Shenmue 2 (Xbox) 1.02.03

[LOL]

I was going to write a normal, essay-like review for Shenmue 2, but then I realized that every gaming site on the Internet already has at least two of those. This conversation between two brothers explains the game better than I ever could.

Kurt: So, loser, what are you playing?

Lenny: Check this game out, I ordered it a month ago from my favorite obscure import gaming shop website, because I trust no one else with my money, especially not those Madden-loving brutes at Gamestop who don't know a thing about good gameplay.

Kurt: Uh, yeah, sure. Anyway, what is it?

Lenny: It's the newest game in the soon-to-be classic Shenmue series, created by gaming mastermind and all-around swell guy Yu Suzuki, who you may remember from such classic titles such as the priceless Outrun and timeless Space Harrier.

Kurt: Actually, no, I don't care who he is or what he's done. And wasn't Shenmue a Dreamcast game?

Lenny: Ah yes, it sure was, and this happens to be the second game in the series. It was originally to be released on the Dreamcast, but those dirty people at Microsoft saw the name "Shenmue" and thought "Money" and decided to purchase the game, thereby resulting in an unfortunate one-year delay to get the game ported from the Dreamcast to the Xbox.

Kurt: Okay, really, I don't care. Is it fun?

Lenny: Of course it's fun, it's by Sega, the only company in the gaming industry who still believes in the virtues of solid gameplay and innovative game design. Ah how I yearn for the old days, when I would snuggle with my Master System at night and get intimate during the day with such classic tales of electronic genius such as the Alex Kidd series and Penguin Land.

Kurt: You're being a loser. We never even owned a Master System, you're just making stuff up to try and sound hardcore. I'm going to bed.

Lenny: No no, stay, for your day will not be complete if you do not partake in the sweet nectar of Shenmue.

Kurt: Okay, okay, fine. Give me the controller. I'm playing.

Lenny: Are you feeling Yu's genius yet?

Kurt: No, I'm really not. I'm a guy sailing on a really terrible looking boat. I can tell this used to be a Dreamcast game.

Lenny: Ah, but you know not what you are getting yourself into, for you will soon be sucked into Ryo's world.

Kurt: Okay, I'm off the boat, what do I do?

Lenny: Just walk forward, the game takes over for a little bit here.

Kurt: This isn't a game, this is a movie trying to be a game. Look, I really don't want to be playing this. You have Halo, right? That game is sweet.

Lenny: No, I would never taint my game systems with that mainstream trash.

Kurt: Is this all you do in this game? Talk to people and run around a lot?

Lenny: You don't understand Yu's brilliance. He has painted a beautiful tapestry of gaming art.

Kurt: I'm trying to play a game here, and you're talking like you're in love with some Japanese guy. Okay, the game finally lets me control this Ryo guy again. So, what am I doing here?

Lenny: You are looking for Lan Di, the man who killed your father.

Kurt: Okay, that's pretty cool. So where do I go?

Lenny: Just walk forward a little bit more, the game takes control again.

Kurt: Jesus, it's all cutscenes and movies. When do I actually play the game?

Lenny: You are playing the game.

Kurt: Great. This sucks. Do you have NBA Live?

Lenny: Just give it some time. Shenmue isn't like anything you have ever played before, for it is more than just your average adventure game.

Kurt: You're right, it's also a really boring movie where I push the A button to talk to random people, and the game plays itself.

Lenny: But there's more to it than that. It's not about shooting people or leveling up your RPG party. It's about getting involved in what you're doing and slowly piecing together the parts of the puzzle to solve the mystery of your father's death. It does require quite a bit of talking and walking around, but that's only because this game emulates life. You really do walk around and talk to people all day, and so does the main character Ryo.

Kurt: Okay, I get that, that makes sense. But during the day I also play videogames, flirt with girls and get some of the guys together for some drunken football. Can Ryo do that?

Lenny: Well, he can play games in the arcade. The other stuff he doesn't do, because he's focused on finding his father's killer.

Kurt: Playing games in the arcade helps him to do that? Ryo might be focused, but this game isn't. Anyway, where's the arcade?

Lenny: A few blocks away, just follow the road signs.

Kurt: Dude, this really looks horrible. I mean, the graphics are good enough, they're solid and whatever, but it shows that it's a Dreamcast game. And what's with all this loading? I can't walk 20 steps without getting a loading screen or starting up some boring cutscene.

Lenny: The game is beautiful with a fantastic art direction. You're just expecting every game to look like Splinter Cell.

Kurt: Every game should look like Splinter Cell. This is the freaking Xbox, the power of X and all that. Sega just sucks dude, didn't they make the Saturn? Okay. I'm in the arcade. What the...? Hang-On and Space Harrier? These games are ancient.

Lenny: You don't like Hang-On and Space Harrier?

Kurt: Like I said, this is the Xbox. Did you buy the Xbox to play Hang-On?

Lenny: Well, no, but it's important to remember your roots.

Kurt: You really need to get out some.

Lenny: Hey, push the black and white buttons.

Kurt: One of them takes pictures, and one of them changes the colors. Big deal.

Lenny: Isn't that awesome? Sega really took advantage of the Xbox with this game.

Kurt: You're such a moron. Where's Unreal Championship? Chris has that game, and it rocks.

Lenny: That American-developed PC-port trash? I would rather die.

Kurt: Well whatever. Hey, cool! I got into a fight or something. What do I do?

Lenny: X to punch and A to kick, with dodge and throw buttons on there somewhere. The fighting is like Virtua Fighter.

Kurt: You mean that Tekken ripoff? Hey, this is pretty fun. Why isn't the whole game like this?

Lenny: Buy Virtua Fighter 4 for the PS2, it's the same game as these fighting parts except with more depth and some ugly jaggies.

Kurt: Jaggies? Anyway, that fight was kinda fun. It was me against like four other guys, I haven't seen that done much before. But what's with these horrible English voices? Everyone sounds like a robot, and Ryo has less personality than you.

Lenny: That's just the unfortunate price you pay with English voices, for no American could ever voice-act and get close to touching the emotional depth and dramatic acting you find in Japanese voice actors. Oh how I wish that this game contained an option for the Japanese voices, for they are so much richer and more inspired than this American trash.

Kurt: Uh huh. So do I get in any fights soon?

Lenny: Well, not quite. Here's a QTE. Just push the button that the game tells you to push.

Kurt: Whoa, sweet, it's like an action movie. Ryo's running around and stuff, and when I push A, he ducks under a falling ladder. When I forgot to push B, some dude threw a huge watermelon in his face. That's kinda funny.

Lenny: Sega rules.

Kurt: Don't be an idiot. That QTE thing was like half a minute long, and now I'm walking around and talking to people again. This is so boring. I want to fight again.

Lenny: Well, the first game had even more walking and waiting around. This game is actually much quicker and faster paced.

Kurt: Good thing I never played that game. Anyway, I'm really bored of this. It's an okay game, I like the fast parts, and the story seems cool enough, but it just moves too slowly for my tastes. Go buy Mechassault for me.

Lenny: Whatever. You're just a casual gamer like the rest of them. Go play your Madden, for I will always know that I am better than you because my gaming tastes are much more refined and intelligent.

Kurt: Dude, it's just a game. Have fun, I'm going to go do something not retarded and obsessive.

[StriderKyo]

Originally posted by omfgninjas

Lenny: Ah how I yearn for the old days, when I would snuggle with my Master System at night and get intimate during the day with such classic tales of electronic genius such as the Alex Kidd series and Penguin Land.

Dude, you're gonna make Frogacuda cry.

But seriously though, at least one third of the stuff Lenny said was true. Gaming art, I tell you! Most people don't have the patience for Gao Xinjian or Peter Carey, but that doesn't mean they aren't pumping out some next-level shit. I'd never say for a second that Shenmue's for everyone, but I don't think the fact that the series doesn't constantly provide instant gratification should be held against it.

[Andy]

Kurt sucks

[Punky Skunk]

Kurt sucks

So does Lenny. I don't know who I want to die more.

[Nick]

Impressive. But isn't that word already synonymous with "omfgninjas"?

This format is awfully reminiscent of what I wrote in my staff profile, which I know for a fact you have transcribed on your katana, but I will chalk it up to coincidence.

[Ragnarok the Red]

Pretty damned funny

[Jeremy]

How the fuck is that a review?

[MVS]

How are your Cut and Paste Stereo Instructions reviews?

Copy a press release and put in some words, and that's a review from you.

That, and you leave a lot of things out of them, and tell nothing about the game, but, besides that they are pretty shitty.

I believe it's called satire. You'll learn that when you get to grade 8.

[Jeremy]

MVS, different strokes for different folks. If you'd like, I'll delete all of my review threads from TNL since they seem to bother you so fucking much.

[MVS]

Please.

Leave TNL forever as well.