De facto game journalism: Ten pieces of absolutely true news
My original plan was to let this be the final batch of news farces I wrote. But then I thought it seemed like people generally enjoyed these (or at least they didn't create any animosity towards me). But, then again, I know for a fact I'm rather dense (or insecure) on this sort of matter. So I've included a poll.
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Club president candidates admit possession of illegal games
WILLIAMSPORT, MD – A scandal has erupted among the two candidates running for 2002-2003 President of the Video Game Club of Williamsport High School, who both admitted to having illegal burns, copies, emulators, and ROMs in their possession as recently as last week. The Video Game Club holds a zero tolerance policy for illegally owned games for all members, of high stature or otherwise.
“It all began when we saw [presidential candidate] Cornell [Protz] selling a CD to a jock,” said Club Treasurer Octavio Rahmani, who is also leading the investigation, “But it wasn’t any video game CD I’ve seen before. It was all silver and it said “Great Quality” on it. That was our first major tip.”
Protz asserts that the game he sold to jock Brian Aalbers for $5 was the last of his burned games and promises to stay clean from now on. His opponent, Bennett Oldani had his collection of copies and pirated PlayStation games from Pakistan seized, along with his roms, emulators, and ISOs, which were moved onto zip disks and then promptly erased from his hard drive.
“Yes, I admit that I tried out this stuff from time to time,” said Oldani, in a press conference in Room 34, where the club members meets every Thursday, “I put in the game, turned on the system and TV, but I did not pick up the controller or press any buttons.”
Though Protz has yet to issue a public statement, everyone is assured one will be coming soon pending advice from his campaign managers and leaders. His most current known claim is that he would usually only watch the demo or scroll through the Options menu.
Recent polls indicate that 15% believe Protz is telling the truth, 17% believe Oldani, 67% believe both are lying, and only 1% believe both are telling the truth.
These scandals have sent shockwaves through the community, which is comprised of 30 students who are finding themselves in a predicament as they search for someone they can look up to and believe in.
“I don’t want to jump to conclusions, not until we get to the very, very bottom of this,” said member Ronny Pasqualetti, “But I have to admit that whenever we recite our “Pledge of Allegiance to Shigeru Miyamoto” at the beginning of each meeting, I look over at Cornell and Bennett and I can’t help but feel a bit of shame. The pledge just doesn’t have the same effect on me as it used to.”
“You think you know your classmates and candidates, but I guess this goes to show that you can never truly know a person,” said Antony Schnapp, another Video Game Club member, “Christ, they could even have girlfriends.”
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Oldani's collection of burned games strewn about next to his collection of horror novels.
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Demons, monsters, and overlords good for economy
YSERKA, SEALLYRA - Thanks to an increase in monster activity on the outskirts of Yserka and along the main road, Vivreya Medicine Shop is now filled with fighters, mages, knights, and all ilks of adventurers who wish to stock up on supplies.
“You’d think I’d be worried about the monsters, wouldn’t you?” Vivreya owner Morgut Eldean said, “But before they started showing up, this place would be desolate and barren. The only time I ever had anyone enter the place were bored level 99 characters who wanted to sell old crap. You know, I can’t make a living just giving away money, you inconsiderate bozos.”
Though Eldean can now clothe, feed, and make his children healthy and plump before having them getting eaten by monsters, others find less to merry about, resenting the crowded marketplaces and stores.
Among those are Guddyn Gidoc (a royal knight framed for a crime) and his party: Solla Claniver (monk), Savyan Narka (priestess, who may or may not be involved in a love triangle with Claniver and Gidoc), Conder Aninshor (dwarf), and Usises Solish (marksman with mysterious past and prone to sudden mental breakdowns).
“I hate waiting in lines,” said Gidoc, “Sure, it’s nice to see all these people picking up supplies for the journey to the next town but my character attributes include impatience, being crass, and overzealousness so I have no tolerance for this nonsense.”
“Sometimes I’ll just buy stuff on a whim,” added Aninshor, “I’ll stand around, bored and waiting in line, and see a pile of Un-Zombies for a Gilzenny each and think ‘Ooh, that’s a good deal.’ So now I have 8,000 Un-Zombies. What the hell am I going to do with 8,000 Un-Zombies?”
Claniver and Narka could not comment as they had to tend to Solish, who had collapsed on the ground in a comatose flashback state, muttering about silver condors and childhood rivals.
Though these intrepid warriors won’t discover it until several hours later when the story develops a bit more, the spike in monster presence is caused by the advent of Schlechte-Ziege, an overlord that reappears every one-thousand years.
“You see, we’re not all bad, because I don’t see a thing wrong with helping out the market,” said Schlechte-Ziege, who has been resting in his alternate dimension for the past 999.9 years, “If I take over the world and enslave humanity, that’s great. But if I get defeated, that’s fine too. No hard feelings. I’m having fun in here.”
To prove his point, Schlechte-Ziege sat back on his leopard-skin sofa as he listened to lounge music and sipped on some Zima. After he eats his filet mignon meal, he plans to attend a rave.
Another group with dark plans for the planet is the traveling acting ensemble, Fun Space Circus Capers, which is actually a front for the Castlevania Society, who are currently drawing up plans to resurrect Dracula once again.
“I suppose you can think of us as evil cultists,” said Castlevania Society president Kerr Hebert, “But if you’re an optimist, then maybe we’re economic masseuses.”
The Castlevania Society may postpone their resurrection plans since it coincides so closely with the return of Schlechte-Ziege.
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In a rare crossover adventure, these warriors stock up before a battle with Student Council members that are hiding kryptonite. Evangelions may appear.
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Epidemic of plagued consoles sweeps nation
WHEAT RIDGE, CO - The United States has seen a surge in news of video game consoles that are no longer functioning properly. It appears no one is safe as reports continue to climb including everything from Sony PlayStation 2 to Sega Dreamcast and older consoles like Nintendo Entertainment System and Sega Saturn.
“This is so frustrating,” said Wheat Ridge resident Tabatha Lattea, as she lied on the floor and stared despondently at her flashing screen ”My NES refuses to work. I paid, fair and square, three dollars for my copy of Monster Party so I think I at least deserve to play it. I know it’s not a great game, but it’s the principles, you know?”
These situations leave repair experts baffled, who are slow to arrive at one conclusion as to why there’s a sudden flux in consoles that aren’t performing at maximum capacity. Some believe that it’s their old age kicking in, some blame the weather, while others are amazed that people still play on these old consoles.
“All I want to do is graduate and then play Mendel Palace for the rest of my life,” said Jessie Fleurant, 17, a senior whose graduation is in a few hours but has an NES that does little more than show a blue screen, “But it looks like I’ll only be able to meet half of my goals."
“Oh, now see, that’s no good,” said Kurt Souder, 23, attempting to get Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! to work properly, “Look, the screen is filled with numbers and fuzz. Glass Joe looks like a punching mess of binary code.”
After several hours of adjusting the cart around in his system and pressing the “Reset” button, Souder succeeded in getting the cart to function. After half an hour of jabs, uppercuts, and tactful dodging, he eventually lost to Don Flamenco by judges’ decision.
“Inconceivable,” Souder commented, “Well, Don Flamenco is Spanish and the referee is Italian. I think they were in cahoots. You can’t trust those swarthy bastards.”
Recent consoles are also liable to contract problems. Though the Nintendo Gamecube and Microsoft X-Box have each shown minimal tribulations, its closest competitor, Sony PlayStation 2, has proven to be an unfortunate casualty.
“The PS2 has DVD-playing capabilities so I wanted to put on a movie for my family,” said Edwina Satter, who bought her PS2 several days ago from a Dubuque Wal-Mart, “But there was a parental lock-out and I couldn’t bypass it. My kids were so disappointed when they couldn’t watch The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock.”
In recent weeks, Super Nintendo Entertainment System has become infamous for the unexplained yellowing of its external shell. The console is comprised of a lower half and a top half with one of them turning a sickly color after several years in a consumer’s possession. In some rare instances, both parts turn yellow.
“It’s come to the point where I can’t play on my Super Nintendo anymore because I’m afraid that the yellowing will spread to my carts,” said Zelma Morain, 18, “I don’t know if I can bear having a yellowed Cacoma Knight in Bizyland.”
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A typical screen for those who attempt to relax with their NES Game Paks.
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Silpheed pilots admit listening in on other pilots’ conversations
3RD QUAD, EARTH TERRITORY - Arron Champeau, a 33-year old Silpheed pilot of Class SR-77, confesses that he hasn’t become a Silpheed pilot for the intergalactic dogfights or to travel to corners of distant galaxies. In his Pilot’s Log 1026-0223.0948, SRU 0-99-773, QAD 234-33-1³ entry, Champeau acknowledges that he often shirks his duty to listen to the conversations that other Silpheed pilots engage in.
“Some of them are funny, some are scandalous, and others are poignant and touching,” Champeau explains, “I can’t think of any other fleet I’d be proud to fly in. I’d really hate to be in a Vic Viper or something.”
Champeau is one of the people in an emerging and increasingly admitting group who enjoy sitting back in their cockpit, often with a beverage or snack on their lap, and listen in other people’s discourse while a civil war or space sorties rage on around them.
“Sometimes I’ll stay up all night and wait for my favorite people to get on and talk,” said 29-year old Erin Dizer, with one ear tuned in towards an arguing couple of pilots, “It’s like a really great soap opera except this one includes aliens that can take over the ship and eat your brain at any moment. It can get really addicting to see what events can unfold.”
28-year old Stevie Yantz was rising like a phoenix when he completed academy training with flying colors and who had professors say nothing but positive recommendations. But once Yantz started to pay more attention to his contact radio, his performance has dropped dramatically and sharply.
“My particular favorite peer is Genaro Apresa, who has this wicked foreign accent and uses awesome words that no one uses anymore,” said Yantz, “Like this one time, he called his superior a ‘popinjay’, and then he called his flight partners ‘knobs’ and ‘pinheads’. I don’t think he knew his contact radio was on though.”
But as innocuous this ritual may be, it’s believed it may have burgeoned from other dangerous mental defects.
“It’s the new future of voyeurism,” said Robby Medows, an Earth Defense Force psychiatrist who mainly deals with pilots who have difficulty adapting to their planes or somehow feel claustrophobic towards the universe, “I surmise that this unhealthy human contact might be filling a void in another part of their lives.”
Medows has taken special interest in the case of unmarried Champeau, who has been characterized by his taciturn nature and awkwardness around girls and who was also voted “Most Likely to Die Alone and Quietly” in his senior high school year.
“I think the girl who refuels my Silpheed has a nice voice,” Champeau said, “And she always comes over whenever I need her. Dependability. I like that in a woman.”
Champeau adds, “But I always get so nervous and indecisive whenever I need to pick my weapons. I usually try to get weapons that I think she would like. But I end up taking about ten minutes and I can feel she’s getting impatient so I always hastily choose two Falsion Wipers. I don’t really like those.”
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Erin Dizer gets ready for a night of no work and eavesdropping.
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Stevie Yantz listens in on a conversation about inadequacies in the bedroom and insect pesticide.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
Mom discovers there is no Zelda on PlayStation 2
ELIZABETHTOWN, KY – Hoping to please her 12-year old son, Clinton, soccer mom Kathrine Luckow wished to purchase the new Zelda for the PlayStation 2 only to find out that one did not exist, and that there were no plans for one in the foreseeable future. The Electronics Boutique manager attempted to rationally explain how “Zelda” was a “Nintendo” property, that “Sony” was a direct rival, and how it would be foolhardy to put a profitable "game" on a competitor’s “console”, though Luckow refused to listen. “Look here,” Luckow said loudly, scaring several customers away, “I’ll report you to your district manager if you don’t sell me the game. I know it exists, you freaking idiot.” Luckow has vowed to stay away from Electronics Boutique, and video game stores in general, and let Clinton find his own means of entertainment, which at the moment, includes looking at pornography and downloading popular rap mp3s.
Soldier finally leaves battle due to exhaustion
RHINE, HOLLAND - Lieutenant Jimmy Patterson has finally decided to leave the frontlines of war, lay down his guns for awhile, and get some rest at a hospital. “I don’t know,” Patterson said, “Whenever I got shot a few times, I just took a swig from my medical canteen and then I felt alright. But I’m kind of tired now so I guess I hit my limit.” Patterson was treated for wounds he incurred after taking in several dozen shots from MG42s, over 200 MP38 and MP40 rounds, shrapnel bits from a stiehlhandgranate that exploded by his head, and a bullet from his foot when he accidentally shot off his M1 Garand.
Wife to Dave Halverson: “Please come home.”
LOS ANGELES, CA - The wife of a certain video game journalist is feeling the unfortunate pains of having a workaholic for a husband. Dave Halverson, who appears to be having too much fun living his dream to spend time with his wife and child, has written approximately 85% of content in every issue of his magazine, PLAY, which is now in its seventh monthly edition. “The only time he ever plays with our kid is when he wants to try out the latest action figure and to see if its safe for children,” Mrs. Halverson said, “Why doesn’t he get Jon Gibson to write some more? He’s a good writer and I like reading his antidotes.” Not realizing her mistake, the “antidotes” misnomer derives from PLAY Issue 5 where Gibson wrote “antidotes” instead of “anecdotes” in his review of the film, Heist. Dave Halverson himself was unable to comment as he was too busy wondering if he could get away with giving a Sega game six out of five red dots.
Today’s youth not hip to old pop culture
FRUMPTON, USA – Ball paddles, maze-running ghosts, and space invading aliens aren’t exactly the first things that comes to kids’ minds when you mention video games. And neither are they second, third, or fourth. According to a survey taken at several schools in Frumpton, students are too busy with their blast processing and smooth scaling objects to catch-up on their vintage game history. “I’m busy enough with my video games and social life as it is,” middle school student Willy Beamish said, “I have my Nintari and that’s good enough for me.”
American McGee to celebrate unbirthday of ‘Alice’
AUSTIN, TX - American McGee, creator of the popular and twisted PC game Alice, and his crew at Rouge Entertainment will celebrate the unbirthday occasion of their game later in the day. “This is the 566th unbirthday of my game, so there is definitely reason to party even more than yesterday,” said McGee. They plan to commemorate by eating a few doughnuts and playing more LAN games of Counter-Strike than usual.
Man creates official Dynamite Bowl anniversary thread
BALDWIN, PA – Local resident Ted Perotti commemorated the 15th anniversary of Soft Vision’s Famicom bowling game, Dynamite Bowl, by posting a thread about it on his favorite video game message board, entitled “Official Dynamite Bowl 15th Anniversary Thread”. A portion of his post read, “A special game called Dynamite Bowl was released on May 24th of 1987. I think it’s time to discuss and relive a game that has asked for so little and given us so much.” Perotti was saddened to find that his thread received no replies as it faded into obscurity.
