Three Dirty Dwarves Official Thread
I didn't see an official Three Dirty Dwarves thread on here so, inspired by the official Saturn thread, I thought I'd make one.
I guess I walked into my local Babbages not knowing why. Well it's a good thing I wandered in there that day, while my Mom was trying on clothes in the fitting room at JC Penny, because what I found changed my perception of reality. There in a bin, shining like the Holy Grail itself, was a lightly used copy of Three Dirty Dwarves for Sega Saturn. I took it up to the cashier. "$10", he said. Holy fucking shit I thought silently in my head. I quickly purchased the game, before the unwitting store clerk caught his folly in charging such an absurdly low price for what would go on to become the most rare and sought after game in the Saturn library (and no, I won't sell mine so don't ask lol).
I don't know where I should start with this game. I guess the first thing that blew me away was the graphics. I kept scream-asking myself while playing it, "Is this Saturn?!" As we all know, the Saturn only had 2 or 3 decent games (4, if you count Bug!, but that's arguable). This being one of those games, the graphics are insurmountable (by even today's "High Definition" standards). While playing Three Dirty Dwarves (TDD), I consistently had to remind myself that I wasn't playing the game on some NASA government funded/created platform based on super advanced alien technology that my Great grandchildren would someday use.
I don't know how the developers made TDD look so good on the Saturn, but the only thing that comes close to it even nowadays is Mass Effect. But Mass Effect had such horrible texture pop in that it made the game look pre-NES era (I'm suprised I even finished it, I hope the next game LucasARTS develops makes better use of that engine). But whatever the case, as the history of videogames is being written, TDD will be cited as a harbinger of advanced technology (for example, the blu-ray technology was created so as to make a better, more accurate, duplicate production of the original TDD).
As far as the story in the game goes, I'll be honest, I didn't reallly know what was going on. But then again, I didn't really understand 2001: A Space Oddyysey (sp?) or Citizen Cane either. So what do I know about stories? I just knew I couldn't wait to see what would happen next even though I didn't understand what just happened.
The sound is probably amazing as well. But when I originally played the game, it was on a TV (with VCR) with the speakers busted out because my (step) father came home drunk and angry one night (month). So I couldn't actually hear the sound the game made, but the tunes I hummed to myself while playing complimented the action nicely (imo).
The gameplay is really fun and ingenious and a huge leap forward from most of the games that came before it (games that were only fun if you were bloated with pizza dough, drunk, enjoyed second hand smoke and had just the right amount of grease on the joystick). Pressing a button on the controller makes your dwarf do the corresponding action on screen, such as "attack" or "jump". You can even assign other buttons to do the same thing.
Halo's regenerating life bar found it's inspiration in TDD. In TDD you don't actually die, instead your character becomes knocked unconscious by an enemy (sometimes a goblin). Then, in this unconscious/unplayable state, another of the dirty dwarves can come and thwack you back to life (rotflmao, this game is FUNNY too). It's only game over if all three of your dwarves die (sometimes by goblins).
Also, many enemies in the game require a special way to kill them. You may die 19-37 times before you figure out the correct way to kill just an ordinary enemy, let alone a boss. But the trial and error is worth it when you finally figure it out! In high school when all my friends were out trying to get laid, I was at home trying to figure out how to kill the male/female goblins in level 2. PROTIP (if your still stuck): You have to throw the female goblins at the male goblins to make them fall in love. Haha! Clever! Maybe the relationship system in Mass Effect isn't so "revolutionary" after all.
Oh yeah. All the dwarves have special abilities too. Each of the dwarves has a favorite sport, and their attacks correspond to that. One dwarf's favorite sport is baseball so he attacks with a baseball bat and balls. Another dwarf's favorite sport is bowling so he attacks with bowling pins and balls. The last dwarf's favorite sport is shotgun, so he uses a shotgun to attack the goblins.
I finally solved Three Dirty Dwarves on the same day I discovered masturbation (as most 19 year olds do). Of the two, I had more fun beating the last boss in Three Dirty Dwarves then I did just beating off (next time I won't use my Dad's medicated dandruff shampoo). However I must say, since I've beaten TDD, I have masturbated more times than I've went back and played through TDD. And I must say, it's not even close.
In conclusion, as you can see, I've just described the ways this game is absolutely breath-taking. It takes your breath away. Every night you may pray for whatever you like, I however, pray for a sequel to Three Dirty Dwarves.
Dwarfs rule!!!
Please feel free to comment and/or post your own hyperbolic review (no Smashing Drive).
