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Thread: What's That Game: Steam Review Edition

  1. What's That Game: Steam Review Edition

    Sometimes I like to read negative steam reviews of beloved games to see if I can blow capillaries in my dumb face. Maybe we could make it a game.

    It would only work for one game at a time since 1., it would be helpful to include a few reviews and 2., multiple games in one post means walls of text. I have five or six of these ready to go. I could post them when someone gets the answer to the last for a while, but it might be fun if the person who guesses right first marshals a few negative steam reviews of a game the rest of us could guess. We could keep going until the winner doesn't feel like doing it, which I'm guessing will take exactly one post, but here goes.

    Again, these are three bad reviews for the same good game. They're verbatim aside from the redaction of references to the game's title and other giveaways.

    Review 1:
    ___ should be an amazing game. It has the gameplay of the original ___ but with more enemies, weapons, bug fixes, etc. It starts off very strong and stays that way for the first few levels. However, it falls flat on its face with horrible, confusing level design that makes me want to blow my brains out while playing. I'm not a walkthrough gamer, but I had to look up one for half of these ♥♥♥♥ing levels if I didn't want to go on a three year scavenger hunt through every room I've traversed so far.


    Review 2:
    Quit at the last level. A total step down from the first game with level design that left me scratching my head and wandering around in circles for more time than actually fighting demons. New enemies like the ____ and the _____ were a total pain to deal with and made combat brutal, in an un-fun, agonizing way. By the time I got to the final boss I was so throughly finished wit this game's antics that I decided I was not going to finish it. Not a terrible game by any means, and I can certainly see why this was considered great at the time of release, but my personal prefrences and age meant that the game ultimately fell flat for me.


    Review 3:
    old and bad

  2. #2
    Doom 2?

  3. Yeah based on review 2 that has to be doom 2
    You sir, are a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.

  4. Yep!

    Here is another.

    ---
    I didn't play _____ the original so take that into account when reading this review. There has been a lot of good things said about this game and I gather that this was one of the more defining games of the early ___ series. I don't think this game has aged well at all. The models are awful and the game is so primitive I honestly can't tell what's going on most of the time. I couldn't figure out how to save. You have to get through like over an hour of cut scenes and scripted fights before you are even given the option and even then I couldn't figure it out. Unless you have played the original ____ and want to re-experience game for the nostalgic feelings, you probably won't enjoy this game. I think I bought this game on sale which is why it is in my inventory. I wouldn't recommend playing this even if it was free.
    ----
    Why the hell is there a mandatory online login for an offline single player video game that came out in the 90s???


    The game is great. The company that owns it sucks.


    This is why people pirate your games you idiots.
    ---
    When you launch the game you have to sign in with your ___ account because why wouldn't you put DRM on a 20 year old game that you made your money on 50 times over?
    ---
    -Characters faces are bugged. All eyes are open, even if they're sleeping. All mouths are gaping, which looks ridiculous after a time.

  5. #5
    I'm not sure about this one, that's like every early 3d PC game!

  6. Two more for the same game:

    ---
    Everyone says this is the best ___, but this is probably the worst:
    *outdated graphics
    *seriously the backgrounds are jpegs
    ---
    Much has been made about ___, and just about none of it is actually true. This game has aged rather poorly. The story is disjointed and incoherent. . . . I don't want a perfect character by any means, but I don't want to feel like I'm playing a complete and total ♥♥♥♥ing screw-up like _____ . The enemy design is on par with preschool cavemen drawings and the music is mostly hit or miss . . . . Don't get me started on the overworld crap.


  7. Nope

  8. well, that's what I'd have written had I reviewed Diablo II.

  9. Age of Empires 2 HD?
    You sir, are a hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.

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