Parody of recent Trip Hawkins interview

**Agent X** · 25 Oct 2003, 09:37 PM

DISCLAIMER: The following is a completely fictitious parody of the GameSpot interview with Trip Hawkins.

This is Harry Cox with G-Spot video game news. We're speaking with Trip Hawkins today regarding his newest business venture, Digital Chocolate.

G-Spot: Where did you come up with the name "Digital Chocolate"?

Trip Hawkins: Well, I originally wanted to use the name "Sexual Chocolate," but my legal advisors informd me that the name was already taken. After working on a few other variations using the word "Sexual," I decided to try building off of "Chocolate" instead, and voila! The name "Digital Chocolate" just stuck.

GS: Do you think it'll catch on with mainstream consumers?

TH: Absolutely. It's the same kind of name as "Global Crossing," where you take two words that don't look like they belong together.

GS: Assuming 3DO was still around, would you have gone on with your plans as you are doing with Digital Chocolate?

TH: One of the assets of Digital Chocolate is a patent that I bought when 3DO's assets were sold. Originally, I put in a bid, hoping to get something from the days of Meridian 59 which would enable me to hit up Sony and EA for some extra moolah from the success of EverQuest and Ultima Online. I wasn't so fortunate, but I do have good news.

GS: What's that?

TH: I saved a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

GS: Any more good news?

TH: Sort of. Speaking again with my legal team, I figured that I could finagle this into something revolving around mobile phone entertainment, seeing how American patent law is so lax these days. Thus, Digital Chocolate was born.

GS: Why mobile phones, though?

TH: It's all about the Nokia N-Gage, my friend. I saw their launch library, and I notice they're just churning out half-baked rehashes of games that are several years old. But more importantly, they're quite successful! Did you hear that Nokia already sold 400,000 of those machines in just two weeks?

GS: Yes, but that figure really represents the number of units that were--

TH: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to you, son--you might actually learn something. Anyway, as I was saying, if they could manage to move those numbers with a bunch of sloppy shovelware ports, then I'm really missing the boat here. No one knows more about shovelware and rehashes than me. So, I sprung into action quickly. Did you know I've already got an idea cooking for one of our first games?

GS: No, I didn't. What is it?

TH: It's a remake of an old game we had on the 3DO Interactive Multiplayer, called Star Fighter. I've taken the liberty of altering the graphics and gameplay a bit to fit the confines of a mobile phone, and I got a couple local studen--I mean, veteran game developers to whip up a an early "concept" version this morning. Want to see it?

[Trip presents an N-Gage with his concept program running.]

GS: Hmm, this bears a remarkable resemblance to Defender.

TH: But it's not, and that's the beauty of it. We've even got the new storyline planned out. It all starts with a cinematic view of this desert planet--your home world. In the distance, you see two space druids, 3-CPO and D2-R2.

GS: That sounds awfully familiar.

TH: I said druids, Harry--DRUIDS.

GS: I know, but still...don't you fear being sued by Lucasfilm for plagiarism?

TH: Hell no, we do this in this industry all the time. George Lucas borrows a few ideas from me, and I borrow a few from him. It's all good. George and I are practically like brothers.

GS: Your critics--and disgruntled 3DO shareholders--have accused you of fiddling while 3DO burned. How do you respond?

TH: That's just flat-out wrong. I do have some musical talent, but honestly, I have never even picked up a fiddle. However, I will admit that in the few months prior to 3DO's liquidation, I could be occasionally found playing with my, uh, organ.

GS: Your organ? Do you consider yourself an organist?

TH: No, but I've overheard some of my colleagues murmuring amongst themselves that I'm quite a pianist.

GS: Well, I believe we've run out of time. Do you have any final words for our readers?

TH: Yes. Buy our games! For the love of all things good, please buy our games!

GS: Thank you for your time.