Lat night a buddy of mine took me out for my birthday, and we ended up hitting a club in Garden City called Mirage. Pounded down a lot of Jack and Coke and had a decent time, but last night served to illustrate why clubs are starting to get on my nerves lately...actually, the whole problem with last night was the type of club we were in- it was more of a mainstream place, with normal, mainstream-type people. I went to an industrial/techno place not too long ago and I had a much better time.
Anyway, I think it's time I composed an ever-informative list of whatever somes to mind about mainstream clubs:
If you're a girl:
You have to dress like a hooker. Don't worry, everyone does it, and it makes men appreciate who you are on the inside.
You need a lower back tatoo. Must be tribal.
You need breast implants. It's okay, inserting forigen material into your body to boost your self-worth is safe and fun!
Teh lowriders. Oh, and don't forget that your thong always sticks out when you sit or bend over. Oh, you knew that? *ahem*...I didn't notice!
Bathe in perfume.
Make-up: too much is never enough.
If you're completely drunk and can't find your friends, always trust the smooth-talking guido that you don't know. He has your best interests at heart.
Even the fattest, nastiest ho can hook up, so if you're a fat nasty ho, don't despair. That creepy guy with the molester moustache will soon be making out with you and shoving his hand up your skirt right on the dance floor. Don't let him go.
If you're a guy:
You must do enough steriods to kill 200 elephants.
If you're white, you need to be so tan you could pass for a black guy. Or, at least, an Italian.
If you're black, well...you just need to stand there. Girls will come to you. You guys are all the rage lately.
Hair gel.
Gold chain.
Goatee.
OD on cologne.
You need to find any random girl on the dance floor and as a friendly means of saying "hi2u!" dance up behind her and start grinding your cock into her asshole. They love that.
If you fit the descriptive terms I just outlined, be on the look-out for the drunken girl that can't find her friends that I mentioned above. With plenty of sleazy one-liners and some strong-arm tatics you'll have her out in your car sucking you off in no time.
Random stuff:
Saw a chubby girl with big saggy tits wearing a white tank top that said "BLING BLING". Wanted to punch her in the face.
Girl bartenders make strong drinks. Guy bartenders make weak drinks. Yet if you're in a bar as opposed to a club the opposite is true.
Clubs used to be a lot more crowded before the internet got big.
Basically, the whole club experience makes me happy I date a girl who isn't brainless whore who screams and jumps up and down when "Yeah" by Usher starts playing.
Next time I want to drink I'm going to a bar. Clubs are cool on occasion but I've been to one too many lately. Bar hopping's much more fun.
