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Fe 26

five faces of darkness

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We all have personal flaws. Even here on TNL where people act like they are the life breath of the Gods.

I'm pretty aware of mine, though it might not seem like it. One that really bothers me is that I do not live my life in such way that is fulfilling to me on a daily basis. I am living in such a way that things will work out in the long term. Despite what some might say, I am intelligent. I am pursuing things that will bring me a job and about as much security as an educated man can have these days.

But as I said, my daily life is not fulfilling.

That is a problem I've pondered for probably 10 years or longer. I've come up with a dozen solutions, and none of them ever work in the long term. Dicking off and not doing things that enrich your life? Well cut them out. Play too many games? Cut them out. Read too many comics? Stop reading comics. Watch too much tv? Unhook the tv. Etc, etc.

Ok, so in each situation, I've cut out the bad, so everything should be fixed? Right? Nope. I never stick with anything long enough. Or to be more exact, I try to do everything. I do a little of this. Then I go do a little of that. I never get "great" at anything. At least not in regards to my own goals. Not according to my own standards for myself.

At around this point, something big comes up. Maybe finals. Maybe some family crap. Maybe I'm doing bad in a class and i have to work really hard to fix it. whatever. Then whatever it is, it blows over. Then I fall back into some sort of relaxing behavior. Maybe some game. Maybe trolling you assholes more than I should be. Hey, Hey, Hey, IP's back at stage one again.

if I ended this blog here, this would be where people hit reply, and gave me some really negative tough man love. Possibly in the hopes of making me angry enough to say "fuck this shit, I'm going to man up and fix all this shit and shoot lighting from my eyes and destroy all those that stand in my way. Thank you TNL for being dick bags and making me realize the error of my ways." There might be some good old fashion firstblood and SSJN trolling for good measure. If I'm lucky I might get that anyway!

But that is not where the blog ends. This is where it really starts.

These past few days I've been a bit of a man-child. I've been looking at transformers on ebay. Yes, yes. I'm horrible.

Maybe it is sleep deprivation or something I saw on tv. Maybe it is that Scot Pilgrim movie, with plot points related to dreams, but I remembered a dream I have a lot. A dream I've been having since I was like 10.

The basic run down of the dream is that I go into a store. And holy cow they have all these cool G1 transformers, brand new in the box. And they are all 25 cents each, and i got a pocket full of moneyz. I grab them all, and as I'm about to go check out, my family shows up. Then the store goes black. And there is an evil darkness. Oh it is evil. And horrible. Like evil dead, evil. And me and my family are running from it. Then my little sister trips. I then have to drop everything, pick her up, and hall ass.

At the end of the dream everyone is safe. I saved the day. Everyone is happy with me. But I'm not happy. All I can think about is how I wish the monster wasn't there and how I wish I had not been put in a situation that required me to give up all this stuff I wanted. I feel like I had to sacrifice what I wanted for those i cared about.

Up until now I've always thought that dream was caused by stress. That I was just frustrated that I was having to studying on weekends instead of going out and having fun.

But today as I reflected on it, I wonder if my subconscious was trying to make another point. Or maybe I've grown up and just look at things differently. EITHER/OR I have a different conclusion about the dream.

Something I have never considered is that MAYBE, had I not grabbed EVERYTHING, I would have A) not waken the monster or B) been able to check out before it came. Or shit, been able to carry one toy and my sister.

I had never considered that my own unhappiness in the dream was caused by me wanting everything. That is choosing everything, I was gaining nothing, because I could not balance everything I wanted and fulfill my responsibility to others.

Maybe there has been a part of me that has known the whole time that I have to pick one thing and make it mine before I move on to the next thing. Otherwise, I'm going to run out of time and not get anything I want.

Funny enough, I think I know why my dreams use transformers as a symbol for "what I want." The first thing that I worked hard to get was an Omega Supreme that I really really really wanted. I mowed my parents huge yard with a push mower, and god knows what else, to get 80$ (or maybe it was 45$, I forget) so I could order it one out of this huge collectors news mag. I did everything on my own for this thing. I hunted it down, I contacted the owner, earned the money, everything. I think I even walked my little kid butt down to the post office to get the money order for it. I set a goal, I figured out what I had to do to get it, and followed through.

Or maybe I'm insane and need to stop staying up till 7 am, drinking rum and eating tacos. I'll probably get the shit trolled out of me. Whatever. I didn't share this for myself. Or to get advice. I did it for you assholes that for whatever bizarre reason, I keep talking to. We give each other a lot of shit, and we act like we know everything and everyone else is wrong, but ultimately, most of us are a lot alike. And I know from listening to your opinions on things that several of you are in the same boat I am, or have not always been as happy as you are. I know that several of you are not following through. You feel unfulfilled. You got that monster at your back.

I posted this for you.

Make that transformer yours. Pick one, and walk your ass up to the cash-register and buy it with your pocket full of Washington. Then run like hell before the evil of all evils comes after you.

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  1. Bacon McShig's Avatar
    I went to Target the other day looking for those War on Cybertron Transformers. They had them, and on sale even. When I picked them up, though, I reflected on all the TFs I just had sitting around in boxes, put 'em back, and just bought some socks. And I feel great about that.
  2. kingoffighters's Avatar
    I am packing up all my shit right now and didn't realize I have a shit ton of TFers (well, probably not as many as most collectors, but still). I think I will sell off most of these once I move to the new place and just keep a few I really like.

    But anyway, sounds like your dream isn't so much about TFers but more about your family. Maybe you have been neglecting them and your sub is telling you to spend more time?
  3. YellerDog's Avatar
    Get rid of your shit.
  4. Fe 26's Avatar
    Getting rid of stuff can be a waste of time. Will it really help? Is it really whats in the way? Are you so weak that some shit in your house is really what is stopping you?

    I'm not saying this to antagonize, but to point out that we often put extra conditions on ourselves before we finally get off our butt and start things or finish things. We say to ourselves

    "I will get started once I reorganize all this stuff"
    "I will get started after I clean this room"
    'I will get started after i read all this stuff and can get it perfect"

    You never get rid of all the stuff, get the room fully clean, or have read everything. Sometimes you have to stop being a perfectionist and just get started.

    btw, King, if you want to sale that crap without getting hit with fees, put them on TFW2005 market place. Those guys are pretty good about sending paypal payments as gifts. There is no point in keeping shit you don't really like. I might buy it if it is G1. I try to stay away from the new stuff.
  5. YellerDog's Avatar
    No woman is going to want to come into that den of cybertron. get rid of your shit. /stuff obsession
    Updated 21 Aug 2010 at 05:03 PM by YellerDog
  6. Fe 26's Avatar
    I don't care what she wants
  7. kingoffighters's Avatar
    I packed up all my TFers (a few boxes) and put them in storage. Like I said, it is a lot but compared to most, it is actually not very many. I just want to trim down my collection to the ones I really like (Masterpiece, Fan made custom pieces, G1/remakes, etc).

    In any case, as long as you don't let it become an obsession and collect everything, I think that's okay. I used to collect videogames and buy stupid old classic shit (Hello Fairchild). Thank god I moved to NYC with very little room so I sold off most of my stuff and only kept the games I would play again. Which reminds me, time to do another sale on some old accessories and PS1/2 games.
  8. Joust Williams's Avatar
  9. Fe 26's Avatar
    KOF, yeah, don't be a completionest. Well, I guess you can do it if you make 200k a year. Most of the time, it is just a waste of time and money.

    And don't be the guy with several shelves of toys. They can be fun, but come, on, keep a room livable. Mix it up. Buy some books. Get some hobbies.
  10. Fe 26's Avatar
    But you guys are doing that thing you do, where you pick some mundane thing said and go off into left field.

    This blog is not about toys or if it is smart to own a few or many things.

    Its about setting clear goals and finishing them. The amount of shit in your house is really non-relevant. Assuming you are not one of those hoarders that has dead cats under boxes of magazines.
  11. StriderKyo's Avatar
    Hall ass.
  12. Bacon McShig's Avatar
    Your mama's ass so big she doesn't just sit around the hall, she sits around the hall.
  13. Josh's Avatar
  14. Satsuki's Avatar
    A couple of years back I got rid of just about all my toys - I was moving around a lot and just couldn't stomach the thought of carrying around anymore stuff. I gave the things to people here and there, a couple of exes got a lot of it. But now I miss a lot of the stuff and have devoted a lot of time and money to rebuilding my collection of stuff. Now I sort of have the idea that if I see something I really want, i'll just get it and store it...just so I feel that I acquired it and can stop thinking about it. In some cases, I'm REALLY happy I did that. In other cases, I feel like I stretch bought something and it wasn't something I was super attached to.
  15. Fe 26's Avatar
    I don't understand the 20 something impulse to throw away and get rid of things when it comes time to move. Example. at the end of the semester, kids chunk new notebooks, art pads, text books and stuff. Back when I lived in the dorm I would go by and grab the stuff. Use the notebooks and put the books on

    I'm not saying there are never good reasons to get rid of stuff. Sometimes it is not an option. Sometimes you do not have the room to store it, or you do not have the time or money to move it.

    But most of the time it seems like laziness. I can't help but feel bad for the parents that spent money on it, or kids that might want it.

    I'm not saying be a hoarder. Just don't be wasteful. I mean shit, I have given stuff away. I got some movie transformers one year at a surplus store. When I got fired and had to move in two days, I boxed them up and gave them to a friends two little boys.

    I'm also glad I saved a lot of stuff. I made about 2000USD for my trip to Germany and London by selling stuff I had kept but no longer wanted. Had I simply thrown that crap away, I would not have been able to invest it into my education or traveling.
  16. Josh's Avatar
    Who is talking about throwing things away?
  17. Fe 26's Avatar
    your mother
  18. dave is ok's Avatar
    Get over it faggot
  19. Rem's Avatar
    Dicking off and not doing things that enrich your life? Well cut them out. Play too many games? Cut them out. Read too many comics? Stop reading comics. Watch too much tv? Unhook the tv. Etc, etc.
    I'm sure you realized this but the problems were never the things, which is why cutting them out didn't help.
    Ok, so in each situation, I've cut out the bad, so everything should be fixed? Right? Nope. I never stick with anything long enough. Or to be more exact, I try to do everything. I do a little of this. Then I go do a little of that. I never get "great" at anything. At least not in regards to my own goals. Not according to my own standards for myself.
    This is likely because you are "great" at being a nerd because you must enjoy toys/games/whatever otherwise you wouldn't have followed that path in life. And forcing yourself to do something you perceive as more enriching when you don't enjoy it as much as the old hobbies you have forsaken is a sure fire way to be frustrated and unhappy. I must admit the word enriching is tripping me up. What exactly do you mean by it?

    Also hobbies you enjoy are important, but it doesn't matter how many you have if you aren't fulfilled by them. I don't find hobbies to be particularly fulfilling a lot of fun but hobbies alone aren't enough. And if you feel like you're wasting your life on distractions, you likely are. You have to ask yourself what it is that you think will make your life worth living.
  20. Fe 26's Avatar
    I don't know if I really want to go into the difference between an enriching hobby and an empty one. I'd like to think that is kind of obvious.
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