?

Lucky.



Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the usa.

10 Commandments of Stress Free Programming

--Thou shalt not worry about bugs.
Bugs in your software are actually special features.

--Thou shalt not fix abort conditions.
Your user has a better chance of winning state lottery than getting the same abort again.

--Thou shalt not handle errors.
Error handing was meant for error prone people, neither you or your users are error prone.

--Thou shalt not restrict users.
Don't do any editing, let the user input anything, anywhere, anytime. That is being very user friendly.

--Thou shalt not optimize.
Your users are very thankful to get the information, they don't worry about speed and efficiency.

--Thou shalt not provide help.
If your users can not figure out themselves how to use your software than they are too dumb to deserve the benefits of your software anyway.

--Thou shalt not document.
Documentation only comes in handy for making future modifications. You made the software perfect the first time, it will never need modifications.

--Thou shalt not hurry.
Only the cute and the mighty should get the program by deadline.

--Thou shalt not revise.
Your interpretation of specs was right, you know the users' requirements better than them.

--Thou shalt not share.
If other programmers needed some of your code, they should have written it themselves.

and you were the guy asking us to be funny. How bout this...

11. Thou Shalt come back with an actual joke.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.
"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

:lol: that's great.


So a kid is out shopping with his mom, the kid is about 6 years old so he's still in the impressionable stage of his life. His mom goes into the changing room to try on some dresses and leaves him out in the waiting area. Boredom soon grabs hold of the kid who sees a mannequin wearing a dress, then curiosity takes hold as he begins to pull up the dress to see what's underneath. His mother comes out of the dressing room and sees his hand reaching up the leg and she yells "Jeffrey no! women have teeth there, you'll lose your hand!". Jeffrey quickly retreats his hand and is visibly frightened. His mother scolds him and warns him never to look up a skirt or put his hand there ever again and they go home.

10 years have passed and Jeffrey's parents are now out of town for the weekend, leaving him alone for the first time. He's been home schooled his entire life but met a girl through a friend and now she's over at his house and making out with him on the couch. After awhile of making out she tells him "you can go a little lower if you want". Jeffrey is not amused with this and boldly states "there's no way in hell I'm going down there, women have teeth there!". The girl is reasonably confused and says "what are you talking about, women don't have teeth in their vagina." Jeffrey's not having it and is convinced that they do and says "yes they do, my mother told me so and my mother would never lie to me." Seeing that she won't be able to convince him otherwise without proof she lifts up her skirt and shows him her vagina and says "see, no teeth." Jeffrey takes a good look and says "yeah well with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised"

That is by far and away the best joke in this thread.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jason

:lol: that's great.

---

Don't quote the punchline, faggot.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, Listen very carefully for.... the.... last.... time, I said..... 'BRING POSSE'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by FirstBlood

Don't quote the punchline, faggot.

---

ooooooops.


A black man, a Jew and a Hindu are traveling together through the desert, and just through blind luck, they come across an inn before night falls. They ask the innkeeper if there's a vacancy.

"Well, we do have one more room open. Unfortunately, there's only enough room for two men. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

So they decide to take the innkeeper up on his offer. The Hindu is the first to speak up.

"I will be the one to sleep in the barn!" he says, and he leaves.

Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door. It's the Hindu.

"There is a cow in the barn, and a cow is holy. I cannot sleep in the barn."

So the Jew steps in. "I will be the one to sleep in the barn!", and he walks out the door.

Two minutes later, there's a knock at the door. It's the Jew.

"There is a pig in the barn, and a pig is not Kosher. I cannot sleep in the barn."

So at last, the black man offers. "I will be the one to sleep in the barn!", and he heads outside.

Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door.

It's the cow and the pig.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by arjue

Why do nerds confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

---

I LOVE THAT JOKE!!!



More nerd jokes...

This guy is driving around and gets lost. So he pulls into a neighborhood and drives around until he sees someone working in their yard.

Car guy- "Hey! Can you tell me where I am?"

Yard guy- *thinks for 90 seconds or so* "You are in your car."

Car guy- "You must be a mathematician!"

Yard guy- "I am! How did you know?"

Car guy- "You took way too long thinking about your answer, and the answer you came up with was totally useless and completely true."

____________________________________________________________________


An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench outside of an empty house. They see two people enter the house. Later they see three people leave.

Engineer- "There must have been an error in our initial measurement of two people entering the house."

Biologist- "No, the two initial people reproduced while in the house."

Mathematician- "If one more person enters the house, there will be zero people in there."

__________________________________________________________________

An engineer and a software tester are driving a car down a mountain. The car's breaks fail. Through luck, nerves of steal, and insane driving skills they manage to coast to a safe stop at the bottom of the mountain.

Engineer- "Holy shit that was close! Let me get my toolkit out of the trunk and fix those brakes."

Software tester- "Alright, but first help me drive it back to the top of the mountain to see if we can re-create the problem."

There was a bear in the forest who needed to take a shit.
After doing his business, he frowned at the fact that there was shit on his fur and that he didn't have any toilet paper.
Looking around, he spotted a rabbit hopping by.
The bear asks the rabbit, "Hey, when you take a shit, does the shit stick to your fur?"
The rabbit gives the bear a smug look and replies, "No."
The bear then says, "Oh, good," and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on your face until puberty.

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest when the two came upon a magic lamp.
They both dove for it and managed to grab it at the same time.
Suddenly, a genie appear out of the lamp and said, "Since both of you have freed me from my prison, I will grant each of you three wishes."
The bear shoves the rabbit out of the way and says, "Me first, bitch. Genie, I wish to have a huge penis!"
The genie grants the wish and the bear is endowed with an enormous penis.
The Genie then looks at the rabbit and says, "Okay, what is your first wish?"
The rabbit thinks for a bit and says, "I wish for a really fast motorcycle."
The bear laughs and says, "What a fuckin' moron!"
The genie grants the wish and the rabbit gets his motorcycle.
The bear then says, "Okay, for my second wish, I wish for all other bears in the world to be female."
With the snap of a finger, the genie turned all other bears in the world female.
The genie then looks at the rabbit and the rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet."
The bear laughs again and says, "You idiot. You're just blowing your wishes."
The genie magically makes a motorcycle appear out of thin air.
The bear then makes his third wish, "I wish for all the female bears to be insanely attracted to me."
The genie grants the wish.
The genie then looks at the rabbit and says, "Okay, your last wish."
Before saying anything, the rabbit hops onto the motorcycle, turns on the engine, and puts on the helmet.
As the engine is roaring and he's revving to take off, the rabbit says, "I wish for the bear to be gay."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Some Stupid Japanese Name

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

---

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dirty_jokes_1.asp

I looked at the same page! YOU SUCK! :lol:

Three men stranded on an island. They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie. The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick." So they thought about what they were going to wish for. The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." so the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said "I wish I was in the pub with my mates." So he was gone. The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."

Uh. Okay... um... you hear the one
about the, no fuck that one... uh...
oh! oh! Well... shit. Okay, there's
a white guy. He's walkin' along the
beach and he finds a, a pot, y'know
and ah, he rubs it and this genie
pops out. But this genie, he's a
ni... he's a black guy.
Yeah. And uh, he's pissed off. He
says, "Why you crackers always gotta
find my mother fuckin' pot? And he
tells him he's gonna grant all his
three wishes but he's gonna give all the black guys...
Sorry! Sorry! All the niggers on the
planet get double what he wishes
for. "I'll take a million dollars,"
he says. Genie give it to him and
says every nigger on earth just got
two million.
"I don't care gimme a yacht." Poof there it is.
E-every bl... every nigger just got two yachts. Genie goes...
He says, "What's your third wish?"
And the guys says,
"I-I want you to beat me half to death."


This is from the script, but different than the one in the movie, but I think it's funnier. Y'all should know what movie.

hahahaha, and then he said goony goo goo.


what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

see you next month...