Video Games

Sometimes I feel like the Benjamin Button of gaming. I have this compulsion to play a game series in sequential order that keeps me from, say, playing Dynasty Warriors Next on the Vita without playing every musou game ever made first.

First off, why would I want to play DW Next, you ask? Simple: it's on the Vita, and I love that system. I have real feelings for it. You have no right to judge me. I want to play every game that even approaches respectability on the system because ...

After years of robot slashing and off-screen, bloodless stabbings, it might be a little shocking to see Wolverine literally tearing new assholes all over people's bodies. The shock is understandable: He's been mainstreamed and tamed down to PG13 TMNT levels over the past couple of decades, but it's still surprising that there should be any shock at all. What the hell did you think he did with those claws? Protip: He puts them inside people in varied and creative ways as they use their last ...

Developer Other Ocean plumbs deep, so deep, into Paramount's licensing files that they put Herbert George Welles's ass to sleep with a side-scrolling platforming War of the Worlds video game. Using the original novel as a jumping-off point, it tells a parallel story set during the novel's alien invasion featuring excellent visuals based on the 1953 movie adaptation.

You take control of Arthur Clarke (not that one), a man in search of his family amidst the general devastation wreaked ...

Now this... This takes me back.

High school days at the local arcade; a smoky and rough hive of villainy and scum, but the only place you could play Street Fighter 3 until the Dreamcast version years later. I don't know if those were specifically "the" days, but they were days to be sure: Days full of wonder, adventure, and really horrible people that had to basically sit on your lap to play against you. If you beat someone with sweeps alone they could punch you right ...

I found an old muffin in my backpack once: A forgotten breakfast gone undiscovered for how long? I couldn't remember. It certainly looked appetizing enough through its Saran Wrappings; a cornucopia of sweet glaze and blueberries. I think nuts may have been involved. Point is, shit was looking good and I was hungry. I slowly unfurled the flimsy plastic and brought it to my nose for a cautious sniff, its sweet scent eagerly filling my nostrils. That was all I required, we were good to go. ...

I am all about digging through the backlog hill of shit that is video game history, snuffing out the classic truffles, cleaning them up a bit with my hypothetical pig-man arms, putting quite a bit of HD makeup on them to make them pretty, pretty whores, sprinkling some achievement cocaine on their asses and going to town in their Xbox 360 hole.

God, that sounds awful. I should quit analogies forever.

The point is: I really like these cheap (as in cost) classic game ...

You know what's depressing? When I fired this up on my Wii, the title screen read "Nintendo 2001." That makes me feel incredibly old and dying.

ANYWAY, what can you really say about this game except Nintendo RTS-lite? And fun. I'm just really, really happy that they didn't try to cram an existing character into this and went with an original universe. They could easily have made this starring Mario, Kirby, or maybe even Captain Falcon. You know Nintendo would do this. ...

Oh Silicon Knights! You were pretty good there for a while, with your Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain and Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Rectum! Then you ruined Metal Gear and started off the Too Human trilohahahahaha I cannot even finish that. Basically what I am trying to say is

NOW YOU ARE AWFUL

But back then you weren't! With the magic of my magical pile of magic shame and the magic of my magically continuously decaying gray matter I can travel to the distant past and experience ...

If you are expecting House of the Dead with zombies lasjflsflakf

If you are expecting House of the Dead with scientist zombies no they had that, too, fuck

Wait. Ok.

If you are expecting pretty much exactly House of the Dead, you will be disappointed. This, aside from the similarities inherent to occupying the same genre, is nothing like HotD. It does however make you feel like you are playing a Resident Evil gun game and since I assume that is what ...

Hey you guys, what is up? Do you remember when Nintendo made Super Mario Bros., and it was actually kind of hard? That last Hammer Brother in Bowser's for reals castle

still
haunts
my
dreams.

Remember when they made a sequel? SMB had been so popular and so many people had played it so much that they just went balls out and made the hardest Mario game of all time, SMB2. The game was so hard that Japanese kids killed themselves over it, but that is really nothing ...

So I am finally playing the Gamecube version of LoZ: Twilight Princess on my Wii.

I'd like to say that I was stupid when I was young, but evidence clearly suggests that the stupidity has actually not gone anywhere and persists in my day to day actions. A good, fairly recent example: I stood outside, overnight, waiting for a Wii console on launch day. It was also the first real day of winter. Actual snow fell. My friend John and I were grossly unprepared for that eventuality; our ...