Your first relationship

[Sl1p]

I posted this on my LiveJournal to much worrying of my mental sanity. You're going to learn lots about me today, and I hope we can all learn lots from each other.

**Shows off the mad CTRL+C,CTRL+V skills**

I like to believe that up to this point, I've led a very interesting life.

Before we start, please try and read this story with the voice of the brilliant comedian Lewis Black in your mind. If you've heard his brand of comedy, you'll know when to scream, point and mumble your way to comedy. Everyone says it makes the story about 10 times better.

Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this tale-


Sl1p's First Girlfriend


The year was 1997, and it was the Summer of my 8th to 9th grade vacation (Sound familiar? Yes, this takes place during the Summer of Ultima. Even when killing and looting electronic people was all that mattered, there was still room for love). I was attending Summer school for reasons that I can't remember outside of the fact that my Mom wanted me out of the house and away from Ultima for at least 3 hours a day (My sleeping hours mind you.). It was there where I met the girl who would kick whatever puberty was going on at the time, into high gear.

Her name was Patty.

Patty was a girl who stood short at an odd 4 foot something. She was actually a year older than me, on her way to becoming a Sophomore. She had blond hair, blue eyes, outside of being a Nazi poster child, I think she was a prime example of what boys always wish their first girlfriend was. Now let me tell you about what drove me to her.

Her voice.

This girl Patty had the voice of an 8 year old. As soon as she opened her mouth the first time I was around her, my mind immediatly shot backwards into time to a point in my life where I was sitting on the couch downstairs watching Loveline. A man called in and said something to the effect of "DR.DREW! MY GIRLFRIEND IS 18 BUT SHE HAS THE VOICE OF AN 8 YEAR OLD! IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG OR WHAT COULD THIS MEAN!?" Dr.Drew, very precise in his obervations as usual stroked his chin with his fingers and let out a knowingful sigh before he uttered "WELL..THAT MEANS HER DADDY PROBABLY FUCKED HER A CHILD!"

So here I am, at a ripe old age of about 15 staring at this adorable girl across the room, knowing full well that something terrible is wrong with her, she probably has some severe mental trauma and her dad quite possibly stole her virginity as a young girl. The one million dollar answer to all these random hints IS-

That's sexy.

This is what started my facination with Miss Patty, and now part two of the story. How we started dating.

It was a break time, I guess it was actually Brunch time since it wasn't quite lunch and I already had breakfast. Me and Patty started hanging out a lot, and I never really noticed it before but she was a smoker. Now if you know me, you know I hate smoking. Well, at least now I do. Back then I was in my somewhat punk skater days, so I was around smoke all the time but I never did it myself. So Patty says to me she says "Do you want a smoke?" Up to this point in my life the biggest decision I had to make was wether I wanted a Sega Genesis or a Super Nintendo. Being the smooth operator that I am I said calmly "Nah, I don't feel like it right now." She shrugged and lit up. I started to queston wether or not I should pursue this relationship. I came to my decision when I got home.

If you thought the part about me thinking that an older woman with the voice of an 8 year old was sexy was fucked up...

I got to thinking. This girl smokes. Smoke makes your breath smell bad. I might end up kissing this girl soon. How can I combat this fowl taste? Should I coat my mouth with wax or just use really strong mints? Then it hit me...

I'LL START SMOKING SO THAT I WON'T TASTE HER SMOKE! IT'LL JUST CANCEL OUT HER BREATH!

I'm a certified fucking genius.

Want to know the great part about this story?

It worked...and it worked well.

Our relationship only lasted about 4 months though, but it was pretty awesome. However, it ended on a bad note.

She cheated on me.

Then she went to rehab.

Then she got shipped off to Arizona.

Then she came back and made peace, and I really haven't heard from her since.

Love that girl. See you next time!

[Jeremy]

My first real relationship (not counting the odd date here, there, and everywhere), was with my now-ex girlfriend who is ranted on in the breakup topic. Horrid breakup, but, it was about three years of pretty much heaven, so it wasn't all bad.

[youandwhosearmy]

My first true girlfriend, that wasn't some sort of random, bobbling, sexual experiment, was the one I mentioned in the break up thread.

But I guess this thread is about the more optimistic side of things, so I'll tell the story...



One night on my way home from work, my friend mike downey was sitting outside my house in a car with his friends dave and beth.

Beth wasn't drop dead gorgeous, though at the time she had a body to die for, and some very cute features. she was also a bit younger than me, about two years, which at the time seemded like a big deal.

Now dave and beth, who I had never met before, were going out and I was quite self-centered and far too annoyed to display any type of courtesy towards their blatant PDA's. I forget exactly what I said to them to get them to stop raping eachother's throats, but it definately caught beth's ear.



Two days later mike calls me upstairs while I'm in my room reading the vampire lestat (don't ask why I remember this, I just do), and I'm like fine. We all talk about stupid things, like the upcoming radiohead concert, and the such, while I wonder where dave is, and she tells me she broke up with him. She was laying on the bed with me as I was trying to get mike's supernintendo to work, we were gonna play secret of mana together, but for some reason the system wouldn't work.

So I was like, see ya and went downstairs.

The next day they come down and she talks to me in my room and cuddles up to me.

At this point in my life I am oblivious to such subtle things, but luckily beth realizes this, and decides to suck on my thumb.

I go..


"hey mike, why don't you get me the phone and order a pizza and then go pick it up."

"Dan why don't we just get it de...

"DO IT MIKE!"


So he leaves, and we ravage eachother.


I find out a month later she didn't break up with dave.

Things were great back then nonetheless, even though the lies to come were most definately hinted at.

The rest of this story is in the break-up thread.


Suffice to say the cast from this story have all met strange fates.

Dave, wound up dating a girl named cecilia. She looked like a supermodel when his fist didn't have something to say about it, and after that he got into drugs heavily. The two of them started doing heroin, and none of us realized it till one day six months ago, he died in his sleep.

I am now friends with cecilia, and every day I tell her I wish it was her I'd taken from dave, and not beth.

Hmm, Mike is now a construction worker...

and beth is a spiteful bitch, who major's in pathological lies.


The end.

[Sl1p]

...

**Adds youandwhosearmy to his LJ friends list**

[youandwhosearmy]

****Adds sl1p back****

[Josh]

****Is too lazy to add anyone to his LJ friends list, and probably couldn't figure out how to do it if the motivatoin struck him***

[Captain Vegetable]

My first real relationship was with a girl named Autumn...who is now my wife.

Yes, that's right. I never had a real relationship until I was 18 years old.

Incedentally, I was her first real relationship as well.

[Zerodash]

Wow Cap'n, that is certainly interesting, and heartwarming to boot.


I didn't start dating until I was 23(!) mainly because I was more interested in my hobbies and "lifestyle" than in romantic matters. In fact, my friends used to call me "the Monk".

So one day this past December, I walked into a bakery to get my sifu some bagles. There was this girl there at the cash register who was talking to her co-workers about videogames. *shwing*

The two of us talked about videogames for about ten min. and then parted company. I came back for more bagles that next week and she asked me about who I got them for. I told her they were for my sifu. She then told me that she studied Kenpo. *SHWING!!!*

I asked her out right then and there. We are still together, and she wants to get married soon. I, however, am in no rush...

[Captain Vegetable]

Originally posted by Zerodash
...and she wants to get married soon. I, however, am in no rush...

It's the best decision you'll ever make...I promise.

[amerlop]

I can honestly say that there is nothing like someone to come home to on even your shittiest of days. Never give that up and never take that for granted.