Dancing Slippers for the Bloodthirsty

[Coconut Kid]

There really needs to a second thread on this board.

I have a hard time picturing the sales transaction of a rough, tough killer pirate obtaining dancing slippers in a Tavern.

"Aragh, SLIPPERS? You skirvy ridden son of a stinking tanner, to fit your feet they must be the size of Red Indian canoes! Pitty be to any personage within two yards of you when you be prancing about in them whilst music is a-playin'."

 

[Eddy]

I can just imagine this...

Dread Pirate Eddy:  Yaarrrgh!  I be needing a pair of your footwear!

Clerk:  Certainly.  Would you be interested in the stomping boots of death or the leather boots of sneaking?

Dread Pirate Eddy:  Erm, well matey, I was thinking of dancing slippers.

Pete the Pungent Pirate Parrot looks disgusted and flaps his wings.

Clerk:  Hey fellas, get of load of this, this so-called pirate wants dancing slippers!

(the other pirates all start laughing as do the other salesclerks)

Dread Pirate Eddy:  Yarrgh!  To the depths of the sea with all of you.

(Eddy walks out of the shoppe)

Clerk:  Hey, don't forget your slippers!  Can I interest you in a tutu?

(Everyone starts laughing more.)

Dread Pirate Eddy:  Yargh, I'm hitting the tavern early tonight.

[Coconut Kid]

Dread Pirate Eddy passes an alley between skirvy ridden shops.

Shadow Figure: Pisssst, Dread Pirate with stinking parrot --- Want to see some dancing slippers?? They are so soft and smooth, and feel so good on your feet that they will curl even your lank, greasy hair.

Dread Pirate Eddy: Yaarrgh! Leave my sti.. gloriously plumbed, er.. plumaged parrot out of this. My hairs are not lank but quite nicely cur.. AArrrgh, your head gives "skin flint" a bad name by its lack of hair. Leave the insults and show your goods -- or feel my sword.

Shadow Figure: Ummmph, Aye Aye me Lordship! All in good time, but please step back where we may enjoy some privacy. Sli.. er.. such goods are not something to be discussed in the middle of the High Street.

Dread Pirate Eddy: Yagrrh, no tricks - my sword is at your back in this dark.

They silently move down the alley to a sunlit spot near the privies at the back of the shops. Pete recognized the seriousness of the moment, and flew into a privy to uncork his plumbing - nearly a first for him.

Dread Pirate Eddy: Yaarrrgh! You skirvy, missirable flinted-headed dog -- show your goods or taste my steel!!

Shadow Figure produces from under his cloak a modest sized roll of red velvet which he unrolls on the ground with a flourish (or whatever).

Shadow Figure: Erm... My Lord, I see in this better light that you are a man of the highest quality. I have laid near to your feet four pair of the finest Dancing Slippers to have been smuggled into the Caribbean through the Iron Curtain of Pirate Ridicule.

A loud noise comes from the privy where Pete retreated. Puuubbbst!!

Shadow Figure: Chhaarrrf. I happened to hear that you planned to go to the tavern early tonight. Mayhap that is because you know that the fairest of the fair will come there to dance tonight. The Gouvernor's daughter. Now with your kind permission, may try these soft and yielding slippers to your glorious feet to find the best fit?

Dread Pirate Eddy: Eerrrm. I suppose there is no other way, but watch where your skirvy fingers wander!!

To be continued.

[Captain Carrrghter]

Falling off my chair laughing... keep up the good work.  

As a swing dancer, I do know the value of proper dancing footwear. Although I prefer the term 'shoes' to 'slippers', thank you very much.  

[Coconut Kid]

Dread Pirate Eddy: Oh my!! Let's just pause with the pair you have now on my feet. They feel so good that I may not go further in life on this earth.

Shadow Figure: But wait My Lord! Do not ......

Dread Pirate Eddy: Ahh... ZZzzzzzzz_{zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz}

Dread Pirate Eddy sinks into a stuporific sleep because this is the best his feet have felt since he nuzzled at his mother's ... well, never mind. You get the picture - he is really relaxed. Of course, the effect on the Shadow Figure is just the opposite. His personal tension mounts to an extreme degree. In modern terms, he now has "hypertension."

Shadow Figure: Oh, my lord! Oh, my chest!! Oh, my head! _{Oh crap....}

Now these two notable figures are slumped, insenseable in the ally behind some business buildings and near to a row of privies. Only Pete the Pirate Parrot retains his senses, such as they are. What will befall them now.

But soft, what sturrings come from the third privy from the left (the one just behind the tailor's shop)?

A high but mellifluously echoing voice: Oh dadgumed me, I forgot a wipe and there's none here! Why I patronize such a simple minded tailor ...

As the voice fades off into mumblings, we survey the scene and wonder, will another author pick up the thread, er.. pen to continue this dramatic tale of piracy? Will the pirate with the best pair of slippers win out? Will the queen of the ball find something suitable to use on her ... Well, there are a number of questions to fiddle with, eh?

[Coconut Kid]

"I thought I would love the new Pirates just as much but loath it, with that stupid dancing thing I don't stand a chance of getting very far and I've virtually given up playing it because of that."

http://dynamic3.gamespy.com/~tropico/cafe/index.php?topic=9433.0

 

Clever Duck, "I avoided buying that pirates game with the dancing."

[The Mad Hatter]

There's a great Ray Stevens bit I heard way back when on the Dr. Demento show, called "The Pirate Song."  The gist of it is that the dread pirate captain Long John Blackbeard Peg-Leg Patch-Eye Hook wants to take his crew pirating and looting and treasure hunting, but one crew member refuses, singing a chorus of this...

   I want to sing and dance!
   I want to sing and dance!
   I want to be a pirate in The Pirates of Penzance!
   With me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiney pants,
   I want to sing and dance!

Every time I play the new Pirates, I can't help but think of this bit...

[Peter Kirby]

If you win every swordfight (I have on Rogue) but have trouble with the dancing (I am just okay at it), consider starting your second game with "Wit & Charm" instead of fencing.  Should give you a little more luck and leeway with the ladies.  And, yes, those dancing slippers do wonders.  Always accept calfskin boots or slippers when offered.  One of my favorite moments so far is when I got a gift from a lady after the ball, some metal armor (even though I'm a married man  ).

Alternatively: beat a hasty retreat whenever you see one of those bonny lasses, as they are not suited to a sea dog like yourself.  Go through the game sacking towns and sinking trade galleons to your heart's content, and get your tips from the wenches in the taverns where you belong.  This is a rather open-ended role playing game, so pick the role that lets you have the most fun.  You could be a pirate hunter or an Indian raider or a buried treasure hunter a trading merchant if you prefer (though, I woud note, there is no peaceful way to acquire ships, you can beat any ship in a sloop with some good swordplay, so you could acquire a frigate or brig from pirates in order to have a trading fleet, or just pick on a European nation other than Spain, to be a trader).  I wonder if you could be an anti-missionary agent and attack the missions.

The other Microprose game that Sid Meier's Pirates reminds me of is "Darklands".  I really wish Firaxis or another company would do a remake of "Darklands", an amazing (for its time) RPG game that sets you in 15th century Germany to learn alchemy, call on saints, defeat robber knights, get stopped on the road by clerics, and do battle with witches (or use more persuasion and stealth to achieve objectives).

Tip: the game is heavily weighted in favor of speedy ships (probably not inaccurate), both for attack and running away, so acquire a nice frigate as soon as possible and make it your permanent flagship.  Then acquire a sloop or barque near the beginning of an expedition for a second quick ighting ship (in case).

best wishes,
Peter Kirby

[Coconut Kid]

Two very nice replies.

Thanks to Captain Carrrghter:
And it's a heave-ho! high-ho!
Comin' down the plains
Stealing oats and barley and all the other grains,
And it's a ho-hey! high-hey!
Farmers bar your doors,
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores!
Aarrrrrrgh, eh?

-Arrogant Worms, "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate"

Now I wonder if there is a verse about Pirate Dancing in Saskatoon? It would probably leave the ladies in a swoon, if not the Pirate himself.

 

[Captain Carrrghter]

Sorry, no dancing.

The song's about a prairie farmer who loses his land and takes up piracy. The Arrogant Worms are a wonderful, proudly C*n*di*n band, with quirky tunes with titles like "Carrot Juice is Murder", "I am Cow", and "Jesus' brother Bob".

Here is the full text of "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate", for your enjoyment.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine
I had a little stretch of land along the C. P. line
But times got tough, and though I tried, the money wasn't there
The bankers came and took my land and told me, "Fair is fair"
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
"Hire you now?" they'd always laugh, "We just let twenty go!" (Ha ha!)
The government, they promised me a measly little sum
But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum

Then I thought, who gives a dadgumed if all the jobs are gone
I'm gonna be a pirate on the river Saskatchewan! (Arr!)

Chorus:
And it's a heave (ho!) hi (ho!), coming down the plains
Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains
And it's a ho (hey!) hi (hey!), farmers bar yer doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores (Arr!)


Well, you'd think the local farmers would know that I'm at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser
I rammed the ship and sank it and I stole the fertilizer
Bridge outside of Moose Jaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear, their stomach's are a-quiver
'Cause they know that Captain Tractor's hiding in the bay
I'll jump the bridge, and knock 'em cold, and sail off with their hay

{Chorus}

Well, Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He'd follow on the shoreline 'cause he didn't own a boat
But the cutbacks were a-comin' and the Mountie lost his job
So now he's sailing with me and we call him Salty Bob
A swingin' sword, a skull-and-bones, and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the GST (Screw it!)
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, the terror of the sea
If you wanna reach the co-op, boy, you gotta get by me! (Arr!)

{Chorus}

Well, the pirate life's appealing but you don't just find it here
I hear in north Alberta there's a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabasca from Smith to Fort MacKay
And you're gonna lose your Stetson if you have to pass their way
Well, winter is a-comin' and a chill is in the breeze
My pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze
I'll be back in springtime, but now I've got to go
I hear there's lots of plunderin' down in New Mexico...

* (Edit) The GST is C*n*d*'s national 7% sales tax (aka the Goods and Services Tax).

[Coconut Kid]

Thanks to them - and thanks to you.

 

[E Strongblade]

Awesome Captain Carrrghter! I had not heard of the Arrogant Worms before entering this *site (*corrected by the sharp eye and ready comment of the Coconut Kid. Thanks Kid!! ) but, based on these fine lyrics, they certainly seem to be the level headed political commentators that I have come to know, love, respect and expect from the great nation of Canada! Obviously, you are a learned man of letters. Your epaulettes must be very fine indeed, arrrg!

[Coconut Kid]

... before entering this sight but ...

Could it be that you mean "site"?

 

[E Strongblade]

Awww. CK...you disappoint me. I truly did not think that a spelling oversite(sic) would actually elicit a comment from you. I sincerely hope that you are not insulted by any of my comments because they were never intended to be received in that way. I LOVE the verbal spar and I LOVE discussing different points of view. I do not have a tendency to take any of it personally and I honestly step forth with ALL of my views believing that anyone who expresses an opposing view will approach it in the same manner. If I hold to a position of any kind, I tend to defend it with whatever knowledge I have of it and will GRACEFULLY BOW TO ANY WHO SUCCESSFULLY PROVE ME WRONG THROUGH THE SHARING OF FACTS. I HAVE been wrong before and no doubt WILL be wrong again. We can't all be Snoopy...

[Coconut Kid]

... I do not have a tendency to take any of it personally ...

Not believable.