The Darkest Soul
DUE TO SOME GRAPHIC BULLSHIT, INTELLIGENT DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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"CTU, this is Jack. I think the female suspect has Tony as a hostage."
"Gee, no shit, Sherlock. But don't worry, <snicker> our "perimeter" is <snicker> "airtight" <snicker>.
"Who keeps giggling?"
"That's just radio interference."
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"Michelle, calm down. We'll get Tony back. You've got to focus! I mean, I'm sure Tony hasn't been stripped to the waist, bound, and gagged by the hottest terrorist in existence."
"Aw, Just like our honeymoon!"
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"Mr. Presidsent, I don't think we're going to be able to find the missile in time. You might wanna get the hell out of Dodge."
"Very well. In the meantime, compile disaster scenarios for every major city within the missile's known range."
"Yeah, 'cause we're the Counter Terrorist Unit. That's what we should be using our resources for, Emergency Management. You know, I'm beginning to remember why you weren't re-elected..."
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"GRID! PERIMETER! PROTOCOL! REDEPLOY! PROFILE!"
"Wha...?"
"Sorry, I didn't get a script this week. Figured I'd just go with our favorite catch-phrases.
"You forgot "enhance"."
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"The evil but sexy terrorist tried to blackmail me into betraying the United States, but in a rare moment of competence I decided to actually do my job."
"You deserve a promotion!"
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TO DO LIST:
1. Examine egress area to determine if the cops and CTU have backed off.
2. Tazer hostage.
3. Apply lipstick.
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"Buchanan, this is Bern. I'm in San Diego. All set."
"Who the hell is this?"
"Bern. You know, the idiot who showed his face at the consulate."
"Oh, that Bern. I forgot all about you. Well, good luck to ya!" <click>
<gets in car, sees Chinese faces>
"OH CRAP! I mean, heya, fellas."
"You know, you CTU people just really suck. I mean it. You all just totally suck. I could have let my daughter set up this ambush, and we'd still get away with it."
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"CTU, this is Jack. Our plan is, like, totally working. We tricked the evil but sexy terrorist into believing, like, Michelle is a traitor and everything. She's so totally stupid. And now I can see two distant shadowy figures in the rain with an umbrella walking towards the car. Man, she's like, totally clueless."
<figures get in the car, car promptly blows up>
"NOOOOOO! The evil but sexy terrorist has killed herself and Tony! I repeat, I have total, absolute confirmation that Tony Almeda is dead! Little bits of him are raining down on me as we speak!"
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"Mr. President, we just lost our last lead in the case. Looks like that missile's gonna hit after all."
"I see. Well then, re-deploy your people in a disaster management fashion."
"You really don't know what the fuck you're talking about, do you sir?"
"No."
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"Michelle, I'm sorry for your loss. All we can do is hope and pray that the evil but sexy terrorist didn't have wild, passionate, animal sex with Tony before she blew him up. You know, she was probably gonna kill him eventually anyway, possibly after using him to satisfy her unnatural carnal desires."
"You're a big fucking help, you know that, Chief?"
"Um, maybe you should go home now."
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"After listening to this tape of the evil but sexy terrorist's phone call, I'm not convinced she was actually in the car after all."
"Gee, d'ya think? What was your first clue, Poirot?"
"You can't hear the rain fall before she gets in the car. Not to mention the car door slamming. Plus, you know, I never really actually saw the terrorist get in the car in the first place."
"You're on a roll, Miss Marple!"
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"Give it up, evil but sexy terrorist! I will totally shoot you in the face."
"Do you really have what it takes to let me kill him while you're looking him in the eye?"
"Shit, lady, he's lucky I haven't accidentally killed him about seventeen times already. I figure he's used to it."
<Curtis, in another rare display of CTU competence, introduces Mandy to The Nation's Punched>
"Well, at least somebody's got their shit together around here."
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"Michelle, it's Tony. I'm alive. The terrorist switched my clothes with an innocent civilian. She reeled Jack in like a trophy sturgeon."
"OH TONY! I love you so much!"
"By the way, I swear that she never made me oil her up and do a spinning Vietnamese monkey fuck. Honest to God. I got these scratches from, uh, counter terrorist stuff."
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"Evil but sexy terrorist, if this were any other moment, you'd be in for a little torture number I like to call 'Jacks or Better to Open', but dammit, I just don't have time. We need to find Marwan NOW!"
"Can I get a Presidential Pardon?"
"Oh hell yeah. We keep 'em on a roll over by the sink. Just tear one off and I'll get it signed ASAP."
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"Bern, we will ship you off on a one-way trip to Siberia on the Orient Express unless you tell us who was in charge of the consulate invasion."
"It was Chloe."
"Who?"
"Just kidding, a little wishful thinking there. Seriously, it was Jack Bauer. Fucker tortured me at the office Christmas party last year."
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--DOINK DOINK--
Oops, wait, that's Law and Order
--tink TINK tink TINK tink TINK--
That's better...
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"Mr. President, this is Jack. We need that pardon signed as soon as possible."
"Hey, I've got, like, forty of these things to sign. Couldn't we just get a rubber stamp? My wrist is starting to ache."
"Sir, before you sign that, I just wanted to show the group this footage of the attempted assassination of Palmer from a couple of years ago."
"OK. How does this impact what we're doing here?"
"It doesn't. I just like seeing the look on Palmer's face. It's priceless!"
"Fair enough."
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"Ok, evil but sexy terrorist. Here's your deal. Now where's Marwan?"
"He's boarding a helicopter at The Global Center, which will then take him to a ship. You'd think you guys would have secured the skies over L.A. and any airborne chopper without authorization would be immediately investigated."
"HAAHAHAHAHAHA... woo, you really crack me up. "Investigated"... that's a good one..."
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"Dammit Marwan, why do you keep calling Mandy? We need to get out of here!"
"It's just... well, nothing really. I just had something I wanted to say to her..."
<clears throat>
"I remember all my life
Raining down as cold as ice
A shadow of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into...
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
you made me so happy, oh Mandy
Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
I need you today, oh Mandy..."
"Sir, please don't make me kill you."
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"Jack, quick, he's heading into the parking garage!"
<shots ring out, nameless CTU henchman falls>
"REDSHIRT DOWN! REDSHIRT DOWN!"
<more shots, Marwan is shot in the ankle, Jack grabs him just as he tries to leap off the building>
"Where's the missile, terrorist scumbag! Where is it?"
<Marwan lovingly slices Jack's hand with a knife>
"Say, you're good! But you can't die now, we can't afford a decent stuntman or a beleivable CGI fall."
<world's least convincing CGI falling effect>
"SEE?!?"
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"Palmer, you've bungled every aspect of this crisis. I'm almost beginning to regret bringing you in as an adviser."
"At least I didn't soil my slacks when the going got tough."
"Touche."
"Sir, we're getting a message from Su Ming."
"I didn't order takeout."
"Sir, Su Ming is the acting Chinese Consul."
"Oh right, right. Put him on."
"Your agent Bern has confessed that Jack Bauer was head of the raid on the Consulate. You will turn over this agent to us immediately."
"Um, we'll get back to you, ok? Thanks." <click> "Oh this is just GREAT. What the fuck do we do now, Palmer? Palmer? Hey, where'd he go?"
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"Edgar, Chloe, this is Jack. We found a Nintendo DS with a couple of bullets in it in Marwan's chopper. I'm uploading whatever's miraculously left on it to you two."
"Are you sure he didn't just get mad at his Nintendog?"
"You tell me."
"Hey, this looks like a flight path. Good thing Marwan needed that info at his fingertips for whatever reason."
"Can you track the missile now?"
"Yeah, I just need to re-task the satellite with the arrow keys..."
"I always use WASD."
"Shut the fuck up, Chloe... There! Got it. Oh no! Looks like the missile is headed for... da da DUMMM... LOS ANGELES!"
"Whoa. Didn't see THAT coming!"
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"WOOHOO! The Air Force shot down the missile! We're SAVED!"
"Great. Who the hell am I gonna torture now?"
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WE INTERRUPT THIS SHOW TO BRING YOU YET ANOTHER FIVE MINUTE SOAP OPERA STARRING TONY AND MICHELLE
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING, AND PROMISE NEVER, EVER TO DO THIS AGAIN
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<sigh>
WE INTERRUPT THIS SHOW TO BRING YOU YET ANOTHER FIVE MINUTE SOAP OPERA STARRING JACK AND AUDREY
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING, AND PROMISE NEVER, EVER TO DO THIS AGAIN. REALLY. NO, WE MEAN IT THIS TIME
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"Jack, this is Palmer. I just wanted to thank you for all your dedication, strength and sacrifice during this terrible crisis. You are truly an America hero. Oh, and the Secret Service is on their way to arrest you. Again."
"Gee, thanks, Mr. President."
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"Mr. President, my aide has informed me he overheard plans for the murder of Agent Bauer. Is this your doing?"
"Oh please. You really think I could make an actual decision? I still haven't changed my underwear from earlier this evening. Besides, this all sounds crazy. Are you sure this isn't just more paranoia left over from your administration?"
<mumbles> "At least I had an administration, Vice motherfucker..."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing."
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"Jack, it's not fair that you have to take the fall for your completely illegal raid on the Chinese Consulate."
"Tell me about it. Isn't there a lowly grunt we could lay the blame on? Maybe a chick?"
"Nah, too late for that."
<Jack's cell phone rings>
"Jack, this is Palmer. Don't surrender to the agent sent to arrest you. IT'S A TRAP! Hehe, man, I've always wanted to use that in real life."
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"Ok, I'm here to arrest Bauer. Where is he? And what is that smell?"
"Dave's not here."
"Huh?"
<snickering> "Uh, Dave's not here, man."
"Listen, you better turn him over right away, or there'll be..."
<alarms start sounding, more snickering>
"DAVE'S NOT HERE, MAN!"
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"Hey Jack, this is Tony, and I'm here with agent Spaulding. D'ya hear me? AGENT SPAULDING IS WITH ME! OK?"
"You'll never take me alive, coppers!"
<wildly innaccurate gunshots>
"Look, I better go in there ALONE, ok? To get Jack. I mean, YOU STAY HERE, ok, and I'll go get him. He sounds all crazy and everything, so I'll just go in there BY MYSELF to try and bring him out, ok?"
"Fine, Christ, whatever. Just hurry up already."
"OH NO! Spaulding, come quick! Look, agent Bauer is DEAD! See how dead he is? I mean, like, this guy is just totally dead and everything. Go on, feel his pulse! Go ahead! SEE! I TOLD you he was dead. Yessir, he sure is dead alright! Dead dead dead."
"I'll report back to my superiors."
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"Hey, the epinephrine isn't working, he's not coming out of it!"
<Tony starts pounding the shit out of Jack's chest>
"God damn it, you bitch. You never backed away from anything in your life. Now fight!" <whap> "Fight!" <whap> "FIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!"
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"Mr. President, this is Jack. I've got a new identity and I'm headed for Tijuana. I just wanted to say what an honor it's been working with you again. No, seriously, I mean it."
"Same here, Jack. But you know, this will probably be the last time we ever speak. For all intents and purposes, Jack Bauer is dead."
"You're telling me."
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As the sun sits on the horizon, Jack dons a pair of sunglasses, hoists his backpack over his shoulder, and strolls down the railroad tracks, into the sunset. Well, technically it's a sunRISE, but you get the message.
Fade to black...
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zero bubble
Actually, that was a great little scene. A thoroughly deadly chick, surrounded by dead victims and a hogtied CTU agent, who cooly takes the time to put on a fresh coat of paint. Sexy.Originally Posted by Despair
After Jack's "I do," all faith in Jack and 24 was restored. Any lingering doubts were certainly quelled when Curtis fed her his fist. A CTU op that, amazingly, wasn't bungled.
"Fiends! Animals! Bastards!"
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