POS Game, FML Are You Serious?

I'll explain this thread as simply as possible: when you play something that is just fucking terrible, old or new, for whatever reason, come here and tell us about it. Maybe it's so terrible it's fun to play it and make fun of it. Maybe you're Geen and you play Sonic games for no fucking logical reason. Maybe you're me and you have Mark Ecko's Getting Up and you're about to throw it in and see what treasures await you.

Shit, maybe you just played FFVII and you're a terrible human being.

Drop that shit here, vent, feel better.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Opaque

Maybe you're me and you have Mark Ecko's Getting Up and you're about to throw it in and see what treasures await you.

---

Was really looking forward to this despite the affiliation with brand whore Ecko. Looked like a great open world tagging game but just couldn't get by the drawn out ass of a tutorial.

Getting Up was hilarious because it wasn't a very good game, promoting this response:

Quote:

---

In an interview in Metro New York,[3] Marc Ecko was outspoken in his response to these critics, describing gamers as "the guys who got wedgies in high school" and "divas" with a "predisposition to have a bug up their ass for anything urban", who dismissed the game as riding on the coat-tails of Grand Theft Auto solely for having a black character on the cover. The reviewers, he says, are "slaves to the code" and not "slaves to the branding, products, or experience" as he would prefer, and they unfairly compare the game to better-received titles, such as Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. He admits that the game was "not as precise as I would have liked to see" , blaming the game's failures on system limitations "that people just can’t understand", and that the title was "as polished as you can make it on a no-hard-drive console like the PS2".

---

Comparisons are unfair if a better game is involved! We had platform limitations even though the better games we're being compared to are on the same platform! Reviewers hated my game because they're judging it as a game and not on how awesome my clothes are!

I have the Xbox version, what's his excuse there?

As soon as this Chargers game ends I'm gonna boot that fucker up. I'm so excited!

Blasto. The game was so hyped in PSM. Got it day one and took it back that day. What a terrible fucking game.

Bomberman Live.

Seriously, how was this game greenlit?

Super Bomberman 2 remains my favorite multiplayer game on SNES. Perhaps even the best one for offline fun with 4/5 people.

Tomb Raider 2, while not a bad game, just never did much for me after TR1.

I never understood the popularity of the Tomb Raider games. They all sucked. Tank controls and bullshit platforming marketed for with giant polygonal tits.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

I never understood the popularity of the Tomb Raider games. They all sucked. Tank controls and bullshit platforming marketed for with giant polygonal tits.

---

TR1 was amazing when it first came out. It wasn't about Lara, but the press was all over the girl power/polygonal tits. The attraction was the level itself, desolate, huge tombs evoke a sense that you were there. The tank control wasn't an issue when it was new, of course, it is almost unplayable now. The first time you fought that dinosaur, it was just crazy and remains to be one of my favorite gaming moments (espeically back when there weren't spoiler videos all over).

It was an issue for me. I played it, but it should have been better.

The controls were basically old Prince of Persia in 3D. The level design is probably still the best the series has ever seen. TR was also one of the first games I remember playing on a dedicated 3D video card once the OpenGL patch hit, and it was AMAAAAAAAAAZING.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

Bomberman Live.

Seriously, how was this game greenlit?

---

Hey guys, guess what game Razor was playing a few days ago?

Somebody go play the Fist of the North Star demo on Xbox live. I dare you.

Your mother.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mzo

The controls were basically old Prince of Persia in 3D.

---

I still have a soft spot for that deliberate control style. I can see why people hate it, but it definitely worked for those games. I liked knowing for a FACT that if I ran to the edge of a platform, then hopped back once, I could run forward, leap off, and land at a precise spot -- the same spot every time. It was mathematical. The recent TRs play like any other action/adventure game. There's no precision and the levels are designed around not needing any.

ugh that game is terrible...we played the PS3 demo

I hate Koei

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Compass

I still have a soft spot for that deliberate control style. I can see why people hate it, but it definitely worked for those games. I liked knowing for a FACT that if I ran to the edge of a platform, then hopped back once, I could run forward, leap off, and land at a precise spot -- the same spot every time. It was mathematical. The recent TRs play like any other action/adventure game. There's no precision and the levels are designed around not needing any.

---

Early Tomb Raider played like a puzzle game, almost.

Geometry Wars on the iPad. Fucking unplayable.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Opaque

I'll explain this thread as simply as possible: when you play something that is just fucking terrible, old or new, for whatever reason, come here and tell us about it. Maybe it's so terrible it's fun to play it and make fun of it. Maybe you're Geen and you play Sonic games for no fucking logical reason. Maybe you're me and you have Mark Ecko's Getting Up and you're about to throw it in and see what treasures await you.

---

I don't if I traded this game back, threw it away, or smashed it with a hammer, but it's gone, and I'm extremely happy. Fucking. Frustrating. Piece of Shit. Game.

I'm gonna type this as I play the game for the first (and I'd assume last) time, lets see how this goes:

Opening a new original Xbox game feels fun. This will likely be the best part.

So it starts off with a video of actual tagging making logos for Ecko, then the collective before cutting to a shot of a real street, that's the most non rendered shit I've seen in a game since, well, ever. Holy shit, the main character talks like INCREDIBLE. What the fuck is the premise of this shit? The intro reads like fight club mixed with some weird future where heavily armed forces have nothing better to do that shoot taggers? Really?

I think all the menu screen starting from the beginning are just filtered shots of real places again. It's very presumptuous of the game to assume I want 10 preset save slots for different play throughs.

Holy shit motion blur.

"I told you about being a graffiti artist, the streets are going to kill you like they killed your father!" "Whatever, yo!"

This looks like a PS1 games. I am not exaggerating, it really looks like a PS1 game.

My first mission is to find a way out of the apartment complex. How can that be a first mission? I guess his grandma never leaves since the only way out of these halls is scaling pipes and hoping over blockades.

I like that I'm supposed to be able to tag anywhere, but unless I'm using a marker to write over some other tag he's like "Nope, not here." Ok, start of next level you can tag anywhere you want.

Some random dude is yelling at his woman right now, it's sweet. I assume he's in an apartment or something, but he sounds like he's inside my head the volume is so fucked up for it.

I really want to beat up this homeless man, but I guess the one brick high piece or rubble between him and me is offering him ultimate protection.

You can't get through this gate without bolt cutters. GOOD NEWS THE BOLT CUTTERS ARE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GATE!

How to use everything in the game: walk up to it. Things the game will never stop telling you: to walk up to things.

Well that was a fun experiment.

Cursed Mountain wasn't a terrible game. In fact, it was a very good game... a very good game with a broken control scheme that made me bail about two-thirds of the way in. A good game with a fatal flaw upsets me more than an outright turd, and Cursed Mountain had a lot of potential.

Touch Detective was another example of this. A genre I love, interesting characters, creative art direction... and unplayable without an FAQ.

I beat Touch Detective 100% without a FAQ. Well, not quite. There was one Bonus Quest at the end I needed help on (and I don't remember the specifics except I felt utterly cheated when I saw the solution), but I thought everything else was within reason.

I started Cursed Mountain but didn't get very far. Seemed okay.

That's odd... I found a lot of Touch Detective to be more illogical than a woman, and I'm usually good at that sort of game. Curious.

Cursed Mountain isn't bad early on. In fact, it's very good early on. The trouble comes late in the game when you absolutely MUST kill off enemies using the motion controls in order to survive. There are some motions, especially with the nunchuck, that the game has a difficult time recognizing. When you keep trying to kill accomplish the same finishing move on one ghoul over and over again while others are eating away at you, it tends to result in lots of game over screens. I'm sure I could have kept at it and finished, but I got to a point where I was just too pissed off to give a shit.

Sam & Max on Wii. What the fuckity fuck went wrong there? You have a great "mouse" in the Wiimote, a system that can handle your low-end graphics...and yet it runs at...2 frames per second? Screen freezes? I bought this damn thing because it was $20 for the whole season, and my 5-year old PC can't run it without the same issues. What slop, they could've at least TRIED to optimize it for the platform they ported it to.

And the best part? The sales will suck, Telltale will bitch about real games, or 3rd party games, not selling on Wii and their empty headed sycophant fanboys and coretards will lap that shit up.

PS - Fuck Hoshigami with a rusty knife.

Hoshigami was pure horseshit.

Shinobi.

MOVE THE CAMERA FARTHER BACK. THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE IN MY ASSHOLE THE ENTIRE GAME SO I CANNOT SEE MY SURROUNDINGS. CAPS LOCK.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hero

And the best part? The sales will suck, Telltale will bitch about real games, or 3rd party games, not selling on Wii and their empty headed sycophant fanboys and coretards will lap that shit up.

---

Rrrrrreally now, you're going to paint fans of a company that makes point & click adventure games as primal mass-market fistbumping archetypes?

Also Telltale released Strong Bad & Tales of Monkey Island on Wii, and those ran fine as far as I know. Still didn't sell for shit. So.

There is a part of me that does want to go back and get all the achievements in Sonic 2006. That same part of me also wants to drag a sharp object across my arms so I can feel again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bacon McShig

Rrrrrreally now, you're going to paint fans of a company that makes point & click adventure games as primal mass-market fistbumping archetypes?

Also Telltale released Strong Bad & Tales of Monkey Island on Wii, and those ran fine as far as I know. Still didn't sell for shit. So.

---

This is also true, but at least you're looking at the pragmatic reality (adventure games don't sell well period). And yeah, if Telltale told their fans 'Wii sucks for 3rd party' I think they'd buy it. Just like anyone looking for the scapegoat would cling onto Telltale's claim as definitive proof along with every other whiner dev/pub that can't hack it on the platform that gets quoted.

Not that I'm saying 'lololol that dev sucks' but lordy...pick your platforms well, and when you do, deliver it. Not this half-assed abortion Sam & Max is.

What does FML stand for?

Fuck my life.

As in you're playing a game and it gets so bad you start yelling at the screen "Piece of shit game, fuck my life are you serious?"

I was enjoying Nier up until they forced me to start fishing. Does anyone ever play an adventure/RPG and say, "Man, there is just too much excitement happening in this game! I really wish I had some aggravating, hard to control fishing to even things out!"
This fishing bullshit may have me shelving this soon, which is a shame.

I don't like it either. The only fishing mini-game I remember enjoying was the one in Suikoden 2.

The fishing is optional. It seems that everyone hating Nier plays the unnecessary sidequests.

I stopped playing Twilight Princess because after I spent all that time trying to fish up something in the fucking tutorial I was just done.

I didn't trust the game anymore.

Unless I overlooked a merchant selling it, I think I have to fish in order to catch a shaman fish to help the main character's daughter. I have no problem skipping side quests if they're terrible to play. ^^

After failing too many times, Nier finally poked fun at me and gave me a fish. Thank god. It also looks like I was at the wrong beach for most of my attempts. WTF.

Fishing is a bane to all games. Who the fuck decided it was a good idea to fish? Did Roland Martin secretly use his pull to get it into video games? In Breath of Fire 3 the fishing is the game's only black eye. You need to fish in order to progress the story AND to get some super rare shit. Zelda has you fishing for some silly shit, too. If you're going to force my hand can you at least give me the option to put my dick in the water?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

Shinobi.

MOVE THE CAMERA FARTHER BACK. THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE IN MY ASSHOLE THE ENTIRE GAME SO I CANNOT SEE MY SURROUNDINGS. CAPS LOCK.

---

I agree. And yet I love that game.

Contact for the DS. Just....fuck that game.

My FML game:

http://www.the-nextlevel.com/tnl/att...1&d=1294088027


ARGHJEGRHJEWGRHJEW:JDASJKD!!~

Little Nemo the Dream Master

In the last level, how the FUCK are you supposed to climb up the cliff? I could never find a bee costume to fly over it. All the game would give me is a fucking lizard costume. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Opaque

I stopped playing Twilight Princess because after I spent all that time trying to fish up something in the fucking tutorial I was just done.

I didn't trust the game anymore.

---

This is more you than the game.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Razor Ramon

Little Nemo the Dream Master

In the last level, how the FUCK are you supposed to climb up the cliff? I could never find a bee costume to fly over it. All the game would give me is a fucking lizard costume. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

---

How dare you, that game was great. I beat it many times as a chillun'.

Fucking Wii version fishes for shit.

I found plenty of similar experiences online. Only people that didn't hate it played the GC version, so I might try that down the line.

Little Nemo was awesome. I remember some manta ray boss and by then you had the dream rod and it was rad.

Until that ONE POINT, I loved the game. But I could never jump the damn cliff. Fuck it.

Shinobi (PS2) is a real ninja trainer. By the time you finish the game, you would have been able to kill things off screen and zoom around blindfolded.

Deadly Towers (NES). FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK this horrible piece of shit.

Samurai Shodown: Edge of Destiny (AC)/Samurai Shodown Sen (360)

If you're going to make a Samurai Shodown game in 3D, making a half-baked Soul Calibur ripoff is NOT the way to go about it. SNK should have taken the 2.5D approach used by Street Fighter IV and the new Mortal Kombat instead, or maybe went with something like Tohshinden. Better yet would be for SNK to forget 3D and give any new SamSho games the KOF XIII treatment.

The control is unresponsive compared to the real SS games. CPU AI is a total bitch and will block 92% of your attacks. A properly timed Guard Breaker is your friend. You have an SDM that can be used only once per round when your life is low. Most of your attacks are Tekken/SC button sequences.

The first boss Draco uses a shotgun that can hit you from across the arena, and the blasts can juggle you several times in a row. You'll be glad to know he has to reload.

Projectile attacks are generally gone, but Galford still has Poppy. You can side-step, but there's no 8-way movement. The dismemberment is removed in the Japanese arcade version or if you play it on a Japanese 360 (the US release plays on Japanese systems). When you use a continue you will endure the longest fucking load time since Splatterhouse. Inexcusable.

Don't take it for $12. Forget it and just play the Neo-Geo titles, or even Samurai Shodown 6.


Samurai Shodown 64. Even THIS looks better in action than Sen.

Assassin's Creed 2, utter dogshit in every single way.

And Jet Set Radio Future, Smilebit deserved to be shut down after that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Josh

Geometry Wars on the iPad. Fucking unplayable.

---

I'll second that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Brisco Bold

My FML game:

http://www.the-nextlevel.com/tnl/att...1&d=1294088027


ARGHJEGRHJEWGRHJEW:JDASJKD!!~

---

I doubt it's possible to beat this and remain sane. 20 minute levels, non-stop swarms of enemies, crap weapons, and to top it......a awful carnival organ soundtrack.

Most iPhone games people go apeshit over are unplayable.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Low

I doubt it's possible to beat this and remain sane. 20 minute levels, non-stop swarms of enemies, crap weapons, and to top it......a awful carnival organ soundtrack.

---

I did. Wanna know how it ends?



THEN IT STARTS AGAIN!

I remember being really impressed when I first saw magazine screenshots of Deep Blue around 1988/1989. The TG16 wasn't out yet. I was disappointed when I finally did get to play it.

Tiger Heli on the NES did the same exact thing. Get to the end and it immediately starts at the beginning again.

Little Nemo was way too hard for my 8 or 9 year old self. I felt badass when I beat the upside down level and made it to the clouds once or twice though

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joust Williams

Most iPhone games people go apeshit over are unplayable.

---

Most? You can't name five.

Alien Trilogy for the Playstation. Fuck you, shitty game.

Beyond the Beyond was the first game I abandoned, and the worst RPG I've ever sunk time into. All I had to do was walk to the final boss and kill him, and then I looked at the final dungeon and its puzzle-ish layout and realized I couldn't stand another second of this snoozefest. Before Beyond the Beyond I'd beat everything I bought, and now I've got a Steam folder filled with games I've sunk maybe an hour into, plus a nice pile of console stuff I've played until something shinier caught my eye. And it's all Beyond the Beyond's fault.

James

A recent one for me was James Bond: Bloodstone. For those not familiar, Bizarre Creation made it. I played an hour or two of it and couldn't get past that the driving didn't feel right. I have no idea how Bizarre screwed up that part. I was actually excited for the game's potential because of their involvement and the focus on driving, but it all fell apart very quickly. The action sequences were actually better, which is nonsensical.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Yoshi

My name is Yoshi, and I have not bought an Activision game since March 29, 2009.

---

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...tone_cover.jpg

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wiki

Release date: November 2, 2010

---

I suppose there will be some explanation about how this doesn't count, just like your DLC big talk.

System Shock 2. What a fucking turd.

Tiger Road for the TG16. Hated it with a passion.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by James

Beyond the Beyond was the first game I abandoned, and the worst RPG I've ever sunk time into. All I had to do was walk to the final boss and kill him, and then I looked at the final dungeon and its puzzle-ish layout and realized I couldn't stand another second of this snoozefest. Before Beyond the Beyond I'd beat everything I bought, and now I've got a Steam folder filled with games I've sunk maybe an hour into, plus a nice pile of console stuff I've played until something shinier caught my eye. And it's all Beyond the Beyond's fault.

James

---

Beyond the Beyond is one of the stupidest name ever too. I abandoned it after about 2 hours in.

I just want to know why you were all buying that game.

It looked terrible.

Based on the history of the developer, it seemed like a no brainer. Turns out it was just brainless.

I suppose we all have our Unlimited Sagas to bear.

To be fair I actually got that for whatever the trade in value at gamestop was (bought it off a customer, I think it was sub 5%) and went into it knowing how terrible it would be.

I recognize a lot of that voice cast from my ADV videos.

Dead Rising: Case Zero. The insanely low price won me over. FML.

Sakura Wars on the Wii. WTF you mean to tell me I have to slog through hours of date sim bullshit before I get to a battle? Then the mechs all look look like mechanized representations of the main characters' ovaries. Fuck this game.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Doc Holliday

System Shock 2. What a fucking turd.

---

This must be a joke post. But then again, it's TNL so I can't tell.

Let's neuter him just to be sure.

Yoshi has still not explained how he was playing an Activision game a year and a half after his signature.

GameFly, if you're talking about James Bond.

You should amend your signature so it says

Quote:

---

My name is Yoshi, and I have not bought an Activision game since March 29, 2009. But, I'll still rent them or have them bought for me as gift. Also, I think that if I buy it used off ebay with the wife's credit card that shouldn't count either?

---

The point is that Activision has not gotten a dime from me. And now that Bizarre Creations is gone, they probably won't get anymore time either.

Does gamefly pay royalties based on what gets rented?

I really don't know the answer to that.

I doubt it. Obviously if a game rents well they may buy more copies, but that's probably it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Opaque

I just want to know why you were all buying that game.

It looked terrible.

---

Seriously. I hated the way the world map jerked while you walked. It gave me a headache.

It was the PS1's first JRPG (Arc the Lad was SRPG, and not released in NA yet anyway). I think early reports were unfavorable, but people were all OMG32-BITJRPG and dove in willy nilly.

Fable II -- 1/2 great and 1/2 complete and total horseshit.

I fucking hate this game. Yet I kind of like it...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PBMax

Fable II -- 1/2 great and 1/2 complete and total horseshit.

I fucking hate this game. Yet I kind of like it...

---

I kind of liked buying up stores in the town.

That was all I liked.

I hate the original Fable. What a waste of time.

Edit: Hi Doc!

Gears of War was not fun. A pretty game ruined by terrible controls.

Sam and Max on the Wii was inexcusable. You would think they had learned their lesson after the first season, but the second was somehow worse.

Also, it was my understand that Strong Bad did well on the Wii. I believe I read that somewhere.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by squall_vb

Gears of War was not fun.

---

http://www.the-nextlevel.com/tnl/att...chmentid=59599

In fairness, I never played it online. I simply tried to enjoy the single-player campaign. Maybe there is some online cornucopia of happiness that I missed.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by squall_vb

In fairness, I never played it online. I simply tried to enjoy the single-player campaign. Maybe there is some online cornucopia of happiness that I missed.

---

Gears of War is still the best action game of the generation. Maybe you're just mentally retarded.

An action game without any sense of adventure might be fine for some, but that sort of thing is just too shallow for my tastes. I prefer something like Red Dead Redemption, which had both action and depth.

I remember doing the final mission of the first gears with Brand over Live and we were fucking flipping out over how rad it was.

Gears of War is pretty cool. And I'm saying that having only put a handful of hours into the single player.

If you don't like it, you probably don't like modern FPS.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fe 26

If you don't like it, you probably don't like modern FPS.

---

Umm...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by squall_vb

An action game without any sense of adventure might be fine for some, but that sort of thing is just too shallow for my tastes. I prefer something like Red Dead Redemption, which had both action and depth.

---

RDR's "sense of adventure" is a bunch of repetitive scripted events and terrible mission design. I like a sense of adventure but it needs to be good. If they can't make it good I would rather play a game that is awesomely focused and sharp, like Gears of War. There is no filler in the game (except for that dumb vehicle mission but it's also like 5 minutes).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hero

And the best part? The sales will suck, Telltale will bitch about real games, or 3rd party games, not selling on Wii and their empty headed sycophant fanboys and coretards will lap that shit up.

---

You speak in the future tense of a two year old game. Telltale has already done several Wii releases since, and improved although they're still best played on PC.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by squall_vb

Gears of War was not fun. A pretty game ruined by terrible controls.

---

ban pls

I just didn't like Gears campaign much because I hate how linear the level design is. The gameplay and control are excellent though.

I rented Dead Rising 2 to play some multiplayer with a friend.
"Reality is Terror" is fantastic fun. I wish there was more to it as I really dug it.
Dead Rising 2's story mode, though... What the fuck? I don't understand the appeal of it. The zombies are slow, you're slow, it feels like it takes forever to kill anything, the weapons you find are not great, and Chuck Greene is an asshole. I know you can combine weapons to make new weapons, but at least in the beginning you seem to be quite limited to that ability.
"Yes, honey, I'll clear my name and get you your precious life saving medicine... right after I check out and flirt with these multiple, strange, and for one of them, untrustworthy woman. Your mom? Yeah, I'm sure she'd want it to be this way."

Granted, I like what I've played more than I liked Dead Rising 1 (I only got about thirty minutes in before I got bored of it), but what am I missing about these games? Why do so many hold them in such high regards?

Viewpoint for PlayStation is horrific. The thing that really kills it is the framerate issue which gets bad enough to render it unplayable in places. It's not too hard to take down the 3rd boss in the Neo version while still on the first credit, but I never got past him on PS1 thanks to the damned confusing "warping bullets" effect. Bad enough? No. They also took out the original Neo-Geo soundtrack, replacing it with some cheese techno with goofball samples. I missed the arcade BGM especially in stages 3 and 5 (PS1 stage 5 I saw only thanks to passwords). Also, there's no boss music.

Nice going, Visual Concepts and Electronic Arts USA. You took a 9/10 Neo-Geo shooter and made a 2/10 game of it. No dissing on EA Victor Japan, who brought the Raizing ports to Saturn (Fuck EA USA for not bringing Garegga & Co. out here BTW).

I'll probably get told that I'm crazy for this one, but....Jet Grind Radio drove me nuts. I loved the graphic style and music, but the controls had some god-awful lag where I would hit the jump button and the character would jump like a second later, and it always threw me off. It also always seemed like it was a different amount of time between when I jumped or turned, and when the character did as well. I couldn't get past the 3rd level I believe, and just gave up. Was it just me, or is there something fucked up with the controls in that game? Now, Jet Set Radio Future I remember playing a demo and having no problem with lag or anything...