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Thread: Pancakes II: The Fiction and Poetry Thread

  1. Pancakes II: The Fiction and Poetry Thread

    I decided to start a new Pancakes thread as the first one had grown rather large. I'll start it off with the finally finished (but still very rough) version of Hero.

    Hope you enjoy!

    Now, where is everybody else?
    Last edited by Brisco Bold; 09 Jul 2004 at 11:42 AM.

  2. I did not read your story entirely, but I will. Just noting that it is in need of a good editor (Im sorry, I cant help myself thinking like that when I am reading somebody elses work).
    your mom

  3. Yes, it does. But it's difficult finding one. To compensate, I'm desperately learning how to edit.

    Wait -- are you reading the one I just posted? Or the incomplete version posted a while back?

  4. Get yourself a beta reader. Someone to read the copy after you've gone through and tweaked out spelling mistakes and small errors. Try asking someone in your family if you're comfortable with that, or an online friend.

    Other people tend to catch mistakes that you'll overlook in your own work.

  5. I'd do it if I had the time. However, I would probably edit more than just grammar. Some words are extraneous as well as the dialogue needs polishing.

    Here is what I did quickly with the first page

    There’s only so much I can do to occupy myself during a boring lecture, especially a history one. Why is the clock is not going anywhere; who is that hot girl in the front row; why is that girl over there looking at me; is that guy staring at me; how man other guys are looking at this same girl; does the professor uses Poli-dent or Poli-grip? This questions entertain for only so long.
    Regardless, I still love history as a subject, living for the seemingly insignificant details of an ancient society long obliterated by the colonizing forces of the West. Who’s to say critiquing the moronic military blunders that cost a proud nation a couple hundred troops and a bit of territory to boot can’t be enjoyable?
    I can’t say the same for my fellow classmates, however. No one (except the scattered bookworm and the diehard RISK player, who theorized how to translate the hard-hitting military tactics of Sun Tzu into die-throwing techniques), appreciated the many subtleties of such a great subject.
    For Shame!
    Still, there was one thing that spoiled the nuances, the beauty, and the ‘fun’ of history even for me. That ‘thing’ stood in front of over 350 students, gesturing like a madman run out of options, negotiating with the fuzz: professor Gutsell, and many professors just like him, tore the hearts out of once lively subjects, leaving them rotting corpses by the side of the road. Their oh-so-drôle asides, their monotonous tone - bah!
    During our review lecture, Gutsell mentioned how ‘ironic’ it was ‘that revolutionary France, in its attempt to oust a perceived tyrant, set the stage for an actual tyrant to take the formers place.’ I half expected to hear scattered ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ from the crowd, but nobody cared. At that point the urge to better acquaint myself with the desk was overwhelming.
    Hanabi Minowa said, poking me underneath my rib-cage with one of her long, bony fingers. Hanabi was some Asian girl with an inability to shut the fuck up. I guess we’re friends.
    “Gutsell can see you!”
    “What difference does it make?” I whispered. “Half of this lecture-hall is asleep.”
    “Yeah, but we’re in the front row. He’ll point you out and you know that.”
    She had a point. Gutsell didn’t take too kindly to people nodding off during his lectures. I’d seen the prof dish out some pretty cold tell-offs. Students didn’t try to come back with anything, either too embarrassed or afraid everybody would find out what urine does to white khakis.
    Hanabi reached into her bag and ripped a sheet of paper from a binder within. She placed the page on the desk and wrote, ‘What are you doing this weekend?’
    I replied ‘Probably going to the Cock and Bull with the guys tonight, heading somewhere later if we’re up to it. Tomorrow, not sure. You?’
    ‘Tonight I’m going to go see a band called Flashlight with friends. Don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow either. Wanna study for the mid-term… if you’re free?’
    Gutsell’s toupee was lopsided again.
    ‘Suuuuure! I like poop!’ I wrote.
    Gutsell’s toupee was falling off. I wanted to point it out to Hanabi, but she was too busy staring cock-eyed at the page to pay attention.
    ‘You like poop?’
    ‘Who doesn’t like poop?’
    ‘You’re an odd duck!’ she scribbled with a big smile on her face. ‘Let’s meet up. Anytime before four is okay with me. You?’
    Do you think it sounds any better?
    Last edited by Mman; 07 Jul 2004 at 06:16 PM.
    your mom

  6. This is the perfect opportunity to redo my stuff and repost it here with better intros and whatnot. Stay tuned.
    - calianaderderajhfjdjjdskk

  7. Quote Originally Posted by Mman
    Do you think it sounds any better?
    Jesus -- yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mman
    I'd do it if I had the time. However, I would probably edit more than just grammar. Some words are extraneous as well as the dialogue needs polishing.
    You know what's frightening? For the last two months, I've been frantically re-reading this, tightening the dialogue, cutting out extra crap. Clearly I didn't achieve my goal.

    Can anyone out there help me?

    *edit* I've cajoled someone into reading it over.
    Last edited by Brisco Bold; 07 Jul 2004 at 09:47 PM.

  8. Don't worry about it. There is a reason why editors get paid so well. Writers do a lot of writing...readers don't want to read all of it. Tons of writers have this same problem and it just takes time and practice to deal with it.
    your mom

  9. The Maxar Post

    So here are eight of my first book's chapters. These are the ones I am comfortable with letting people read. I really don't feel like explaining pronunciation all over again, so pronounce stuff as you like or ask how you say a name. Here we go:

    Chapter 01 - A Midnight Meeting
    Chapter 02 - Friends Forever
    Chapter 03 - Lost Little Girl
    Chapter 04 - The Incident
    Chapter 12 - Culmination
    Chapter 28 - The Battle of Taffeter
    Chapter 29 - Recovery
    Chapter 30 - Affliction

    And yes, I will fight the publisher about the end of the first book. That is the end and I don't care what anyone says. Bite me!

    P.S: Please let me know about any HTML issues (wrong characters, missing paragraphs and whatnot). Thanks.
    Last edited by Mike; 07 Jul 2004 at 08:50 PM.
    - calianaderderajhfjdjjdskk

  10. Brisco, thanks for sending me the story via e-mail. Forgot to get back to you.

    Anyway, my server is going down, so if anyone still has stuff linked to it, it won't be up long. College is starting, and I need to pear down expenses.
    bastard of the new world order.


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