F-Chan Goes To The Zoo: Super Happy Bestiality Circus 2DX

**Kev** · 17 Nov 2005, 06:19 PM

I've been exposed to some horrifyingly bad shit in my day: The Avengers: The Movie,toddler shit, trash dumpsters, carcasses, Carrot Top... shit that you just can't make fun of, because it does a far superior job of making fun of itself. I mean, shit that Mystery Science Theater 3000 would go, "Fuck, not much to say here". I've also had the displeasure of witnessing the radioactive waste and babies train wreck that is Love Dolls, and I can thank that for completely destroying a great deal of the respect I once had for the nation of Japan.

That's why this monstrosity is oh so special.

Being that I recently purchased way too many Japanese Saturn games, Chux must have thought that I was a big, bloated, steaming F-Chan like himself. So after an very interesting episode of why this dude is at my house, I humor him. I mean, I've only seen the Pantera DVD about a bazillion times, it can wait, right?

And then it occured.

So I'm playing this game, right? And trust me, it's not even really a game. It's one of those FMV pieces of shit. First, the 'gameplay'. Just press a button when the screen darkens. That's it. Not any particular button at all, just press anything on the gamepad. Sure, awesome skill-based gameplay there.

As for the movie itself... see, this is why the police exist. You basically play this girlish-boy thing. I don't know what it's exact sex is, it looks like a boygirl. I mean, for real. What the fuck? I don't know what the kanji was, but I called this mangirlstrosity "Pat".

So theres footage of this "Pat" creature walking around this zoo. You see giraffes, you see cows (why cows are in the zoo, I don't know). Then you see shit like aliens. Both the big headed green kind, and the H.R. Giger aliens. And you also see a whole bunch of shit that looks vaguely like octopi, but like they were drawn when someone was on acid while watching Jacob's Ladder.

So, not a lick of English, it's shitty FMV, and every two minutes or so, this game almost freezes up, it looks like, until I press a button.

"So what's so great about this?" I ask.
"Just, just keep watching" Chux says excitedly.

And that's when I see it. This ladyboymangirl thing is indeed some freakish hermafrowhatever. I go to turn it off, and I hear this infantile scream, so I take my hand off the power button. What I saw, no human being should ever have to witness. Take every shitty hentai you've ever heard of, mix it with music that sounds like some five year old monkey took a doodoo on a keyboard, and then put the package onto a video the size of a DVD case, and with all the definition and quality of a VHS tape from '79, and you have this horrid, horrid nightmare. I eventually did dislodge this piece of Hell itself from my Saturn, and then prayed to God that my Saturn wouldn't melt from having Satan in CD form inside of it. Then I kicked Chux out of my house.

Unfortunately, he left this spine carded Angel of Damnation in my house. I'd chuck it down the sewer were it belongs, but I'm afraid to touch it. It's icky.

Anybody want a Saturn FMV thing with a spine card?

The only numerical score I can give this game is 666. It's fucking evil, and a sign of the end times. Fuck this game, and fuck you Chux for bringing this piece of the tenth level of hell into my awareness.