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Out Nerding the Nerd

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You can take it for granted that I hate most customers. Ok, all customers.
But the ones that I hate the most, the ones that I'd love to shove my arm down their throat, grab hold of their raisinet balls and rip them out through their mouths? The goddamn game nerds.
They're all the same, and they're all the worst. They always come in in pairs. They're like the goddamn Sith of video game retail. There is Super Nerd who makes sure to point out all the "interesting" facts and anecdotes behind obscure games to anyone within reach of his annoying nasally voice, and then there is Super Nerd In Training who walks a few steps behind Super Nerd. He's sort of hunched over, like a bridesmaid carrying the brides train. Only instead of a beautiful silk gown, he carries the weight of all the nuggets of nerd information that Super Nerd is sharing. He's like a sponge, soaking up all the wisdom the Super Nerd is spewing out left and right like an epileptic cetacean.
What really aggravates me is that most of the time, Super Nerd is wrong on a lot of his facts.
"Atari was the first game system!"
"Nintendo saved video games!"
"The Genesis was Sega's first console!"
"Conker's Bad Fur Day is the rarest Nintendo 64 game!"

I could lift a city block with my eye muscles, the result of years and years of rolling my eyes at these jerks.
The other day I had a pair in here that were almost beyond the scope of the English language when it comes to terms of description.
Most nerds are portly, dirty, and greasy. This Super Nerd was a rare variant. He was in great shape. He was Super Nerd Who Works Out. His apprentice was the normal variety nerd. He's got a tough road ahead of him if he hopes to one day battle the master and usurp the leadership position.
Super Nerd wore a black wife beater that showcased his well muscled arms. He wore camo pants with a thick black leather belt that kept his fatigues clasped right above his navel. He wore black patent leather boots. He walked with perfect posture. He had a shaved head. He spoke like Toby Radloff. I wanted to slit his throat.
"Oh My God. Is That Gunstar Heroes For $40 Complete? I Would Like To Look At It"
I take it out of the case to show him that it was.
"I Don't Want To Buy It, I Just Had To See It."
I imagined how far the arterial spray would arc if I used the edge of the Gunstar case to cut him.
Moby Radloff wandered around the store a bit and saw a Suikoden II in the case.
"Oh My God. I Need To Take A Picture Of That And Send It To Dan. He Has Been Looking For It Forever. If I Hadn't Spent All Of My Discretionary Income For The Month Already I Would Purchase It For Him."
He takes a pic with his phone and sends it. Both he and Darth Jar Jar are giggling like little girls. They start the pilgrimage around the store again. I don't remember specifics, but Super Nerd is broadcasting color commentary on just about everything, and shock of shocks, he's actually correct in everything he's saying. He's still a douche bag. But at least he's a well informed douche bag.
Somehow the topic of Battletoads/ Double Dragon comes up and Super Nerd and Super Nerd In Training are discussing what system to get it on and Super Nerd says something about the NES. I chime in with, "I think it was only SNES and Genesis." Super Nerd replies, "Oh, No. It Was On Nes. The Dream Team."
I do a quick google search and sure enough, there it is. I've owned it. How the hell could I have forgotten about it? Doesn't matter. I just got faced.
It doesn't happen often, but the worst of the worst of the worst? It's when I get out nerded by a nerd.

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Updated 07 Sep 2011 at 02:15 PM by Some Stupid Japanese Name

Video Games , Personal


  1. Finch's Avatar
    i'm happy that this blog is back and i hope it continues
  2. Some Stupid Japanese Name's Avatar
    It's not, and it won't.
  3. Finch's Avatar


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