Jokes that have nothing to do with Tropico

[Gigo]

Ok, so the jokes probably won't involve Tropico, but hey... i want to post this stuff in a busy forum, and The Night Club at the moment is busier than The Arena.  So if you don't like how I posted this in the Night Club, too bad.  Anyways, without further adu (don't mind the spelling) may I present...
Jokes that have absolutly nothing to do with Tropico!

[DonaMaria]

One good pic deserves another...Happy Halloween!

[Gigo]

And another good pic deserves yet another...

[MadamPresident]

That last one was TOO funny gigo!  

I'll add my bit These are all from Hollywood Squares(boy I love that show). Some of these remind me of people on here hehehe:

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? Paul Lynde: He's out of town

2. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? Charley Weaver: Not drinking

3. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them

Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests

4. Do female frogs croak? Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water

5. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake

[MadamPresident]

This is for all those people who keep complaining about "proper language".

How To Rite Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ''I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[Coffeebean]

LOL LOL LOL - Love the polar bears. Dona, that picture's hysterical, is that your front yard? That baby's face! ROFLOL.
And the "How to Right Good" LOL Thanks all for the laughs.

[BrodyKoga]

Have you ever stopped to read instruction labels on products?
Here are some things you can find on instruction labels.

ON A HAIR DRYER
    Do not use while sleeping
ON A BAG OF FRITOS
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
    Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
    Dierecions: use like regular soap
ON A FROZEN DINNER
    serving suggestion: defrost
ON A HOTEL_PROVIDED SHOWER CAP
    fits one head
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT
    Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the
    box)
ON MARKS&SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
    Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
    do not iron clothes on body
ON BOOT"S CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
    do not drive cars or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (a brand of sleeping tablet)
    Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
    Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE_MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
   for indoor or outdoor use only
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
   Not to be used for the other use
ON SAINSBURY"S PEANUTS
   Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
   Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
   Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

[MadamPresident]

Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes numerous design revisions.
Finally releases a product that doesn't suck.



The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.

He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"

The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."

They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"

The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?"



There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything

he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally

he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God"

[DonaMaria]

ROFLMAOPIMP!!!!!  Oh these are all tooooo funny!  Keep 'em coming!

(and no coffee...not my yard....just a pic that appeared in my email)  

[MadamPresident]

Wasn't there some thread about a resume :

Bob was applying for a job at an accounting agency. So he filled out the resume and sent it. When the boss of the accounting agency read the letter, everything was sounding good. When he got to the part that asks "What are your achievements?"

Bob answered, "I may already be a winner of 21,000,000 dollars."



This one is one of my favotires:

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

''Where did you get such a great bike?''asked the first. The second engineer replied ''Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'''

The second engineer nodded approvingly ''Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.''



Heh maybe I could apply for Cafe Tropico JokesPerson

[Mike]

3 reasons why lawyers are better for experimenting on than lab rats

1.  There are more lawyers than rats.

2.  Nobody gets attached to the lawyers.

3.  There are just some things that you just can't get a rat to do.

------------------------------------------------------------
REAL BUMPER STICKERS

Keep Honking, I'm Reloading

Horn Broken: Watch For Finger

Dyslexics Have More Fnu

I support publik edukayshun

Support Bacteria:  It's The Only Culture Some People Have

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

I Used To Be Indecisive, Now I'm Not Sure

Your Kid May Be An Honor Student, But You're Still An Idiot

SUBURBIA: Where They Tear Down The Trees And Name Streets After Them

I Doubt, Therefore I Might Be

I Used To Be Indecisive, Now I'm Not Sure

No Sense Being Pessimistic, It Wouldn't Work Anyway

[MadamPresident]

Doctor's diet
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. ''I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.''

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. ''Why, that's amazing!'' the doctor said, ''Did you follow my instructions?''

The woman nodded. ''I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.''

''From hunger, you mean?''

''No, from skipping.''



A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, " 'Bout what? "




An Professor is doing an experiment on a frog. He cuts off a leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" The frog jumps. The professor takes note of this and cuts off another leg. Again he says, "Jump frog jump!" With difficulty the frog jumps. Writing this down he cuts off another leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" Somehow the frog manages to jump. The professor then cuts off the last leg and says, "Jump frog jump!"

The frog doesn't jump. Again the professor says, "Jump frog jump!" Still the frog doesn't jump. He came to the conclusion that a frog with no legs is deaf.

[MadamPresident]

Questions are asked by lawyers.
Answers are given by witnesses.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
A: No.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ATTORNEY: (in the middle of a long cross-examination):
Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep.
THE COURT: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Tech Support: 'What does the screen say now.'

Person: 'It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.'

Tech Support: 'Well?'

Person: 'How do I know when it's ready?'

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - -
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, 'This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.' Comment from person: 'How do they know what size screen I have?'

[MadamPresident]

Oldie but goodie:

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got Internet Access Access to Cafe Tropico!"

[BrodyKoga]

Always stop to smell the roses....and sooner or later you will inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, turn the other cheek.... nothing gets the point across quite as well as a good mooning

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing this elevator with a lot of bright people.

It is always darkest before the dawn...... so if you are going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it!

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown.....and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it cant be blamed on someone else.

If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

My father always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why some of us have died of tuberculosis

When I am feeling down, I like to whistle......It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of its chain and gag itself

[BrodyKoga]

Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. The three accountants dutifully buy one ticket apiece and are puzzled when they see the three engineers buy only one ticket.

'How are you going to get three people on a train with only one ticket?" asks one of the accountants
'Watch and learn" says one of the engineers.
The accountants take their seat, and watch as the three engineers pile into one of the bathrooms and close the door behind them.

The trains starts on its way, and the conductor starts collecting tickets from the passengers. He gets to the bathroom containing the engineers, and says "ticket please." A single arm is extended with the engineers ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw what happened, and agreed that it was a slick trick. After the conference, they decide to try the engineers trick. So for the return trip, they purchase a single ticket.

To their astonishment, the three engineers dont buy a ticket at all! "How are you going to travel without any ticket at all?" asks one of the perplexed accountants. "Watch and see!" says one of the engineers.

So as the train boards, the three accountants pile into one of the bathrooms. The three engineers pile into another nearby.
The train departs.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers comes out of their bathroom and knocks on the door of the bathroom with the accountants and says "ticket please"

[MadamPresident]

Good ones Brody

Some techie ones heh:
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.' The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'

Tech Support: 'How much free space do you have on your hard drive?' Customer: 'Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?'

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: 'I'd like a mouse mat, please.' Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.' Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'

Customer: 'Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?'

Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?' Tech Support: 'Yeah.' Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?' Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'

Customer: 'My computer crashed!' Tech Support: 'It crashed?' Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.' Tech Support: 'Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.' Customer: 'No, it didn't crash -- it crashed.' Tech Support: 'Huh?' Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.' Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'' Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'

[MadamPresident]

180 seconds!! and this when I actually have something I actually _want_ to post!!

ARGGGGHH!!!

One of my favorites

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'."

[DonaMaria]

Ok..here's one that's going around my office...

[BrodyKoga]

A candaian guy, Osama Bin Laden, and President Bush were walking in the desert one day when they stumble upon a lamp.
When they rubbed it, out popped a genie. He said 'I have been imprisoned in that lamp for 5000 years! For releasing me, I will grant you each one wish.
The canadian thinks for a minute, then replies "I am a farmer, My father is a farmer, and my grandfather before him was a farmer. When my son grows up, he will be a farmer too. I wish that you could make it so Canada will always be the most fertile farmland in the world." The genie makes a wave of his hand, and poof! Canada is transformed to the world's richest farmland.
Osama Bin Laden thinks for a minute and says "I want you to create am impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, so no jews or infidels can spoil my homeland." The genie makes a wave of his hand, and poof! a giant wall is created aound Afghanistan.
President Bush asks the genie "I am curious about the wall that you have created. Can you tell me a little more about it?"
The genie replies "The wall is 25000 feet high, and 10,000 feet thick. It is virtually impenetrable. Nothing can get in or out"
President Bush thinks for a second then says "Excellent! For my wish, could you fill it with water?"

[MadamPresident]

This is a hillarious interview with Phil Steinmeyer:
http://www.quartertothree.com/features/interviews/steinmeyer/steinmeyer.shtml

Made me laugh anyway

[robbo]

[Tortoise35591]

Ok, here's some bumb blonde jokes...

 What do a dumb blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

  What do you do when a dumb blonde throws a grenande at you? You pull the pin out and throw it right back.

   Finally, if a dumb blonde and a brunett both jumped off of a building at the same time, who'd hit the groung first? The brunett because the dumb blonde would have to stop to ask directions.

BTW, if any of you are blondes out there I didn't mean to insult you. I was talking about those stupid blondes that guys always want to go out with. Just wanted to tell you that.

[Morticcia]

Here's one for the ladies...almost forgot to edit it..

[Eddy]

Hey!  

How did you get a hold of my senior class pic!