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X-Men Origins: Wolverine (360)

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After years of robot slashing and off-screen, bloodless stabbings, it might be a little shocking to see Wolverine literally tearing new assholes all over people's bodies. The shock is understandable: He's been mainstreamed and tamed down to PG13 TMNT levels over the past couple of decades, but it's still surprising that there should be any shock at all. What the hell did you think he did with those claws? Protip: He puts them inside people in varied and creative ways as they use their last breath to loudly voice their displeasure. It's not nice.

To their credit, the people behind this game understood that. They also use the healing factor to great effect in the way they handle health bars as well as in the really cool He-Man battle damage system. Bullets, explosions, etc. all take their toll on Logan leaving behind holes, exposed bones and more (you can catch fire and burn off all his skin!) which is then healed before your eyes. Too bad that's where any sort of innovation ends.

The developers must've played a hell of a lot of God of War, furiously jotting down notes with one hand while masturbating with the other. While they manage to recapture the rage and visceral thrill of maiming and gutting so prevalent in that series, they completely blow the level design. At it's best it soars centimeters above the embarrassing mediocrity of something terrible like Ultimate Alliance; at its worst it matches it exactly. Boss fights, usually a highlight of the God of War formula, are some of the worst parts of this game. They're bland, repetitive, and boring. They're everything they should not be.

To the detriment of everything that is joyful and good everywhere, the game follows the basic plot of the corresponding movie. You'll end up at the same basic locations with generally the same characters, but the roads leading to those story beats are far longer and more convoluted than anything you could imagine.

Do you know what happens to a toad that plays an incredibly repetitive, watered-down God of War clone? The same thing that happens to everything else: it dies of boredom after the initial rush dies down.

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Updated 09 Mar 2012 at 10:48 AM by Mzo

Video Games


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