My heart is broken
I am not fear
My tom-tom heals you
I am not fear
-Annonymous
Greetings, gentlemen and gentlewomen.
I'm not the youngest bloke around the parts, no! quite the contrary, in fact. I've been to the icy corners of Tallows, fought off the busy bears of Brown Town, and escaped the Terrors of Blasphemy, only to face more pitfalls and perils I can't even begin to recount. But all of those tales aren't the reason why I sit here tonight banging away on my word processor with a bottle of rum and Josy my darling pup by my side. Tonight I'm here to tell you a startling, fantastical tale concerning a certain Treasure beat-em-up and my journey through the West African congo. So, please have a seat, make yourself at home, and open your ears. This should be fun.
Part One: Hell and Back
Upon receiving my boat tickets I felt the need to celebrate with my old vice and yours, morphine. She didn't have the same punch as before, but I'm not one to give up on an old love. Afterwards, I had a hunger in my belly and decided to treat myself to Brouquett's sugar cookies (another vice, I suppose). With crumbs all over my vest, I searched for my handkerchief to remove the unsightly mess and stumbled upon Guardian Heroes. It wasn't a handerkerchief, but it certainly took my mind off of my unkempt appearance!
And as luck would have it, the game is splendid. Fighting back hordes of no-nos and beasties got this video game player highly enthused (almost reminds me of my times in the trenches! How apropos!). Oops, I seem to have developed a case of Plumber's Mouth, i.e. I haven't even told you what the game is about!!
You control a number of misfits, mages, maidens, and motioners to save their land from the evil forces who seek to destroy it. Along the way you encounter a rather curious fellow; a golden zombie knight! Such a ghastly sight would frighten even the most hardened adventurer, but worry not, you can put those fears away for he is a friendly fiend and will aid you on your quest.
Part Two: Ladies in the Wake
A knock on the door snapped me to attention and caused me to drop the controller on poor, faithful Josy. "The devil better be behind my door! Anyone else will meet a most unpleasant fate, I can assure you!" I bellowed. The door, being the impatient prude that it is, opened without my permission and came crashing down on top of my plump frame. Shaken, I look up to see just what kind of monster would commit just an act and am met by a steel boot between the eyes. Then? Yes, you guessed correctly...darkness...
I awoke in the back of a small boat traveling down a river, walled with thick jungle trees. The sounds of the river were no comfort, that's for certain. Leaning over the side as best I could (I was tied to another poor sap, you see), I gazed into the brown, unwelcoming water and wondered if that was where I would end up. One of my captors was present and seemed displeased in my curiousity, feeling the need to strike me across the cheek with his rifle. He smiled a wicked smile and remarked, "So you are the one who is a fan of the shmups, ah?" I smiled back as wicked as I could muster (not nearly as wicked as his smile, but it had to suffice) and replied with a "I've been known to dabble in the genre, yes."
The bloke behind me chokes back something awful and throws in a "Sports games are king!" The captive with the wicked smile barks orders at his comrades and cuts the fellow from the rope that binds us together. He shoots the poor boy in the face. "You liking the Madden now? Bahhah! Bahhahah!" I swallow and gaze back into the water as if it had the answer to my problems.
The man with the wicked smile pulls me up to his face and barks "You like this Guardian Heroes?!"
I slowly nod.
"It is fun?!" he yells.
I nod.
"Bottom line?!"
I swallow and comment. "With multiple characters and endings, the replay value is off the charts! Coupled with the distinct graphics style and catchy tunes, you've got another great beat-em-up for your Sega Saturn system!"
That review was...interesting. Not the bad kind of interesting, but rather, the good kind of interesting with a bit of the odd and confusing types of interesting mixed in as well.
Wow the last time I saw writing this good was when I was doing an RPG in the RP/FF boards of GameFaqs, seeing Gieza write, one of the best writers I've ever seen. Nice, not to mention your exactly right on this game.
Sausage-in-training
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