Pancakes II: The Fiction and Poetry Thread

[Brisco Bold]

OT: I have a slightly edited version of Hero on my HDD (spelling, grammar, etc.). If anyone wants to read it (HA!), hit me up on MSN or AIM.

[rezo]

Wrote this recently:


Dan gives fight advice to all the little boys out there, to inspire venerable constitutions, and set 'em straight!

_____________________________

It starts with the eyes
Give em' the toughest glare ya can
And if'n it ain't all that tough
GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!

Cause ya gotta be brave
Gotta show em' what you're made of
And in case you have forgotten
Well, IT'S A LOT!

Their knees'll start shaking
If'n your glarin' does it's job
And that's when ya grit your teeth
AND GIVE EM' HELL!

It starts with the eyes, see?
But the snarl is the capper
Half the game is in the start up
And if you glare and snarl like a champ
YOU'RE ALREADY ON TOP!

But keep your distance!
Don't stick your face out like a fool
While you're snarling to be cool
They'll plant their knuckles on your cheek
AND THAT'LL BE THAT!

Retain your composure
The opening play is just to get them going
Get their blood real hot and boiling
Reeling to start the show!

So then you go!
This is where the real game begins
But if you did all that I told ya'
YOU'LL START ON TOP!

Keep those legs moving!
Bob your head and shuck and jive
If ya want to stay alive
YA GOTTA BE SMART!

Aim for the chin!
If'n the chin is made of glass
Then make it shatter!
Make it wobble to and fro!

BUT COVER YOUR FACE!
Didn't I just tell you to shuck and jive
Ya gotta be smart to stay alive
So don't be a fool!

Don't kick at his groin
Groin kicks are for pussies and little girls
And though I appreciate em' both
They've no place in a fight!

What if you've been hit?
Ya won't want to do this anymore?
Quit your whining, son
Getting hit is a natural part of the job!

Just regain your composure!
It ain't over till it's over
You've always got a chance
if you've got the heart

You've been knocked down!?
Don't just flail around the ground
Pick yourself back up
And please avoid his foot!

Just do what I tells ya
Shuck and jive and rock the jaw
And in no time
the victory will be yours

And if ya lose?
Well,then ya lost, what can I say
But you'll also have won something
and that's some bloody self-respect

So don't forget
all the advice that I gave ya
and next time someone tries to cause trouble
well, GIVE 'EM HECK!

[arjue]

Holy shiat, I had this idea moments ago, and I like it so much that I'm gonna write it into a movie script the moment I get the chance to (starting this saturday, my computer can't be setup until then ). The reason I'm going with movie script is because I suck at writing, and apart from dialogue, it doesn't matter as much with movies.




One day in the near future, archeologists are digging near where jesus is supposed to have died or something, when they come across a some stuff, like parts of a machine, some photos or something, etc, that suggest that the entire new testament was a hoax done by time travellers.

One of the machine parts or something had a logo on it that was of a corperation that was currently around, which sure enough was experimenting with time.

The church finds out about this evidence, and decides to cover it up. However, a clergyman realises that if this company doesn't go back in time, then their entire religion would cease to exist, so instead they decide to fully fund the expedition and keep it secret.

The rest of the movie is set back in time and shows how they hoax some of the major events of the bible.


Now, what I'm thinking is to use the above as a mere setting for a completely different movie, like say, a romance, or a drama, something like that. It'd just be so surreal to see these people time travelling and faking miracles while a completely unrelated story (probably dialogue driven) with real people dealing with real problems that we can all relate to takes place.

I'm probably not adept enough at writing to pull something like this off, but fuck it, I'm gonna go for it. Imagine if, despite my chances, I do pull it off, it'd be awesome to the max squared. Only problem is that I'm already working on another movie with a friend of mine (stupid horror movie), as well as thinking about another 3 ideas, and half doing a fourth (fucking problems... ugh). I think I might have to much on my plate as it is.

Wrote this recently:


Dan gives fight advice to all the little boys out there, to inspire venerable constitutions, and set 'em straight!

_____________________________

It starts with the eyes
Give em' the toughest glare ya can
And if'n it ain't all that tough
GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!

Cause ya gotta be brave
Gotta show em' what you're made of
And in case you have forgotten
Well, IT'S A LOT!

Their knees'll start shaking
If'n your glarin' does it's job
And that's when ya grit your teeth
AND GIVE EM' HELL!

It starts with the eyes, see?
But the snarl is the capper
Half the game is in the start up
And if you glare and snarl like a champ
YOU'RE ALREADY ON TOP!

But keep your distance!
Don't stick your face out like a fool
While you're snarling to be cool
They'll plant their knuckles on your cheek
AND THAT'LL BE THAT!

Retain your composure
The opening play is just to get them going
Get their blood real hot and boiling
Reeling to start the show!

So then you go!
This is where the real game begins
But if you did all that I told ya'
YOU'LL START ON TOP!

Keep those legs moving!
Bob your head and shuck and jive
If ya want to stay alive
YA GOTTA BE SMART!

Aim for the chin!
If'n the chin is made of glass
Then make it shatter!
Make it wobble to and fro!

BUT COVER YOUR FACE!
Didn't I just tell you to shuck and jive
Ya gotta be smart to stay alive
So don't be a fool!

Don't kick at his groin
Groin kicks are for pussies and little girls
And though I appreciate em' both
They've no place in a fight!

What if you've been hit?
Ya won't want to do this anymore?
Quit your whining, son
Getting hit is a natural part of the job!

Just regain your composure!
It ain't over till it's over
You've always got a chance
if you've got the heart

You've been knocked down!?
Don't just flail around the ground
Pick yourself back up
And please avoid his foot!

Just do what I tells ya
Shuck and jive and rock the jaw
And in no time
the victory will be yours

And if ya lose?
Well,then ya lost, what can I say
But you'll also have won something
and that's some bloody self-respect

So don't forget
all the advice that I gave ya
and next time someone tries to cause trouble
well, GIVE 'EM HECK!

hah, that was great rezo. I really dug the whole "if'n" thing.

I really like your poetry.

[Calliander]

I'm happy to bump this thread once again, since we're getting close to it being a year since Arjue's post. Anyway, I wanted to post the link to my story, since I've revised what I had and made some HTML for it. I've finished about five more chapters since the last time I posted and changed some stuff in the rest of them. I'm about half done with the base story before I flesh the rest of it out. Here's the link:

http://www.calliander.net/maxar/

Let me know what you guys think of it. It's still the first in the series, so everything in it is fantasy stuff. The next in the series will introduce the sci-fi element. Let me know if you have any questions or comments (especially about pronunciation). None of the chapters are actually "done," just to a point where I'm happy enough with them to display. For instance, at the time of posting this, I have the entirety of chapters 10, 11 and 13 done, just not good enough. So any constructive criticism is also great.

[Gohron]

Something I started working on awhile ago and still havn't got anywhere near finishing (I havn't worked on it for awhile but maybe I'll find the desire to continue on with it in the future). It's pretty long but I'll attach it to my post and if anybody has the time to read it, I guess you can let me know what you think:

[Scourge]

Haha! Mman pulled a Me on Brisco. Good show Mman! I haven't read your stuff yet Brisco, but I'll give it a look unless you want to have it proofed and edited first to put your best foot forward.

**edit** I hate it when I don't notice a thread is old... When did we get a second Pancakes thread and I wasn't invited?

[Calliander]

Quite a while ago, but I bumped it rather than create a third Pancakes thread.

[Brisco Bold]

Haha! Mman pulled a Me on Brisco. Good show Mman! I haven't read your stuff yet Brisco, but I'll give it a look unless you want to have it proofed and edited first to put your best foot forward.

Huh, what?!?

*edit* I haven't seen this page in a while and totally forgot about it.

Here's my best foot forward.

Meh.

[Brisco Bold]

Something I started working on awhile ago and still havn't got anywhere near finishing (I havn't worked on it for awhile but maybe I'll find the desire to continue on with it in the future). It's pretty long but I'll attach it to my post and if anybody has the time to read it, I guess you can let me know what you think:

While the concept is interesting, your story is marred by poor writing. You spend a lot of time telling us the story instead of letting it happen. Show me that this guy is grisled, that the person who called him on the phone is a punk, etc.

Also, I think your sentences include unnecessary information. You're combining too many unrelated topics into one line. Lastly, you abuse variations of the verb "to be."

[Lobo]

Here's something I'll share with you guys out of boredom. It's a micro story that I formulated in the midst of an everyday conversation, triggered by someone telling me something was a "long story."


"Tell me a story," he said.

Hesitantly, she asked, "why would you ever want to hear a story of mine?"

"Because," he explained, "your story could be the one that makes the imagination of the populace sprout with the tree that produces the oxygen that fills the mind of the couple who gives birth to the first man to set foot on Mars and plants the tree that shades the rover from the solar power that it needs to operate to give the earthlings the data they need to get the man back to where he can see the parents who gave birth to him, whose minds where filled with the oxygen from the tree that grew out of the imagination of the populace, all thanks to your story."

With that, she spoke the words that sprouted the tree...