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Thread: Chimps are not funny. Chimps will eat your face and mutilate you.

  1. Chimps are not funny. Chimps will eat your face and mutilate you.

    Just figured I'd post this story as a warning to anyone here who thinks Diddy Kong or monkeys dressed up as people are a representation of the true nature of chimpanzees. That goes without saying, animals aren't cartoons but wait till you get a load of this mauling. Oh yeah, and after reading this you will probably A)clutch your family jewels, nose and foot in sympathy pain and B)you will vow never to let your kids or mate near one of these buggers. C)You will abandon the idea of owning a chimp

    That said I know some chimps are nice and very sweet natured but from what I have read only ones raised from birth, even then they can be very unpredictable when adults. I have seen these animals in an entirely darker light ever since I saw an Oh yeah, and it goes without saying for many other wild animals but Racoons and kangaroos are evil too and not comical either. Also, the article says they are investigating whether or not they had rabies. Based on all the things i have read and seen from chimps, you can bet they didn't need rabies to do this:

    Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield that the monkeys chewed most of Davis' face off and that he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose. Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian that the chimps also tore off Davis' testicles and foot.
    Yeeeooowch. Pleease tell me there are no state fairs which have traveling "Have your child's picture taken with a chimp" shows.

    Full article from yahoo news:

    Chimpanzee Attack Doesn't Surprise Experts

    Sat Mar 5, 9:02 AM ET Top Stories - AP

    By KIM CURTIS and TERENCE CHEA, Associated Press Writers

    HAVILAH, Calif. - Chimpanzees come across to the public as little darlings, often in diapers and always willing to hold hands. But they're really aggressors, primate experts say, more than capable of carrying out attacks as violent as one that left a man fighting for his life.

    Chimpanzees Maul Man in California
    (AP Video)

    Generally weighing between 120 and 150 pounds with strength much greater than man, chimps in the wild are known to kill chimps from neighboring groups, hunt other primates and even attack humans.

    "Male chimps are intensely territorial. They defend their territory against any perceived threat," said Craig Stanford, a professor at the University of Southern California who studies primate behavior. "Chimps can be violent at times just as humans can be."

    On Friday, authorities continued to investigate how two chimps at an animal sanctuary escaped from their cage and mauled St. James Davis, 62. They were shot to death during Thursday's attack by the son-in-law of the sanctuary's owners, Virginia and Ralph Brauer.

    Animal Haven Ranch, about 30 miles east of Bakersfield, has held state permits to shelter exotic animals since 1985. It is allowed to house up to nine primates at one time and is home to one spider monkey and six chimpanzees.

    "A big part of the investigation will be figuring out whether the owners were in compliance with regulations," Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander said.

    State wildlife and county health authorities were testing the chimps for rabies and other diseases that could affect the victims' health, Chealander said.

    Davis, 62, and his wife, LaDonna Davis, 64, were visiting the sanctuary to celebrate the birthday of a 39-year-old chimpanzee, Moe, who was taken from their home in 1999 after biting off part of a woman's finger.

    The couple had brought Moe a cake and were standing outside his cage when the two young male chimps, Ollie and Buddy, attacked the man.

    Two other chimps, females named Susie and Bones, also escaped from the cage. They were recovered outside the sanctuary five hours later.

    Susie and Bones could have played a role in the attack, primate experts said.

    "We know that one of the most reliable predictors of increased male aggression is the presence of sexually receptive females," said Jeffrey French, a psychobiologist who studies primate behavior at the University of Nebraska, Omaha.

    The chimps chewed off most of Davis' face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals. Davis was transported to Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he had surgery late Thursday night.

    The medical center would not release any information about Davis' condition on Friday. Hospital spokeswoman Julie Smith said the family requested confidentiality.

    LaDonna Davis was bitten on the hand. She was released from the hospital Friday .

    The Brauers would not speak to reporters, but a family friend gave a statement to The Associated Press, which read, "All of us here at Animal Haven Ranch are praying for the recovery of St. James Davis and LaDonna Davis."

    "This is the only incident in 20 years of operation," the statement said.

    People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have called on Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (news - web sites) to ban private ownership of exotic animals in California, citing the increasing popularity of keeping such animals as pets. The group said there have been more than 90 reported dangerous incidents nationwide involving primates since 1990.
    Last edited by 1CCOSA; 07 Mar 2005 at 08:44 PM.

  2. cool!
    Quote Originally Posted by rezo
    Once, a gang of fat girls threatened to beat me up for not cottoning to their advances. As they explained it to me: "guys can usually beat up girls, but we are all fat, and there are a lot of us."

  3. #3
    Yeah, I saw that on tv just a bit ago. It is pretty fucked up. They tried to drag him off.

  4. Oh yeah, forgot this from Mr. Davis after Moe (their former chimp they went to visit) chewed a lady's finger back in 1999:

    "Animals bite, people bite, Mike Tyson bites. So what?" he said.
    Ha. Bet that isn't his attitude now.

  5. #5
    Just be glad that they weren't bonobos. They would have killed him, and then raped his dead body... as well as anyone else in the room who wanted some.

  6. Quote Originally Posted by Andrew
    Yeah in a "my left nut just cried out in anguish" kinda way.

    Just be glad that they weren't bonobos. They would have killed him, and then raped his dead body... as well as anyone else in the room who wanted some.
    EDIT: Has that seriously happened to a human before?

    And in case it wasn't clear....

    I feel like making a freeware chimp survival game.
    Last edited by 1CCOSA; 07 Mar 2005 at 08:28 PM.

  7. I have a decent story about Orangatans, I'm watching a movie now though, I'll tell it later.

  8. #8
    Giltch Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Dylan1CC
    I feel like making a freeware chimp survival game.
    DO IT!!!

  9. I wonder who would win in a fight.

    Tony Jaa or a tag team of chimps.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ex Ranza View Post
    Halverson had me totally convinced of Cybermorph's greatness, I'll tell you that much.

    Then I got a Jag, took it home, and something seemed... not right.

  10. I tend to agree... Cimps really aren't very funny at all.
    You sir, are a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.


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