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Thread: The 1st TNL Epic: The Search for TeamGO Part 1: The Meeting

  1. The 1st TNL Epic: The Search for TeamGO Part 1: The Meeting

    Re-posted for your pleasure. Keep an eye out for part 2, coming soon. But first, go here: and fill out some info if you want a cameo in the epic

    (Our story opens on a warm Summer day in Delaware, where the members of TeamGO have gathered…)

    TeamGO Members: *monotonely* Hi. We’re in Delaware…

    (*ahem* ANYways, they have gathered for their first meeting to discuss their progress on the project at hand. Spiff, Icarus, Shingo, BS, dAMON, Z-roe, Gehn, Alan, Krad, QuinnFox, and Hero sit at an executive table, with Richter at the head.)

    Richter: I hearby call to order this first meeting of the members of TeamG...


    Silent others: ......

    Shingo: Heeheehee...

    Richter: Spiff, if you would please...

    Spiff: Right... *whacks Shingo over head with staff*

    Shingo: Heehee...*thud*

    Richter: Thank you. ANYway, on this first meeting of TeamGO we will first dicuss...

    Gehn: Wait a minute...where are the pretzels?

    Richter: Pretzels?

    Gehn: Pretzels. Rold Gold preferably. I can't think properly unless I have some pretzels first.

    Richter: Umm...well, we don't have any pretzels.


    Silent Richter: .....

    Gehn: Sorry, like I said, I get a little testy if I don't eat some pretzels.

    Richter: Err...right. Spiff...

    Spiff: Yup...*whacks Ghen over head with staff*

    Gehn: Heheh, that tickles!

    Spiff: Huh? *grips staff harder and takes Mark McGwire-esque swing at Ghen's head*

    Gehn: Heh, stop that! I have a metal plate in my head, you'll split your staff if you keep that up.

    Spiff: Dammit, momma said knock you out, so ahm gonna knock you out, sucka!

    Richter: Momma?

    Spiff: *grabs Icarus and starts butting his head against Gehn's*

    Ghen: Spiff...your getting Icarus' blood on me...

    Spiff: DAMMIT!!! *drops Icarus and pulls Beretta out from shoulder holster and points it at Gehn* Knock yourself out...

    Gehn: Umm...right. *uses Vulcan Deathgrip on self* *thud*

    Richter: Spiff that was a little...cruder than I expected.

    Spiff: Yes sir, it won't happen again sir. I'll practice more on the homeless people you chained up in the dungeon for me.

    Richter: See that you do. *cough* Now, is there anything ELSE?

    (Wildcat bursts through the door carrying bags of food to go, and a grocery bag full of various items in his clenched teeth)

    Wildcat: Mmmph! Mmmmmph!

    Richter: Wildcat, drop the grocery bag in your mouth first.

    Wildcat: Mph. *drops grocery bag on table* Ahh...anyway, guys, here's the chow.

    Krad: About damn time.

    Wildcat: Hey, its not MY fault Z-roe's a vegetarian...or Alan's Catholic and today's a Friday during Lent...or dAMON won't eat anything unless it has curry powder in or on it...

    dAMON: That's RED curry powder.

    Wildcat: Right...or Quinn who's prejudiced against all races and won't eat anything that isn't cooked by someone with no specific ethnic background.

    Richter: where exactly did you have to go?

    Wildcat: Oh...well, I, ah, err, wasn't far, umm, *trails off*

    Spiff: What was that?

    Wildcat: Just a little out of the way place I know...

    Richter: HOW out of the way?

    Wildcat: In the Bronx...


    Wildcat: HEY! It was the only resturant I knew that served vegetarian Indian cuisine cooked by orangutangs descended from other orangutangs whom had been trained in the culinary arts by Mohandas Ghandi.

    Richter: OK...what's in the grocery bag?

    Wildcat: Oh, lessee, a bottle of Absolut Vodka Mandarin Orange flavour and some maximum strength Viagra for Hero...

    Hero: HEY! Ixnay on the Viagra-ey...

    Silent others: .....

    Hero: I get a buzz when I take it with the booze, OK!

    Wildcat: ...and a bag of Rold Gold Pretzels for Gehn...HOLY CRAP WHAT HAPPENED TO GEHN?!?

    Spiff: He, uhh, was practicing the Vulcan Death Grip on himself and he sorta went a bit overboard...

    Wildcat: Is he breathing?

    Richter: Does it matter? The food's here, lets eat!

    (Wildcat opens the bag of pretzels and crams a handful into Gehn's mouth, they all then proceed to stuff their faces.)

    Spiff: Not bad...dAMON, how's the chow?

    dAMON: Not enough red curry powder in this crab juice...

    Wildcat: That's disgusting...

    dAMON: Really? Well, you obviously haven't tried it yet.

    Wildcat: That's why I'm still alive. Really, dAMON, how can you eat all that curry powder?

    dAMON: I can't help it, it runs in my veins.

    Wildcat: Really? Your parents ate ungodly amounts of it too?

    dAMON: No, it really DOES run through my veins. See? *pricks tip of finger and red curry powder starts pouring out*

    Wildcat: *BLECH* (Ed note-That's the sound of throwing up)

    Spiff: Eww...

    Richter: dAMON! We're trying to eat here! Stop spilling that spicy red condiment you use as blood all over the table!

    dAMON: Right boss. *band-aids wound*

    Wildcat: I think...I've appetite. I'm gonna go get some fresh air.

    (Wildcat stumbles outside and takes in deep breaths of the crisp Delawarian air and tries to forget the circus sideshow going on above him. Its then he notices a suspicious-looking man slowly approaching the building...suspicious because he wears a pitch-black cloak which covers him from head to foot.)

    Wildcat: Hmmm?

    (The man brushes past Wildcat and into the building...)

    Wildcat: And I thought California fashions were weird, East Coast people, always trying to be different...

    (The man stops in front of the door to TeamGO's office, carrying a wooden chair he drug up from the lobby. From his cloak, he procures a small canister, and slowly opens the door.)

    Hero: *standing precariously on table* And so I tells him..."Thanks but please get your hands off my crotch, Father." HAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Richter: I think you've had enough to drink, Hero. And no one here's amused by your clergy molestation humor. In fact, Alan looks right he's 'bout ready to stab you in the eye with his rosary.

    Alan: *whittling knife out, sharpening end of cross* Patience, Lord, I'll be sending you the soul of the infidel in a moment...

    Spiff: I told you letting Alan join that conservative Christian cult was a bad idea...

    Richter: He needed guidance. And besides, I figured, worst-case scenario, they'd turn out to be one of those UFO-worshipping suicide cults and would take him off our hands permanently.

    Spiff: That's so cold bro...I'm proud of you! It’s that brutal, cold-hearted efficiency of yours that makes you our fearless leader.

    Richter: Stop...your making me blush.

    (At this point the man at the door pops open the canister and tosses it in the room, slams the door, and props the chair against the doorknob.)

    Richter: What the hell?

    (Smoke starts filling up the room.)

    Spiff: *COUGH* It's gas!


    Z-roe: We gotta get outta...sleepy...*thud*

    BS: AH, THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!...BS, I tell*thud*

    Alan: With the Divine Spirit watching over me, I will be able to breath these fumes in as though they were oxygen and not be affected in the least! *inhales deeply* See? *thud*

    Krad: This is my only line in this part of the epic? What a gyp... *thud*

    Quinn: The gas isn't the problem. Those fucking apes put something in that food! Never trust an orangutan I say! Damn them all! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!!! *thud*

    Shingo: *still out cold from earlier*

    Gehn: *ditto*

    Icarus: *ditto ditto*

    Spiff: something.... *thud*

    Richter: *COUGH* Gotta get us outta here...

    (With the last of his strength, Richter reaches for his ball 'n chain whip, rears it back, and snaps it forward shattering and splintering the wooden door into a thousand pieces. He thrusts himself forward out into the hallway, clear of the gas.)

    Richter: *GASP* Oh, sweet, sweet oxygen...

    ????: Mreheh...

    (Richter looks up and sees the cloaked man standing before him, chuckling in a deep, creepy, and wholly unnatural-sounding voice.)

    Richter: Did you do this you bastard!? Well, obviously you haven't gotten the job done, because I'm still conscious. And now I'm gonna lay an asswhupping on ya, vampire hunter-style!

    ????: Mreheh...

    (With Cheetah-like speed, the cloaked man sprint's forward and drills Richter in the crotch with a fierce right hook.)


    Richter: *smirks* Thankfully, I'm wearing my chain mail boxers today. Now, EAT THIS!

    (Richter again rears back his ball and chain whip and cracks it forward; the cloaked man deftly dodges it and sprints forward again, and delivers a hard kick to Richter's right-hand.)

    Richter: OUCH!! *drops whip* Dammit...he's too fast for me to nail him with the whip, gonna have to go hand-to-hand. *grabs Balisong (AKA Butterfly Knife) from tool belt (vampire hunters don't leave home without one! -Ed.)*

    ????: Mreheh...

    Richter: Think its funny, huh? Well, you won't be laughing after I cut you up, bitch!

    (Richter lunges forward with the blade, narrowly missing the cloaked man's face, but tearing the hood from his cloak.)

    Richter: No...its...its YOU! could you do this? Why? WHY?!

    ????: Mreheh...

    Richter: You will answer me. And if I have to get the answers from you the hard way, so be it...

    (Richter takes a forehand slash at the man, and again, he dodges with ease. Before he can recover, the man grab's his arm and thrusts the knife into the wall, delivers several knees to Richter's gut as he finally relents his grip on the blade.)

    Richter: I'd heard. But I'm not too shabby myself.

    (Rich spins around and throws a roundhouse at the man's head; his leg is caught before it connects. The man spins him around onto the ground, grabs his head, and nails it against the wall.)

    Richter: Uhhh...W...Wildcat...

    (Wildcat looks on horrified, having just come up on the elevator to see the end of a very one-sided fight.)


    (The cloaked man delivers a final chop to the back of Richter's neck, as he slowly loses consciousness he sees Wildcat backing up slowly. The man raises his head and glares menacingly at his new prey.)

    Wildcat: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!! *turns and runs like hell*

    (Several days later: Seattle, Washington [state, not the capital, for the geographically-challenged. -Ed.] Master and EThugg walk out of a Starbucks sipping their frappuccinos)

    Master: No!

    EThugg: Oh, come ON man!

    Master: I said NO, I am NOT gonna fucking sneak you into my job so you can try out the games in beta testing!

    EThugg: Then you leave me no choice...

    Master: No..NO, NOT THAT!

    EThugg: *puppy dog eyes* PWEASE?!?

    Master: Oh, EThugg when you look at me like that I...ARGH! I SAID NO!

    EThugg: DAMMIT! *breaking out into hives*

    Master: *cell phone rings* Hold on, got a call. Hello?....Wildcat?! Calm down, calm down, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the meeting but that's no reason to yell at m....WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?! Oh my God...are you ok? Alright...calm down dude, it'll be OK. Just stay where you are, we're coming to get you... Wait...if this is a joke man, I swear to God I'm gonna...alright...alright don't worry, I believe you. We're coming, just hang on.

    EThugg: Ah... *scratches self* What's up man?

    Master: That was Wildcat, he says the rest of TeamGO has been kidnapped by someone!

    EThugg: *now getting the shakes* R...really?

    Master: Yeah...and from the sounds of things, they mean business. One guy just took out the entire team by himself. We're gonna need help on this one. Gonna have to call on some friends...Team TNL to be exact.

    EThugg: *remaining withdrawal symptoms now hitting in full force*

    Master: Good God, man! Did you even HEAR a word I said? Your not still thinking about that X-Box shit are you?

    EThugg: Ah..I...can't help it...I NEED IT!!! GIVE IT TO ME, MAN!!! JUST ONE HIT! AH'LL SUCK YO DICK!!!

    Master: What did you say?!


    Master: Hmmm...

    (And so concludes Part One of "The Search for TeamGO". Who is this mysterious cloaked man and for what purpose did he kidnap TeamGO? Will Team TNL have anyway to combat such a threat? And will dAMON ever get over his red curry powder fetish or EThugg over his Microsoft addiction? All these and more to be answered...maybe. Stay tuned...)
    omg TNL epics!

  2. For the love of god!

    All I do is get hit?!? I thought I had a bit more of an impact as a person than that.

    I'm gonna start a depression topic.
    Boo, Hiss.

  3. Will I ever apprear on the pages of this great piece of fiction?

  4. Originally posted by andyrose
    Err, no typo error. Dagnabit, and I thought I got them all in the revision and spellcheck. *sigh* Don't worry andy, I'll be fitting you in at some point during the epic
    omg TNL epics!

  5. Hey, yeah, don't mind me, I've only designed the main ship for TeamGO's first project.

    No respect.

  6. Bacon, I thought I added you to the member list that I sent Rag....but I guess not. I have a feeling you're going to get special treatment

  7. Good stuff guys! it never gets old! hahahahaha
    I would like to join this team of yours! or at least be in an Epic or two
    You can never be one of the dead, because something that has no existence can have no community.



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