Top 75 Stupidest Things My Customers Do
D. R. Miner presents:
THE TOP 75 STUPID THINGS DONE BY MY CUSTOMERS*
*I work some odd hours in an independent video game store at the local mall...mostly just for the employee "discount", and some extra cash when I don't have an art gig. We sell new and used games, as well as buying and trading stuff that people bring in. Listings are not in any particular order. Peter's Evil Overlord list inspired me to compile this list of my own, which I think any of you who work in retail, or deal with customers of any sort, will find amusing.
001-They will pick up a game, and not only place it somewhere different than where they got it, but place it in a section devoted to a totally different type of game.
002-Customers hate order. Any product arranged in a line they will shuffle, and any items at an angle they will stack on top of one another.
003-Likewise, putting anything in alphabetical or numeric order is futile, as it will be obliterated by the time the first customer steps out the door.
004-They will place their fingers or face on the glass cases, as if they might know their selection by osmosis; perhaps the extra 2 inches they can gain in proxmity somehow helps them make their decision.
005-When they pull things from their pockets, lint and other detritus will fall to the floor, and they will pretend not to notice it.
006-Similarly, they treat all public places as giant floormats, and will gladly track mud or dog excrement across the store carpet.
007-They have no sense of depreciation, and will be utterly amazed at how little their worthless crap is worth currently. "My PSX is worth WHAT!? I payed $300 for that nine years ago!"
008-They will switch things they bought from the store with the broken version they have at home, and then try to return it.
009-They will beat the hell out of their games and systems, and then get angry when we don't want to buy them.
010-They will act oblivious to glaring defects or damages incurred on the things they sell, and then act surprised when we point them out.
011-They will pick up items that are hung individually on pegs, and replace them on a pre-occupied peg, leaving one peg empty and one doubled-up on.
012-They will pick up games, models, figurines, and books, and then manipulate the item's orientation before setting it down, leaving things upside-down, sideways, and facing toward the wall.
013-They will bring in small children, and then set them free as if the store is a playground. Additionally, they will pretend not to notice while their child wreaks havoc.
014-They will take the term "trade-in" literally, and expect to be able to trade one game directly for another, regardless of value.
015-They will ask questions they already know the answer to, in the hopes that we'll answer it wrongly and that they can correct us.
016-They will spend up to 20-30 minutes asking about the various pros and cons to various consumer choices with absolutely no intention of buying anything.
017-They will refer to one thing by the name of another, and then think you're daft when you bring them the wrong thing.
018-They will only buy things if they think they are getting a deal whether or not they really are. This includes paying full price for second-hand merchandise, simply because it must be a deal if it's used. Inversely, they will not buy something if you think it's a good deal and it actually is, even if it's what they came to buy in the first place.
019-They will ask stupid questions for their "friends", when it is clear that they are the one needing the answer.
020-They will ask a question to prove their point against their friend's, when they are actually the one who is wrong.
021-When they are buying something already owned by a friend, the friend will always say they bought it for a ridiculously low amount somewhere else, to make themselves seem more market-wise and thrifty.
022-If you bend the rules to help a customer out in a particular situation, they will expect it everytime henceforth.
023-They will try to sell merchandise that is blatantly stolen.
024-Ever since the concept of backwards-compatibility was introduced to home consoles, they assume that all systems then must be. This includes systems that use differently shaped cartridges or are made by different companies. Also, backwards-compatibility is based stricly on chronology to them, so they assume that an Xbox, being newer, can play both Playstation 2 and Playstation games, when it is absurd to think that it would do either.
025-They do not understand supply-and-demand. They are genuinely surprised when we are sold out of something, because if something is new, they think it must therefore be abundant.
026-If they rent an in-store system for a half hour, they will always choose a game that takes at least a half hour to get into, like Shenmue II or Final Fantasy VII.
027-They come into the store with an offensive odor. I will lump offensive odor caused from booze, dirty underwear, belching, cigarettes, pot, sweat, and post-entrance flatulation in this listing, so odor-related topics don't monopolize the list.
028-If they rent an in-store system, and you let them switch their game once, they will then feel prompted to do so again every subsequent 4 minutes.
029-They do not understand inflation. No matter how good or hard-to-find a game is, they will expect it to cost the same as the cheapest game in the store.
030-They will lean or pound on the windows and cases, as if glass is something they are accustomed to walking or slamming up against.
031-They will state the obvious. "So, the new Madden's out, huh? [while holding it in hand]
032-They will refuse to fathom the return policy, even though it's printed on their receipt.
033-They will lose their receipts, even if they received it only 5 mintues ago.
034-They will tell us how much better the prices are somewhere else, and then buy it from us anyways.
035-They will complain about how little we pay for whatever odd item it is they have, but then sell it to us anyways. Additionally, they always have a buddy or some other source they could sell it to at a much better price, but invariably sell it to us for the original price quoted.
036-They think they are the only one willing to sell a popular item, and that if we don't pay them top dollar for it, we simply won't be able to get it any other way.
037-If the customer is with his girlfriend or significant other, he will always know more about any given topic than we will, even though his girlfriend isn't the least bit impressed with that knowledge.
038-They will be shocked when we don't have games that haven't come out yet, and claim that they've already played the game in question somewhere else.
039-If you make any remark that is not directly related to the transaction at hand, they will immediately proceed to tell you their whole life story.
040-They will not understand any jokes you tell, even if they are very simple and related to the transaction at hand. Additionally, they will take everything you say literally, even if you employed a figurative device in your speech.
041-They will rarely respond to anything you say, unless you are presently engaged with a different customer, in which case they will need your help immediately.
042-If they are female, and you talk to them, they will assume you are hitting on them, even though they are in the store and you work there.
043-The exception to no. 42 is if the female in question is a LotR nerd, in which case she will be focused only on our Legolas merchandise, and harboring dreams of someday bearing his elf-children.
044-They will ask for things that couldn't have come out, like Super Mario games on Xbox.
045-They will ask for your advice on games, and then choose something completely contrary to that advice.
046-Likewise, they will not ask for any help or advice, and simply read the description on the back of the box. They will then proceed to select and purchase the worst game in the store.
047-Against our advice, a customer will buy a terrible game and then come back the next day, claiming that it won't run on their system, even though the disc is immaculate and it runs on all the systems in the store.
048-They will frequently give unwanted tips and suggestions to other customers playing the in-store games, and interject their opinions when other customers ask us questions.
049-They will ask to see unboxed games, like SNES and Genesis carts, as if close inspection of the label art somehow influences their decision to buy a game or not.
050-They will ask to see things they have no intention of buying. Likewise, they will pretend to be interested in buying a game, just so they can try it for free.
051-Whenever they want something done that policy prevents us from doing, they will claim some other employee said it was okay. They must assume we employ an army of workers, and there's no way for us to find out what was said on any given day. Furthermore, they must assume we actually care what any of the other employees say.
052-They walls of the store are slotted, so shelves and pegs can be mounted to support merchandise; customers will always manage to knock at least one shelf or peg out of its slot on any given visit.
053-They will never read any signs in the store, no matter how large or prominent it may be. Many are surprised to learn that we buy and trade games, despite it being posted everywhere, and even more must ask what it costs to play the in-store systems, despite it being posted right above them.
054-If an item is on sale, such as 15% off, they will mentally calculate the price as anywhere from 30-50% off, and then be upset when it rings up higher than they expected.
055-They will buy something from one of the chain stores (i.e. Software Etc.), then come into our store and see it for much less. However, instead of returning their copy and buying from us, they will make some ridiculous excuse to discredit us and justify their purchase (i.e. our warranty's not as good, or, their selection is better, even though the game in question is obviously at both stores).
056-They will never buy 3rd-Party hardware, but they will always sell it. How it was obtained in the first place is a mystery.
057-They will shoplift empty cases from the shelves, not realizing all discs are stored behind the counter.
058-Whenever I tell them that we don't have something, they will ask if it might be in the back room, as if it is somehow advantageous for me to hold out on them, or if it's only available to those with the gumption to ask.
059-They will ask if we sell "nintendo" or "sony", and when questioned whether they're looking for the system or the games, they will not know.
060-They will refer to any Nintendo system or GameBoy system as their "nintendo" or "gameboy" respectively, oblivious that the company may have released more than one product over the course of a decade. This makes finding errant cables and adaptors for them especially odious, since even with visual aids can they rarely identify the product they own.
061-They will ask if we sell things we clearly don't, such as hard drives or road maps.
062-They ask why we sell things for so much more than we pay for them.
063-They will try to haggle over everything, even those items that are $3 or less.
064-They will ask if we know any cheats for a specific game, or if we can help with a game they're stuck in. This is in lieu of any actual transaction, and they shamelessly try to do it over the phone as well.
065-They assume that if various chains stores are connected with other branches of the same store, then we must therefore be connected to other independent stores, even if they have a different name.
066-They will loiter without conscience, often clogging up the space in front of the register so they can watch the in-store players.
067-When I explain to them that I can't pay as much for a game since it became a "Greatest Hits", they think I am referring to some album based on the game.
068-They will ask if we have rare role-playing games just so they can brag about how they do.
069-They will ask our opinion about a certain system and then argue with us.
070-They base their system-buying decisions on numbers that either make no sense, or that they simply heard somewhere else but have no idea what it means. Recently, I was informed that Xbox is a superior system due to its "128 Megs"..."Megs" were, to the customers best understanding, the racial moniker of the elves inside your system that grab the disc and run in circles to spin it (128 thus being superior to Nintendo's "72 MBs", or "mibs"; when I told the customer that less were needed since the disc diameter was smaller, said customer quietly shat upon the floor, and then promptly flung it at me).
071-They will ask to make an exception and put a game on hold, but then never come back to buy it.
072-They will try to sell us broken equipment, and act astonished when we test it and find it in disrepair. Said astonishment is usually accented with comments such as, "Wow, it never did that at home!"
073-If you ever let the customer plug in their own stay-n-play equipment (consisting all of the disc and the controller), they will somehow manage to set the system to French, the television to Spanish, and remain permanently stuck in the system's options settings, all the while complaining about how much the game sucks.
074-The will bash a system relentlessly, then be back the next day to buy one.
075-They will never look you in the eye, since it reveals how barren and corrupt their souls really are.
