The 1st TNL Epic: The Search for TeamGO Part 7: Showdown
Wow, it took me several hours to write this tonight, but I wanted to finish this 1st epic up and move on to some new material. As a result, this sucker is LONG as we got a lot of ground to cover.
I want to take this moment to think everyone who's taken the time to read and/or post in the epics I've posted and expressed desires to have cameos. I sincerely hope you've enjoyed reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them :)
OK, OK, enough with the mushy shit, here's the requisite previous parts of the epic if anyone wants to review:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
And now...the conclusion.
(When we last left our heroes, the brainwashed, evile members of TeamGO and Team Gamefan were closing in for the kill. Burgundy, now in command, asesses the situation...)
Burgundy: OK, lets recap here, we're outnumbered almost 2:1 by our brainwashed friends whom we can't kill because they're not consciously aware of what they're doing. The Dark Lord of the Sith is behind the whole thing and we apparently have to deal with him too. Bahn's out of it, and Wildcat's gone to the Dark Side. Does that about some it up?
MechDeus: Was that supposed to be a pep talk?
Burgundy: No, I'm just about as depressed as the rest of you. And this is no time to talk about my failure to take a motivational speech class at college so far.
Chux: Y'know, man, I have to say, you haven't been doing very well in this leadership role thus far.
Burgundy: Shaddup.
Rick: What're we gonna do?
Darth Blowme: Well...since I always make this offer to my invited guests before they become my prey, I'll pitch it to you as well.
Chemist: Don't listen to him! He's attempting to deceive you!
Darth Blowme: Please, little padawan, let me finish...
Chemist: Grrr...
Darth Blowme: I will offer this only once...join me...give yourselves to the Dark Side, and I will spare your miserable lives!
EThugg: Okay!
Others: ETHUGG!!!
EThugg: Err, sorry...force of habit.
Chemist: We'll never join you!
Darth Blowme: *eyebrows crease* So be it...TeamGO...Team Gamefan... *gestures to TeamTNL* Wipe them out...all of them.
Pitch: Look out guys,
here they come!
Klonoa: Burg...I'd say it's time for a plan...NOW!
Burgundy: Well...I have a theory, I think I've figured out how to incapacitate our brainwashed comrades without causing any fatalities...but...
MechDeus: You're not sure it's going to work.
Burgundy: Right...well, my theory is that there is ANOTHER reason Blowme had Bahn taken out, other than the fact he's our leader. He's also the best hand-to-hand combat fighter we have.
Werewolf: *cough*
Burgundy: Scratching, clawing, and rending your opponent's flesh don't count, Werewolf.
Werewolf: Damn!
Burgundy: ECM is the best hand-to-hand fighter they have, and Bahn's the only one who could stand toe-to-toe with him in a fight. Blowme knew this and had him taken out prematurely...
Seik: I still don't see where you're going with this man.
Burgundy: Look, Blowme's powerful...but I don't think he's strong enough to be able to directly control all of these guys. So he has to be controlling the rest of them through someone, namely, each team's respective leader.
MechDeus: Man...your right...so if we can incapacitate each team's leader, the rest of them should snap out of it!
Rick: You guys will forgive me if this whole thing just screams "convenient plot device to save Rags the time and effort of having to write-out 50 individual battles".
Ragnarok: HEY!
Burgundy: Look, unless you guys feel like taking them head on, there's two of 'em for each of you! You STILL wanna do it that way?!
Others: *shake heads furiously*
Burgundy: That's what I thought...alright, our target's are ECM and...umm...
Nick: Richter, who I GUESS is TeamGo's leader...
Ragnarok: *draws chain whip* I'll take care of Richter...you guys deal with ECM and hold off the rest of them.
Nash: Right...so, Shidoshi, what are ECM's weaknesses.
Shidoshi: I...umm...am not at liberty to disclose that. You see I had to sign this contract which states "Though shalt not blaspheme the name of thy God, ECM, lest ye be struck down by his wrath for such a transgression." when I went to work for Gamefan...
Nash: My God, man, this is no time to worry about divine retribution from your boss! We need answers!
Shidoshi: Err...
Posty: Shidoshi, never you mind, little buddy, I got this one for ya.
Shidoshi: Thanks, Posty, I owe you one.
Posty: Your DAMN right you do! I'm gonna make you work the streets for me you little ho...
Shidoshi: *gulp*
Pitch: Nice one, Posty.
Dolemite would be
proud of you.
Posty: Ummm...thanks. Does he always talk like that?
Chux: Even in Street Fighter Club, during his pre and post match taunts.
Posty: What about in match?
88mph: He used to, until we realized everytime he opened his mouth he had to finish saying his little haiku or whatever, which left an opening for him to be attacked. Some internal bleeding and a pair of broken jaws later, he finally quit doing it.
Pitch: You fucking idiot!
Do not talk
of Stree Fighter
Club to an
outsider. It violates
our first rule.
88mph: ...whatever.
Posty: Anyway...ECM's weaknesses. I'd say it's casual gamers and jokes about his height.
Korly: Oh, GOD, that is just TOO easy!
Burgundy: Alrighty then...well, I'm gonna need some quick-witted volunteers for this one, and a pair of decent actors too...
(Meanwhile...)
Ragnarok: Richter! *uncurls whip* It's time we found out which of us is TRULY the superior Vampire Hunter...EN GARDE!
(Ragnarok and Richter start their epic battle to see who has the bigger whip. Meanwhile...)
Darth Blowme: Hmmm...well, I would assume it's time to make presence felt and join my 'troops' in battle...
Chemist: Not so fast!
Darth Blowme: Oh...the little apprentice Jedi wants to fight me? How...quaint. *draws lightsaber*
Chemist: *draws saber* May you soon rest in pieces...
(And back to see what plan Burgundy has come up with...)
Master: DAMMIT, BURGUNDY!!! I'll never forgive you for this...
Burgundy: Oh, quit bitching, man, I know you've taken acting classes and EThugg is getting some twisted sadomasochistic pleasure out of this. You two are best for the job at hand.
EThugg: Yeah...don't be mad, Master. I know you'll enjoy it....in fact, this is actually kind of like foreplay actually...
Master: ARRRRGH!
EThugg: Heheh...
Master: This is revenge for the mouthwash, isn't it?
EThugg: I know not what you speak of.
Burgundy: OK, guys, an conversation between a pair of casual gamers, take one...GO!
Master: d00d! Did yuo $ee thsoe grafix on dat nu DOA Volleyball gmae cumming 00t?
EThugg: 0MG! d00d, it l@@k$ so @wesum! Kasumi si H@T!! 0MG, 0MG!!!
Evile ECM: Unngh...*grabs head*
Chibi Nappa: It's working!
Burgundy: Excellent...prepare the insult volley!
Nash: Hey, how long does it take for ECM to change a lightbulb?
Gongos: Depends how fast he can get Gheorge Muresan to come over so he can stand on his shoulders!
Silent Burgundy: .....
Nick: Guys...that, ummm...wasn't funny.
Nash: I can't help it! I'm a marksman, for God's sake, not a comedian!
Gongos: Hey, don't look at me, I get most of my material watching shitty old sitcoms.
Burgundy: Urgh...
(Back to Ragnarok and Richter, the two combatants have exhausted themselves with their whipping antics, and now kneel in exhaustion...)
Ragnarok: *huff, puff*
Evile Richter: Mre.......heh.....
Ragnarok: OK...Richter, apparently we're still pretty even. But, unfortunately, too much is at stake for me to finish this battle cleanly and risk losing. We'll finish this another time, when you're...less evile.
Evile Richter: Mreheh... *stands up and cracks whip*
Ragnarok: Time...to call in my wildcard....LESTAT!!!
Vampire Lestat: Behold I am the Vampire Lestat, Lord of the Undead, King of all Vampires, HUGE ROCK STAR! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Ragnarok: I thought I told you to quit showboating like that.
Vampire Lestat: The Vampire Lestat heeds no master!
Ragnarok: *takes oak stake out from belt*
Vampire Lestat: Err..yes, master. Too much showboating on my part, I agree.
Ragnarok: Know your role, jabrony!
(And back to the jewel between the young padawan and the Dark Lord of the Sith...)
Chemist: Ahg... *holds saber defending from Blowmeister's overhead slash*
Darth Blowme: This has been a valiant effort, padawan, but the game is up...prepare to die. *presses saber down*
Chemist: No....Master...Master where are you?!
Master: OVER HERE DOING THIS RETARDED BIT WITH ETHUGG!!!
Chemist: Not THAT "Master"! I'm talking about master...
Yoshi: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAYYYYY!!! *draws saber and force jumps at Blowmeister*
Darth Blowme: *kicks Chemist away and dodges Yoshi's slash* Ah...so, the Jedi Master comes at last. Announcing his presence with the Mighty Mouse theme song no less!
Yoshi: I know how to make an entrance. And now...yield, Dark Lord of the Sith, or be destroyed!
Darth Blowme: My, my, aren't we confident? I do hope you put up a better fight than your apprentice has...
Chemist: Get him...master...Yoshi....*thud*
Yoshi: Let's rumble, Blowmeister!
(And back to Master and EThugg verbally wearing down ECM...)
EThugg: 0MG! d00d, U R nutz! Teh X-B0X maks teh P$2 it's bi0tch!
Master: Nuh-uh! U R teh cr@zee 1, teh PS2 h@s teh bestest grafix @nd teh be$t games!
Evile ECM: Urrrgh... *drops to one knee*
Burgundy: That's it! We've almost got him!
Nash: Hey, what's so funny about short guys?
Gongos: They've got short penises, like ECM!
Silent 88mph: ......
Burgundy: OK, that's it, you guys are killing our momentum here, we'll just have to keep Master and EThugg pounding away at him.
Master: Burg I...don't think...I can take much...more of this...
Burgundy: On your feet soldier! Are you or are you not the Master?! Well, ARE YOU?!
Anti-Hero: Right now I think he feels more like Mistress than Master.
Master: GRRR!
(And back with Ragnarok and Lestat...)
Ragnarok: Lestat... *points to Richter* Drain a couple quarts of his blood.
Vampire Lestat: As you wish...
Evile Richter: Mreheh... *raises whip*
Ragnarok: *throws dagger and knocks whip from Richter's hand* LESTAT, NOW!
Vampire Lestat: *pounces on Richter and starts feeding*
Evile Richter: *after one point* Uhhh.... *two pints* Ummm.... *a quart* Ooooohhh.... *two quarts* Y..YES!.... *thud*
Ragnarok: At last...it's over...TeamGO should start reverting now...
(And back to Master and EThugg's masterpiece theatre...)
Darth Blowme: Drat! My prime puppet ECM isn't fairing too well...*pushes Yoshi off him* Mr. Goo, plug his ears!
Evile Mr. Goo: Mreheh... *plucks pieces off his body and uses them to plug ECM's ears*
Burgundy: No...and just when we almost had him too!
Chux: I gotta get those things out of his ears! *sprints towards ECM*
Evile ECM: *staggering* Mreh... *smacks Chux several dozen feet away* heh...
Chux: Ow... *thud*
MechDeus: Another one bites the dust...
Burgundy: Shit! We can't get too close to ECM, we'll have to take out Goo and mebbe the parts of him in ECM's ears will ooze out since he won't have control over it.
Nick: DJ! Go wake up your dad!
Despair Jr: Ummm...I would, but...he's over there...behind ECM...
Nick: Crud...well...lessee, I have an idea. *whispers into DJ's ear* Scream that at the top of your lungs!
Despair Jr: Why?
Nick: Trust me, it's the six words NO father wants to hear their child scream.
Despair Jr: OK....DADDY, MAKE THE BAD MAN STOP!!!
Despair: *pops up* DJ?! DJ! Don't worry, son, Daddy's coming! Who's the bad man, what is he doing to you?!
Despair Jr: *points to Mr. Goo*
Despair: YOU! *draws guns* Say hello to my little friends...Ebony and Ivory. *empties both clips into Goo*
Evile Mr.Goo: *absorbs bullets* Mreheh...
Nick: Shit, he absorbed 'em!
Despair: Did I fail to mention they were... *smirks* EXPLODING bullets?
Evile Mr.Goo: Mreheh...eh? *poppoppoppoppoppoppoppoppoppop*
Burgundy: Ewww....
Melf: Dude! You got Mr.Goo all over the place!
MajinRyu: Well...at least Aurora seems to be enjoying himself.
Aurora: Badadadaadaa! *dances porn star-style while rubbing Goo into chest*
Lord Perrin: I did NOT need to see that...
Klonoa: Well, at least you haven't had to endure seeing MVS in his birthday suit.
ECM: *portions of Mr.Goo in ears leak out*
Burgundy: Quick! Before Goo reforms himself! FINISH HIM!!!
Silent Nick: .....
Burgundy: Master? EThugg?
Master: *passed out*
EThugg: He passed out from the pain of having to act like that.
Burgundy: Dammit, Master! EThugg, you'll have to do it yourself!
EThugg: *SOB* I can't! Not without my Master! We have that something special...I can't do it alone!
Burgundy: Shit, shit, shit...someone...anyone, DO SOMETHING!!!
Nash: *looks at and nods at Gongos*
Gongos: *nods back*
Burgundy: Oh, shit, not you tw...
Nash: Hey, how tall is ECM?
Nick: *prays*
Gongos: Five-foot-two, I think.
Burgundy: *ties noose around neck*
Nash: Five-foot-two?! I didn't know they stacked shit that high!
Evile ECM: WAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! *thud*
(ECM loses consciousness from that glancing blow, and slowly, Team Gamefan starts coming around...)
Burgundy: Well...I'll be damned...that was actually FUNNY!
Nick: Well, yeah, I figured that where our own personal comedy routines fail...
Gongos: Lee Ermey and Full Metal Jacket are always there to help bail us out in the end.
Nick: *sniff* God bless you, Stanley Kubrick...
Ragnarok: Guys, guys! We got a problem!
88mph: What is it Rags? Did you take care of Richter?
Ragnarok: Well...yeah. But, the rest of TeamGO is still brainwashed! Knocking him out didn't snap them out of it!
Chibi Nappa: WHAT?!
Burgundy: Hold on, lemme get some answers here... *slaps Master awake* Master, you're the only member of TeamGO we have that isn't brainwashed, why wasn't taking Richter out free them from Blowme's control?
Master: *yawn* Oh...that's easy. That's because Richter isn't the leader. We don't have one. We're an autonomous commune.
Rich: Autnomowuzzit?
Master: An autonomous commune, you see, each week we elect...
Nick: Save it, we've all seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, we know how it goes.
Ragnarok: Well...that answers my question then. Lestat!
Vampire Lestat: You bellowed?
Ragnarok: Watch that tongue of yours! *gestures toward TeamGO members* What you did with Richter...repeat with the rest of them.
Vampire Lestat: Now THOSE are the types of orders I likes ta take! BLOOD GOUT!!!
(A vampiric feeding frenzy of massive proportions the likes of which never seen takes place...)
Nick: Holy God...
Werewolf: I had no idea a body could consume that much fluid.
Vampire Lestat: *bloated belly* Oh...man...I couldn't...drink...another drop... *BURP*
Burgundy: Good job Rags...messy...a little gruesome and disturbing...but effective nonetheless.
Rich: I guess this just leaves Blowmeister.
Burgundy: I think Yoshi's got that one...
(And to the last battle in progress, Yoshi and Blowmeister continue their epic duel...)
Darth Blowme: Very good...I can see why you are such a revered Jedi Master...
Yoshi: Funny...never heard much from the Sith community about you.
Darth Blowme: Well, word will reach there soon enough after I conquer the gaming industry. I think the first game Ill shitcan is Star Wars Galaxies...you know...just to piss you off.
Yoshi: NEVER! *knocks lightsaber from Blowmeisters hand*
Darth Blowme: Im....IMPOSSIBLE!!!
Yoshi: Dont fuck with a Jedi Master, bitch! *decapitates Blowmeister*
Burgundy: And that, as they say, is that I suppose...
MechDeus: Thats funny, I thought it would be even harder than this.
Darth Blowmes head: Oh...but it is!
Aurora: AIEEEEEE!! IT TALKS!!!
Rick: KILL IT! KILL IT!!!
Yoshi: Even without the rest of your body, your head continues to live on. I see you have fully embraced the dark powers...
Darth Blowmes head: I have...one card...yet to play...
Yoshi: Too bad you wont get a chance to use it. ITS SHISHKEBOB TIME, KIDDIES!
Darth Blowmes head: MONITAUR!!!
Posty: WHAT?!
(Like an Angel of Death descending from the heavens, Darth Monitaur, once Team Gamefans greatest warrior, descends, cloaked in black, weilding a dual lightsaber...)
Yoshi: *blocks saber attack* I see...where there is a master, inevitably his apprentice isnt far behind. Youve brainwashed the strongest member of Team Gamefan to be your bodyguard, Blowmeister. But it wont do you any good...
Darth Monitaur: .....
Yoshi: What, no trademark evile laugh which is the only thing your other companions can say?
Darth Monitaur: ...I dont feel the need to waste words...on a dinosaur thats soon to be extinct.
Yoshi: Wha...?
Darth Monitaur: *springs forward and slashes the lightsaber from Yoshis hand*
Yoshi: Ugh....how...he....so fast...
Darth Monitaur: Die, you Jedi scum.
Posty: MONITAUR!!! *picks up Chemists saber and springs toward Monitaur* Snap out of it!
Darth Monitaur: Snap out of what? Ive never been so clear-headed in all my life...
Posty: Monitaur...what are you...
Darth Monitaur: Do I look like one of those simple-minded, mind-controlled fools over there?
Posty: No...you....you serve the Dark Lord WILLINGLY?! WHY?!?
Darth Monitaur: I dont need to explain myself to you.
Posty: You dont feel the need to explain yourself to your best friend?! You dont feel the need to tell me why your now a lackey for your arch-nemesis, Blowmeister?!
Darth Monitaur: *knocks Posty to ground and holds tip of saber to his neck*
Posty: M...Monitaur...
Darth Monitaur: Dont make me destroy you...
Posty Jr: Uncle...Uncle Monitaur?
Posty: No! Stay back, Junior!
Darth Monitaur: PJ...
Darth Blowmes head: Monitaur, its time to pull back. Ive lost the troops, and the rest of my body. We will finish this another time...
Posty: No...Monitaur...dont go!
Darth Monitaur: You dont know the POWER of the Dark Side, Posty. I MUST obey my master... *springs back, grabs Blowmeisters head and slowly backs away*
Darth Blowmes head: Cro-man-yon, ing-shlat-yom... *a dark inter-dimensional portal opens*
Darth Monitaur: Farewell, Team TNL, till we meet again. And next time...we will win. *jumps through portal*
Posty: Monitaur....why...
Bahn: Forget about them...unngh...*regaining consciousness* Theyre gone...for now...and good riddance!
Nick: Bahn!
Bahn: Unnngh...hey guys. So...you were able to do it without me. Im proud of you all.
Burgundy: Bahn... *tears well up in eyes*
Bahn: Uhh...Burg, you been sniffing an onion or something?
Burgundy: *hugs Bahn* WAAAAHHHHH!!!! Oh, Bahn, it was so horrible...I had to boss everyone around, and endure Nash and Gongos bad jokes, and Auroras antics, and Masters primadonna behavior...and...and...
Bahn: There, there...welcome to my world.
Burgundy: Im so glad I dont have to do this day-to-day.
Others: HEY!
Bahn: Well, you have to admit, you all can be pains in the ass sometimes.
MechDeus: Yeah, well, but were pains in the ass who just saved the gaming industry!
Silent Bahn: .....
Korly: Please tell me that didnt come out like you meant it to, Mech.
Silent MechDeus: .....
Others: *groan*
Bahn: Well, guys, lets go get the others and wrap this shiznit up!
EPILOGUE
(With the Sith Lords defeated and TeamGO and Team Gamefan rescued without incurring any casualties, Team TNL bathes in the glow of the thanks of the others, and the humility of ECM...)
ECM: Hey...listen...guys. I appreciated all you did for us and Team Gamefan, and I\\\'m sorry I caused you so much trouble.
Wildcat: Trouble?
TracerBullet: TROUBLE?!
Richter: You kidnapped me and the rest of TeamGO and nearly broke my neck, helped Blowmeister almost succeed in his nefarious plans, and demolished Gamefan\'s old office buidling and that\'s all you have to say? Sorry?
ECM: Err...
Korly: And let\'s not forget that \"farewell\" message you left at the GameGO boards...
ECM: *sweating profusely* Ah...heheh...well....you see...umm...back me up a little guys!
Eggo: Why should we?
Mr.Goo: You pink-slipped our asses when Gamefan went under!
Haohmaru: And don\'t get me started with GameGO again...
ECM: Umm...is it...hot in here or is it...
Bahn: It\'s you.
ECM: Err...HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING!!
Fury: Sorry, man, they saved our bacons, we gotta repay them somehow and...
Kodomo: Guess who\'s gonna be the sacrificial lamb?
ECM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Posty: OK, kids, who wants to play a game of \"Kick ECM in the keester with a Stee Toe Boot\"?!
Team TNL: Ooooh! Ooooh! Me! ME!!!
(And so, with Team TNL playing a game of place kicker and ECMs buttocks playing the role of football, the sun sets on this first grand adventure. And many more to come on the horizon. Till next time, this has been your Narrator...signing off!)
THE END!
P.S. Before anyone asks, those who didnt make cameos in this epic will appear in future ones, I wasnt adding any more TNLers to this epic after part 5 because I was wrapping up the storyline. Please keep an eye out for the next epic in the not-too-distant future! :D
