Pancakes. Or: The Official Thread for Fiction and Poetry Critics

[Brisco Bold]

(Title by Jimmy Carter)

Everybody knows that the hardest thing to get when writing, is not a break, but, rather, an honest opinion.

Friend 1: "Yeah, I liked it. Especially the middle... where the guy, uh.. died and shit."

Friend 2: "It was funny."
You: "It was a drama."

Yeah, well, I want some non-partisan opinions.

In this thread you can link your shit, post your shit, and get an honest opinion. The goal of this is to get some feedback on your work, and find out if its crap or not. If it is crap, you can figure out what's wrong with it.

The key to this thread (if it's gonna work) is honesty. If you're going to post an opinion of someone's work, be honest; tell them what you liked and didn't like; be specific. No "fags", "gays", or idiotic comments.

Also, some of us (me) will need some help for hosting their shit. This is supposed to be a community. It'd be cool if we could act like one.

Anybody interested?

[Jimmy Carter]

Depending on how large people's files are, I can host some stuff. I haven't got a ton of space but text shouldn't be too bad.

[station82o]

i can host some stuff - i have about 10 mgs unused (for now...in a month i might be using the space) that i can use to help ppl out. But hell...most everyone around here knows about www.boomspeed.com

This is a good idea - nice addition to the fiction thread - and official too!!

[Brisco Bold]

Yeah, I wanna post my novel. And some other shit, but for the time being...

This was something I wrote awhile ago, but you can insert Sevenforce's everytime Cort comes up. A sampler:

~ Chronicles of the Justifiable Unexplored ~

Chapter 4.5 “This Is Completely Normal.”

SCENE OPENS WITH SHELDON AND CORT WALKING IN A MALL.

Cort: She’s hot.
Sheldon: I bet.
C: And that one too. She has a nice smile.
S: Sure.
C: Oh, Oh! And that one, too. I like her eyes.
S: Dammit, stop pointing! Look, somebody has to say this: do you notice anything peculiar about the girls you’re constantly ogling?
C: That they’re all damn sexy?
S: No.
C: That they find me damn sexy?
S: No
C: That they all want to make sandwiches.
S: What?
C: (Singing and gyrating waist) You can be the bun… and I can be the burger, girl.
S: Please stop that.
C: Why? <waving> She seemed to like it.
S: They’re all Asian.
C: So?
S: Every single one of them.
C: You’re just jealous.
S: In order to be jealous, you must want something that somebody else actually has. You’re black, by the way.
C: Oh yeah.
S: I think you need help.
C: That’s exactly what I was thinking. Do you wanna go introduce me? I always ‘take it to the hole and dominate’ after a grand entrance.
S: No, I mean I think you have some sort of weird fetish.
C: You use fetish in such a negative manner.
S: Look, what are you doing later tonight?
C: After downloading porn and reading Penny Arcade? Nothing, why?
S: Come over to my house. I have something for you.
C: Is it my birthday?
S: Isn’t that something you should know?
C: After I reached 19, my date of birth kinda lost importance; everything is legal now; everyone is legal now.
S: Just come over.


SHELDON’S HOUSE: 11 PM

C: Should I close my eyes?
S: It’s not your birthday.
C: How do you know?
S: Trust me, it’s not your birthday.
C: Fine. I’m trusting you.
S: Cort, this is Racheal. Racheal this is Cort. As you can see, Racheal is Asian.
C: I can definitely see.
S: I’ve decided to help you.
Racheal: When do I get paid?
C: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! SHELDON, YOU GOT ME A PROSTITUTE! You’re the best fucking friend in the whole wide world!!! This the best fucking birthday ever!!!
S: You’ll get paid after.
C: So… how would like to do this, baby?
S: Racheal? Just as we discussed.
R: <viciously kicks Cort in the crotch>
S: So how do you feel now?
C: She’s quite feisty; Makes me wonder about her bedroom abilities. Ooh, yeah!
S: Please, Racheal, again.
R: Sure.
C: She <kick> is <kick> so <kick> hot!!! <kick, kick, kick>

[Tracer]

The dialouge didn't do anything for me honestly. Add some evironment settings to begin with before you go on about the dialouge... kinda like a story board. Put in some ephasis on ceritan words. The banter doesn't seem to flow very well, though the general idea is fine... but vauge. Who are these people? Why do I know them and why is an Asian girl kicking Cort in the crotch?

To start: Describe where they are at, what's going on around them - even arbitrary events can help add humour to the situation by pointing out something that is happening that is very weird yet common (people find humour in things they always knew, but didn't think everyone else knew or noticed). Then decribe exactly where the two guys are at and then let into a full dialouge... eventually it'll grow into a story adding descirpions to gestures or the people walking by. Fill in the interlude with a seperate story, though related to the original, and then jump back to it (I see this working tremendously with what you're writing). The you have the option of resolving two seperate yet related stories or merge the two together creatively and resolve one with the other (ala Seinfield).

I would like some comments on Popeman 5

http://www.boomspeed.com/fermat/Popeman5.doc

Though I'm understand that this maybe hard to follow (if it is too hard then don't go all the way through - just tell me so) but I will give you some background.

In brief; The Pope and a Cardinal are secret Superheroes. Though it's quite clear to the reader that The Pope is Popeman it is not clear to the rest of the world in the stories. The idea cam about when comedian Drew Carry said something about the Pope riding in a Popemobile (that vehicle he is driven around in). I thought of the Pope and I thought of Batman... eventually it came out as Popeman. Since right below the Pope are Cardinals... I thought it would be extremely clever of me to have a story about Popeman & Cardinal (like Batman & Robin. Get it? They're both birds!). Me and Station and another friend of mine came up with dozens of characters and locations and ideas for this world and many of them were funny but most would not make the cut today should I resume Popeman after it's 4 1/2 year long hiatus. The previous 4 storys fill you in on the characters and the idea behind it much like I'm doing now (sans the history of the idea) but they did it, of course in story form. Sadly they are nether typed up nor are they particularly good. Popeman 5 however has pretty much been universally lauded as great - given that you know the details before hand. So there you go. The adventures in theier are pretty pointless, but I always found that it is extremely entertiaing and fun to write when you don't know precisely where you're going to end up. I think of it as writing with your heart. Sadly though I too seldom rewrite with my brain.

I would be incredibly greatful if I could get some feedback on this.

ºTracer

[rezo]

Who are these people? Why do I know them and why is an Asian girl kicking Cort in the crotch?

Cort is Seven Force! Rachael is kicking him in the crotch because he picked the wrong group of people to be attracted to!


Anyways, Popeman is long. I'll read through it later tonight.

[Tracer]

I thought of 7F when I read it... though I couldn't just assume.

[Jimmy Carter]

If anyone needs something hosted, just e-mail/PM/IM me. I'll slap it up, give you a URL and away we go.

[Brisco Bold]

Originally posted by TracerBullet
The dialouge didn't do anything for me honestly. Add some evironment settings to begin with before you go on about the dialouge... kinda like a story board. Put in some ephasis on ceritan words. The banter doesn't seem to flow very well, though the general idea is fine... but vauge. Who are these people? Why do I know them and why is an Asian girl kicking Cort in the crotch?

To start: Describe where they are at, what's going on around them - even arbitrary events can help add humour to the situation by pointing out something that is happening that is very weird yet common (people find humour in things they always knew, but didn't think everyone else knew or noticed). Then decribe exactly where the two guys are at and then let into a full dialouge... eventually it'll grow into a story adding descirpions to gestures or the people walking by. Fill in the interlude with a seperate story, though related to the original, and then jump back to it (I see this working tremendously with what you're writing). The you have the option of resolving two seperate yet related stories or merge the two together creatively and resolve one with the other (ala Seinfield).


[

This is exactly the sort of brutal honesty I was looking for. Great.

The thing I wrote was actually a series of stupid conversations my buddy and I were working on. I wanted to see what people would say. It was actually supposed to only be a story-board (for future ideas) so it was intentionally vague. Regardless, the feed-back is great.

By the way, when I actually write, it isn't like this at all.

[station82o]

As soon as I *raugh!* get past some lame school stuff today I'll try to see if I can light a creative match - but I think I'll probably finish off some more reviews and other non-fiction stuff first. But as soon as I get something going I'll post it on here - in the mean time i'll just point do the constructive criticism bit.

I shouldn't really give a review of Popeman 5 though - being so close to the whole creative process on that back in the day (ages ago it seems) makes me too subjective about the whole thing. Bluntly put its one of the best if not the best "crazy" piece of fiction I've ever read - but like I said, I kinda get the humour in a way that most other people would not barring Tracer and a few other fellows I know. For me to be objective about it would be untrue to myself I think, for the piece brings back good memories.

I had quite a long while back started upon what was supposed to be a full length novel - it was started in the 10th grade around 1997 and I wrote about 100 odd pages of it before realizing that I was ripping off FF7 in every way possible - which was my obbession back then. I still have it and most likey will not type it up nor will I let someone else read it. When I read it now I find myself cringing most of the time - the whole thing was like an open book into what kinda person I was back then - I think subconsiously the story reflected me personally - and too see how much I've changed since then is not a happy thing for me. All in all, I did have a fun time writing it and I remember devoting every spare moment to it.

I wrote an astonishing amount of Popeman and Cardinal - when I dig back through all my notebooks today I'm amazed to see how much I actually wrote - at the time I hated all of it, which is why I kept on writing more, I wanted to practice and get better but none of mine ever came close to Popeman 5 - but I'm sure Tracer will say the same thing about his others. When I read mine now though, I see that some have the potential to be reworked into something great - I have all the "appropriate" influences now... I see that the direction I was going in was contrary to the actual sprit of Popeman.